Without You I Am Lost
by Dhampir
Summary: The sequel to CUTTING THROUGH IT ALL. Yuki has finally asked Shuichi out on a date after a year and is ready to rebuild their relationship, no matter what it takes. (R for cutting and yaoi) DISCONTINUED
1. First Date

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Warnings:** None so far...Yuki is OOC, but there's a reason for that and you'll know if you've read _Cutting Through It All_

**Before reading this fic, please read _Cutting Through It All_. This is the sequel to my first fic and some will not make any sense unless you have read that at first.

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Without You I Am Lost  
_Chapter One_

I looked in the mirror for the hundredth time, smoothing my shirt, my pants and trying to relax. But that was impossible. I knew it was. I sighed and ran my hand nervously through my hair. I almost laughed—me _nervous_. Never in my life had I been nervous and yet now it was all I seemed to be. I couldn't stop worrying, wondering, asking, questioning everything before me—especially tonight. I reached into my jacket pocket and groaned, I had already smoked my entire pack of cigarettes and I needed one bad—damn, I need twenty!

It just didn't seem possible that I was being given a second chance. A second chance to fix what I had destroyed with a single, stupid, possessive choice that sent me into denial and harsh treatment towards my pink lover and sent him into depression, starvation and mutilation.

I had prepared myself for a refusal and instead found myself preparing for a date with the one I hurt most. I sighed again, leaning back into my bed. It just didn't process in my head that I was being given another chance. I was certain I had ruined any chance when I found him bleeding in the corner of my living room—huddling and crying like a frightened child. And I guess he had every right to be, I had beaten him…more than once. I never remembered them, but it was true, I couldn't deny it. It was just too many times to just be coincidence.

I shook my head, now was not time for those memories. We were starting fresh and I had my chance to prove just how much that baka of mine meant to me… I grabbed my jacket and slid it on, hoping I stunned him senseless when I came to pick him up. I snorted; it seemed so weird to think of me picking him up from his apartment. For two years he had lived with me and now for about six months he had been living on his own. I still hadn't told him that I sold the apartment and rented a new one…one that was only ten or fifteen minutes from his house. I wanted to be close to him, I wanted to at least still be in his life even if he refused me.

Turning my car on, I listened to the engine purr before I began towards his apartment for our date. Yes, date. I was taking the baka on a real date, something he had been wanting for years and I always refused. Now I was courting him, it was different. I loved him and I'm pretty certain he loves me as well, but I needed to gain his trust again. I don't know how long that would take…cheating on the one you supposedly love does have that affect I found out. I don't know why I thought that not telling him meant he didn't know about it—our relationship was all over the news!

At first I was ashamed of our relationship, I was known as a womanizer, a hot, straight blonde bachelor to the public and yet I was in a relationship with a pop-star singer with pink hair. I loved—_love_—him, but at the same time I didn't want anyone to know I wasn't straight. There was also a small fact that I didn't want anyone to know about our relationship because it was _ours_. I didn't want it out in front of the public, I wanted my lover to be all mine and no one else's.

Yes, I'm a very possessive bastard aren't I?

Shuichi is _mine _and only mine. I shifted gears and sped faster. It wasn't that I was late or even in a hurry, it was just how I drove…and I was anxious…I wanted to see my baka more than anything. For over a year I had to stay at a distance, just talking to him, not being able to touch him, hold him, kiss him and take him. It had been hard, amazingly hard, to see him every day and know that I couldn't hold him like I wanted to.

We had agreed, after he was able to, to see each other every day and just talk. I was amazed at how quiet he had become, oh he still talked a lot, but he was less hyper and more mature. I hate to think it was because of me he had changed his attitude to match his real age, but I still loved him.

Damn, I loved him so much that I stayed loyal all year. I still couldn't believe it's been a year since I've had any kind of sex and that damn baka of mine had me hard almost every time I saw him. Yet I was determined not to mess it up again and so I started with being loyal to him, completely loyal to him even if we weren't together anymore.

I pulled into the lot and parked my car, stepping out and looking up at the large apartment complex. I leaned against my car and took a minute to calm my nerves; I couldn't stop wondering if maybe he changed his mind, maybe he didn't want to go out anymore, what if he already found someone else—damn it! Stop!

I groaned, this was more nerve wrecking than wondering if Shuichi would ever give me another chance. I slicked back my hair and took the elevator to the third floor, walking slowly towards my love's door: 343. Finally standing in front of it, I took a deep breath and forced myself to knock. I honestly don't know if I could take this. Maybe it was all a joke, maybe this was revenge for everything I put him through, maybe he decided to go elsewhere, maybe he wasn't here, maybe he gave me the wrong address, maybe—

The door opened and I looked down at the pink haired, violet eyed man before dressed gorgeously in black. Shuichi. He really was here and he really was giving me another chance…I think I sighed in relief, but I'm not positive.

"Hi Yuki." He said shyly, his eyes guiltily raking over my body as mine did the same.

I almost frowned, what did he have to be shy about? I'm the one who's supposed to be uncertain. "Shuichi." I smiled, finally being able to say that name.

He blushed when I said his name, much to my amusement, and shifted on his feet. "D-do you want to see my apartment?" He asked.

My smile turned soft and I nodded, not trusting my voice. I hadn't expected him to invite me in…

He stepped back and I had to force myself not to take him in my arms right then and kiss him. God how I wanted to…but I didn't. I bit down on my tongue and smiled at him, reminding myself he was no longer mine and I had to work up to that privilege. Damn, I never worked up to that privilege before, why should I now?

My eyes kept wandering, taking in his still slight frame, his round face, his light blush, his violet eyes, his oh so kissable lips and of course his cute ass. I bit back a groan as he walked away, waiting for me to follow. I tore my gaze away and looked around his quaint apartment. It wasn't anything spectacular, a kitchen, a bedroom, a living room and attached dining room and then a bathroom, but it had Shuichi's touch. Everywhere I looked reminded me of him…from the pictures on the walls to the collection of CDs next to the television. Only he would put CDs next to the television.

"What do you think?" He asked, looking at me expectantly.

Seeing that look in his eyes and how much it meant to him that I approved, I couldn't refuse him and smiled. "I think it looks like you." I answered, amazed my regular retort didn't come out of my mouth. Usually I would just shrug and mutter something incoherent, but that wasn't me any more. Now I had to think about what I said and how it affected him.

His eyes sparkled at the compliment and he smiled happily. "Really?"

I snorted, "Yes." I glanced at my watch and then lifted my eyebrows. "Ready?"

I saw him hesitate and bite his lip lightly before nodding and gathering his coat and shoes. "Where are we going?"

Opening the car door for him, I just smirked and closed it behind him. By the time I had sat down and turned the car on, he was already annoyed at me. "You'll see."

I had expected him to whine, cry and pout about it, but that was the old Shuichi, the Shuichi he was before I destroyed him. It had taken him a year to build this new persona and he still wasn't completely healed. Much to my amazement, he just smiled at me and nodded, content with the surprise.

I let him turn on the radio and listen to some songs while he sung along, letting his voice flow through me. I had missed that voice…I never told him I bought every CD he ever made and since he's returned to the music world, I've been to every concert he's put on, but it wasn't the same as hearing his voice next to me. I watched out of the corner of my eye as he continued his soft singing, so unlike his former self, and found myself smiling at him. _Damn, _did I miss that voice!

"Yuki?" He asked, looking up at me curiously. I blinked stupidly before I noticed I was staring at him and even after that just continued to stare at him. "The light's green…" He whispered, blushing under my gaze.

I looked up at the street light and indeed, it was green. "Good." I said and tore off down the street again, trying to keep my eyes glued to the road and off his body. I heard him giggle before he picked up the song again and I almost groaned. It was futile. There was no way I couldn't _not_ stare at him, his voice alone was enough to break my restraint. Looking at his body was enough to break all my restraints, including not ravishing him in the car as we drove.

I practically jumped out of the car when we finally arrived at the restaurant I had chosen. Everything was set up perfectly…except now I was painfully hard and very uncomfortable. It was all that brat's fault and there's no way I can hide this…His voice was just so alluring, so lustful even when he didn't mean it to be. I don't know how I'm going to remain civil through the entire meal. I let out a sigh and turned to watch my lover's reaction.

Shuichi opened the door and stepped out, looking down at the small restaurant I was so fond of. Of course, he couldn't see the restaurant and the look on his face was… less than pleased. I had never taken him here, hell, I've never taken anyone here. The little restaurant was not well known, it's slightly hidden in an alley way that I had accidentally found five or six years ago while walking around. Since then I had come here once a month and never told a soul about it. This place was mine, my little getaway from reality when I needed it. It was so relaxing to come here, there were only about twenty tables, five of which were outside, and it was never crowded.

Oh, the food was excellent, the service was wonderful and the owner ran an honest business, but not many people wanted to walk down an abandoned alleyway to find a small restaurant that was absolutely perfect. This place was…special to me and I only wanted to share it with those who were special to me, like Shuichi. I smiled at him and held out my hand apprehensively.

"Yuki…?" He whispered, gazing down the alley. He looked at my hand and then at my face, reading something I could only hope he approved of. With a curious frown, he took my hand in his and let me lead him towards the restaurant.

"This place…" I began, and then stopped. He probably wouldn't appreciate what it meant to me, he probably wouldn't care about some stupid little restaurant I grew fond of. Damn it! This was such a stupid idea…

"What about this place?" A soft voice asked beside me. I turned to look at Shuichi's soft gaze and then turned away, still uncertain. I mean, it was just a damn little restaurant! Nothing great, nothing wonderful, but to me…to me it was everything. I wanted Shuichi to know that, I wanted him to appreciate it as I did because to me, he was everything. "Yuki?" He asked, stepping in front of me. "What is it?"

"Never mind…it's stupid." I muttered and began towards it again, but a light jerk on my hand stopped me.

I looked at him and was surprised to see he was angry. "No, I want to know."

"Shuichi," I whispered, softly touching his face, "this place is special. It's special to me and I wanted…wanted to take you here because _you're_ special to me." I finally looked away and added, "I've never taken anyone here before…I've never told anyone about this place."

"Really?" He asked in a hushed voice.

I turned back to him and was surprised to see such vivid emotions reflecting in his eyes. Then I smiled, knowing he understood what it meant for me to take him here, and gave his hand a small squeeze. "Really."

There is another reason I brought him here…something I had never done with him, but had decided I really wanted to, I just hope I'm not pushing it for a first date… I stepped inside and held the door to let Shuichi in, holding my breath. I wanted him to be pleased with what I chose; I wanted his approval so badly I surprised myself and found I was holding my breath.

The dimly lit room glowed with candlelight, each table held its own small kerosene lamp to illuminate the table and customers. The walls were painted in a rustic crème white, giving a more antique look to the restaurant, and the dark green pattern of vines and flower flowed through the room. The light music of a string quartet played in the background and I could see the slow movements of couples dancing on the floor.

I watched as Shuichi gaped at the restaurant around him, looking every which way he could get his beautiful violet eyes on. "This place is…beautiful!" He whispered, turning around to look at me, his eyes so alight with wonder that for a moment he looked like the old Shuichi.

"Yeah, beautiful." I whispered before I could stop myself and I saw him turn bright red when he saw I wasn't looking around the restaurant.

"I-I-I…Um, h-hungry?" He stuttered, quickly turning away to hide his blush.

I gave a light laugh and resisted the urge to hug him from behind and just hold him. "Keiji?" I called and the waiter suddenly appeared.

"Eiri! It's been a while." The dark haired man said. "I've your table…" He paused when he saw Shuichi standing next to Yuki and grinned. "Ah, this is why you've asked for another setting."

I nodded while Shuichi just blushed all the more. I've known Keiji since I first came here and we got along respectfully, but he had taken up the name Eiri and refused to call me anything different.

"Well, right this way." Keiji smiled, leading us through the tables to a more secluded table I had chosen. I wanted some privacy with my Shuichi, some place we could talk and hopefully enjoy each other's company. I watched as my pink lover slid into the seat closest to him and I took the one across. This is where I usually sat, but I was also usually alone. It gave the perfect seat to watch and not be seen, giving me the privacy I wanted as well as a chance to study those around me.

Shuichi kept staring down at his hands, as if he was uncertain what do to, and I couldn't help but smile. He was just too cute when he was flustered and how he looked tonight…I might be spending more time in the bathroom than with my date. "Um…Yuki I don't know what this stuff is." He finally whispered.

"Neither did I when I first came here." I answered, trying to sooth his nervousness. "It's Italian food. Alfredo, Spaghetti, Fettuccini—"

"Yuki! I don't know what any of that is!" He suddenly cried out, stopping me in mid-sentence. I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, trying to calm my nerves. This isn't what I had wanted.

"I guess this wasn't such a good idea to bring you here." I muttered, refusing to look at him. Damn it, I should've known he would feel stupid if I brought him here! I am such an idiot! I could've banged my head on the table right then for being so inconsiderate, of course…I've always been inconsiderate.

"No! No, I didn't mean that…" He quickly said, but I was already shaking my head.

"No, you're right. I wasn't thinking, look; we'll just leave now and go somewhere else, okay?" I began to stand up, trying desperately to hide my disappointment and failing miserably. I was so used to showing how I felt this past year my stoic mask was slipping easily.

Shuichi bit his lip and shook his head. "I…I want to stay here."

"You're uncomfortable here—"

"And you're not!" He snapped, surprising me. "Tell me something, why did you bring me here?"

I frowned, didn't I already answer this? "Because it's special to me…"

"When I first saw where we were I thought you brought me here because you didn't want anyone to see us." He whispered, "But then you told me just how important this place is to you and I want to stay."

"Are you certain?" I asked, but inside I was jumping for joy. I really did want to stay here, I wanted him to enjoy this and treasure it like I did. He nodded and I slid back into my seat. "I'm glad." I answered seriously, picking my menu back up and scanning the different foods. "Well, I can say that the Alfredo Chicken is excellent and so is the Spaghetti. Alfredo Chicken is grilled chicken over noodles in a white sauce, Shu-chan, and Spaghetti is noodles in a tomato sauce with beef. They are both very good."

The frown on his lips made him irresistibly cute as I looked at him from over my menu and I couldn't help but smirk. He was just too cute when he was thinking hard or heard something he didn't completely understand. "W-what are you going to get?" He finally asked, just as I expected him to.

I smiled and sat down my menu, "Keiji!" I called and the dark haired man appeared from around the corner. "Order everything."

"_Everything?_" Keiji gaped.

"Not large portions, but we want to try everything." I repeated, leaving no alternative.

"H-hai." He said and quickly retreated to the kitchen to report his order. I grinned and turned to Shuichi who was now staring openly at me in shock.

"What?"

"You just ordered everything on the menu so I could try it?" He whispered, his eyes never leaving mine.

"Why not? I'm rich, I've got enough money to spend it on anything I want, buy anything I want and give it to anyone I want so why not spend it on you?" I asked.

He began tearing up and I couldn't help but frown, concern already welling up within me. What did I do? Why's he crying now? I hate it when he cries! It makes me feel so guilty and I can't take it. Damn it, why is he crying? "Oh Yuki! I can't believe you'd do that for me!"

All my concern was washed away and replaced with annoyance and fondness. The damn baka just made me panic because he was happy. "Baka…" I whispered, rolling my eyes.

"Eiri-san, the cook says you're meals will be out soon, but please be patient since you have just ordered everything." Keiji said, setting down six types of wine as well as four or five different mixed drinks. "Enjoy…and expect a large bill." He winked before disappearing again.

I waited a couple minutes, idly chatting with Shuichi about random things…I can't really remember, I was too busy looking at his body. Damn, it's hot. Even hotter in black against his dark pink hair…it's a miracle I didn't start salivating all over the table. I couldn't help but notice how his fingers interlocked and unlocked as he talked, how his lips quirked in a small smile and how his eyes glowed in the candlelight, such a vibrant violet that I had never seen before. I just listened and smiled, taking in how his lashes fluttered when he blinked and how his tongue flicked out to lick his lips every couple seconds, how his hair followed his every movement when he would suddenly look to his left or tilt his head and how the light illuminated his lightly tanned skin. He looked absolutely gorgeous.

I finally stood up, much to his surprise, and grinned while he just stared up at me confused. I suddenly bowed at the waist, one arm resting against my abs while my other arm swept outwards, and asked, "May I have this dance?" I stood back up, holding out my hand and waited, praying he would accept.

He gaped…again. "You want to dance with me? With them?"

"With them? I want to dance with _you_, I could care less about them." I snorted, slightly becoming afraid he was going to say no. Damn it! I am _not_ afraid, not afraid, not afraid, not afraid. I'm afraid. I never knew a date could be this stressful. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!

He hesitantly took my hand, apparently still in shock that I want to dance with him in front of everyone else. Well, fuck everyone else. I slowly led him towards the dance floor, smiling brightly, and let him decide how he wanted to dance. He licked his lips again, I think it's a nervous habit of his, and wrapped his arms around my neck. I followed suit, placing mine around his waist and began to sway with him, my eyes only on him. The light blush on his cheeks made him all the more adorable and I had to fight the urge to kiss him with almost every step we took. I just wanted to ravage his mouth right there on the dance floor, then press him against the nearest wall and let him feel what he was doing to me before—Stop, stop, stop!

I took a deep breath and tried to keep my mind out of the gutter and away from how his fingers tickled my neck and how sexy he'd look with the first three buttons undone, showing his hairless chest and light skin, damn…I'm getting hard again and he's pressed against me. I could feel his breath on my neck, his eyes still locked on mine, still searching for something I couldn't see. I still wonder how I was with him, on a date, slow dancing with him as if it were normal. All odds were against this, there was no reasonable explanation for me being here with him, but I didn't question it, I just went with it. If it meant I could have my pink haired baka back, I won't question it one bit.

I tightened my hold around him, bringing him closer to me for the first time in a year. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent, drinking in his warmth and finding a peace that I only ever felt around him. His head fell to rest on my chest and I somehow ended up with my head resting on his, both of us tightening our holds on each other. I wanted to tell him so bad right then, just how much I loved him, how much I've missed him, how sorry I am, how stupid I am and how much I want to have him back with me, but it wasn't the time. This was our first date; our first _real_ date and I wanted to do things correctly this time, no matter how hard it was. So I just held him, rocking back and forth with him in my arms as I've yearned to do for so long now, and was content.

Eventually we exited the dance floor, our fingers intertwined now, and sat down next to each other in the booth than across from each other. I smiled when I saw how big his eyes got when he saw all the food before him, all the different dishes so unfamiliar to him. He just stared, trying to decide where to start first and which to leave for last, and finally smelled one curiously.

I chuckled and picked up a fork, "Here, try that one." I whispered to him, pointing at the fettuccini next to him.

Shuichi just nodded and finally picked up a noodle, turning it about every which way before finally popping it into his mouth. He hesitantly chewed on it and I felt my heart swell when his eyes lit up and he looked at me with such pleasure. "Yuki! This is great!" He said happily, going on to try the next dish.

"I told you." I smiled, slowly eating the dish in front of me. I think it was some kind of shrimp noodle dish, maybe Shrimp Alfredo, but I cannot really remember, I was too enthralled with how Shuichi jumped from each dish, trying a piece of each one before starting over again. "Having trouble deciding?" I finally asked when he was on his eighth round.

He gave me a sheepish smile and nodded. "They're all so good!"

"Take your time." I said and pushed my dish towards him, "You haven't tried this one yet." I said while taking another one from the center of the table.

His eyes raked over the meal as if it was me he was looking at…I think I just insulted myself. I'm getting replaced by a dish of Alfredo Surprise! I can feel my self esteem dropping ten notches as we speak. Wonderful. He finally picked up a piece of… something and carefully licked it…damn. He's torturing me, watching his tongue flick out to taste that white sauce made my cock twitch and I shifted in my seat, trying to find a more comfortable position. He finally ate the piece of whatever and he smiled up at me, a little white sauce trailing down the corner of his mouth. I groaned, suppressing my sudden need to lick the sauce trail off his face, and grabbed a napkin, dabbing it off his cute face.

"Sorry." He smiled before returning to his meal. If I didn't know better, I'd say he did that on purpose…I spaced out as I watched him eat, trying to think of anything other than how erotic it was watching him eat and how much attention my cock needed at the moment. He must've devoured half of every plate before him and almost every mixed drink in front of him, which Keiji kept supplying him with.

I think he finally noticed my gaze because he suddenly turned red and began fiddling with his hands again. I was smiling, I could feel it on my lips, as I watched him, he was just too cute, so amusing and so lovable. Yet the moment was ruined with something _very_ cold dropping into my lap. I gasped at the frigid drink soaking my pants and touching my now very sensitive cock. I jumped up, letting the cup fall to the ground and wiped off the ice. "Fuck!" I almost yelled. "You baka!"

"Yuki! I'm so sorry!" Shuichi said, standing up to help dry my pants, but I batted his hands away quickly before he could feel my hard on.  
"No, no, I'm fine Shu, don't worry about it okay?" I asked, sitting down again once I was less wet. Great, now I was hard and looked like I already came in my pants, this night was definitely everything other than what I had expected.

Shuichi didn't eat anymore after that, he just sat there with his head bowed and his eyes hidden. I thought for a moment he was crying, but there were no tears on his face when he finally looked up, yet he still looked upset. I finally called for the check when it was obvious Shuichi didn't want anything else, and then led my little baka out and back to the car.

He almost acted like himself when he got in the car, pulling his knees up onto the seat and wrapping his hands around them, but he refused to speak with me. The ride back to his apartment was more than just quiet, it was disturbingly quiet. I even tried to start a conversation with him, but he just shook his head and continued to stare at the ground.

We finally arrived at his apartment and I was getting very irritated with his sudden change in mood. I got out of the car and walked to his side, he still hadn't moved, and opened the door, staring down at him. He looked up at me and I felt a pang of guilt, they were like before, so dull…so dead. "Shu…what's wrong?" I whispered, leaning on the car door. Now what had I done wrong?

"I'm sorry Yuki." He said, looking back down at his feet.

_What the hell?_ Was he going to say he didn't enjoy tonight, that it wasn't going to work so we might as well not try?

"I didn't mean to ruin everything…"

My heart began beating again. I chuckled and drew him out of the car and into my arms. "Shu…you didn't ruin anything."

"But I argued with you, made a fool of myself and ended up being so clumsy I spilled some kind of drink all over you!" He retorted, burying his face into my chest.

"And if you did that on every date, I'd still want you." I whispered, tightening my grip on him. "I had fun tonight, I want to take you out on another date…if you'll let me."

I let my arms loosen as he pulled back to look up at me and gave a sigh. The moonlight reflected off his eyes and hair in such a way that he looked angelic, almost glowing. "Really?"

I had to smile at that, "Really." I leaned down and kissed his forehead, stopping myself before I kissed his lips as well, and drew him once more into a tight hug, trying to pour all my emotions into it. I loved how he felt in my arms, his lithe frame molded perfectly to mine, and I could only pray that this would not be the last time I held him like that.

I don't know how long we stood there, just holding each other in the parking lot, but when we finally move apart, Shuichi was more collected and I think some of my own fears were soothed. He reached up and touched my face lightly, studying me with his eyes again, and I just had to wonder what it was he was looking for and what he saw.

"Thank you Yuki." He whispered, "I…" I held my breath, usually when someone said 'thank you' it meant, 'thanks, but…' and I don't think I could take not having my pink baka beside me again. I thought I could, that it'd be enough to just be in his life, but after this night…I knew it was no longer a possibility. I loved him, I wanted him with me, and I don't think I could settle for less, but if he wanted me gone, then I'd leave him. I know I don't deserve another chance and maybe Shuichi was seeing that now.

I laid a finger on his lips. "You don't have to say anything right now." Please, don't say anything right now, I prayed, I don't think I could take it at that moment.

He shook his head and smiled, "I had fun tonight as well Yuki and I wouldn't mind a second date."

I stared at him in complete shock, he enjoyed it, he liked it and he wanted to go on another date. He wanted to spend time with me again, wanted me next to him just like I wanted him next to me. I think I just nodded, still not comprehending that he wanted to go on another date, but I was taken by complete surprise when he stood on his tippy toes and kissed my cheek. He blushed prettily and then disappeared inside the elevator.

I just watched the elevator rise up to the third floor and then his shadow walk towards his door. He paused before finally opening the door, walking in and then closing it. I continued to look at his door before a smile, a genuine smile, appeared on my lips. I slid into my car and let my head drop back, letting out a content sigh as I took a minute to recollect myself.

"Love you Shu-chan." I whispered to no one before turning on my car. Another date, another chance to prove just how much the pink haired baka meant to me and another day with him beside me. I left the parking lot and headed back towards my own apartment, ideas for a second date already running through my mind. Shifting in my seat I let out an uncomfortable groan, before I did any planning, I had to take care of a little problem that baka left me with.

Dhampir  
Page 9  
2/4/05

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**Reviews from _Cutting Through It All_:**  
  
**Cassie Wang:** Well, here's my sequel! Didn't mean to make you cry _that _much! Hopefully this one's a lot happier.

**tangerine-asuka:** Well, I can't update that story anymore...but if you want to look at this as an update...

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction:** I thought an epilouge would be too short to make up their entire relationship...that or my epilouge would end up being about 40 pages long...so here's the sequel!

**Kirei Aya:** Well, there's the original ending! If you didn't get it, tell me and I'll send it to you. Oh yeah, and the "really hot lemon scene" is on as well as GURABITESYION (dot) net. 

**Kitty in the Box:** I can only hope I handle this one the same, if I'm not please tell me...

**TaraYuki-Uesugi:** Thank you, I hope that this sequel will prove just as good as my first fic...though I must say it's hard switching minds...I'm still slightly thinking Shuichi-style as well as I know what's going on in Shu-chan's mind and Yuki doesn't...But I hope you enjoy this as well if you're reading it.

**Eyrinyx:** I'm trying to not make this too sad, but I did get a couple people saying they cried...but because it was so beautiful and cute instead of sad...I just can't win!

**Yardat sama:** I'm sorry it was sappy! I really didn't want to kill Shuichi off...I did think of maybe having Yuki die for a while for some reason, but I didn't want anyone to die...I just wanted to destroy their entire being instead! Okay, now I sound demented.

**Delia:** Thanks for your help with the sequel and I hope it's up to par with everything you expected and I'm reading up with In Love and Hate and I must say, that is a superior writing to mine, I love the way the author expresses the two of them.

**Kolie:** Well, I'm totally doing my sequel! Thank you for saying how I wrote the whole cutting issue, I didn't want to blow it out of proportion, but I wasn't certain if I did or not.

**Leu-chan:** Well, if you're reading the sequel, I hope you don't use as many boxes of kleenex! And thanks for the hug! Hehe. Yes, I love Yuki as well...so I'm hoping this sequel will make up for some of his bastardness in the prequel.

**Neko Kate-chan:** I thought chapter six was the alternative ending...but maybe I'm wrong. Um...I'll e-mail you now, sorry, I've been busy with school, work and writing the sequel to really check my e-mail. I do apologize full heartedly.

**Syaoran is kawaii:** Hehe, I was hoping to trick at least one person! Yay, you made my day! And here's my long awaited sequel...I think it's been two weeks...hehe.

**Everyone else:** I hope you enjoy this fic as well as _Cutting Through It All_. I'm not exactly keen on the title of this fic and my friend and I had come up with one...but I forgot it...it was like 5 in the morning when he came up with it so I'm sticking with my original for now. I took it from the dedication in Yuki's book from the pre-quel and want to keep it there, but if anyone can think of a title that matches Yuki's dedication, please e-mail me!


	2. Bowling Catastrophe?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Warnings:** None so far...Yuki is OOC, but there's a reason for that and you'll know if you've read _Cutting Through It All_

**Before reading this fic, please read _Cutting Through It All_. This is the sequel to my first fic and some will not make any sense unless you have read that at first.

* * *

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**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Two_

I opened my eyes and groaned. It's been a week since I last saw Shuichi, he's on tour and I can't follow him this time. We've only been on one date and I think this is killing me. I already know where I'm taking us for our second date, something he's never done before…Damn, I'm going to spoil him. And who'd ever think that _I_, Yuki Eiri, know how to bowl. That's right, I'm taking the little baka bowling, rented six lanes and invited Shuichi's closest friends…along with Tohma and Tatsuha.  
Shuichi is getting back today and tomorrow is when we're going on our date. He still doesn't know where and from what Hiro said, it's been driving him up the wall. I think I've been driving myself up the wall with questions…I keep thinking I'll wake up and it will all be a dream. It's almost impossible for me to fathom I have my second chance, the chance I've been asking for every night for the past year, and that tomorrow I get to see my baka lover…I haven't slept with him or even in the same room as him in over a year and yet I still see him as my lover, it's a little presumptuous, but I'll say it again, I'm a possessive bastard and Shuichi is _mine._

I sighed and finally stood up. I might as well at least try to write something…I think the public thinks I've holed up somewhere for the past year because I haven't written a single novel since _Cutting Through It All_, a book I'm none too happy to take credit for. I was still dressed in my lounge pants and hadn't left my apartment in almost three days, content with just doing nothing and trying to get a certain pink haired man out of my thoughts…and failing.

Damn, when did I get so attached to the baka? I groaned, stretching my sore muscles and made my way to the kitchen to start my coffee. And fuck did I need it, damn dreams of Shuichi plagued me all night and in my sex starved state, Shuichi dreams come easily. But I promised myself I would take it slow and be faithful to just him, but damn! I never thought it would be this hard. Finally being able to hold him brought up such emotions that I don't think I can take it…with every touch I felt my restraint wavering and even days afterwards I could still feel his fingers tickling my neck, his breath beside my ear and his lips on my cheek.

Grabbing my mug of black, strong coffee, I retreated to my study to work on my next novel, which I might add I have no idea on. Let's see…my public responded beautifully to my emotions-poured-onto-the-table-in-front-of-anyone novel and that was about two men…Maybe I should write another one. I turned on my laptop and leaned back as it warmed up, my gaze immediately falling on the picture beside me of a pink haired baka three years ago. I smiled, I loved that picture…he was pouting because he somehow tripped over nothing and landed face first into a pond, he was on the verge of crying and atop his head was a lily pad. I could still see myself, a small smirk on my lips and a camera in my hand as I caught him off guard with the picture. He hadn't been too happy with that…but I quickly covered him in my jacket and carried him home, after I insulted and scolded him of course.

He had gotten sick too, he had told me he wasn't feeling good before begging me to take a walk with him. I agreed after what seemed like hours of his pleas, but once we got home again, I found he was already running a fever. He recovered in two or three days, but I still worried over him, even if he doesn't know it.

I shook my head and looked back at my laptop, it was time to work and setting my mug down, cleared my mind of Shuichi and tried to find my center. I had a novel to write and my editor was in no way going to be happy if I hindered my next novel even more than I already had. Right. Now, plot…

""

I groaned again, I'm going crazy! I've sat in front of the computer screen for over four hours and all I've typed is "Shuichi will be back in six hours. Shuichi will be back in five hours. Shuichi will be back in four hours. Shuichi will be back in three hours. Shuichi will be back in two hours." I let my head drop back on the seat and rubbed my eyes. I don't think I'll be able to write again until I have Shuichi back in my house and causing distractions. Even after a year, he's still a distraction!

I stood up, grabbing my empty mug, and retreated to the kitchen again, filling it with my sixth cup of coffee this morning. I slipped my reading glasses off my head and back onto my nose and picked up the newspaper, reading any random article to take my mind off Shuichi. Yet I still found certain things reminded me of him, small words about anything other than Shuichi: lithe (body), strong (body), came (sex), red (lips, hair), water (shower…), taken (sex), he (Shuichi), she (Shuichi), it (Shuichi), want (Shuichi)—I give up!

Growling, I slammed the paper down on the counter and stormed off to take a shower…Shuichi in the shower, naked, moaning, flushed, panting—damn it! I collapsed against the wall and rubbed the bridge of my nose. It's even worse now than it was before I asked him out, at least when we just talked I could keep my mind clean, but I can't seem to do that anymore. Everything I see, everything I do, everything I _write_ reminds me of Shu and by the time tomorrow comes I'll be insane.

I finally settled onto the couch and tried to relax. I could already feel my body reacting to the nice, sexy, erotic picture I gave it of Shuichi in the shower and groaned in resignation, there was no way I was going to get anything written and there was no way I was going to take a shower until those pictures were gone. I looked out the window at the night sky and sighed, Shuichi was getting back by air and wasn't due to arrive until eleven pm tonight. I wanted to be there so bad, but I wasn't certain if that would be pushing my luck or not…I jus hope he isn't upset I'm not there to meet him…Damn it's hard trying to guess what is right and wrong for me to do! I know we've only gone on one date, but I've seen him every day for the past year and before that I lived with him for two years. I knew almost everything about him and yet now I was so uncertain of what my boundaries were.

I turned on the TV after some more reminiscing and groaned again. It was on the Music Channel and of course who else would they be playing than my baka in a white shirt, drenched in the rain? I think I started drooling…tight black pants, white button down poet's shirt, so drenched it was see through and I could see his lithe body so clear beneath it. His pink hair was now a darker maroon and plastered to his face from the rain, damn…he looked hot. I didn't really hear the song, something about facing your fears and taking a chance, but I was too busy letting my eyes rake over his body even though he wasn't right in front of me.

My little problem just got a lot bigger…damn baka, still making me hard and he's just on the television! Once the song ended, I turned the TV back off, swearing I would not turn that thing back on ever again, and retreated to my bedside to grab some sleeping pills. I don't know how long I've been taking them, but since _that_ night I haven't been able to sleep soundly and had finally resorted to drugging myself to sleep every night. I grabbed a couple and then downed them with my now lukewarm coffee.

I let one arm fall over my eyes and let the drugs do their thing, finding myself asleep ten minutes later.

""

'Knock, knock, knock, knock.'

What the hell?

'Knock, knock, knock, knock'

I groaned and turned over, burying my face into the pillows.

'KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK'

Didn't the guy get the idea? "Go away." I muttered.

'Bang, bang, bang, bang.'

Oh, that's it. Whoever's at my door is now officially dead. I pulled myself out of my bed and stumbled towards the door, wrenching it open and stared at my brother. "What the hell are you doing here?" I finally asked.

"Aniki!" He said dramatically, "I came here at your request and find you like _this_? You do know you were supposed to pick Shuichi up oh…fifteen minutes ago?"

My eyes widened, "Shit!" I whispered, retreated back to my room to find something to wear…damn, damn, damn, damn. I over slept, took too many of those pills, and now I'm late.

Tatsuha followed me into my room and smirked, "You're going to go bowling in lounge pants and a loose shirt?" He asked.

I growled, tearing my lounge pants off and replacing it with a pair of loose fitting slacks. Quickly grabbing my jacket, I disappeared down the steps calling, "Thanks Tat, lock the door, will you?"

"Sure thing ni-san." Tatsuha responded and I was so certain he was laughing. I got into my car and took off, quickly brushing back my hair and groaning again when I saw my shoes were missing.

"Fuck!" I growled, making a U-turn in the middle of the road and heading back to my apartment. I pulled into the parking lot, got out of my car and looked up just in time to see a pair of shoes falling towards me. I sidestepped them quickly and glared up at my brother. "Tatsuha!"

"Hey! I'm not the one who left without their shoes and I'm not the one who's late. I'll call Shu and tell him you're on your way, but you get going!" He yelled back.

I could've throttled him right there as well as hug him to death for getting me up. I grabbed my shoes, slid back into my car and once more raced towards Shuichi's apartment, hoping he didn't think I had forgotten him or set him up. Shifting gears, I quickly slid on one shoe and then the other while I tried to straighten my dress. I must look like shit…

At least I didn't need to shower. I had taken one yesterday morning before all those wonderful images of Shuichi in the shower filled my head so I didn't look horrible, just unkempt. I turned into Shuichi's apartment parking lot, amazed I hadn't gotten pulled over for speeding, reckless driving and endangering others, and quickly jumped out of the car. Taking a second to pull my sunglasses on and tie my shoes, I sprinted towards the stairs and ran up them, skipping steps in between, cursing at myself silently. Great way to screw up your only chance Yuki, what an idiot! I screwed up our first date by taking him somewhere that made him feel stupid and now I was late for our second date…my track record's looking wonderful.

Panting, tired, unkempt and really needing a smoke, I knocked on Shuichi's door and waited. After a couple minutes, I began to worry and tried again, wondering if he knew it was me and wasn't answering the door or if something…my breathing hitched, he wouldn't…I began knocking urgently, "Shu! Shuichi?"  
Finally the door opened slowly and violet eyes looked up at me through the crack in the door. I could already see the hurt, the rejection and fear in those eyes and sighed with relief, at least it didn't look like he had cut himself again.

"Shu, I'm so sorry…I didn't forget our date but…" I shook my head, there was no excuse for me being late. "Please, I still want to take you." Damn, that sounded perverted and I inwardly groaned.

"Why are you late?" He finally asked, the door still mostly closed, but opening a little more.

"I overslept…" I finally said, sighing and leaning against the doorframe. "I took some sleeping pills because I couldn't sleep last night and well…Tatsuha came and got me this morning."

The door opened more and I could now see his entire face and half his body. He was biting his lip, trying to decide if he should believe me or not, and he finally said, "Then you haven't changed your mind?"

I shook my head and whispered, "I'll never change my mind, not even if you tell me it's over."

He searched my face again and once more I wondered what he saw and what he was searching for. I wonder if he found it. The hurt disappeared some as well as the rejection, but the fear remained in those beautiful eyes. "I'll get my shoes." He whispered and disappeared for a second before appearing again and finally opening the door. I let my eyes wander down his body, this time looking for bandages, blood or cuts, but there were none that I could see. He was wearing a deep blue shirt and black shorts as well as sneakers and I wondered who told him to dress loosely, though I could really care less at this point.

I held out my arm for him and he took it hesitantly again. I gave a sigh and let my head drop, "I really am sorry Shu…I guess I was just so…" I struggled to get my feelings out and I think he knew because he finally smiled and his grip on my arm tightened a little.

"It's okay Yuki, you're here now."

But I shook my head, "It's not okay." I said softly, taking him by surprise, "I want to be able to tell you how…I feel this time and you need to know why." He nodded, his mouth frowning a little, but I smiled at him and walked onto the elevator. "I couldn't stop thinking about you last night." I blurted, watching as his eyes widened in shock. I never did tell him before just how much I thought about him, always saying how I never even knew he was back or how I could do without him, but I was always thinking about him. "I just…" I struggled again, licking my lips to continue, "Everywhere I looked I saw you and it was driving me…crazy. I tried to work on a new novel and instead ended up writing about…" Damn this was embarrassing.

"Writing about what?"

"You."

He frowned in confusion, "Me?"

The elevator touched the ground and we stepped off towards my car, "Yes you. I kept…counting down how many hours before you finally returned…for four hours." Now that wasn't too hard…my heart's just beating ten times as fast, my mind is fighting for stoic bastard or weeping weakling and my breathing's changed from calm to something more like panicked. Damn, I can say I love him over and over and yet I can't tell him how I feel.

"You're silly Yuki!" He laughed, pulling me towards his car, "Come on! I want to know where we're going!"

I watched him pull me forward, the smile on his face so pure and the look in his eyes…I think I just made his day. "Then you forgive me for being late?" I finally asked.

"Of course!" He said, sliding into my car.

I smiled and finally began to calm down. I could do this talking about your feelings thing…I think. I don't think I've ever felt so vulnerable as I just did, but Shuichi didn't laugh at me, didn't condemn me and he didn't dismiss me…it's more than I did for him. I turned on the car and began backing up, but not before I turned to look at him and said with complete sincerity, "Thank you Shuichi." He gave me a confused frown, but I didn't offer anymore and he didn't ask.

I wasn't even out of the parking lot before the radio was on and Shuichi was singing again, at least that's one thing didn't change… I rolled down the window and shook my head, trying to make my hair look less mussed and more styled, though I don't think it helped much in the end. I caught Shuichi staring at me a couple times and when I cocked an eyebrow at him, he quickly turned away, blushing. I laughed and turned into the next parking lot, the bowling alley.

I watched as he looked around the parking lot curiously and then up at the sign, Bowliroma…They should've gotten a writer to name this place instead of the owner…

"Yuki?" He asked when I turned the car off and began to open my door.

"Hm?" I answered, closing my door and walking towards the bowling alley.

Shuichi was beside me in seconds, "We're going here?" He asked in a hushed voice as if he was afraid if he said it too loud it would all disappear.

"That's right Shu, we're going here."

"Yuki," he said, looking at me closely, "you do know this is a bowling alley, right?"

"Really?" I grinned, opening the door for him. "I thought it was a bookstore…"

"Yuki!"

I shook my head and followed him inside, "Come on Shu, I'm going to teach you how to bowl."

I think his eyes got wider than before, but in the dim light I wasn't positive. "You are going to teach me?"

I frowned, "You don't want me to?"

He shook his head vigorously and attached his body to my arm once more. "No! I want you to…I just didn't think you would do that…didn't think you knew how." He added quietly.

"There are many things you don't know about me Shu, but I'd love to show them to you, if you'd let me."

"Really?" He squealed.

"Really."

I nodded to the man at the desk and took our shoes off the counter. Shuichi, never being to one before, didn't know this didn't usually happened and was oblivious to the odd behavior…much to my relief. I wanted to surprise him when he saw everyone else who was here.

I helped Shuichi take off his shoes, letting my hands linger on his legs more than need be, and then switched mine, looking up at him from my crouched position. He was looking at me curiously, something less than a frown on his face, but I could tell he was doing some serious thinking and that it was about me. I wanted to ask him what he saw, what he felt when he looked at me and what he was looking for so badly, but I was too afraid to hear the answer. So instead I refrained from asking the question at all…

Standing, I took his hand and led him towards the lanes, watching amused as he looked at the lanes and neon lights in wonder, barely even looking at the people who were bowling. So he hadn't noticed yet…

"Shu-chan!" A high voice sounded through the entire building and I couldn't help but roll my eyes. Someone remind me why I invited that thirty year old child?

Shuichi snapped out of his daze and focused on the person waving at him a couple lanes down. His mouth practically dropped when he recognized his idol standing there with his pink bunny…Kuroguma or something…why does he carry it around anyways? "Ryuichi-san?" He whispered, looking up at me.

"And…" I grinned.

He furrowed his brow, glancing sideways at me, and then looked at the group of people again. "Hiro? Seguchi-san! Mika, Sakano, Suguru, Tatsuha?" He finally stopped there, I thought for a moment he was going to say all twelve names, but he just stopped and gaped instead. He then looked at me, his eyes full of curiosity and wariness. "You invited them here? You rented out an _entire_ bowling alley for me?"

"Six lanes, but it's all ours until midnight." It was almost one now so that was ten hours…I don't think I can last ten hours…

Shuichi just continued to stare at me…and stare…and stare…okay, it was getting a little creepy now. Maybe he didn't like it, did I guess wrong again? I began to panic again though I kept my outside demeanor neutral, but I could feel it building up inside me like a floodgate and it was about to burst.

"You…don't like it?" I finally asked in a hushed voice when Shuichi remained silent.

"No! I just…can't believe you did this." He said hesitantly.

I sighed and sat down in the closest chair to me. "I messed up again, didn't I?" I whispered. "I told you I wouldn't mess it up this time and I did and it's only been a week. First, I take you to that restaurant and you felt weird and then I arrive late and take you here and now you're…" I shook my head. "Will you go visit them Shuichi? I just need some time alone for a minute, okay?"

The fear returned in his eyes. "Yuki, no, please don't take this the wrong way!" He almost cried and everyone fell silent, uncertain of what was going on. I looked up at him, letting my eyes express as much emotion as I could let them and then dropped my head again, refusing to look at him. Shuichi dropped to his knees beside me and made me look at him. "Yuki, I'm just a little overwhelmed. I'm not disappointed, I'm not mad and I don't want you to stop." He let a finger run down the side of my face lightly and I just continued to stare at him.

"Then what am I doing wrong?" I asked, so quiet even I almost didn't hear it.

"Nothing love, nothing at all." He answered, giving me a small smile. "I'm just not used to this kind of treatment from you, I didn't expect you to stay the same after… all of this, but I hadn't expected you to be so kind and generous either. You've taken me by surprise Yuki, and I'm not certain how to react…"

He cupped my cheek and I placed my hand over his, closing my eyes with silent relief. "I never meant…" A finger on my lips silenced me and I opened my eyes to see Shuichi smiling.

"There is nothing to forgive and nothing to apologize for." He whispered, never taking his eyes off of me. When had he become so much more mature? How had I missed it? I gave him a small smile and brought my other hand up to draw him into a hug. He came willingly and was soon straddling my waist and just letting me hold him again.

"I missed you." I whispered into his ear so only he would here. "I didn't think I'd be able to last a week without seeing you."

He nuzzled my shoulder, "I missed you too."

We stayed like that for another minute or two before finally breaking away and moving towards the others, Shuichi smiling and as hyper as ever and me…reconciled for the moment. I watched as Ryuichi practically tackled Shuichi in a hug, bringing them both down onto the floor, and came to stand next to my brother.

"You two took a long time to get here…" He smirked.

I rolled my eyes, "The bowling alley is five minutes from my apartment, Shuichi lives fifteen minutes away, _in the opposite direction._ Of course it took us a long time to get here."

"Well it's good to see you back to normal ni-san!" He grinned before going to join Shuichi and Ryuichi as they talked back and forth too quickly for anyone to understand, even if we did slow it down, no one would understand them…I think they have their own language.

Tohma came to stand next to me and I glanced at him, not certain what he was doing next to me… "So, have you and Shindou-san…" He made a hand gesture and I felt my anger rise, why did I invite him?

"No, Tohma, we haven't had sex." I answered sarcastically.

He gave an innocent smile, "Calm down Eiri-san, I know you will not listen to my advice and honestly…I've noticed how much you've changed because of Shindou-san."

"So you'll leave us alone?" I asked flatly, watching the light blonde smile at Mika.

"Well, I have tried and we all know how stubborn you are…I will never leave you alone, but I will no longer hinder your relationship with Shindou-san, as long as it does not hinder his career."

I snorted. "Whatever you say."

"Wonderful…now I have both Uesugi brothers' trying to pervert my singers." He sighed and then walked away, leaving me slightly confused until I saw how Tatsuha was hovering over Ryuichi. That got a chuckle out of me and I felt my mood lighten some as I watched Shuichi trying to protect Ryuichi from Tatsuha's advances while, to me at least, it looked like Ryuichi was _trying_ to get to Tatsuha. I had a feeling by the end of the night, Tatsuha was going to get the vocalist to do whatever he wanted. He always did have that kind of affect on people…

I walked up towards Shuichi and tapped him on the shoulder. "Aren't you going to bowl Shu-chan?" I saw him blush when I called him that, but he nodded and began towards the lanes, uncertain of which lane to choose. I gave him a soft smile and directed him to the closest lane, letting everyone else sort out where they would be. Tatsuha and Ryuichi paired up in the lane next to us, having the opposite predicament Shuichi and I were having. While I had to teach Shuichi how to bowl, Ryuichi was the one who had to 'teach' Tatsuha to bowl.

"What do I do Yuki?" Shuichi asked meekly, biting his bottom lip.

"We find you a bowling ball." I said and showed him where they were, finding the lightest one I could, five pounds, while I found another one for me, twelve pounds. I handed Shuichi his and showed him where to store them when it wasn't his turn and then typed out names into the score terminal. "Now, I want to see how you bowl without any instruction," I grinned, "just go up there and roll the ball down the lane towards the pins."

He made a face, sticking his tongue out at me, and sauntered over towards it. "I know that!"

Yet I couldn't help but smile when I watched him put the ball between his legs and rock it back and forth before releasing it down the lane, taking him along with it. I was quick to get beside him as he slipped on the waxed floor and fell onto his cute butt with a surprised yelp. "So you know that, huh?" I asked, pulling him up, "Well, Shu-chan, I never knew you threw yourself down the lane as well as the ball!"

"Yuki!" He pouted, stomping his foot, but he was just too cute and I couldn't help but smile at him and shake my head.

"Come here baka, let me show you how." I whispered, retrieving his ball from the…huh…I don't know what the formal name is, but I guess the ball holder. I took his hand in mine and slipped his fingers into the holes. "Now that's how you hold it, the thumb in the big hole while you put these two fingers in these holes." Perverted thoughts. Damn it. I stepped behind him, my mouth right next to his ear, my hand following his to show him how to roll the ball, my chest pressed against his back while my other hand rest on his shoulder to keep him steady. "Now, bring your arm back…and then forward, now back again…good." I whispered to him, trying to keep the husky undertone almost non-existent.

His face was bright red and I'm pretty sure perverted thoughts were running through his head as well. I hadn't even thought about the good excuses to be so close to him when I booked these lanes, but I certainly wasn't regretting it now. His body felt so good against mine, melding with such normal ease, and I had to bite back the moan I could feel coming. "W-what about those arrows?" He asked.

"It's supposed to make it easier and guide you in." Damn it, why is it everything I say sounds perverted? I swear Shuichi turned a brighter tint of red after that comment and I felt like taking a vow of silence just to keep my mouth from saying anything else in the wrong context. I let my lips brush against his neck as I shifted behind him and whispered, "You want to aim for the middle one first, that way you can get a strike."

I reluctantly stepped back to let him try again and couldn't keep the grin off my face as he approached the lane. He stood right before the line, knowing now not to pass it, and chucked the ball down the lane, watching it bounce and roll down towards the pins where just before it went into the gutter, took out three pins.

He turned around, beaming, and tackled me in a hug, making me somehow find a way to balance both of us as he held tight to me. "Did you see? I hit the pins!"

I chuckled and smoothed back his hair, smiling at him, "I definitely saw you Shu and you'll do better next time." He finally let go of me, turning red again, and I picked up my ball, looking at the ten pins down the lane. I took a breath and took a small running start, bringing the ball back and then releasing it smoothly with a step forward. I watched as the ball didn't knock over all the pins, but there were only three left when the ball disappeared.

I turned around and saw Shuichi just staring at it. "I didn't know you could bowl that good." He finally said as I sat down at the screen, waiting for my ball to return.

"Don't worry, you'll get better. Did you see how I stepped?" He nodded, "You do that, follow my movements and release it smoothly. You won't always get a strike, but you will usually hit the pins." I stood back up and took the ball again, aiming and letting the ball go, knocking out the last three pins. When I returned I saw him staring at the slash mark on my screen curiously. "That means you got a spare, which is when you get all ten pins in two turns. An 'X' means you got a strike."

He nodded in understanding and went to try again. I glanced around us and saw Tohma and Mika bowling three lanes down next to Hiro and Ayaka. Amazingly, my ex fiancé hasn't approached me. Suguru was bowling with Sakano and K was with his wife and son next to us. I looked to my left at Tatsuha and Ryuichi and couldn't help but roll my eyes. I think they were more interested in rubbing against each other than actually bowling…Tatsuha was pressing against Ryuichi as much as possible as the vocalist kept shifting behind him, certain to rub up against him, while he instructed my idiot brother how to bowl. I sighed, this was going to be a long night.

"I don't think I've ever seen Eiri quite this nice." Mika whispered, yet somehow loud enough for me to hear her. "Or this patient."

I glanced at them, a glare already focused on them and saw K laugh, "I don't think I've ever seen him smile!"

"Shuichi seems happier as well." Hiro added, "He's talking about Yuki all the time again."

"Eiri-san has changed," Tohma agreed, "but can we be certain _that_ won't happen again?"

I finally stood up and walked towards them, causing them all to fall silent. "Next time you want to talk about someone, keep your voices down." I growled, especially glaring at Tohma, and passed them by to grab some sodas. I took my time there, trying to stay calm and not just kick their asses out right now or just leave with Shuichi for some other place. Actually, I was seriously thinking about the latter until I saw how much he was enjoying this. He was chatting excitedly with Ryuichi and asking on some tips on how to bowl while somehow being completely oblivious to my brother's advances of the older singer.

One look at the baka quelled my anger and a soft smile came to my lips as I watched him try again. He was just so cute with the look of concentration on his face and the ball in his thin arms. After a couple minutes I saw him start looking for me, that fear returning in his eyes, and I quickly returned, two sodas in hand.

"Yuki!" He said happily as I handed him a soda, "Where'd you go?"

"Where's it look like baka?" I snapped and saw his face falter. I guess not all my anger disappeared…I quickly smiled and cursed myself. "Sorry Shu, Tohma just said something that…_annoyed_ me." He nodded, still uncertain, and watched silently as I bowled my ball, completely guttering it. I groaned and returned to my seat while waiting for my ball to come back. I glanced up at my baka and saw the soft look on his face as he stared at me, a slight frown on his face and his eyes so sad. "Shuichi, please don't look at me that way."

He frowned, "What way?"

"You're sad now, I don't like it when you're sad." I messed up again. I just keep messing up and I don't know what to do about it. I try, I really do, and yet I still make him sad and so fearful. What's he afraid of? Oh, there are plenty of things for him to fear, but what does he _really_ fear?

"I'm…confused." He finally said, our game forgotten. I waited silently for him to continue, watching him stand in front of me, spinning his cup around in his hands. He wouldn't look at me and I could see he was getting nervous again. "I don't know what to do with you Yuki."

"What to do with me?" What the hell does that mean?

He finally looked up at me and I saw something unreadable in his eyes. "Before, I could place you in a…group, always, everyday and never had the lines blur. You were mad, annoyed, lustful, grouchy, sleepy or preoccupied and I could put you in any of those without a single problem." He frowned, cocking his head as he studied me. "But now…I don't know where to put you anymore Yuki. The lines…they're blurred and you no longer fit in them."

"And I don't want to." I whispered, "I don't want you to place me in a group Shu, I want you to let me show you how much I love you, no matter how long it takes."

He swallowed dry and I saw a tear run down his cheek. Why was he crying now? What had I said to upset him this time? Damn it, not again! "Even after all this time, you still love me?" He asked in a hushed voice.

I shook my head and opened my arms to him. Shuichi came willingly and I embraced him in a tight hug. "I will love you for eternity, but I want to show you that before anything else."

"Why didn't you tell me? You haven't told me that for an entire year…" He said into my shoulder, "I didn't think you loved me anymore."  
"I could never stop loving you Shu." I pulled him back so he could look at me and see what I said was true. "I didn't think you wanted me to say that to you, no matter how much I wanted to."

He blinked back tears, "I guess we're both interpreting this wrong."

I wiped away his tears with my thumbs. "Yeah, we are."

"Come on," he said, pulling me onto my feet, "I think I still need some lessons."

""

Midnight actually came quite quickly, I was surprised at how long we all lasted bowling. We all ate together and switched partners to play with others, there was a lot of talking, laughing, stories and eating. I think between Shuichi, Tatsuha and Ryuichi they cleaned out the entire concession stand, Tohma and I just stared at them as they devoured everything in sight.

I ended up playing with Tohma, Mika, Hiro, Tatsuha, Suguru and even Ayaka at least once, though I was paired with Shuichi the most, thankfully. K and Judy had to leave early since their son began falling asleep, but it was no big loss…everyone could leave for all I care and it wouldn't affect me…as long as Shuichi didn't leave that is.

Shuichi had actually proved to be a pretty good bowler, bowling quite a few strikes throughout the night and had won against a couple people, even against me once. I was certain I had a bruise on my back from where Shuichi tackled me to the ground after his first strike, but it was well worth it to see the wide smile on his face.

This was our last game and I had somehow ended up back with Tatsuha and Ryuichi next to me while I bowled against Hiro. Shuichi was beside me, just watching, he said something about being tired, but he certainly didn't act it jumping around and cheering both of us on.

Hiro and I both did horribly, or well considering this was our thirtieth game of the night, and came out with a score under seventy…Hiro won by three points. I finally groaned and collapsed into a chair, tired and so ready to go home. Small hands slicked back my hair and I looked up at Shuichi grinning down at me. "This was a lot of fun, Yuki, I enjoyed it."

"More than our first?" I asked, standing up and stretching my muscles, damn…I could really use a massage right now.

He shook his head, "The same, but in different ways."

"Well, I remembered you had said once you'd like to learn to bowl," I smirked, "and I wanted to take you."

"You…remembered that?" He whispered.

My smirk grew into a grin, "Just because I acted like I wasn't listening, didn't mean I wasn't Shu-chan."

He gaped at me for a minute before smacking me on the head lightly. "You bastard!" Making me laugh while he glared at me…I think he got that from me. He then stomped off towards Hiro and Ayaka to talk with them for a while, leaving me alone with my brother and the idiot. I tried to ignore them, I really did, but it's so hard when they're practically climbing all over each other and 'accidentally' groping each other. I huffed and sat down in a chair, trying to look anywhere other than the two men almost making out right in front of me. Damn, there are some things a brother is not supposed to see or here, and I was definitely seeing things that I was not supposed to.

"Our bodies would be very compatible." I heard my brother say and I rolled my eyes. Who would fall for such a lame ass…apparently a thirty year old singer. I watched as Ryuichi turned bright red at Tatsuha's words and I was certain the idiot would have passed out had Tatsuha not caught him and sat him down.

I looked over where Shuichi was talking with Hiro and smirked as I saw him rub his eyes tiredly. He never was a night person and I guess that never changed, he looked ready to fall asleep standing up. Smirking, I walked towards him and tapped his shoulder. "Ready to go home?" I asked him.

He smiled at me and nodded, stifling yawn. "Balls." He whispered and grabbing his bowling ball, started towards the back rack where we had gotten his from before. I followed closely behind with my own and it was only after we both put our balls down did I notice just how close we were.

Shuichi was staring up at me, his eyes big and his body only inches from mine. I heard the small gasp from him, but neither of us moved away and I continued to stare at him. I finally brought a hand up and brushed back some of his hair before trailing a finger down his cheek and resting it beneath his chin. He didn't move away, but his breathing hitched as he continued to look up at me.

I leaned in, my left arm now resting on the wall as Shuichi leaned back against the bowling ball rack, his hands limp at his side as he continued to stare up at me. Slowly, I tilted his chin upwards and gently touched his mouth to mine, savoring the taste of his lips. Even after a year, he tasted the same and I found my eyes slowly closing as my right hand moved up to cup the side of his face. There was no tongue involved, no teeth, or exploration…just a soft, chaste kiss. His mouth opened slightly to mine, but I pulled back before my gentle kiss escalated to something more passionate.

When I opened my eyes again, we were barely an inch away from each other and Shuichi's eyes were wide with what I hope is wonder. His lips were slightly parted and a soft blush crept up his face as I continued to stare at him. I finally let my hand drop from his face and gave him a soft smile before pulling away.

I finally noticed everyone had fallen silent and turned around to find everyone staring at us. Shuichi gasped and hid behind me, I'm certain blushing furiously, while I just looked at our audience. "Is there something you want to say?" I asked and they all quickly turned away, thinking it better to entertain themselves than piss me off—smart. I turned back to Shuichi and brushed back his bangs, "Ready?"

He nodded, smiling back at me and took my hand, interlacing our fingers. "More than ready." The look in his eyes made me wonder if his words had a double meaning, but I refused to let my mind fanaticize that idea. We quickly returned our bowling shoes and were soon back on the road towards his apartment.

I glanced side ways at him and smirked at the faint blush still on his cheeks. "I didn't mean to embarrass you…"

His blush grew, "I-I'm not embarrassed! Just surprised…in front of all those people…" He moaned, closing his eyes.

"You're embarrassed."

"Yuki!"

"All right, I'm sorry Shu-chan. You're just so easy to tease." I grinned, but then brushed his cheek with the back of my hand, saying seriously, "And I like it when you blush." Which made him blush all the more.

We were silent for the rest of the drive, content to be in each other's company and idle chat wasn't needed. I pulled into the parking lot and turned off the car, but I didn't make a move to get out yet. I looked over at my pink baka and smiled. He had drifted off on the way and I didn't have the heart to disturb him. I guess I was the only one content with his company and didn't need idle chat, apparently Shuichi needed sleep. He had pulled his legs up on to the seat and turned onto his side to find a more comfortable pose and had fallen asleep like that.

His lips slightly open, his pink hair covering his face, dark lashes closed lightly over his violet eyes and the moonlight reflecting off his face made him look perfect, so beautiful and innocent. His one hand rested on his legs while the other was tucked against his body and I found I could no longer resist the urge to touch that face.

I reached over and stroked back his pink locks before letting my fingers lightly touch his cheek. I couldn't believe how much I found myself wanting to do that now, to let my fingertips brush against his face, to touch him so gently and affectionately. I had never had the urge to do this before, it was always a raging passion to take him and show him through just how hungry I was for him how much I loved him. Yet now it was the opposite, now I wanted to show him how much I loved him through my gentle caresses.

"Yuki…?" He murmured when he felt my fingertips brush his cheek. Violet eyes slowly opened and blinked up at me, trying to remember where he was and why.

"We're here Shuichi." I whispered before pulling my hand back and stepping out of the car. If I hesitated even a second more I would've become intoxicated with his close proximity.

Shuichi stepped out and stretched, looking up at the full moon, framing his face perfectly and making my heart beat a little faster. Damn, did he have any idea just how much he tortured me without even knowing it? He turned to look at me and smiled, "I really enjoyed tonight Yuki."

I slowly walked towards him until I stood just before him. He frowned, uncertain of what I was going to do, but was completely taken by surprise as I lifted my thumb to run over his lips before catching them with my own. I was the first to open my mouth and let my tongue flick over his lips lightly before disappearing inside again. Shuichi responded immediately, his hands came up to wrap around my neck as he opened his mouth to me. I heard him moan as my tongue touched his and I slowly led him into my mouth, letting him explore it as I continued our kiss.

My arms wrapped around his waist and pulled him closer to me. I could feel him all around me, taste him, hear him, smell him and I was drowning. I could feel my control slipping, my passion taking hold as we were soon pressed against my car, our mouths still locked in fierce battle as our tongues fought for dominance. My heart was hammering in my chest and I could feel his beating as well, just as quickly.

Someone moaned, it could've been either of us, and we finally separated for air. Both of us were panting harshly, faces flushed, eyes full of lust and unspoken want and we were soon kissing again. All of my pent up frustration, my love, my hurt, my sorrow and my passion was poured into that kiss and I could feel the same coming from Shuichi. This time when we separated, I moved back before it went any further. Oh there's no doubt I want him, I wanted him right then and there, but I could tell he wasn't ready. I could tell by the way panic began to appear in his eyes and his muscles tensed and honestly…I don't think I was ready yet as well. Neither of us was mentally ready to go the next step for the second time and I knew any farther and any chance we had would be destroyed.

Slowly I pulled him into a tight hug and just held him. "I've missed you." I whispered, resting my chin on his head. "I never want to lose you again."

His grip tightened and I felt him bury his head deeper into my chest, "I have too Yuki."

After a couple minutes I pulled back and tilted his head up, "I don't want you to be afraid of me Shu…I'm not going to do anything we're not ready for, okay?"

He stared up at me in shock before smiling broadly and hugging me again. "Thank you." He whispered before kissing me lightly and darting away before I could even say goodnight. I chuckled as I watched the elevator move up to the third floor and his form quickly disappear inside the apartment. It was going to be torture, I knew it, but I also knew it would be worth it in the end.

"Love you." I said to the moon before turning away and driving back to my empty and lifeless apartment.

* * *

**Reviews:  
**  
Just so everyone knows ahead of time, I only answer those reviewers who have questions or suggestions, this does not mean I do not enjoy reading your reviews nor that I think any less of them, but I do not like to post over and over "Thank you and I'm glad you enjoy my story."

**DarkMetalAngel of Destruction:** Thank you for being my first reviewer and I do hope this story is up to par with the last one.

**Tsugath:** As you can see, their second date was the bowling alley and before anyone asks, I did make that up, Shuichi never says that anywhere.

**Anyuta:** As you can see I am going to continue it, hehe.

**Everyone Else:** Thank you for your reviews, I really did read every one of them. I'm glad so many people think I'm a good writer and as I've said before, I do truly hope this fic is just as much a success as Cutting Through It All was.


	3. Circus Time!

**Disclaimer:** I do not own_ Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** Please read _Cutting Through It All_ before reading this, this is the sequel and Yuki will seem very OOC if you have not read that first.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Three_

I looked up at the bright top tent, staring at it and hoping somehow it would go away if I kept staring at it, but of course, it didn't. I hated circuses, hated them with a passion and yet Shuichi loved them and so here I was…just staring. I did not want to go in; there was no way in hell I was going in. The line surged forward and Shuichi smiled, dragging me along with it. I didn't put much of a fight up because it was obvious that my little baka really wanted to go here and so of course, I took him, but that didn't mean I had to go in!

Shuichi had grabbed my hand and intertwined our fingers, giving me such a beautiful smile that I felt a tug at my heart…damn, I couldn't deny him. I forced a smile to my lips and tried to act excited about going to the circus, letting him lead me to the front where I paid for _two_ tickets. I took a breath and then entered; looking around as drums, trumpets and yelling assaulted my ears. I could already see the Ring Master in the middle of the ring talking to the crowd about how spectacular the show was to be. I tried to suppress a shudder and failed, but thankfully Shuichi was so enamored with the circus that he didn't witness my moment of weakness.

We chose a seat somewhere near the front and I closed my eyes as Shuichi looked around bright eyed. A year ago, he would've been bouncing up and down in his seat while I yelled at him to calm down, but a year ago, we wouldn't have been here either. I took a breath…damn I hated this place! I could deal with the animals, the parade, the noise and the acrobats, but I _could not_ tolerate the clowns, those…creatures scared me to death! Of course, I never told Shuichi I was terrified of clowns and only Mika, Tatsuha and Tohma knew about it.

I ground my teeth when the clowns arrived in the parade and felt my body tense, my mind already telling me to run. Fuck, I hate clowns! I don't want to be anywhere near them, I don't want to see them or even hear them! I took another breath and refused to look at them, it was bad enough I could hear them. I don't even know why I was so terrified of clowns, nothing ever happened to cause it, but they're just so…wrong and the white faces and the red nose and those outfits! I shuddered, damn did I hate clowns.

"Yuki?" A small voice asked next to me, startling me out of my hatred of clowns. I looked down at the young face and raised my eyebrows in question. "What's wrong?"

He was holding my arm, pressed against my side…he must've noticed my body tensing. "Nothing baka, just enjoy the circus." I almost snapped…even better, my colder side is coming out being around them. I saw the pain flash through his eyes, but I didn't say anything or try to take it back and he looked back at the parade with less enthusiasm. I sighed, I had done it again, but damn it, those clowns are just…creepy!

I wrapped an arm around his waist, hoping to lessen the sting of my words, but it didn't…he just gave me a small smile and then continued to look at the parade. I couldn't tell him about being afraid of clowns! It was ridiculous…

"Yuki…can we get some candy popcorn?" Shuichi suddenly asked and I looked down at him in surprise while he just gazed up at me with those violet eyes. "O-or not…" He whispered once I didn't respond, but I quickly fixed that mistake.

I raised my hand to the man and paid a ridiculous three dollars for a small bag of candy popcorn, but hey…I'm rich and so three dollars really is nothing, but it damn well better be some good popcorn or I am going to hurt someone. Damn…those clowns really are getting to me… I handed the bag to Shuichi with a small smile and then turned to look at the parade, thankful that the clowns were on the other side now. Now it was the tiger trainers and acrobats…next it would be the horses, then the elephants, then the random people and then the clowns once more…why did they have to go around twice?

Shuichi, on the other hand, had no problem with the clowns; instead he seemed to enjoy them thoroughly and laughed at their antics. How can anyone enjoy that is beyond me, I cannot wait until this is over…I groaned when the circus began and tried hard to at least pretend to enjoy it, but those clowns! How pitiful am I, a murderer, a cold bastard writer and a fearless man, to be terrified of clowns?

I looked down at him popping popcorn into his mouth and gave him a soft smile, bringing my hand up from his waist to lightly run my fingers through his hair. He looked up in surprise, but smiled at me before returning to the circus display going on…tiger tamer right now. I watched as the man dressed in bright red commanded the seven large Asian tigers to do numerous tricks and stunts. I have to admit it was quite stunning to watch such great creatures do those stunts, but at the same time…I've always felt slightly bad as well because they had no freedom, no real life.

* * *

A half hour later they brought out the elephants and horses. First it was the horses and acrobats, riding around on the horses, jumping from horse to horse and doing flips and such, then it was the elephants. Those massive creatures doing twirls and standing on their hind legs was ridiculous looking…then the Ring Master called for someone to come down and let the elephants walk over them…oh, what baka would do something like that!

"I'll do it!"

I looked to my right and stared at Shuichi, "You have got to be kidding you baka! You're not really going to!"

He smiled and just patted my head as he passed me, descending to the ring floor. Oh hell, I was not going to watch my baka get trampled on by elephants. I stood up and followed him down to the damn ring floor and turned him around.

"Shuichi—"

"Yuki! What are you doing down here?" He asked, surprised.

"I'm not letting you get trampled!" I growled. "There is no way in hell I'm going to let you do this."

"But Yuki, they're used to this stuff! They do it all the time, I'm not gonna get hurt." He pleaded, a pout on his face, making him so irresistibly cute.

"I refuse!" I growled.

"Hey man, it'll be fine!" Someone said from behind me, setting a hand on my shoulder. I turned around and stared into deep green eyes, a white face and a red nose.

"Fuck! Get the fuck away from me!" I almost screamed, tearing away from the damnable clown.

"Hey man! There are children here!" It said.

"Then you fucking stay away from me!" I growled, pushing Shuichi in front of me. I could care less about my pride anymore as long as the fucking clown stayed the hell away from me. Shuichi gave me a confused look from over his shoulder as I stood behind him and then looked at the clown. There was no fucking way I was letting that…that thing come near me, no way in hell!

"Yuki?" Shuichi asked, looking from me to the clown and then back to me. "Is something wrong?"

"Of course not!" I said sarcastically, but shoved Shuichi ahead of me when the clown came closer. "Stay the fuck away!"

"Sir, there are children here, please refrain from swearing." The clown said.

I growled and continued to step backwards. "Stay away damn it! I _hate_ clowns!" Without another glance, I stormed away, hell, the baka could go and get killed for all I cared right then, there was no fucking way I was going to stay near that damn clown for another minute. I quickly took my seat again, fuming, and watched as my baka lover stared at me for a minute before looking back at the trainer for instructions.

I ignored all the heated glares from mothers and the amazed stares from children and tried to calm my nerves enough to have a heart attack as I watched that baka lay down before six elephants. My hands knotted in my shirt as the trainer first led the six large elephants over Shuichi, my heart practically dying every time one of those massive feet stepped over him. Oh, but it wasn't over…no, no, no, no…it can't be over until I have a heart attack, of course it can't!

The trainer smiled down at Shuichi and then led their eleven ton elephant up to my little hundred pound lover and had the beast place a foot on his stomach, pressing down slightly. But it still wasn't over! No…then with my baby beneath the monster, the trainer had the massiveAfrican elephant do a couple tricks like balancing on two feet, rearing up and then coming back down to rest a foot on my baka and then even better, balancing on two feet as well as balancing a ball…Oh, I had my heart attack. My heart attack consisted of my heart stopping, me staring, then me storming back down to the ring, grabbing Shuichi and dragging him back up to our seats and sitting him down crossly.

"Aw, Yuki!" He pouted.

"I am not watching you die because you're stupid." I snapped and glared at everyone but him. I returned to watching the damn circus, shuddering every time I saw a fucking clown, and tried to enjoy it as much as possible. Yet it only took one look at the baka to see how uncertain he was now that I've snapped at him and I was already feeling guilty. I sighed but turned to him and lightly stroked his hair. "Do you want some…" I looked around, "cotton candy?"

Shuichi stared at me incredulously, but slowly nodded. "Sure Yuki."

I smiled and beckoned the man over. I didn't even have to ask Shuichi if he preferred blue or pink and just ordered the pink, handing over the bag of cotton candy to him. "There you go Shu-chan."

He brightened at the name and took it without hesitation, opening the bag to try the contents. "Thanks Yuki!" He smiled and took out a piece of pink fuzz. I gave him a small smile in return and turned back to watch as the trapeze acrobats took the stage. They were really the only thing about carnivals I liked…watching them fly through the air as if they were weightless is a beautiful thing to watch.

The first one took the bar and swung out into the arena, fifty feet in the air. The man then hung from his knees and swung back towards the platform where another man waited before jumping towards them. Shuichi gasped beside me and latched onto my arm as the man grasped the other's arms, crushing his cotton candy between his hands and my arm.

"He made it!" Shuichi squealed, watching the same man flip to the other bar. They did a couple tricks, making chains of two or three people and taking them across the leap to the other platform. The grip he had on my arm rarely lessened as we watched the trapeze artists go through their performance. He began eating his cotton candy again and both of us were soon enthralled with the flying trapeze acrobats. I even laughed some, though lightly, while Shuichi gasped, laughed and squealed throughout the performance.

I smiled down at him and completely lost all train of thought. Shuichi was still eating his cotton candy, but every time he put a piece into his mouth, he stopped for a second to suck, bite and lick the pink candy off his fingertips. I almost moaned watching as those slender fingers slipped inside his pink lips and that deep red tongue flicking out to lick at the pink candy stuck to his fingers. I tried to tear my eyes away as those same fingers returned glistening with saliva, clean of any candy that was on them, and dove back down to grab another piece of cotton candy.

He brought it up to his lips and stuck that little tongue of his out to lick slightly at the candy before popping it into his mouth and licking lightly at his fingers before stopping to stare at one. He then inserted it into his mouth and bit and licked at it until it was clean once more, glistening again with his saliva and leaving behind colored lips.

I did let out a moan that time, my eyes slightly closing as I watched through half lidded eyes as he once again sucked at his fingers, inserting half the finger and then slowly drawing it out until only the tip remained inside and then pushing it back inside to suck harder. His soft sucking sounds reached my ears as his cheeks drew in as he sucked harshly at the candy stuck to his fingers and my 'little problem' just got a lot bigger.

I moaned louder that time as his fingers disappeared once more into that wet, hot mouth…Oh God…I shifted lightly to cover my sudden erection from showing and finally tore my eyes away, but I was no longer oblivious to the sounds he was making. I wonder if he knew the affect he was having on me or not…damn my cock is twitching with every sucking sound he makes. Already the picture of that mouth elsewhere…somewhere where it was more needed at the moment and of God! I'm going to cum right here if he doesn't stop…

"I'll be right back Shu-chan!" I practically yelled at him and quickly went in search for a bathroom. Oh fuck did I need a bathroom, a tent, a damn bush! I don't care what the hell it is right now, as long as I find something because I'm about to cum right in my pants. I found the damn bathroom after another two minutes, thoughts of Shuichi naked on the bed, between my legs, that mouth licking and nipping and me…cumming, right damn well now!

I dashed into a bathroom stall and unzipped my pants quickly fisting my straining erection as even more erotic pictures of Shuichi came into my mind. I didn't last long at all, a year without sex and I was quickly becoming used to my hand and cold showers. "Oh God, Shuichi…" I groaned, my seed shooting harshly into the toilet as I collapsed against the side of the stall and took a minute to catch my breath from my hard climax. Damn, being this close to him was so intoxicating…I don't think I'm going to make it through this date without having to cum again, especially if he's still eating cotton candy.

After another five minutes, I finally cleaned up and zipped my pants back up, exiting the stall. I stopped to wash my hands and then slicked back my slightly damp hair before walking out again, hoping I looked composed and not like someone just gave me the best blowjob I've ever had.

I took my time and bought us drinks before returning, all traces of masturbation gone. I sighed and sat down beside him, handing him his drink and thankful that he was no longer eating cotton candy. I looked at the circus, they were about to do one final trick and then it would be over.

"Yuki…what's that?" Shuichi asked and I looked to see him pointing at the front of my pants. I followed his fingers and quickly brushed off the dried semen stuck to my pants.

"It's just soap." I mumbled, turning back to the circus before he could question me again, but he was content with that answer. I refused to look at him for the rest of the circus, afraid if I did then I'd be moaning again and visiting the bathroom. Yet he scooted closer to me and laid his head on my shoulder and I couldn't refuse anymore. I looked down at him just as the circus was ending and smiled when he sleepily blinked up at me. "Getting tired?"

"Sorry…I didn't sleep very much last night…" He muttered.

"You baka…" I muttered, but helped him stand up. I blinked when we stepped out into the light and checked my watch, three pm. A four hour circus…well, that's the longest circus I've ever been to…though I've only been to two others. "Why didn't you sleep very much?"

He tensed beneath my arm and I frowned down at him, what the hell did I say? He suddenly relaxed and shrugged, "It was just…a long night that's all."

I didn't respond, we both knew he was lying, though I didn't know why he would, and so I just let it drop. I escorted him back to the car and started the engine, letting it idle as I tried to decide what to do next. "Did you enjoy the circus?"

Shuichi smiled brightly, "Yeah! I haven't been to a circus in years!"

"Good, maybe we can stay away for another couple years." I muttered, putting the car in reverse.

"What did you say?"

"Nothing." I smiled and started out; damn…my car's muddy now. "Mind if we stop by the carwash first?"

He shook his head and I pulled into the first carwash I saw. I paid quickly and then drove up to the automatic carwash, making Shuichi gape. "We're going in there?"

I cocked an eyebrow, "What's wrong?"

"I've never been in one…don't we have to get out?" He asked as I drove into the wash.

"No." The car locked into place and I turned the engine off, smiling at him as the carwash started. He gasped when the sprinklers started, moving back and forth, and then the soap covered the car. I watched as Shuichi tried to look out the window to see what was going on, but couldn't because of the suds. Then the cloth rags came and began washing the car, making Shuichi squeal.

"We're moving!" He said, pressed up against the windshield.

"No we're not baka, it just looks like it." I snorted, but there was no way my words were going to ruin his fun, he smiled as the rags continued to beat down on my car, making me cringe. If there was even one dent in my car…oh someone was going to die… Then the rags disappeared and the sprinklers turned on again to wash off the soap. The car unlocked and the light came on to 'drive slowly'. I turned on the engine and slowly pulled in through the dryer, waiting until the very end of the car was out before tearing out of there.

"Yuki!" Shuichi laughed, sitting back to buckle up again.

"Hm?"

"You drive too fast!"

"So?" I grinned, going faster; I shifted gears, passed a car, and then tore back towards his apartment. "Where are we going Shuichi?"

"You're driving!"

"But you better tell me or I won't turn." He looked up ahead at the house.

"You wouldn't!"

"Want to try me?"

He scowled and waited, but I kept driving forward, oh I could miss the house, but I knew he wouldn't go that far. He waited until it was almost too late and then screamed, "Right!"

I slammed on the break, shifted down and screeched around the turn, making Shuichi squeal and close his eyes shut, waiting for impact. But of course, it never came, shit I've done this so many times its second nature. I straightened out and tore off again, grinning. "Now where Shu?"

"You idiot!" He scowled, hitting me in the shoulder. "Why'd you do that?"

"I told you to tell me where to go, now you better tell me or I'm going to keep going to straight."

"Left!  
I turned, not as intensive, but still made him close his eyes and brace for impact. "Calm down Shu!" I grinned, straightening the car out once more.

"Slow down!"

I sighed and slowed down about two miles, smirking at Shuichi. "Well, have you decided where to go?"

"U-um…the store!"

I looked sideways at him, "The store."

"Yeah, I have some stuff I need to get. Is that a problem?" His voice slightly sounding annoyed. Well that was a new one for me, he's annoyed at me instead of me being annoyed with him…I sighed and turned into the store, parking as far from the store as possible. "Yuki, why do you always park so far away?" He asked once we got out.

I tucked one hand into my jacket pocket and used the other to sweep back my sunglasses, "Because I don't want anyone denting, scratching or even touching my car."

He shrugged and followed me into the store. I watched silently as he grabbed a cart and started down the aisles, randomly grabbing things off the shelves and throwing it into his cart. He then went to the packaged meats and grabbed a couple packages of hamburger before disappearing down another aisle. It was apparent from how he sped down each aisle that he went here often…I don't think I've actually stepped inside grocery store for the past six months. I usually just ordered out or Tohma brought over fresh fruit and milk, I don't drink anymore. Oh, I'll have a beer once in a while, but only when someone else is around, I don't have beer in the house anymore. After I found out that I abused Shuichi, I refused to have alcohol in the house ever again.

We walked up to the checkout and I grabbed a soda from the front before stepping in line after him. A part of me wanted to pay for the groceries like before, but I knew Shu wouldn't like that, especially now that he's independent. As I watched the groceries get placed into bags I silently wondered where the hell all of them were going to fit, I've never seen so many bags before! There must've been fifteen or twenty different bags full of things he 'needed'. I think at the most I've gotten has been…four and that was a large amount.

"How much do you eat?" I asked once we started out of the store.

He scowled, "I don't eat that much!"

"And that's why you're buying a year's worth of food?"

"It's not a year's worth of food! Anyways, it's cheaper when it's on sale."

"It'll be on sale again."

"But maybe not when I need it." He pointed out.

"Then you buy it at full price." I shrugged, "You're a celebrity, you can afford it at full price."

"But I'd rather buy it on sale."

I gave up. It was a pointless argument over something stupid, but it felt nice. It felt normal to argue with him again, even if it was pointless. "Fine baka." I sighed and started towards my car again, the cart jingling behind me loudly.

The sound got louder, the jingling faster, and I turned around to see a whirl of pink fly by me going, "Weee!" I stared as the baka hung onto the cart, flying down the parking lot towards my…car!

"Shit! My car!" I yelled, running towards them and watching almost in slow motion as the cart hit my car and Shuichi fell to the ground, tipping over the cart. I think I died…my baby…the baka scratched my car! "You baka!" I yelled, storming up to him. Shuichi slowly stood up, dragging the cart away, and somewhat crying.

"I-I'm sorry Yuki…" He whispered as I knelt down and checked my car…yup, it was scratched and dented. Not by some passerby, not by another car, but by my own little baka standing next to me.

I sighed, closed my eyes and counted to ten, praying I could keep my temper under control when I face him. I turned around and he flinched at my glare. "You baka!" I hissed…well there goes my control. "What the hell were you thinking? You are such an idiot!" He flinched again and stared down at the ground, holding one arm in his hand, slowly rubbing it. "You scratched my car, you dented it, it's going to have to go into the shop now and it could've been a lot worse. You could've hit someone else's car, you could've hit someone else, damn it, _you_ could've gotten hurt!" Where did that last one come from? I think it surprised both of us because he looked up with wide eyes as I just stared, yet it was true…

"What?" He asked in a small voice.

I stood up and stepped towards him, making him flinch again. Was he really that afraid of me? I gathered him into a hug and held him close, reasserting that he really was here and not dead like I thought a year ago. "What would've happened if a car hit you?" I whispered to him, "What would I have done if you had fallen on your head Shuichi? Tell me."

He gripped my shirt, bowing his head, "I-I don't know…"

"You baka." I muttered, rocking him back and forth. "I don't want to lose you again."

"I'm sorry Yuki."

I sighed and released him, "Let's see what we can salvage, okay?" I knelt down and picked up the scattered groceries. He lost his three gallons of milk, a bag of hamburger had opened, his bread got squished and a couple of the cans he had been beyond saving. We threw away everything we had to, Shuichi complaining about what was still good as I threw it into the trashcan, I was not going to let him have leaking cans of…whatever in my car. He already damaged my baby; I was not going to let him ruin the leather as well.

We then packed everything else into the car, after I inspected each bag carefully, and then I made him stop so I could check him over. He had four cuts and a large scrap on his left shoulder where he had fallen, but other than that he was fine.

* * *

I took him back to his house and made him sit down as I carried the bags in, then I made him get the first aid kit so I could clean those wounds. He whined, of course, when I poured peroxide on it, but we soon had them cleaned and bandaged. I began to move away when my eyes caught the scars on his arms. My body froze, my eyes locked on the scars marring his arms because…because…of me.

"Yuki?" Shuichi questioned, staring at me curiously, but I didn't answer. I slowly reached out a shaking hand and touched those scars, grinding down on my teeth to stop the tears from coming. All of this is my fault, what the hell did I do to deserve another chance to make him happy. And I wasn't…all I was doing was hurting him again! My fingertips traced them with a feather light touch, just brushing over each scar left on his body.

I took a shaky breath before finally looking up at him from where I knelt before him. I couldn't talk, the guilt rising up in me and weakening my composure. "I am so sorry..." I whispered to him before the tears began to fall, this was only the third time he has every seen me cry and every time it surprised him. He stared down at me with shock and didn't move as I traced those scars once more, my tears falling more and more with each new scar.

How could I do this to him? Damn it! I say I love him and yet I'm able to tear him apart…what twisted love is that? I don't exactly know how long I traced those scars, especially the ones going from the inside of his elbow to his wrists—those were the ones he made the night I found him almost dead in the corner. But the tears were coming more and more and soon a small sob caught in my throat. I bowed my head and cried into his lap, my hands gripping his scarred arms.

I don't know how long we were like that, but when I came back to my senses he was holding me and I was crying into his shoulder, both us now sitting on the couch. I gripping him tightly, almost bruisingly, as I cried, soaking his shirt with my tears. Damn, I'm so weak but at that moment I could've cared less. "I'm so sorry Shuichi." I said again as I tried to calm my crying enough to speak. My voice was thick with tears, but I didn't care, "I'm so sorry, I never meant for this to happen."

"I can't tell you its okay or that it's in the past Yuki, but please stop crying…" He whispered. "I can't tell you it will ever be okay, but this is just as much my fault for how I handled this as it yours for ruining our relationship."  
I took a shuddering breath and hung onto him for dear life. "It's all my fault because if I hadn't…hadn't—"

"Cheated on me Yuki? Beat me? Ignored me? Swore at me? Kicked me out? Yuki we could do this all day, but I want to move passed this." He whispered calmly to me. How could he be so calm about this? I'm a crying wreck, a mess and I'm relying on the one who's supposed to rely on me. This isn't how it's supposed to work, it's Shuichi who is supposed to be weak and crying, not me.

"Can we?" I whispered against his neck.

There was a long pause before Shuichi answered me in a soft voice, "I don't know."

"Why didn't you leave me when I abused you Shu?" I finally asked, a thought on my mind for the past year that I never could get out of my head. I never had the nerve to ask him, because I didn't want to hear the answer.  
"Because…I didn't want to leave you Yuki. I tried," he whispered into my hair, "I tried so many times because I knew you'd rather have me leave you than stay with you and be beaten, but I never could do it. It was better to be abused than leave you."

"No!" I almost yelled, "No, it's never better! No, I don't care if you have to kill me, if I have to kill myself, if I _ever_ touch you again like that, then leave me Shuichi. Please, for me."

He nodded, "But you won't, will you?" He asked.

I shook my head, "No, never again."

"Then there won't be a reason for me to leave." He scooted some and I pulled away. "Lay down." He said softly, patting his thigh and I did, laying my head on his thigh and sighing when his fingers began running through my hair. He started humming lightly, I recognized it as the first song he ever wrote, and I closed my eyes, my tears finally drying. I sighed contently and wrapped one arm around his leg and brought the other up to stop his hand for a second so I could kiss it.

I think he smiled then, but I didn't open my eyes to see. Shuichi began stroking my hair again and he was soon singing the words lowly. My breathing evened out and the rhythmic feeling of his fingers in my hair and his soft voice had me hypnotized, I felt so weak and yet so strong at once. My body seemed to become heavier and I relaxed my muscles as he continued to sing.

_berubetto no KOIN dake o PAKKU ni tsumete  
__meiro no you na yume no chizu wa iranai  
_

_saka-maku kodou kara  
__kirakira gin no Passion kakehiki dake no yuuwaku  
__kowaresou na kimi no hitomi ga ikeru DOA tataite  
__sagashi-tsuzukeru You Just a New World_

_MEIN SUTORIITO ni kizamu semegi-atta namida ga…_

Dhampir  
Page 10  
2/20/05

_

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_  
**Note:** I'm sorry for the late update, but I've been sick and so have only updated the fics that I had finished chapters for. Also, I'm sorry this chapter is not as long, but I thought this was the best place to leave off or I'd be going on for another ten pages. Anyways, I hope you enjoyed and no, I am not giving up my fic nor will I ever abandon it. If there is a late update it's because I'm sick or failing a class or something big, not because I don't feel like it. I just wrote this yesterday and today, but it's not rushed.

Anyways, I'll have to do reviews next time since I have like two other fics I have to update that people are annoyed at me for.

-Dhampir


	4. What Have I Done?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters except the ones I made up in this chapter.  
**Note:** If you have not all ready, please read _Cutting Through It All_ before this story. It is a sequel and everything will make more sense if you read the very depressing pre-quel.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Four_

I awoke slowly, inhaling deep the stale air of my apartment and the smell of cigarette smoke…that wasn't there. I frowned, my arm over my eyes, and shifted in my bed…that oddly felt harder than usual. I groaned, my hand gripping at my leather sheets… What the fuck?  
I sat up and opened my eyes, looking around Shuichi's apartment. I looked at the leather couch and fingered the blanket over me…what exactly happened last night? Fuck, I needed a smoke… I stood up, looking around the apartment for the pink haired man, but didn't see him anywhere.

"Shu?" I called, blinking the sleep from my eyes. How long have I been here? Damn, I cried again…I'm not supposed to cry anymore. I groaned, sweeping my hair back with one hand. Shit, I needed a shower too…

The pink haired man stuck his head from his room, already wide awake. "Yeah?"

Fuck this was awkward. I sat back down on the couch, closing my eyes and trying to keep back the headache I could feel coming. "Never mind." I muttered, rubbing the bridge of my nose. This was going to be a fucking migraine! I needed to get out of here…

He came and sat down next to me, I could feel the couch give beneath him. "Is something wrong Yuki?" He asked quietly.

"I just…" I moaned, this isn't good. I've been stressing so much over making everything perfect for him that my own health was taking a turn for the worst…

"Yuki?" He whispered and I looked at him.

"I'm fine." I lied, starting to stand up, but a wave of nausea caught me and I fell back into the couch. Covering my mouth as a bout of coughing caught me. Shit, this isn't good.

Shuichi grabbed my arm, "Yuki!" I clapped my other hand over my first, I could already taste the blood in my mouth. Shit, shit, shit, this is not what I needed. I took a shaky breath and turned to look at Shuichi…I did not want to pull him into this again. Last time this happened I left him and just looking at his face I could tell the same thoughts were passing through his eyes. "Yuki! Yuki, are you okay?" He asked, his voice quaking with fear. "Yuki, please! Say something!"

"Doctor…" I whispered to him once my coughing subsided, blood dripping between my fingers. Shuichi was gone in a flash, calling an ambulance and trying to calm his shaking. Damn, I'm upsetting him as well. He returned to my side, his hands shaking as he passed me a cloth, and I wiped the blood off my hands and mouth. I could already feel another coughing fit coming, but I gave him a small smile. I nodded to him in thanks before the next fit came.

"Yuki…" He whispered, hugging my waist and burying his face into my shoulder.

I wrapped my one arm around him loosely as coughs racked my chest. I could already hear the doctor scolding me…

"Yuki-san, I have told you to stop overstressing yourself, I don't care if you have to take a year off from writing! Your health is more important than any novel." My doctor said and I glared at him. No shit, I think I know that.

"I haven't written for a year." I snapped at him, crossing my arms over my chest and sitting up in bed.

"I told you to stay lying down."

"Well, I'm not going to."

"Yuki-san."

"Send Shuichi in here." I said before he could start another rant.

The doctor's mouth closed and his lips pressed into a thin line. He refused to say anything else, thankfully, and spun on his heel to get Shuichi. My pink haired baka came in slowly, almost timidly, and looked up at me with sad, heavy eyes.

Shit, he's blaming himself… "Shu." I said quietly, calling him to my side. He came, but stayed out of reach as if he was afraid he'd hurt me.

"I-I'm sorry Yuki." He said, pulling on his sleeve.

"Shu, come here." I whispered, opening my arms and looking right at him. Slowly, he came to me, crawling onto the bed next to me. I took him in my arms and held him tight…damn, I missed this too. I missed everything about him and feeling him in my arms again was a cure all in its own. "Why are you apologizing?" I asked, holding him against my chest.

He remained silent and I looked down at him to find him silently crying, his arms wrapped around my waist.

"Shuichi, this isn't your fault. I did this to myself and I'm not leaving." I said, quelling both his fears. "I just worried you'd…" Damn I hated this…talking about your feelings was harder than it looked! I hated crying not because I looked weak, but because it showed my weaknesses and exposed them to the world. "I thought you'd hate me for what I did to you." I whispered into his hair, tightening my grip on him. "So I stressed over if you'd like what I had planned or not and if you really did hate me and I just forgot to take my…own health into account."

"But if I hated you I wouldn't talk to you." He said against my chest, still crying.

I rubbed his back, "Don't cry." I said, moving one hand to wipe away his tears. "I don't like it when you cry."

"Sorry Yuki." He whispered.

"Come on…" I said, lying down and turning on my side so I could hold him better. I heard him sniffling, but he moved closer to me and buried his head in the crook of my neck. "I won't leave, I promise, unless you want me to." I whispered to him.

He shook his head, whispering, "I don't want you to."

I sighed in relief and held him closer. Well, that right there just relieved half of my stress. "Neither do I." I said to him, content with just holding him close to me and feeling the warmth of his body next to mine.

Two days later I was released from the hospital on strict orders not to overstress myself again. Well shit, that's easy for the doctor to say, he's not the one trying to get back the lover he abused and drove to cutting himself. I think it's a pretty safe bet that I'll overstress myself again.

Shuichi refused to let me drive and drove me home instead, my car already there somehow. He was quiet the entire drive, refusing to look at me, and I was beginning to fidget. What'd I do now? Violet eyes locked on me after he parked and I stared back, waiting.

"Yuki…" He whispered, oh shit, he's breaking up with me. He's breaking up with _me_. It's never gone like this before, I'm the one who's supposed to break up with him and kick him out and yell and insult him, not the other way around. Yet instead he crawled on top of me and raked back my blonde hair with his fingers.

I remained where I was, uncertain of what he was doing or why, and watched him. Slowly he cupped my face and stared into my eyes, an unreadable emotion building in his eyes. Ever so slowly he brought his lips towards me and softly kissed my eyes, cupping my face with his slender hands. I slightly tilted my head to look up at him and watched with half lidded eyes as he slowly began kissing down the side of my face to my jaw.

My eyes fluttered closed and I gave into the soft treatment of kisses though I didn't quite understand what he was doing… His hands filtered through my hair again and I let out a soft sigh before his lips touched mine ever so gently. Before I could even respond, his lips left mine and trailed down my chin to my neck before coming back up to met my lips once more.

This time I returned the soft kiss, a small moan escaping my throat. Shuichi finally pulled away and stared down at me, his eyes so soft and full of fear. "Shu…?" I whispered, bringing my hand up to brush his cheek. Why is he scared? Why are those beautiful eyes of his filling with tears? Why is he shaking?

Suddenly he buried his head into the crook of my neck, circling his arms around me, and cried, his small body shaking with sobs.

"Shuichi? Shu, what's wrong?" I asked, my arms finally winding around his lower back and pulling him closer.

"I…I thought you were dying." He said between sobs, "When I saw the blood, I thought…" He stopped, crying more…

"I'm not dying love." I whispered to him, kissing his neck. "And I won't leave you." Kissing his neck again, I slowly moved upward as much as I could, giving him the same soft kisses he just gave me. He turned his head and met my lips, taking everything he could from me; this was something we both needed. I opened my mouth to him for an intimate kiss and let my tongue slide against his. There was nothing passionate about it, but in that one kiss I could feel everything we didn't say: Love, want, uncertainty, fear, anger and promise.

We separated and stared at each other, both of us searching the other. Was what I felt in that kiss what he felt? Did we both convey those feelings or just me? Shuichi gave me a soft smile and dipped down for another kiss, meeting me halfway. This time our kiss was more heated, more passionate and secure and I wanted more, needed more. My hands pulled him closer while his hands returned to raking through my hair, both of us pressing closer. I could feel both of us becoming hard and Shuichi rocked his hips against me trying to find a more comfortable position on my lap.

I gasped as he rubbed against my erection and pulled him even closer, savoring our close proximity and the feeling of his small body against mine. I wanted more, but we weren't ready for that yet…but damn did this feel good.

"Yuki…" He moaned against my lips, separating to nibble at my ear.

I smirked, holding back a moan, "Brat." I muttered as he began nipping and sucking at my neck. He rocked his hips again, this time deliberately, and moaned against my neck. His hands left my hair and trailed down my chest; brushing my nipples and making me give a small moan. My own hands moved down and caressed his ass, oh God did that feel good, that soft, well formed ass of his in my hands made my cock twitch.

Shuichi's hands dipped inside in shirt and ran his warm fingers up my chest. Damn, he's good at this, is he _trying_ to make me lose control? A small possessive growl left my throat when he tweaked my nipples and I took his mouth in a hungry kiss, thrusting my tongue into his mouth and biting at his lips. I began rocking him against me, thrusting my hips upwards with each rock, making both of us gasp.

"Yuki!" He moaned, meeting my kiss with just as much fervor as me, his hands slightly clenching against my chest, scratching lightly. I wanted to let my hands slide inside those tight jeans he was wearing, but I knew that doing that would take us passed that line and I didn't want to scare him. It was all up to him, he had to make the choice. So I continued to caress his ass, squeezing it lightly every couple thrusts, grinding him against me.

Shit, this was getting too heated and we're in a damn car. I did not want our second first time to be in a fucking car. I didn't care if we were outside, in his apartment, in my apartment in someone else's apartment, but I didn't want it to be cramped inside a car.

He suddenly pulled back, his face flushed with need and his breaths coming in short pants, his hands still inside my shirt and his groin pressed against mine. We barely had a single inch between our bodies, both of us hot, sweaty and wanting more. Yet he suddenly pulled away from me and just stared. His eyes softened, losing that lusty gaze, and he moved his hands from under my shirt before gently sweeping back my sweaty bangs. "Sorry Yuki, I guess I got a little carried away." He whispered to me before gently kissing me again.

I cupped one side of his face as we kissed, our tongues intertwining in another intimate kiss, and smiled at him once we parted. "Don't apologize."

He climbed off of me and let his head fall back onto the headrest. "Oh geez…" He moaned, shifting in his now too tight jeans.

I grinned and leaned over, tilting his head towards me so I could kiss him again. I slowly explored his mouth this time, listening to him moan, and bit at his bottom lip lightly before moving back. "I'll see you soon and Shuichi…" I paused waiting for him to open his eyes again and look at me before whispering, "I love you." I quickly opened the door and got out, feeling like a complete idiot for leaving him in the car gaping at me.

I hastily made my way to my apartment, nodding to my neighbor as we passed in the hall, and then turned around to see he was still sitting there. I smirked, I guess I shocked him…He really hadn't believed me when I told him that over a year ago…Shit, I'm not going there. No.

I remained outside of my door and pulled out a cigarette, damn did I need one. Lighting it, I watched as my pink haired baka finally reversed and left the parking lot. Once I finished that cigarette, I lit another one, trying to get my cock to deflate and leave me the hell alone.

I stood outside for two hours just smoking and staring at the surrounding buildings. I watched Mr. Yamamaki wash his car, Miss Yoko gather her mail as well as Mrs. Wu and the elderly Mr. Sugo's mail and then the children came home from school, six children lived in this apartment complex. I chuckled, it's weird…a year ago I didn't know who else lived around me except for the one's in my apartment and now I knew not just who they were, but also about their lives.

Mr. Yamamaki's wife died after their second child and now he was raising the two boys on his own and struggling. Sometimes I even watched the older boy, Keita, for him. He was thirteen and wanted to be a writer—how familiar—and also loved _Bad Luck_, lucky for me...of course Keita didn't know I knew Shuichi or that we were intimate at one point, but he did know all about Shuichi's life. Then there was me…he knew about me as well, he read many of my books and was always asking when my next was going to be published and what was taking me so long. In many ways he was like Shuichi and then in many ways he was like me. He was almost a perfect mix of me and Shu.

Miss Yoko is only nineteen, but already a model for some hot magazines. She's nice and tries to help others out, but I can tell she's bulimic. I've tried to get her help, but she refuses, of course, and sometimes I wonder if it's already too late for her…Shuichi was anorexic and it was almost too late for him. The long haired black woman is beautiful beyond comparison and if I wasn't so taken with my Shuichi, I'd probably be fucking her, but now…she's more of a sister to me than anything else.

Then there's Mrs. Wu and Mr. Sugo. The two elderly people live on the first floor and are two of the nicest people I know. Mrs. Wu always makes a trip up here to visit me because she says I'm too lonely while Mr. Sugo always asks how my day has been whenever he sees me.

Those four people have made the most impact on my life than anyone else here. Oh there are others who live here of course, even one man, Yoshitoki, reminds me of me. Or at least the old me. He stays to himself, he cold to everyone and he refuses help from everyone. I know there's nothing I can do because I understand how he feels, but I hope someday soon he'll meet someone and understand what it means to love and to be loved as Shuichi did to me.

I sighed, letting my cigarette drop from my hand, and turned to my apartment with the setting sun. Opening the door, it suddenly occurred to me that this was the first time Shuichi had been to my new apartment—even if he hadn't gone inside. But he hadn't asked about it…not even when I was giving the directions to get here…but then, we were both distracted…I smirked, damn, he's gotten better at foreplay.

Clicking on the lights, I looked around my empty apartment and sighed again, almost seeing my pink haired baka jumping up and latching onto my waist, smiling up at me as he welcomed me home. I smiled at the memory and closed the door, my smile slipping as I walked around the empty apartment. Another night alone…

**

* * *

**

"Hold on Keita, now what you're suggesting is that I should've let the character die?" I asked the thirteen year old sitting across from me.

The blue eyed, brown haired teen nodded. "Yes! It would've been better."

"It made number one in the nation." I said flatly.

"But it still would've been better if Keiya had died at the end! It was so tragic all throughout the book and yet you end it with the two of them together?"

"That's because they were overcoming their problems and sorrows. We both know if Keiya had died then Tadakatsu would've followed."

He harrumphed and leaned back into my couch. "I know."

I smiled at the boy and looked at the book in my hand. "Why are you reading this anyways?"

"Because I wanna be a writer like you Yuki-san!" He glared.

"All right, all right." I chuckled, backing down from the glare. Standing up I went to my room. "I'll be right back, I'm going to change into something more comfortable."

"Okay Yuki-san." He said, turning on the television. I sighed and went to my room, stripping out of my suit and dress shirt and sliding on a pair of lounge pants. I hadn't even gotten to put on my shirt when the doorbell rang.

I frowned, "Who the hell is that?" I asked aloud, Mr. Yamamaki wasn't due for another two hours…

"Yuki-san! Someone's at the door!" Keita yelled.

I rolled my eyes, "I know Keita…" I muttered to him as I passed him by. I opened the door and stared at…nothing. "What the fuck?" I whispered under my breath and looked down the hall, spotting a flash of pink hair. "Shuichi?" I asked before darting out to follow him. I saw him dart into the elevator and cursed as I took down the stairs, almost breaking my neck as I jumped the stairs.

What the hell is going on? Why would he come to my apartment just to run away from me? I burst from the staircase at the same time the elevator doors opened. "Shuichi!" I yelled, but he didn't listen and continued to run away. I caught him around the waist and pulled him back. "Shuichi, what the hell's wrong?"

He tore away from me and turned around, his face tear streaked and red. "Yuki you baka!" He yelled at me. "I hate you! Didn't you tell me yesterday that you loved me? Didn't you?"

Well…this was new. I looked down at him in shock and tried to approach him, but he stepped back. "Yes, I told you I loved you because I do Shuichi."

"How can you say that when…when you're sleeping with someone else?" He asked me.

"Sleeping with someone else? Shuichi, where is this coming from?" I asked, finally gathering him into my arms, but he just pounded on my chest with his fists, sobbing.

"I hate you! Is anyone just good enough for you Yuki? Am I not enough? I thought you _loved _me! How could you do this to me?"

"Damn it Shuichi! Where the hell is all this coming from?" I snapped in confusion. "I haven't had sex in over a year you baka because I want you and only you. So will you tell me where you're getting this from?"

He finally calmed down some, but continued to cry. I guess he didn't believe me… "W-when I knocked on your door…someone else was in there." He finally said, his voice so soft I barely heard the answer.

"Oh Shuichi, you baka, that was Keita." I said, holding him closer. I kissed his forehead and made him look up at me. "I love you and no one else. Since…that night I haven't slept with a single person Shuichi—I swear."

"T-then who is Keita?" He asked, his tears slowly.

I took his hands and kissed his fingers, making him look up at me curiously. "I know someone who'd love to meet you…" I said to him and led him back to my apartment. Shuichi bit his bottom lip nervously, but didn't protest. "Relax Shu-chan." I whispered as we walked back into my apartment.

The short brown haired teen looked over the couch at me. "Yuki-san, why'd you run out like that?"

I turned and let Shuichi come in. "Shuichi, this is Yamamaki Keita. Keita, this is—"

Keita gasped when he saw the rock star and jumped off the couch. "S-Shindou Shuichi! Lead Vocalist for _Bad Luck_!" He said, running up to stare at Shuichi. "Yuki-san! Why didn't you tell me you knew Shindou Shuichi?" He asked, glaring up at me.

I smiled down at him, "Ah…well…Shu-chan?" I asked, effectively making him blush.

"Well, I guess it didn't seem very important." He answered.

"How can knowing the lead singer of _Bad Luck_ not be important?" Keita scowled.

"Ah, well…I don't really know." Shuichi laughed.

"Oh and Shu-chan…" I whispered, leaning close to him and making him blush even more. "He's only thirteen so there's nothing to worry about…"

"Y-Yuki!" He whispered back.

"Hmm?" I grinned, nipping at his ear, my arms moving down to encircle his waist.

"What are you doing?" He asked, tensing in my arms.

"Saying hello to my boyfriend or can't I do that?" I murmured into his ear before looking at him.

He looked up at me wide eyed, "Boyfriend…?" He whispered.

"No?"

Shuichi shook his head vigorously before wrapping his arms around my neck and hugging me tightly. "Yuki!" He moved back, forgetting Keita, and kissed me passionately, his tongue thrusting into my mouth and his eyes fluttering closed. He pulled away, giving me a small smile, and blushed when he noticed Keita gaping at us.

"You two are gay!" He practically yelled, pointing at us. "Yuki-san? You're gay? And with Shindou Shuichi?"

I smirked at him, cocking an eyebrow, "Is that a problem?"

"O-of course not…Yuki-san…" He said, looking away from us.

Shuichi smiled and then began chatting animatedly with my little writer, talking about singing and all his songs and how he wrote them. I just leaned against the door and watched them talk on the couch, looking at the Music Channel and singing. I couldn't keep the smile off my face as Shuichi described his first concert and how Ryuichi had to come and save him because he froze. Never did apologize for that…oh well.

Two hours later, there was a knock on the door and I snapped out of my stupor. I tore my eyes away from my little pink haired baka and opened the door, nodding to Mr. Yamamaki. "Come on it." I said, stepping back to let the older man in.

I turned to see Shuichi looking at me curiously as I spoke with Keita's father about Keita. "Thank you Yuki-san, for watching Keita, I don't know how I'd deal with both of them at once…"  
"I've told you, it's a pleasure to have Keita here, he's really becoming a good writer for his age." I smiled.

"Really Yuki-san?" Keita squealed before hugging me around the waist just like Shuichi used to do…He looked up at me with such large eyes that all I could do was nod.

"Keita, come on, we must be going." Mr. Yamamaki said, smiling at the two of us. Slowly Keita nodded and released me, but only to fling himself at Shuichi and hug him as well.

"Thanks for the autograph Shindou-san!"

Shuichi smiled, "I told you, call me Shuichi."

"Right." He blushed. "Shuichi!"

Mr. Yamamaki thanked me again and then took Keita's hand, "Come on, Shinji has been asking after you all day." He said, walking out the door. I closed it and shook my head, it never changed. Every time Keita came here to work on his homework and talk, Shinji would constantly ask after him, wondering where his brother was and if he was okay and when he would be returning. The ten year old had even came up to my apartment before just to make certain his brother was really there and coming back.

"You watch children now?" Shuichi asked quietly, that soft contemplation look on his face.

I nodded, "Mr. Yamamaki works two jobs and can't handle watching both of them. Keita is more of a handful than Shinji is though because he has A.D.D. So I watch him three or four times a week."

"I always thought you'd be good with children." He said, smiling at me and I felt my heart break. What had I done to him? What had I done to make his hyper, addictive nature to disappear? How could I destroy such a beautiful creature? A tear slipped down my face and I covered my eyes with my hand. "Yuki?" Shuichi asked, seeing the sudden change in my demeanor.

"What have I done to you?" I whispered in a choked voice. "Shuichi! What have I done to you?" I yelled at him, more tears trailing down my face as I slid to the ground. I took in a shaky breath, blinking to keep the tears back, but inside I was breaking…I killed him…I killed everything that was _him._

"Yuki, don't do this to me." He whispered and I looked up to find him kneeling just in front of me. "Please…don't cry. You ask what you've done to me? Are you sure you want to know the answer?"

I was shaking so bad, I felt almost cold, but I covered my face again. "I already know…" I said softly. "I destroyed you…Everything that you were I destroyed."

He took my hands and interlaced out fingers. "You're right Yuki, you did destroy me, but you did more than that…you also saved me." I shook my head, denying it, but he wouldn't have that. "It's true Yuki! When I was in the hospital…I was dying and no matter what anyone did…I was still dying. I stopped talking, I _forgot_ people, I forgot my own life, but you…you I never forgot. Not truly." He settled between my spread legs and laid his head on my chest. "You saved me…if you hadn't come in, if you hadn't given me that book…Yuki I'd be dead."

I refused to cry again, but I couldn't speak either. If I had just been honest in the first place and hadn't been so set on keeping our relationship private, none of this would've happened. After my 'relationship' with Sakura had begun, I became ashamed of it I couldn't tell Shuichi about it so instead I locked myself away again. I wouldn't talk to him, wouldn't tell him anything and I drove him to self mutilation…

"Do you understand Yuki? I'll never be the same, I'll never be the hyper pink baka you once knew again, but neither will you…you'll never be the cold bastard I knew and loved. You'll be the new Yuki, the Yuki that spends time with kids and actually knows his neighbors and you'll be the Yuki who tells me his feelings and how he loves me."

"And you?" I asked in a quiet voice.

"And I?" He fell silent, his breath against my bare chest and his hair tickling my nipple. "That I don't know yet…I hope I'll be you're lover again, I hope I'll be stronger, I hope I'll be wiser and I hope I'll be happy again."

"That's all I want." I whispered to him, "All I want is for you to be happy and if I have to give you up for that…I-I will. If being happy means being with me, then I'll gladly accept it, but if being happy means being with someone else…I'll…step back." I finally said. "But I'll always love you."

Dhampir  
Page 9  
2/27/05

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Well, I don't have any questions to answer so...thanks for all the reviews! I know this chapter isn't as long as the last, but I wanted to show just how much Yuki has changed from before. Actually...I started writing the next chapter as this chapter and I was suddenly struck with Yuki fell asleep at Shuichi's apartment and he had to wake up there! So...I decided to do this instead. 

On another note, sorry it took so long, I was trying to figure out how to make a make-out scene more sweet than passionate and I got sick AGAIN and had to catch up on my other fics...so I'm very sorry for the wait.

Dhampir


	5. Of Fireflies And Cuts

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** Please read _Cutting Through It All_ before reading this story, this is the sequel and the characters will be **very** OOC unless you have read the prequel first.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Five_

Pulling into the almost empty parking lot, I looked over at my boyfriend and smiled.

Boyfriend. Just one word and yet…it meant so much. Someone I love and want, someone I want to see happy and smiling and someone who is special to me, but do not sleep with. It was so odd to me, I've had one night stands, lovers and quick fucks, but never had I had a boyfriend, nor a girlfriend.

Violet eyes looked curiously at me, glinting in the growing dark. "Yuki? Why are we here?" He asked, looking at the park.

"I thought you liked the park." I said getting out.

Shuichi quickly followed and we began strolling through the quiet park most of the people already home except for seven or eight couples.

I took Shuichi's hand in mine and gave him a small squeeze, smiling down at him. "How do you feel?" I asked. After our little make out session, Shuichi had withdrawn from me and in the past two months we had barely kissed. I was afraid what had scared him to go _this_ slowly and I worried it was because of me…The new cuts on his arms hadn't slipped my gaze either.

I feared for him, I was terrified he'd cut himself too deep again and this time I'd be too late. And he wouldn't let me in…just like I had done to him a year ago, and it hurt me to see him like this. He even refused to spend the night at my apartment when we had stayed up talking to two in the morning, even when I offered to sleep on the couch.

"I'm…okay." He whispered.

"Shu, tell me. Please?" I asked, looking down at him.

He looked down at the paved sidewalk and moved closer to me, refusing to look up at me. We walked in silence for ten minutes before he spoke again. "I'm afraid." He finally said.

"Of what?" I asked, moving my arm to wrap around his shoulders, but yet still hold his hand.

"Of you getting tired of me." He answered after a pause.

"Why would I tire of you?"

"Because…I refuse to give you what you want."

"And what is it I want, Shu?" I coaxed.

"Sex." He whispered.

I sighed, "That isn't what I want."

He finally looked up at me, his eyes wide with surprise. "No?"

"What I want is a relationship with you, a real relationship where I live with you and I sleep with you and yes, sex, but I want to love you, not fuck you.

He let out a sigh of relief and wrapped his free arm around my waist, "I want that too."

I wanted to ask if that was why he was cutting again, but knew if I asked that question he wouldn't open up anymore tonight. I sighed, there was so much I didn't understand about him and it was almost as if we switched places. Now I was the one saying 'I love you' every day and telling him how my day went and how I felt and now he was the one who refused to speak and tell me anything. Even after two months he had yet to tell me he loved me and now I understood just how much it hurt him when I wouldn't say it. Every time I said it and he wouldn't I wonder if he doesn't love me and if I'm going to never have his love again…I didn't know just how much I depended on those words.

Those words are what melted my heart, what changed me from the cold bastard I was to what I am now…well that and a bloody wake up call that I was killing my little lover. I love him, I love him to death and I wanted him to know just how much, but to not hear those words come from his lips was like a death all in its own.

Shaking my thoughts from my own problems, I looked up ahead and smiled, "Ice cream?"

He smiled back and nodded, "Strawberry?"

I snorted, already knew that was coming. "Sure Shu." I removed my arm from around him and headed towards the ice cream stand while he went to sit down on one of the benches. After paying an outrageous amount for ice cream, vanilla for me and of course strawberry for him, I joined him on the bench and handed him his.

"Thanks Yuki!" He chirped almost like his old self and began licking at his ice cream cone.

Oh shit. This is going to be torture…I tried to stay focused on my ice cream, but my eyes kept straying. That pink tongue darting out to taste the cool ice cream and then disappearing inside to melt it inside that hot, tight…wet…oh God… He looked over at me and gave me a small smile before resting his head on my shoulder and returning to licking his ice cream.

Just because I couldn't see his tongue anymore, didn't mean the mental images of him had left my mind yet. I wrapped my arm around his waist and lightly began running my fingers up and down his side. "Good?" I asked in a slightly strained voice. Okay, so his tongue had a larger affect on my anatomy than I had first thought…

"Uh-huh." He said, nodding his head and snuggling closer. His body was so warm next to mine, fitting so well against my side, and I was aware of everything he did from the slightest shift to the rising and falling of his chest. I stared down at my small pink haired baka and forgot everything around me until he said, "Yuki, you're ice cream's melting."

I looked down at the white liquid running down my fingers, "Shit!" I said, dropping the ice cream cone in the process and added, "Damn it!" Yet Shuichi just laughed at me while I glared at my ruined cone lying on the ground. I hadn't even tried it! Though that isn't completely my fault…Snorting, I turned to my boyfriend and stared, whatever I was about to say forgotten.

He looked so alive laughing and smiling at me that my own annoyance was forgotten. I sighed and gave him a soft smile as he once more attacked his ice cream. I shook my head and looked up at the night sky. The sun had set and now it was just the two of us sitting in the dark part with the occasional couple strolling passed us. The night air wasn't cold, but more of a warm spring night, perfect to just sit and have ice cream.

Looking down once more, he turned upward to smile at me, a dribble of ice cream trailing down the side of his mouth. My eyes followed the pink ice cream trail and it became too tempting for me to ignore that I leaned towards him. Shuichi frowned and slightly leaned back. "Yuki?" I ignored him and sensually licked the ice cream off the side of his mouth, making him gasp.

"You had some right there." I said huskily, looking into his eyes. Slowly I traced his lips with one finger, smearing vanilla ice cream onto his lips and grinned. "And right there." I whispered before capturing his lips in mine. I flicked my tongue over his lips, tasting the vanilla, and asked for entrance.

He moaned and complied, letting my tongue taste the strawberry flavor in his mouth. The mixture of vanilla, strawberry and his own distinct taste was tantalizing and I moved closer, one hand settling on his thigh. Once we separated, he grinned at me and took my hand, giving one finger a slight lick. "Looks like you missed some too." He said before sticking two of my fingers into his mouth.

Fuck that was hot…watching my fingers disappear into his mouth and feeling his warm tongue lick at the white ice cream coating my fingers. I bit back a moan, but my cock couldn't hold back a twitch as I watched my fingers disappear deeper into his mouth, his tongue licking and lapping at them. He closed his eyes and moaned, slightly thrusting his fingers into his mouth and giving them a hard suck.

"Shuichi…" I whispered, trying to make him stop before I was too far gone. Fuck his tongue…oh…bad image, bad image, ba…_fuck _hot image… I watched as my fingers appeared again glistening with his saliva and clean of any ice cream. He interlaced our fingers and pulled me closer, practically on top of him. Our bodies were so close and he was almost completely lying down on the bench with me above him. I stared down into his vibrant eyes and leaned in for another kiss.

I slipped my tongue into his mouth and slid it against his, loving how it felt and wanting more. Damn, my erection was becoming unbearable and having my little lover so close to me was slow torture. I moved back slightly to nip at his lips and the smiled down at him as he licked his lips.

Shuichi slowly moved his legs onto the bench and I soon found myself laying between his spread legs, our chests touching, my arms planted beside his and our lips brushing. "I love you." He whispered to me, his eyes never leaving mine, and I felt my spirits lift with those three words.

"And I you." I responded, smiling down at him. Slowly I kissed him, taking the time to explore his mouth and he mine before nuzzling his neck. I began a series of soft kisses on his neck, tentatively licking and nipping at his flesh, and then moved back to his mouth. Our next kiss was more heated, more passionate and I couldn't stop the possessive growl coming from my throat as I bit at his lips hungrily. He was mine and no one else's, all mine.

It wasn't long before Shuichi was moaning into my mouth, his hands coming up to wrap around my neck and pull me all the more closer. Carefully I rolled my hips, trying to alleviate my growing erection, and listened to his pleasure filled moan as his own erection was rubbed between the fabric. I rolled my hips again, this time a little harder, and Shuichi gasped, his eyes rolling back in pleasure as his hands tightened around my neck.

My hands moved to his shirt and I slowly unbuttoned it, giving him enough time to push me away if he wanted to, and slid my hands onto his warm chest. My eyes glanced down at the forgotten strawberry ice cream melting on the pavement…when the hell had he dropped that? Why the hell does it matter? I returned my eyes to the matter at hand and smiled against his lips. I brushed his nipples with my fingertips making him gasp and moved my mouth to attack the side of his neck again, slowly moving down to his collarbone and nipping at the juncture. My fingers teased and traced his pert nipples, drawing moans and gasps from that beautiful voice, and I rolled my hips again, applying some pressure this time.

Loving the long moan I received that time, I ground our erections together, starting a slow lazy pace as I moved lower, my hands tickling his sides as my mouth descended upon his right nipple.

"Ugh! Yuki!" He whispered, slightly arching his back as I lapped and sucked at his nipple, coating it well with my saliva. I bit down, making him yelp in surprise and then lapped at the small teeth marks I had left, drawing a low groan from him. His hands tangled in my hair, pressing me closer and I smirked, looking up at him. His head was bent back, his mouth slightly open, his chest heaving with small, quick pants and his eyes closed in passion.

I moved to the other nipple, giving it the same treatment until I was certain it was red and slick with my saliva as the other was. I moved up to capture his lips again, rolling my hips a little harder and loving the friction it was causing. My cock was so hard right now and I could feel his, just as hard, pressing against mine. He thrust up as I rolled my hips and moaned louder, his fingers still tangled in my hair.

"Yuki, please!" He moaned as I ground harder against him, his body moving against the bench with each thrust. I nipped at his ear, my thrusting tempo speeding up and making him pant and moan faster. "Y-Yuki…" He whispered to me as my right hand trailed down his chest to play with the hem of his pants.

"Hmm?" I asked, nipping at his lips before kissing him again, thrusting my tongue into his mouth as my hand slipped inside his pants. I rubbed his cock through his boxers lightly, making him gasp and moan and thrust into my hand. With my hips thrusting down and my hand rubbing against him I could feel him reaching his climax quickly.

**:BLOW JOB SCENE:**

I wonder if this is the first time he's been touched like this in a year or if he found someone else for a little while…I hope not, I really do because that would rip me apart. Shuichi's mine, yes, yes, I know, I'm a possessive bastard, but I don't want anyone else except me touching Shuichi like I am now.

I drank down everything he gave and giving him a slight suck one last time, I let his limp cock slip out of my mouth. His fingers lost their strength and slipped from my hair slowly and he gave another moan. I looked up at his heaving chest, his closed eyes and flushed face and the sheen of perspiration covering his pale body.

I reached up and kissed him again, letting him taste himself in my mouth and smiled down at him. Yet when he opened his eyes instead of seeing a dazed, sleepy expression, I saw fear and panic. I slightly backed off, uncertain of what caused the change in his demeanor. "Shuichi?" I whispered to him when he began to shake some.

"I-I can't…" He whispered, his body shaking and tears beginning to trail down his face.

Cant? Can't do what? What's going through his mind? "Shuichi, what are you talking about?"

"Please Yuki, don't make me! Please!" He begged me, still trembling beneath me. Oh shit. Damn it, I just told him I wanted a relationship with him and not sex and what do I go and do? Make out with him on a park bench and suck him off. Shit, no wonder he's scared. He probably thinks everything I just told him was a lie so I could get into his pants.

I smiled softly down at him and brushed my knuckles across his cheek. "Shu, that hadn't even crossed my mind. I wanted to make you feel good, not myself." Slowly buttoning his shirt up and pulling his pants back up, I gathered him onto my lap and wrapped my arms around him. "I won't make you do anything. If you don't want to do this then we won't, okay?" I whispered to him, his face buried in my neck.

Shit, he really changed and all because of me. He's so insecure now, so uncertain and frightened. I rubbed his back as he continued to shake in my arms, I could feel him fingering his wrists and knew what was going through his mind. If he had a blade right now, I'm certain he'd add another twelve cuts to his arms…

"Sorry Yuki." He whispered to me after he stopped shaking. I still hadn't lost my erection…damn it. Even though we're having a serious moment here, having his body so close to mine wouldn't leave my hormones alone.

"It's fine Shu, nothing to apologize for." I smiled at him, kissing his forehead. "Ready to go?" He nodded against my neck and slowly slid off my lap. Right when I stood up, I pulled out my cigarettes and lit it up, taking a deep breath, loving the calming affect tobacco was having on my anatomy. Shuichi took my hand in his and together we walked through the dark park back towards my car with me chain smoking.

Even by the time we got to the car, I still had a partial hard on and was smoking my last cigarette. Thank God I had another pack in the car. Sliding into the driver's seat, I lit up another cigarette and turned the engine, watching as Shuichi buckled up, still slightly timid of our night make out.

"Weren't we supposed to be at your father's temple two hours ago Yuki?" He asked. Way to ruin the mood Shu-chan…just remind me that we're going to visit my father in Kyoto and face all that shit. The temple wasn't far from this park, only a five minute walk and an even shorter drive and hell, I could care less how late I was. The old man could wait out there all night if he wanted to, but I won't come any quicker. Oh… wrong choice of words…maybe I should pick up another pack of cigarettes before we arrive.

Ten minutes later, we arrived at my father's temple and were immediately greeted by Tatsuha. My little brother grinned at me as he hugged Shuichi and then led us inside, the old man already waiting for us.

"Be ready aniki." Tatsuha warned before we entered. "He's mad…he had a nice dinner planned and everything."

"Hn." Okay, so maybe I had changed a lot, but towards my father…barely at all. Entering the room, I quickly removed my shoes, sliding into slippers, and made my way towards my father. Oh shit, he really was angry, I could see the fire flickering behind his eyes as he stared at us. "Hello father." I said formally, bowing my head in respect.

"You're two and a half hours late." He said.

"Hai." I whispered, glancing over at Shuichi who was standing beside Tatsuha. "I stopped by the park to show Shuichi."

My father's eyes immediately left me and settled on Shuichi who cringed beneath his glare. Well…that's where I got my glare from… "The cross dresser." He said flatly.

"My boyfriend, Shindou Shuichi." I responded, trying to keep the bitterness out of my voice. He disrespected Shuichi and me with that statement and I was not one who took well to disrespect…not anymore.

He looked at me again, his eyes meeting mine unwavering, and closed his eyes. "There is much for us to discuss, but later. Your room is the same Eiri, I will take it that Shindou-san is sleeping with you."

I looked over at my boyfriend, "Shuichi?"

He looked at me, fear and hurt showing in his eyes, and shook his head. "No… I-I'm not sleeping with him."

So then what I had thought was true. He can't stand to even sleep in the same room as me…I gave him a small smile to cover my own hurt and looked back at my father. "I will set up the room across from mine." I said and then left the dojo, walking towards my room. My father didn't say anything else, thankfully, and Tatsuha and Shuichi followed behind me, no one speaking.

Silently I set up Shuichi's room while he stood by the door rubbing his arm and looking down. Once I had settled that, I turned to him and sighed. He was so cute standing there, the light reflecting off his violet eyes hidden behind pink bangs and his pale skin tinged with a natural blush coloring his cheeks.

I approached him, making him look up with mild surprise, and I reached out to cup his cheek. "Will you be okay?" I asked quietly, watching as he gave me a small nod, yet he refused to look directly at me. Softly smiling at him, I kissed the top of his head and then walked over to my room. I didn't know what to do. I wanted to take him in my arms and hold him tight all night, but looking at him it seemed as if he didn't even want me to touch him. Yet he looked so…fragile, so uncertain, that walking away was all I could do to keep me from scooping him into my arms and cradling him to my chest.

Undressing, I moved to my bed and laid down, pulling the covers over me. I wanted so much to have m beside me once more. The past year had felt so empty, so different without the pink haired baka asleep next to me and I wanted that back. Damn it, I wanted everything back! I didn't want to see him cutting his arms, I didn't want to see the scars I caused, I didn't want to see him unhappy and depressed and uncertain and everything he never was!

Sighing, I turned over and sought sleep. At least he was here with me…

**:-:-:-:-:**

A small whimper awoke me from my restless sleep and slowly I sat up, blinking the sleep out of my eyes. Looking around the room I didn't see anything that awoke and started to lie down again. Yet a small sob caught my attention and I quickly stood up, opening my door and looking into the hall.

Padding across to Shuichi's room, I opened the door slowly, saying quietly, "Shu?" In the darkness I couldn't see my little lover, but I could hear the quiet crying from within.

I turned on the light and froze. Shuichi, my pink haired baka, sat on his bed with bloody arms wrapped around himself and tears trickling down his face. "Shuichi!" I whispered as I quickly fell beside him, gathering his small body into my arms. "Baby, why'd you do this?" I asked rocking him back and forth as he continued to cry. I rubbed his back, setting my chin on his head, and tried to sooth him. Damn…I took a shaky breath myself and thanked God I heard him.

After a couple minutes, I pulled him away and wiped away his tears with my thumbs. I then took his hands in mine and looked at his arms, seven new cuts from what I could tell along with the fourteen others he had already inflicted upon himself. "Why Shuichi?" I asked, "Because of what happened in the park?"

He shook his head, refusing to meet my gaze.

"Then why love?"

He sniffed and buried his face into my chest. "Because you're mad at me."

"I'm not mad at you." I said truthfully, shifting him on my lap. "I was never mad at you."

"But you…" he paused as a sob escaped, "you didn't kiss me."

Okay, I was now utterly confused. I wrapped my arms around him and rubbed his back again. "Baby, what are you talking about?"

"You w-were mad because I wouldn't sleep with you a-and you didn't kiss me…" He whispered, his arms wrapping around my waist.

"Oh Shu-chan." I sighed. Seven cuts over a misunderstanding. "I thought you didn't want me to kiss you love." I brushed back his bangs and tilted his head up, "I'll kiss you as much as you want, promise."

He looked at me closely, his eyes searching for something unknown again, before quietly saying, "Kiss me?"

I smiled and softly kissed him, opening my mouth to him and letting his tongue in. Once we parted, he nuzzled my neck and moved closer to me. "Love you." I whispered just loud enough for him to hear as I set my cheek on his head.

"Hey, is everything okay?" My brother called before Shuichi could respond. "I heard someone talking and saw the lights on and—Holy shit! Where'd all this blood come from?" He asked, pointing at the drops, smears and puddles of blood on the bed and floor.

Shuichi tensed in my arms and I tightened my hold on him. "_Tatsuha._" I warned, glaring at him.

"But aniki—"

"It's under control. Just go back to your room and not a _word_ to father."

"Is Shui—"

"Go!" I ordered and the door shut immediately.

After a moment of silence, Shuichi relaxed and whispered, "Sorry Yuki."

"Hush." I cooed "There's nothing to be sorry for, but I wish you wouldn't do this love." Rubbing his back, I knew the new cuts had to be cleaned, but I didn't want to touch them yet.

"But it makes me feel better." He said.

I remained silent for a couple minutes, not thinking, but just holding him and finally said, "Why don't we get you cleaned up?" He nodded silently and I wrapped my arms under his thighs as I stood.

Quickly wrapping his bloody hands around my neck, he clung to me, whispering, "I can walk."

"But I want to carry you." I answered, opening the door. Wrapping his arms around my waist, he hid his face in my neck and moved closer.

Tatsuha stood by his room, watching us silently, and I mouthed to him to not say a word. He nodded, his eyes full of sorrow and concern, and disappeared back into his room without a sound.

Closing the bathroom door behind me, I set him down on the toilet before retrieving the first aid kit from beneath the sink. Tatsuha and I were always getting cut and scratched playing—or fighting—and so a first aid kit was always available.

Silently, I wetted a piece of cloth and began wiping the blood away, my heart breaking with every cut I saw. I had counted wrong; there were nine, but only on his left forearm. "Baby…" I whispered once his arms were clean and looked up at him.

He was biting his lip and looking down at me with uncertainty. "Kiss me?" He asked in an almost inaudible voice.

I smiled and leaned up, softly kissing him. "Of course." I muttered against his lips before kissing him again. I slipped my tongue into his mouth and brought my hand up to smooth back his hair. He surged up to meet me and I was surprised to find his tongue battling mine for dominance.

I won, of course, but we both broke away panting. I smiled at him and gave him another soft kiss before wrapping his entire forearm in gauze. Once I finished I took his hands in mine and kissed them. "Feel better?"

He nodded and gave me a small smile. He stood up before I could pick him up again and walked out with me trailing behind. He stopped suddenly when he reached his room and shivered at the bloody mess inside. "C-can I sleep with you Yuki?" He asked in a hushed voice.

Not 'in your room', not 'next to you', but 'with you'. Damn, I hope I'm not interpreting this wrong… "Sure, Shu-chan." I said, "I'll clean this up, you go rest, okay?"

"No, I'll clean it up." He said, but I stopped him.

"Rest love, I'll be right there. Okay?"

He sighed, nodding reluctantly, and disappeared into my room. I quickly grabbed a bucket of water and a rag and set to cleaning the floor. I opened the door to his room and looked at the bloody floor. From the looks of it, he had moved around the room and at one point gripped his bleeding arm before smearing it across the floor. I wondered why he smeared it across the floor, but that just didn't sound like him…most likely he had somehow bloodied his right hand and then knelt down on the floor, placing both hands on the floor and making smudged handprints of blood. Whatever the reasons for it, I followed the bloody trail of drops, smears and small puddles of blood to the bed where I finally stripped the red stained linens. I quickly made the bed again and retreated to the bathroom to wash the blood off my hands, face and neck.

Entering the room, I silently discarded my bloody shirt and picked up another before turning to Shuichi. While cleaning his room, I kept wondering what 'can I sleep with you?' meant. Did he mean for me to sleep on another bed? Or did he mean for me to sleep next to him in silent, slow torture throughout the night? Or did he really mean_ with_ him? Damn…did I want the last way.

As I turned to look at my beautiful baka, I found no matter what he said there would be no way I could sleep without him. Sitting on my bed with his knees pulled up to his chin and his hands wrapped around his legs, he looked up at me with haunted eyes full of pain, fear and hesitation. Those beautiful violet eyes so deep and drawing to his pale skin…His skin never used to be this pale, oh not as pale as me, but compared to his tanned skin from two years ago…he was deathly pale.

"Hold me." He said, those eyes focusing on mine and pleading silently as he whispered, "Please?"

I nodded and slipped into the bed beside him, turning so I could wrap my arms around him. He turned his head to rest on my shoulder and I felt the silent tears soak my shirt. "Shuichi?" I whispered, trying to look at his face. What was wrong?

"How…how can you love someone like me?" He asked. Ah…here come the water works. He was crying again, not sobbing—thankfully—but still crying.

"How could I not?"

"But look at me! I'm weak, I'm a mess, I injure myself and…and…" He wrapped his arms around my waist and cried harder.

I sighed, leaning back, and moved him to lie on top of me. "You're not weak love, and you're not a mess, okay?" I said, rubbing his back lightly as my other arm wrapped around his waist, "Baby, I love you and nothing will ever change that."

"You don't mind my cutting?" He asked between hiccups.

"Of course I mind it!" I said, kissing his temple, "I don't like you hurting yourself like this love."

He hid his face and said into my shirt, "But it makes me feel better later…it makes everything seem more endurable afterwards."

Closing my eyes, I held him tight to my chest, trying to keep my own emotions at bay. Why did he talk like this? How could putting a blade to your arm make anyone feel better? I couldn't understand it! How was this helping him? Was being with me really so hard that he had to cut himself to not commit suicide?

That night…I still wondered if he had meant it as a suicide attempt. I never asked and he never offered, but it was always on my mind. Neither of us talking about that night…it was just too painful for both of us, but it was always a chasm between us…

Looking down at a mop of pink hair, I placed my cheek on his head and closed my eyes. "Don't cry love. I'm not mad—I never was mad—but I'm…worried about you. I don't…_like_ this."

He didn't respond, but his crying lessened as held tightly to body. Straddling my waist, he wrapped his arms around my neck and laid flat against my chest, his legs stretched out by mine and his head resting at the juncture between my neck and shoulder. So I held him and spoke softly to him while he cried, doing all I could to lessen his pain and fear. I couldn't tell you what I said that night, I doubt any of it really made much sense, but with every passing minute I could feel the tension leave his body and his tears slow.

Two hours later his breathing finally slowed to a restful slumber and his muscles relaxed while his tears finally stopped. I could hear his soft breathing and knew he was finally asleep.

Holding him close, I sighed and brushed my fingers through his hair. Though I loved the feel of his lithe body on top of mine, I hope we don't go through this every night.

**:-:-:-:-:  
**

The doors opened loudly and my eyes immediately trained on the silhouette of my father standing in the doorway. The bright light of morning straying in from behind him blinded me momentarily, but it was enough time for him to cross his arms and stare at me in bed…no…not me, but _us._ Oh shit.

"I thought he wasn't going to sleep with you." He said, his eyes never leaving Shuichi's still sleeping form lying on my chest.

"Something came up." I said lowly, my voice betraying my anger.

"Don't take that tone with me, I'm your father." He growled.

I clamped down on the retort forming on my tongue and bowed my head slightly, "Forgive me father, I meant no disrespect." Sure I didn't.

"Sure you didn't."

Well…we are father and son. "I was up late last night—"

"Fucking him?"

I narrowed my eyes, was he deliberately trying to get a rise out of me? "No," I growled, "consoling him."

"By fucking him."

What the hell? I guess I wasn't the only one who had changed…I don't think I've ever heard my father use such foul language around me before. Biting my tongue, I took a breath and said, "I have remained celibate for the past year and a half father."

I watched as his eyes slightly widened and his mouth opened to say something, but he quickly closed it and stormed away. Why was he so angry? Something must've happened for him to be like this…He knew about Shuichi from before…yes, he had only met him once, but he wasn't like this! Damn it, what happened?

I shook Shuichi lightly and smiled as his eyes opened sleepily. "Yuki?" He yawned, reaching up to rub one eye as he stretched his body slowly. He gave a low moan and then smiled down at me. "Morning."

"Morning love." I said, leaning up to kiss him and he obliged, bringing me into a deep kiss.

He slowly slid off of me and then giving me a sheepish smile, padded across the hall to dress for the day. I groaned, feeling his body quiver against mine as he stretched and that heated kiss got me somewhat hard and now I was going to be uncomfortable… Okay, think of something gross…Cabbage…it's gone.

I took a shower, dressed and moved to the dining room to eat. We were here with my father for three days…would we survive? Sure. Would my father survive it? Well, that was yet to be decided. Kneeling before the traditional Japanese table, I settled onto the pillow beside Shuichi and stared across at my brother, my father beside me at the head.

Traditional. Everything was traditional, from the plates we used to the meals we ate, every fucking day was traditional at the Buddhist temple. Sighing, I picked up the small cup of tea with both hands and took sip, letting the warm aroma fill me. Oh, I missed this, the tea Tatsuha made was wonderful…Mother had shown him when we were younger how to make this tea and he made it for me every time I came home.

I remained quiet, listening with one ear as Tatsuha and Shuichi talked about his work and, of course, Ryuichi. I kept my eyes trained on the wall ahead of me, but stole glances at my father as he stared at Shuichi, not even covering the smoldering hate in those eyes. Why the fuck was he so mad damn it? Oh, he always yelled at us and was serious, but he was never hateful towards someone…

**:-:-:-:-:**

I knelt down, dressed in the normal monk clothing, and stared at the golden statue of Buddha before me, my father praying with his head bent low. Incense wafted through the dojo, billowing before the statue and disappearing out the windows. I could see the statue had just been cleaned—most likely by Tatsuha—and offered my own silent prayer to the dead as I sat to the right of my father, two lengths behind him.

My father ended his prayer, slowly straightening his back, and turned to me, his dark eyes searching my blank ones. "Come here son." He said and I stood up, walked four steps and knelt down again, a foot between us.

"Tell me." I ordered, my eyes never leaving his.

"Your mother and I wanted children, lots of them, and we had you three. Mika married and we'd been expecting a child for years and none have been produced." He said, I know where this is going… "You were to marry Ayaka and have ruined that plan when you met this…_boy_. Ayaka's family wants compensation for having the betrothal broken Eiri, and for ruining their daughter."

"I have not touched Ayaka." I said, surprising myself at how emotionless my voice sounded.

"Not physically, no, but when you broke the betrothal, people wondered why and they cannot betroth her again because no one knows why you have turned away a pretty girl like that. For that fact, neither can I."

"I did not love her."

His eyes narrowed, "And you love that cross-dressing whore?"

My hands fisted angrily, gripping my robes tightly, "He is not a whore." I growled. "And yes I love him."

"He's not a whore? Then what is he?"

"He's my boyfriend."

"You gave up a beautiful woman who can cook and take care of you for a sniveling child that can barely take care of himself!" He roared.

"Maybe I like taking care of him!"

"How _dare_ you raise your voice to me!"

I bit my tongue, hard, and reined my temper. "Why the hell are you so upset about some girl I didn't want? I will pay the compensation or whatever the hell they want, so what is it?"

"There will be no grandchildren." He sighed, his temper cooling slightly. "You and that—"

"His name is Shuichi." I interrupted.

He paused, "You and…Shuichi have corrupted Tatsuha as well and he has decided he wishes to sleep with men as well instead of taking a hearty woman and producing heirs."

"Is that all you want? For me to fuck some woman, impregnate her and give you a child?" I hissed, not able to keep the disgust of sounding like some stud up for sale out of my voice.

"Of course not, I wish for your happiness as well."

"Then leave me with Shuichi because I'm happy."

His eyes raked over my weary body and then met with mine again. "You don't look it."

"I'm tired, not depressed, and now I'm angry."

"You have three days Eiri, three days to prove to me you have not made a mistake by taking this boy."

Knowing I was dismissed, I stood slowly and walked to the door, but I paused as I slid the door open, turning to look at him. "I have nothing to prove to you father." I said as he turned back to pray. I saw him stiffen, but I didn't wait to see what he would say or even if he would look at me again. Closing the door, I unclenched my fists and sighed, damn him! He can think I've made the worst mistake in my life for all I care, I'm not giving Shuichi up again.

**:-:-:-:-:**

I looked out the window at the night sky, Shuichi was back in his room and I was alone in mine. The night air blew through my hair and I let out a soft sigh, turning over to look at the door. One day gone and two to go.

Restlessly rolling over again, I twisted about on my bed uncomfortably and raked my hand through my hair. This had been going on for the past three hours and I wasn't getting any closer to sleep. Staring out at the night sky again, I tried looking at the stars and finding the constellations and counting them, but still I was restless.

Finally growling in frustration, I stood up and walked to Shuichi's room, peeking inside to see him sleeping. No sleep tonight…I keep wondering where he found a blade and where the hell he put it! I've searched his room and the surrounding rooms, but I can't find a single blade damn it! Tatsuha told me he had thrown them all out before we had arrived and yet Shuichi had somehow gotten a hold of one.

Slowly closing his door again, I turned back to my room. This was going to be the death of me. I haven't slept at all and I couldn't work today…everything sucked. Shuichi remained stand offish of me, staying near Tatsuha for most of the day, and then quickly kissed me goodnight before disappearing into his room. What the hell was wrong with him now? Damn that brat can be so…ugh, there are too many words to describe him.

Turning away from my room, I walked through the halls, just walking and watching. This is where I grew up and yet…there was nothing. No attachment, no feeling about this place, and I couldn't wait to leave. My father and I never have gotten along well, he is the reason I have come to hate Japan, but then…Shuichi is the reason I have come to love it as well because he loves it.

I hate love.

The concept is so…vague, so confusing, and I hate it because I can't understand it. I can't understand how someone like Shuichi can love me, a screw up and insensitive bastard…though I guess not anymore…I hope. But love…I am a romance novelist, I have written hundreds of stories about love and chivalry and yet I have no idea of those concepts. What is love? Oh, there are hundreds of poems, hundreds of stories, books, shows and songs and yet…to explain it proves impossible.

I have always thought what I felt for Shuichi was a fondness, a liking of sorts, but never had I thought I actually _loved_ him. No, because I don't love anyone, that is me, but then he almost died and I felt as if I had died with him. I would have rather given up my life than see him suffer as he did, I would've given up the small happiness he gave me just to see him smile again…is this love? To put someone before yourself and never hesitate? To be so committed to a person you would die for them in a heartbeat? Is this love?

Stepping out into the garden, I could not answer my own question. I sighed and settled to watch the fireflies in the twilight. I looked over at the old bench and saw my seven year old self watching the fireflies as I was, staring with wide eyes full of wonder and innocence as the fireflies lit up the bountiful garden. My eyes used to look like that… before Kitazawa…Shuichi's eyes used to look like that too before me.

Maybe it would've been better if I just let him go…but I couldn't—I can't—I love him…I'm selfish. I want him, I don't want to see him with someone else or living with someone other than me. I don't want anyone else touching him, loving him, even if they could love him better than myself…He could be happy with someone else though and I want to see him happy, I had just hoped he could be happy with me…But he cut himself because of me, seven times, he started cutting because of me and he's still cutting because of me. How can I be good for him then? I'm destroying him!

"Yuki?" A small voice asked and I looked over my shoulder at Shuichi standing by the door. "What are you doing out here?"

"Thinking." I sighed, turning to look at the fireflies once more.

I heard his quiet steps come towards, so unlike his old self, and was surprised when he linked our arms. "Fireflies. I used to watch them every summer for hours." He whispered, "They are so small and have just a flicker of light, yet when there is help from others…they can light up an entire garden."

I narrowed my eyes, was he saying for us to help each other?

"Look," he said, moving to capture one. "It's alone and the light almost acts as if it's dying, getting dimmer and dimmer until there's nothing left." He looked up at me with bright violet eyes before moving to capture another. "But now there is a pair and together neither of them is dying."

"How do you know that?" I asked quietly, my eyes never leaving his lithe form before me. Dressed in just his night clothes and barefoot, he smiled at me and tilted his head slightly before turning away and releasing the two fireflies.

"Because they belong together." He answered, turning back to look at me, his eyes closed in a happy smile.

I slowly moved towards him and caressed his cheek softly. "Do we belong together Shuichi?" I asked, staring down at his soft face, so pale in the moonlight.

He bit his lip, his eyes dropping to look at his bare feet. "I hope so." He said, his voice barely above a whisper.

Pulling him into my arms, I held him tightly, just basking in the heat of his body and the feel of the smaller form in my arms. I sighed into his hair and felt his small arms wrap around my waist as he nuzzled my chest. No words were needed to convey what both of us were feeling and for once I was content to just stand there with him in silence.

**:-:-:-:-:**

Last day, just one more day and we can leave. Why the hell did we come here in the first place? Oh yeah, Tatsuha called and begged me to come up with Shuichi so we could see some thing he made, which apparently was 'lost' the moment we got there. Lost, and he won't even say what it is, but because of him, I'm kneeling before a table with Shuichi on my right, Tatsuha on my left and my father across from me. Oh, I forgot to mention Mika and Tohma next to my father, Ryuichi next to Tatsuha, Ayaka on the other side of my father and her parents. Joy.

I could already see the shit hitting the fan and dinner hadn't even started yet. I hadn't even fucking known! Shuichi and I had gone out walking, I showed him where I used to play and where my first cat was buried, I showed him the stream in the woods and we had lunch there on a rock while just talking about the scenery and such and then he fell asleep. We stayed out all day and when we had returned, my father called us for supper without a single word.

I think my face displayed my annoyance and displeasure at seeing them because Ayaka flinched and Ryuichi looked away, but I could give a fuck about what they thought. With my lips pressed tightly together I led Shuichi to the table and sat down beside Tatsuha, glaring at my father who was acting as if nothing was wrong.

So here we all are. Sitting around, no one speaking a word and me glaring at everyone except Shuichi, who may I add, looked as if he was about to have a mental breakdown. If anything happens to him, my father is dead, I've killed before and I hold no love for the old man, just the smallest respect—which is quickly disappearing.

Slipping my hand beneath the table, I intertwined our fingers and gave Shuichi's trembling hand a small squeeze. He looked up at me with those intense violet eyes and gave me the tiniest smile before looking back down at his empty plate.

I looked around the table again and met Tohma's gaze head on until he looked away. I did the same to every person who dared look at me and finally looked at my father. "Are we going to eat or not?" I asked after a long, dead silence had passed.

He glared back at me, but quickly said a prayer and Mika and Ayaka stood to serve us. I hate traditional dinners. Once everyone was seated once more, I released Shuichi's hand and set into eating my dinner, hopefully in silence, but of course, someone just _had_ to interrupt.

"How have you been Shuichi? Are your therapy sessions helping with your little problem?" Mika asked and my boyfriend dropped his chopsticks.

His mouth slightly opened before closing again. He picked up the chopsticks again and chewed on his bottom lip before answering in a small voice. "It's helping."

"Tatsuha had told me you had another…episode your first night here." She said sweetly, picking up a piece of chicken. Her eyes glinted behind her bangs as she watched my boyfriend.

I heard Shuichi's breath catch in his throat and he paled, his visible hand shaking while the other gripped the ground. I glared at her and said sharply, "That is enough."

Tohma smiled, "Eiri-san is quite right Mika, this is no place to discuss Shindou-san's cutting problem."

Ayaka looked up, "Cutting problem?"

Oh, I was going to kill someone. Shuichi was fragile as it was without shit like this going around and Tohma…sly bastard. "My boyfriend's mental, physical and personal health is our business. It is not up for discussion at the dinner table nor is it up for discussion anywhere else." I said, leaving no room for objections.

Ayaka's mother…what the fuck's her name? Sora? I think that's right…she looked like she was about to scream when I said 'boyfriend' and I watched as she looked from me to Shuichi and then back to me. "B-boyfriend?" She asked.

"Boyfriend." I said, looking down at Shuichi and smiling softly. He turned to look at me and I moved a stray hair back behind his ear before tracing his jaw.

Ayaka's father was next and I could care less about his name. Slamming his chopsticks on the table, the black haired man turned to face me. "You broke our betrothal to date some boy?" He asked, enraged. "Ayaka was crying for weeks after you betrayed her like this and you dishonored your family by taking some…some _child_."

"Dishonored my family?" I asked, my voice rising with anger. "Family? What fucking family? For the past three days all I've dealt with is this shit and I'm sick of it! I love him damn it and if no one can deal with that, then I'll just fucking leave right now!"

"Don't fight." A soft voice came, breaking the tension in the room. Shuichi looked up with hurt eyes. "Please don't fight!"

My anger vanished and I tilted his head up as I leaned down to kiss him. Fuck everyone else in the room, I needed to kiss him, let him know I meant what I said. I felt his hand wrap around my wrist, but not to pull it away, and he opened his mouth to my seeking tongue. My hand moved to cup his cheek as I deepened our kiss, sliding my tongue inside to mingle with his.

I heard him gasp into my mouth when I lightly bit down on his tongue and tentatively drew his tongue into my mouth, letting him explore it. My free hand moved up his knee and I shifted slightly to gain better access to his mouth. He moaned when my fingers brushed over his groin and his free hand settled on my chest.

Finally ending our kiss, I looked down at his closed eyes, his lips still puckered from our kiss and the small string of saliva attaching our lips. "I love you." I whispered to him and smirked when he just nodded and leaned into me. "And if I have to fight because these asses can't see that then I will." Wrapping an arm around his waist, I turned to look at everyone else.

Tatsuha grinned at me, Ryuichi suddenly closer to him while everyone else glared at us. Moving Shuichi closer to me, he settled his head on my shoulder and dinner started again, no one bringing up our relationship or Shuichi's problem again. Yet the glares directed at Shuichi bothered me. What the hell had my father thought to gain by inviting Ayaka and her parents here?

Dinner went quietly, light conversation filled the room varying subject to subject, from the temple to NG Records, but everyone made a point of avoiding the one subject on everyone's tongues. Us. Thankfully Tatsuha never had to go through being betrothed to someone and from how close those two were sitting, they were quite happy together. I even glimpsed their hands locked together when I leaned over to grab the rice.

Shuichi nuzzled my side and wrapped his free arm around my waist. I smiled down at him and fed him a piece of chicken before eating a piece myself. So that's how dinner went…me feeding Shuichi and myself and everyone staring at us as if we were crazy—except for Tatsuha and Ryuichi. This was going to be a long night…

**:-:-:-:-:**

Bouncing my knee up and down, I looked at Ayaka sitting next to me. "What the hell is going on?" I snarled at her and she flinched. She didn't deserve my anger, but my father separated Shuichi and me and I was livid. What the fuck was he planning?

My father entered with Ayaka's parents behind him and the three of them sat down before me. I looked at the three solemn faces and sighed, already knew what this was going to be about. Compensation. They wanted their damn compensation for 'ruining' their daughter.

After a minute of silence, my father let out a sigh. "Compensation is needed for breaking the betrothal between you two." He said, glaring at me. "Neither parents' can accept that you, Eiri, have broken the betrothal for a boy. Proper compensation has been discussed and decided. Six hundred yen," well that's not much, "as well as breaking your relationship with Shindou-san.

"Oh hell no!" I yelled, standing up. "I'm not breaking up with Shuichi."

"Either that or you will have to produce an heir with Ayaka, meaning you will have to marry her."

"Are you _deliberately_ trying to ruin my life father? I won't do either." I said dangerously low, my voice so cold I barely recognized it. "Compensation for the betrothal should be between Ayaka and I."

"I agree." Ayaka said in a quiet voice. "We both broke our betrothal and therefore compensation should be between us. A-also I am the one who pushed Shindou-san to pursue Eiri-kun father."

"You did?" Her father asked, surprised. "Why?"

"Because Shindou-san makes Eiri-kun happy and that's all I want." She said, blushing lightly. "I love Eiri-kun, but he doesn't love me, he loves Shindou-san and they should be together."

"This is not—" Her father started.

"_NO!_ It's a lie!" Shuichi screamed at the top of his lungs followed by a loud crash.

"Shuichi." I whispered before disappearing out the door. What happened? His voice was so distraught, so upset. What had they said to him? I entered the living room and looked from Tohma to Shuichi's sobbing form on the ground before I gathered my crying boyfriend into my arms. "Shuichi?" I whispered to him. "What's wrong love?"

"It's a lie, it's a lie, it's a lie. It's a lie, right?" He asked me, looking up at me with dead eyes. No, not those eyes. Not those expressionless, dead eyes that haunt my dreams every night…

"What's a lie love?" I crooned, rubbing his back. Both of his arms were wrapped around my waist, squeezing me to death, while his legs straddled my waist and his face wet with tears looked up at me.

"Seguchi-san s-said you were going to leave me again." He whispered, "That you don't really love me."

"I love you and I'm _not_ going anywhere." Directing the last part more towards the group gathering by the doorway than at my distraught boyfriend. "Come on baby, we're going home." I said, slowly standing up and cradling him in my arms. Why the hell did Tohma say that? Where the hell was Tatsuha? He should've been here with Shuichi! Why the hell did he leave him along with Tohma and Mika? He _knows_ how fragile he is. Damn it! Wasn't there anyone I could trust with him? He even went and told Mika about Shuichi's breakdown two days ago. I wasn't staying here another minute.

"Really?" He asked.

"Really." Turning around, I stormed passed them, pausing to glare at Tohma and then went to our rooms. Setting Shuichi on my bed, I quickly packed our things and grabbed him again. Swinging our bags over my one shoulder and wrapping my other arm around his shoulders, we started for the car. Not a single word was spoken as I put Shuichi in the car and threw our bags in the back. I leaned in and kissed him lightly. "I'll be right back baby." I said before walking emotionlessly back into the house.

Everyone stepped back when they saw my eyes, the eyes of a murderer and someone not to be crossed with. I looked at Ayaka's father and hissed, "Is this someone you want for your daughter? A murderer?"

"Murderer?" He asked, his eyes widening.

"I've got blood on my hands; do you want that for your daughter?" I took a step towards him, my eyes narrowed and cold, filled with killing intent.

"N-no." He said.

"Then compensation will be settled between Ayaka and me."

"Of course."

Turning around I rounded on Tohma. Without giving him a chance, I punched him in the face, making Mika gasp and the blonde stumble away, cupping his jaw. "You! What the fuck were you thinking when you said that to him?"

"I only want what's best for you." He said in that same, irritating cheerful tone.

"Then leave me with Shuichi because that's what's best for me." I growled. "I love him and I'm not leaving him. Do not make me choose between my best friend and my boyfriend Seguchi." My hand was still clenched in a fist. "You deserve worse than what I gave you, but Shuichi's waiting in the car and because of you, he's distraught and doubting me." Without another word, I spun on my heel and left the house again.

Sliding into the driver's seat, I turned on the car and tore out of the driveway. I wasn't coming back here for years, no way in hell. I was so pissed that I probably scared Shuichi with the way I drove. A three hour trip to Shuichi's house turned into an hour and a half and we were soon back at his apartment. Not a word was spoken, but we held hands and Shuichi laid his head on my shoulder, both of us needing the physical contact.

"Are you sure you'll be okay?" I asked, petting his hair. I didn't want to leave him alone if I didn't have to…but he nodded and pulled away.

Smiling up at me, he kissed me. "I'm okay. Thanks Yuki." He whispered before kissing me again, this time asking for entrance into my mouth. I opened without hesitance and let his tongue seek mine; watching as his eyes slid closed and he leaned into the kiss.

We parted and I watched as he slowly got out of the car, grabbing his bag from the back seat, and closed the door. His eyes were still so listless, though not dead as before, and I didn't want to leave him alone. I had this sinking feeling in my stomach if I left him something would happen. Sighing, I watched as he disappeared into the elevator and then into his apartment.

**:-:-:-:-:**

Sighing, I stepped into my apartment. Flicking on the lights, I dumped my keys onto the table beside the door, threw my jacket on the couch and retreated to the kitchen. I grabbed a bottle of water and leaned against the counter as I opened it. Taking a deep drink of water, I sighed, letting my head fall back.

Shuichi looked so…frail that I hadn't wanted to leave him, but he told me he was okay and so I left him and now I couldn't just help it was a mistake. How could he be okay after being hurt like that?

Groaning, I threw the empty bottle into the trash and walked to my room. I changed out of my pants and left to start a load of laundry for a moment. Coming back into my room, I pulled back the covers to my bed and slipped in. I ran a hand over my face and closed my eyes. I needed to sleep, I needed to work, but I knew both were going to be impossible…Yet even as I said that my eyes began to close. Barely any sleep for in two days, I was beat and I needed sleep. But Shuichi…

_Riiing.  
__Riiing._

You have got to be fucking kidding me.

_Riiing._

Damn phone…Opening my eyes I looked around my dark bedroom, groping for the phone. "Where the hell is it?"

_Riiing.  
__Riiing.  
Riing._

My fingers curled around the phone and pulled it towards me. I glanced at the clock and groaned. Fucking two in the morning and someone's calling me! Clicking the phone on, I flipped onto my back. "_What?_" I snapped, a hand lying across my eyes. Who ever was calling me at two in the fucking morning was dead, I just got to sleep three hours ago damn it!

Haggard breathing responded, I could hear the quiet sobs and immediately my heart clenched when the small voice came on. "Yuki?"

My eyes snapped open and I sat up in bed. "Shuichi, what's wrong?"

"I-I didn't mean to Yuki! I'm really sorry, I didn't mean to, I really didn't. B-but it just happened a-and I'm so sorry." He sobbed, babbling.

Already climbing out of bed and searching for a pair of pants, I held the phone to my ear with my shoulder. "Shuichi, what didn't you mean to do? Are you okay? What happened?"

"I didn't mean to! I really didn't Yuki…b-but it was just too much a-and then the blade wa-was in my hand a-and I'm really sorry Yuki."

Blade. The one word I needed to hear to know exactly what happened. "Shuichi, I'm on my way there," I said, forget a fucking shirt! "Don't go anywhere, I'll be there in five, okay?"

"Yuki?" His voice small and timid.

I grabbed my keys and slid on my shoes. "Yeah love?"

"I'm scared."

I closed my eyes briefly, "I'm coming Shuichi, okay? Can…Can you unlock the door?" I asked.

"It's unlocked." He whispered.

"I'm coming now." I said as I opened the door.

"Yuki?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

I closed my eyes against the tears. "I love you too." I didn't lock the door, I didn't even close it, I could care less about my things. Let someone steal them. Sliding into my car, there was only one thing I cared about. The phone was dead and I was alone to my own thoughts and nightmares.

Please, don't let me be too late.

Dhampir  
Page 20  
3/19/05

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Sorry about the long update! But as you can see...that's why! It was 20 (insert curse word) pages long! So, though it took me a while...this should make up for it, right? I was having trouble with this because I was trying to find out how to make it _shorter_ and it's just barely 20 pages, thankfully, but how I had it planned you all would be reading 30 or 40 pages...hehe. 

So, I'm sorry again, there aren't any questions for me to answer...so...I'm really tired I think I'll go to sleep now.

Oh! **Gravitation gig (2):** I'm guessing you two are the same person. Hehe, thanks for reviewing in my _Naruto_ story to get me to get this posted! Hehe, it was quite a surprise for me..sorry, but I update _Naruto_ more than this story because Yuki POV is a lot harder than my _Naruto_ story and it also came first...

On another note **THE PERSON WHO IM'D ME FRIDAY NIGHT, I DIDN'T MEAN TO SAY NO! I WAS TYPING AND BEFORE I COULD SEE IT...IT CANCELED ON ME.** So, just give me your screen name so I can add your sn to my buddy list.

Also, anyone who wants the blow job scene (which isn't very long at all) just AIM me at Dhampyr17 or e-mail me, that's in my profile.

Dhampir.


	6. Show Me?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** Please read the prequel _Cutting Through It All_. It will make this fic make more sense and the characters will be _very_ OOC if you do not know the background to the sequel. Thank you.  
**Warnings:** Major yaoi in this chapterwatch out. And I really mean it, it takes up more than half the chapter.

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**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Six_

Punching the gas, I shifted the car into fifth. I had to make it. I couldn't fail, not again. I couldn't let this happen again. Please, no. God, anyone, please, don't let this happen again. I couldn't live without him. I know that, I know it with every fiber of my body, just as I know that I love him with everything I am.  
_  
'—Blade—'_

One damn fucking word and yet that one word is my worst nightmare. I took a shuddering breath and tried to drive on the dark road, dodging cars, pedestrians and bikers, not stopping for any of them. Shuichi's life was at stake and if I had to run there I will damn it! I don't care if I crash and have a broken leg; I'm getting to my lover, no matter what. Downshifting, I slammed on the break the slide around a corner before bringing it back up to fifth gear.

Visions of that night came rushing back as I sped towards Shuichi's apartment. I tried to block them out, but they returned unheeded and painfully, just as vivid as they were that night.

—_**Flashback— **_

_Damn this day. Damn the press, damn my editor, damn Sakura and damn my fucking life. I sighed when I reached the door of our apartment, finally some time alone with my pink baka and time to explain things to him… Sakura was fucking getting out of control, what started as a damn front to get them out of my personal life has been fucking with my personal life. _

_I knew Shuichi wasn't dense enough to not hear about our 'relationship' and now it was even worse because today my own lust took over and I fucked her against some alley wall like a common whore. That's what she was, a high class whore, willing to sleep with anyone who would get her ahead in life. Damn, could this day get any worse?_

_Opening the door I immediately knew something was wrong…Shuichi should be home by now, it was a couple hours after his work let out and yet the normal 'Yuki!' wasn't there. Flicking on the lights, I frowned at the quiet apartment and took a hesitant step inside, looking around the room for my pink baka…but he wasn't there. "Shu?" I called, craning my neck to look for him. I bit my lip, my face clearly showing my worry and confusion and tried again. "Shuichi? Shuichi, where are you?" _

_No one answered, only silence. Maybe he left…did he finally get enough of my insults and cold demeanor that he left me? No! He couldn't have left me! He's never supposed to leave me. He's the only constant in my life, the one that keeps me grounded. I retreated to our room and looked around. No, all his things were here, I opened the closest, nothing was out of place and not a single thing was missing… Where? Where could he be? _

_The bathroom! I sprinted down the hall. Maybe he was there? Relaxing in the bath? I opened the doors and froze. Blood. So much blood. It was all over the floor, there were towels streaked with blood and the sink flecked with blood as was the mirror. Flecks of blood were all over the bathroom along with smears and droplets on the tile floor. I felt my heart clench and quickly retreated from the bathroom. Where is my baka? No, no, no…he can't be dead! Did someone come in here and hurt him? Where is he? Damn it! I can't live without him. Damn it! If I had just…come home when I was supposed to instead of getting caught up in Sakura's seductions none of this would've happened! Where is he?_

_I searched the living room again and yelled, "Shuichi!" The room was dim lit and I couldn't see him anywhere. Where was he? "God, Shu, where are you? Please, tell me where you are!" I begged him, my voice straining to stay calm._

_A weak, "Yu…ki…" called out to me and I just heard it. I stopped and searched for where that sound came. There, by the couch…I could just see the outline of my little lover. I fell beside him, fear overcoming me as I tried to see what was wrong. Reaching my hand out, I was surprised to see him flinch as I caressed his cheek and traced his eyes with my thumb lightly. _

_That's when I saw the blood on his hands. Carefully I pulled his hands away from his chest and stared down at the bloody mess of cuts down his arms. I couldn't stop the gasp escaping from my lips as I looked at cut after cut, scar after scar and wonder how I couldn't have noticed these… Seventeen cuts that were at least visible through the blood, but the two cuts that scared me the most were the two traveling from the inside of his elbow to his wrist. They still hadn't stopped bleeding yet. I carefully touched his arm, whispering, "Shu…what have you done?"_

_Snorting, he answered, "What have _I _done? Oh Yuki, you mean what have _you_ done. All this was because of you, because you ignored me, because you beat me, because you threw me out and because you cheated on me. How was I supposed to live with that knowledge? And yet I couldn't leave you, I couldn't live without you because I love you…so what else could I do?"_

_His voice was so small, so weak that it was barely a whisper, but I heard every word. Oh God no. No, I did this to him, I did this to the only person I ever cared about and all because I was ashamed? And ashamed of what? That I had a pop star for a lover? That I had an energetic teenager who brightened my days and made me smile when no one else could? I could feel the tears coming to my eyes and didn't try to stop them. How could I have been so cruel? "Shu, no, Shu I'm so sorry. I-I never meant…fuck." I muttered, as I tried to understand what exactly I had done and why._

_I loved him damn it! Yeah, I loved him so much I ignored him for months and fucked some other woman. Some woman who didn't mean a single thing to me and yet I fucked her like I used to before I met Shuichi. "I'm taking you to the hospital." I said, picking him up, damn, when did he get so light? He was never this light? When was the last time I kissed him? The last time he slept with me? The last time we made love? Was it even making love? No, when was the last time I fucked him? I never once showed him how much I cared and now my little lover was bleeding and so cold…He's dying…_

_My heart stopped. My love was dying! I didn't listen to his weak protests and quickly found a blanket, wrapping his cold body into it and holding him close. His face was so pale and gaunt, why the hell hadn't I noticed this before! Rushing out to the car, I didn't even think to lock the apartment door, who the hell cares about a damn apartment? He was so cold…how much blood had he lost? How long had he been sitting there? How long has this been going on? How long haven't I noticed? _

_I sped towards the hospital, watching my pink haired lover fading with every passing moment. "Stay awake Shu. Stay awake." I whispered to him, reaching over to guide his head to my shoulder and petting his hair. "Don't go to sleep. Just hang on."_

_"Why?" I heard him whisper._

_"Because…" I couldn't say the words, I couldn't say the damn words! My lover was dying and I couldn't say three fucking words! "Because, just hang on Shuichi. You just have to hang on…"_

_Pulling up the hospital, I carried him in, yelling for a fucking doctor to get over here and save him. Five people came running towards me, one with an IV, another with the stretcher, one nurse had the paperwork and the other two were doctors. "Help him!" I yelled, carefully laying him onto the stretcher and noticing he was no longer conscious. "No! Shuichi!" I said, the tears continuing to flow down my face._

_"Sir, do you know his blood type?" One doctor asked, already rushing him towards the back room to set up a blood transfusion. "Attempted suicide from the looks of it and a regular cutter…" He muttered to the other doctor._

_"He comes in here two or three times a week doctor." One nurse said. "I know who he is and we have all the paperwork on him. Blood type is A, age nineteen years, regular patient here treated for multiple cuts, starvation and infection." _

_I stood shocked, only picking up half the words. _"Comes here two or three times a week…treated…multiple cuts…starvation…ction."_ Starvation? Is that why he wouldn't eat around me? I thought he just wasn't eating around me! What have I done to you Shuichi? How could I do this to you?_

_I don't know how I ended up on the ground, but the next thing I knew I was, kneeling on the ground as I watched them wheel away my love. Would I ever see him again? Why had I never told him how much I loved him? How much he meant to me? Why had I taken Sakura as a fake girlfriend? Why had I fucked her? He knew, of course he knew! We were everywhere, on the news, on the radio, in the paper…how could he not have known? Did I honestly think he was that dense? _

_Why didn't I ever tell him 'I love you'? Why were those words so hard for me to say? Why did I treat him so horrible? Why did he stay? Why hadn't I noticed? Why didn't I pay more attention to him? Why did I have to be so wrapped up in my work? Why hadn't I listened to him when he came to my door that night, saying he was going somewhere? Was he going here again? Had he walked here because he had cut himself again? Why didn't I notice!_

_I finally broke and began sobbing there in the waiting room. Someone was shaking my shoulder, but I didn't want to hear it. I didn't want to hear that my lover was dead, that I had failed him…Please, anything but that…don't take him away from me! I love him damn it! I'll tell him it every day if he makes it through this! I'll never mistreat him again, I'll never ignore him or insult him ever again…just you have to make it through this Shuichi! Please!_

—_**End Flashback— **_

****

Pulling into the parking lot, I bolted from my car, the same mantra going through my head as it was a year ago that night. _Please! I love him, please, don't let me be too late! Please!_ I left my car running and the driver side door wide open, taking the stairs two at a time until I reached Shuichi's floor. Reaching his apartment, I slammed the door open, already yelling, "Shuichi!"

No one answered. It was quiet and I feared the worse. "Shuichi!" I yelled again, looking down at the phone laying on the ground, beeping, and the bloody handprints on the floor and receiver. "S-Shuichi…" I whispered, searching the room.

Quiet crying caught my attention and I followed it back to Shuichi's room, looking into the dim lit room and sighing with very little relief to have found my lover. Curled up against the wall, he had his face buried in his bloody hands and his arms wrapped around his naked chest. "Shuichi." I said, falling beside him and gathering him into my arms.

He curled into an even tighter ball and began crying harder, his face turning to bury itself into my chest. "Yuki. Yuki, Yuki, Yuki." He whispered over and over as I sat on the ground, rocking both of us back and forth.

I kissed his sweaty head and tightened my hands around him, needing to reassure myself that he really was there. "Shu…" I pulled him back so I could see his face and looked into those bleary, haunted violet eyes filled with tears, pain, sorrow and regret.

"I-I didn't mean to…"

I gathered him close again, "Hush, everything's okay now. I know you didn't mean to baby, its okay now, its okay. I'm here."

"I love you Yuki," he whispered, his voice weak and pained. "I've always loved you and I won't ever stop."

"Good, because I won't either." I said to him, tilting his tear streaked face upward so I could kiss him softly and tenderly. I heard him sigh with relief and try to snuggle closer, his sobs subsiding, but his tears increasing.

"Sorry Yuki…"

"Hush," I cooed, rubbing his back, "its okay baby. It's all right." Picking him up off the ground, I repositioned him on the edge of the bed, kneeling down before him so I could examine the damage.

He looked down at me, small sobs still shaking his small frame, and held out his arms, knowing I needed to see it. I kissed his fingertips when I saw the multiple cuts covering his arms and chest. I sighed and reached a hand up to caress the side of his face. Shuichi leaned into it, closing his eyes, and nuzzled my hand. "Yuki…"

Seven? No, nine…or was it twelve? I couldn't tell with all the blood, but the worst cuts seemed to be the ones on his chest, long, deep gashes going across his breast and down to his ribs. Then there was the one on his left forearm, snaking its way from one side to the other diagonally. I looked up at him and kissed him again, trying to reiterate my love for him through actions.

He sighed against my lips and let me inspect his cuts. Eleven of them. Standing up, I walked into the adjoining bathroom and looked under the sink. He had to have something somewhere and I was surprised, relieved and scared by how many bandages, disinfectants, gauze and swabs there were. I made certain I didn't pause once as I removed the items, knowing my boyfriend was watching my every move.

I returned to his side and set everything on the ground except for the wet washcloth I picked up from the towel rack. Already warmed from the water, I carefully applied it to his skin, washing away the blood slowly and memorizing every cut and scar I saw. When the dried and fresh blood was gone, I carefully blotted down the wounds with peroxide and then dabbed them dry. I was relieved when they didn't continue to bleed and gave him a small smile as he watched me silently.

Picking up the bandages, I slowly began to wrap his forearms, watching as the scars and cuts disappeared behind the white fabric. My fingers were deft and careful as they tucked the end of the bandages inside and moved up his arms to his shoulders. I slowly ran my hands down his chest, stopping to inspect the two on chest and deciding whether or not to wrap those as well.

Yet small hands moved to grasp mine and I looked up into violet eyes. "They're fine." He whispered, moving one hand hesitantly to brush back my blonde bangs.

I nodded and looked down, my eyes trying to stay off his beautiful, enticing, lithe body. He began stroking my hair, my hands falling to rest in his lap as my head followed. I sighed and remained where I was. "I didn't think I'd get here in time." I whispered to him. "I was afraid I'd be here too late…"

"I'm sorry Yuki."

I shook my head, "No, don't apologize." He was still crying, I could hear his silent sobs shake his body.

"Yuki…" He said, his voice so soft that I had to look up at him. Tears hit my face, "Show me you love me. Please? Make love to me?"

My breath caught. "Shuichi…" I started, I couldn't do that to him when he was like this. "Not like this baby."

"Why?"

"Because you're a wreck right now." I whispered to him. "No love, I won't take you when you're so upset."

He pulled me up, forcing me to look directly at him. "Please! Show me you love me Yuki! I need you to make love to me."

I wanted to deny him again. This wasn't how I planned our first second time together to be, but I could see it in his eyes. The uncertainty of if I really loved him or not and the need to be loved. He wanted to know if it were true or not and he needed this, just like I needed to know that he was here with me and not really dead.

I stood slowly, searching his eyes once more, and leaned towards him. With one hand caressing the side of his face, moving through his hair, I kissed him. Our lips touched and I felt the love swell inside of me as my tongue reached out to explore his. He opened his mouth slowly, hesitantly, and I could feel his surprise as I tenderly explored his mouth, mixing our tongues in a slow dance.

Slowly, I lifted one knee up to settle on the bed, my left arm balancing me while my right hand continued to caress the side of his face and my left leg remained on the floor. With Shuichi between my legs, I leaned closer and wrapped my right arm around his waist and lowered him back onto the bed. His arms remained by his sides as we continued the slow kiss, his eyes closed as his tongue rubbed against mine slowly. He sucked lightly on my tongue, drawing it back into his mouth, and then let his teeth slowly rake over my tongue.

I moved back and looked down at the pink haired man below me, his violet eyes staring up at me with anticipation. Yet I just continued to stare at him, my right hand coming up to trace the side of his face once more. "You're so beautiful." I whispered to him just before kissing him once more. A soft sigh escaped his lips as we parted, my legs rested on either side of his, most of my weight leaning on my left arm as my right hand stroked his cheek.

I ghosted kisses down his jaw and to the hollow of his throat where I paused to suck on the exposed flesh. He moaned at the feeling of my mouth on his throat and lifted his head to expose his neck even more. Carefully, I shifted my weight so I could bring up my left arm and let it slide under his neck, lifting his head up as I met his lips again. I wanted to take my time; I wanted to make love to him instead of having sex with him. I never knew there was a difference, not until this moment…

My hands ran down his warm flesh, feeling the rippling muscles beneath them, and then back up his sides as I ravished his mouth with slow, gentle movements. He moaned under my touch and hesitantly brought his arms up to settle on the small of my back, running them up and down lightly. My eyes closed slowly; damn did his hands feel good. I could feel the desire beginning to fill me as he continued his slow ministrations with his hands, ghosting my spine down to my ass and then back up again. How could the feeling of his fingers cause such desire?

I didn't muse over the question long when those hands slipped under the hem of my pants and ghosted over my ass. "Shu…" I muttered, my face buried in his hair as I let those hands wash over me. Shuichi was still between my legs and I brought one hand up to brush back pink bangs to look into his violet eyes. I bent down and kissed each eye, startling him with my soft movements, and slowly moved down to his pink lips again, drawing him into another slow, loving kiss.

My desire was different this time. All the times we've had sex—that _I've_ had sex—it's always been a raging torrent within me, wanting to escape and wanting to take and dominate over whoever it was…but this time…I couldn't understand it. My desire was there, just as strong—no stronger, but it was different than before, my desire wasn't sex anymore, my desire was _him._ I wanted him because I loved him, not because I wanted to fuck him. It was so different to me, so filling, so…right, how could I feel this way about someone? The desire was calling out to me, wanting me to show him how much I wanted him, how much I loved him and I found that I wanted that too…

I began exploring his body with my mouth and hands, tracing every muscle, every fiber of his being. I smiled down at him, kissing him softly, and then moved down, taking every inch of skin I could find into my mouth. I stopped at his nipples, taking one into my mouth and sucking on it. I felt him arch beneath me and heard him gasp as the wet heat surrounded him. Swirling my tongue about, I felt the small nub harden beneath my ministrations and bit down lightly around it before lapping at it, soothing it. He groaned beneath me, his hands coming up to bury into my hair, pulling me closer. His grip wasn't as strong as usual and I knew it was because of the wounds he inflicted upon himself, but I could care less about that. Even if his body was scarred and broken, I'd still love him because I love _him_ and not his body. How long had that taken me to understand? All these years I had thought I had a sort of affection for him and was attracted to his body and nothing else—how could I have been so wrong?

I moved to the other nipple, taking it into my mouth and swirling my tongue around it, feeling it harden beneath me. Shuichi moaned and arched his back, trying to let me closer to him, trying to keep me there. I lapped and sucked and bit and teased the nipple over and over, taking my time until I was certain I knew exactly what he liked.

His fingers were tangled in his hair and looking up, I saw his head back, his neck exposed, and his mouth open. He wanted it too, he wanted more and he wanted me. Desire filled me again when I saw how he too wanted this and not just myself and I couldn't help, but thrust lightly against him.

His own erection rubbed against mine and made both of us moan, but I didn't want to do that just yet. No, not yet. I wanted to show him how much I loved him, I wanted to make love to him just as he had asked. Slowly I moved down, I kissed his cuts carefully and gently, covering every inch of that scarred and wounded chest. He needed to know his scars didn't bother me physically or mentally, he needed to know that I still wanted him despite his cutting problem. I felt his eyes watching me and the intake of breath when I kissed his wounds and scars.

My hands rested on his sides, holding him as I moved to the second wound on his chest. I kissed the tip and moved downward, my tongue flicking out to soothe the wound. I then moved up to kiss the older scars, the small ones there, and then reached up quickly to kiss his mouth again. "I love you." I whispered against his lips. "Let me show you."

He nodded, his eyes uncertain of what I meant. I was the only person he had ever been with, he didn't know there was any other way to have sex than what we had done, but that wasn't what I wanted. No, I wanted to show him everything I knew even if I never used it before. I was new at this as well, but I knew what my body wanted and I followed, hoping together I could show him.

Moving down again, I stopped at his navel and dipped my tongue into the small hole, swirling it slightly and loving the way Shuichi writhed beneath me. I kissed him there and then sucked on his navel as my tongue continued to dip inside. My hands trailed down to his hips and teased the hem of his lounge pants, his erection pressing against my neck. At some point he had spread his legs and now I had one knee between them.

I moved down further and slowly began removing his lounge pants, careful to not tease his erection as I dragged the light fabric down his legs. I moved with the hem of his pants until I was at his feet where I finally let them drop to the ground. Looking at my love lying naked before me increased the longing I felt within me, oh it had been too long since his lithe body had graced my eyes, and it took all my might to stop the emotions within me from overpowering me.

My eyes raked over his naked body, taking in first the face flushed with embarrassment and want, then the small yet strong shoulders and his toned chest, my eyes moved downward, looking at the two pale nipples sticking up hard, his tanned body shivering slightly from anticipation, and still my eyes continued downward. The visible ribs, the flat stomach, those soft, smooth hips that my hands itched to caress, the curve of his ass that I wanted to knead and massage, his erection sticking up, purple and engorged with need, two slender, toned legs and lastly his wriggling feet that I wanted to see curl as he came.

I smirked up at him, his violet eyes watching me intently and bent down, kissing his feet before giving him a slow massage, slowly moving upwards, my hands working out the tight muscles and kinks I felt there. I never knew he had been so tense…I should've taken more time before I almost lost him. But that was the past and no matter how much I wanted to change that, I couldn't. My hands caressed every sinew in his legs, moving upwards, kneading and massaging as I went. I kissed the inside of his thighs, missing his straining erection and moved up.

My hands slipped to grip his ass, my fingers brushing up and down those two perfect globes of muscles, slipping between his cheeks to tease his entrance before disappearing to move up his back. I heard him whimper with disappointment, but ignored him and continued my full body massage. I kneaded his stomach, loving the purring noises he made as I stroked his stomach, rubbing, massaging, kneading, teasing the hard abs there.

I slipped my hands behind to his back, finding the knots there and removing them, his soft, content moans leading me upwards until I was at his shoulders. He seemed to melt beneath my hands, his eyes closed and a soft smile on his lips as I continued to massage him. I bent down and kissed his lips softly, my tongue reaching out to trace his lips before sliding into that hot cavern and plundering my love's mouth.

My own erection pressed painfully against my jeans and I felt Shuichi's hands run down my back once more, sliding to the front to unbutton my pants. I moaned as he teased the zipper down and then pushed my pants away, fumbling slightly. I shifted my hips to assist him and moved back somewhat so he could push them off. Yet I was taken by surprise when I was flipped on my back, my arms full of pink and tan, and kissed thoroughly.

"I love you." He whispered against my lips, his eyes searching mine. What was he looking for again? It was always the same and yet I could never see what he searched for or if he ever found it.

I brought one hand up to caress his cheek and whispered back, "I love you too."

He smiled, a soft sigh echoing in the room, and then laid down on my chest, nuzzling my breast. My arms encircled his slim waist and I tried to pull him even closer than he already was, tucking his head beneath my chin. I waited, the next move was his, if he wanted this then he'd have to tell me so. Just holding him was enough for now, though my body screamed for more, and I kissed his pink locks.

I don't know how long we just held each other, reveling in the heat and proximity of our bodies, but I could've cared less. The feeling of that small body in my arms, his soft breath on my chest, his hands idly tracing circles on my skin and his small moans of content reaching my ears was more than enough. Yet my body yearned for more, longed to be buried deep within the lithe form lying on my chest and listen to those screams I knew that strong voice could make, but I would not force him to do something he wished not to.

I felt Shuichi shift in my arms and was surprised when I felt the hesitant lips on my throat. I remained still, uncertain if I was reading what his body was saying or not, and tried not to groan as those kisses continued. Shuichi shifted again, this time so his face was just above mine, and dipped down to capture my lips. I opened my mouth for him and let his tongue slowly taste the inside of my mouth, savoring the taste and feeling of his tongue in my mouth.

He pulled back and rocked his hips against me. "Show me?" He whispered and I smiled at him, leaning up to taste that sweet mouth of his again. Our kiss grew more heated as it prolonged, moving from soft and loving to hungry and passionate—yet that edge of love never left as our tongues explored, slid and battled each other.

**_LONG LEMON SCENE_**

Both of us were breathing, sweat trickled off our bodies, legs and hands intertwined, chests heaving against each other, hair plastered to our faces and our eyes on each other. I brought the hand up from between our legs and licked his essence off of my fingers before slicking back his hair lovingly. I bent down and kissed him so tenderly I thought he was going to cry before looking into those eyes again. I could see the love and now the trust in them and I knew the same reflected in my own.

"I love you." I whispered to him so only he would hear me, though no one else was in the room.

He brought his hand up and settled it around my neck, bringing my head down to rest on his chest, my other hand still intertwined with his. "I love you Yuki." He said, nuzzling my head and I could tell from his voice that he was crying again.

I flipped us over, my flaccid cock still within him, and held him against my chest. "Don't cry…" I whispered, my free hand wrapping around his waist while his free hand remained around my neck. I rubbed his back soothingly, "Don't cry Shu-chan." He mumbled an apology, but I just shook my head and held him close, sleep calling both of us. I heard his breathing even out as he listened to my heartbeat and soon after I was joining him in the world of dreams.

Dhampir  
Page 12  
4/04/05

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**Reviews:**

**SwiftSilver:** Hehe, yeah, cliff hangers are great and not so great, depending on who's writing and who's reading, but hey! They were invented to keep the interest, sorry, but that was just such a perfect place to stop.  
**KawaiiYasha:** IM me anyways! I don't mind it at all, hehe.  
**Kitty in the Box:** Hehe, I forgot to explain in the last chapter that Yuki only calls Shuichi that when Shuichi's on the verge of a mental breakdown or is really upset...though I'm glad you liked it. People go back and forth on thatas I was.  
**Invader Nicole:** Sorry! But Tohma was mean and he kinda had it coming. I'll admit I have a soft spot for Tohma because he's just so sly! But he had it coming...sorry, hehe.  
**Goku-Chan Lover:** He's alive at least! And hopefully he'll be all right later...hehe.  
**Amonae:** Crap...I don't think I ever sent you the scene! I am SO sorry if I didn't...everything's going 'blah!' for me that I can't even remember, I'll go look in my e-mails now to see if I did or not. So sorry if I didn't! But now you'll be wanting another one too, hehe.  
**Baka:** Actually if you think about the anime and manga, Shuichi kind of does make Yuki his entire life. And it wasn't like he was refusing to live without Yuki, it was more just the stress, the cutting,the betrayal and losing his love adding up that caused him to just crash. And he hadn't forgotten how to live, he had just given up, along with the crash. Sorry that you were gritting your teeth through them, though I am curious if it got so much on your nerves to why you do like my stories and I do mean honest curiosity.  
**Everyone Else:** Thank you for your kind words and loving my story, hehe, it means a lot to me. Can't really write much becuase it's now almost six in the morning and I haven't slept yet, sorry for the long update.

**Special Note To Gravitation Gig:** I apologize profusely for my last comment to you. If you could tell, I was quite annoyed and angered by my roommate and so I was kind of snapping at anyone and everyone. I will say truthfully that it did somewhat upset me that you thought I was ignoring _Gravitation_ because I do have so many stories going on I try to rotate. I had been somewhat ignoring my_Naruto_ fic 'Through Fox's Eyes' and so decided to write a quick chapter to that and because my other _Naruto_ story came first I'm trying to finish it quicker, but what I said had no basis to you and I apologize. Also, I have two _Gravitation_ stories not on this site as well as a _Gundam Wing_ story not on this site that I also must write for. But again, I apologize, what I said was uncalled for and I hadn't meant it to come around so harshly as it did.

**Authoress' Note:** As you can tell, this was a major lemon scene. Before I cut it, it was twelve pages long and I did have to cut at least three to four pages out. If you wish for the uncut version of Chapter Six, please contact me via my e-mail, AIM: Dhampyr17, orYahoo: InnocentVixen18


	7. I'm Where?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** This is the sequel to _Cutting Through It All_, all the characters will be very OOC if you have not read that first. Please read the prequel before continuing with this story.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Seven_

_…eyes raked over his naked body…I slipped my hands behind to his back, finding the knots there and removing them, his soft, content moans leading me upwards until I was at his shoulders…he pulled back and rocked his hips against me…I wanted him bad, I needed him, needed to be inside him and see this pleasure on his face as I thrust into him…he moaned lowly, his eyes closing again, and let his head fall limply back on the pillows as I continued my lazy thrusts…Shuichi arching off the bed and screaming with that voice I loved so much…chests rubbed against each other…harder and harder each time…His muscles tightened even more around me and I shuddered as my climax overtook me…"I love you..."_

Groaning, I rolled over onto my stomach, burying my face into my pillow. Maybe I should look into a different kind of sleeping pills…Every night these dreams get more vivid and realistic; I don't think I'll be able to keep my hands off of Shuichi if they continue like last night's. I swear, I can still taste him on my lips and smell him all around me. Even my muscles ached that familiar dull pain after sex as if I had over used them.

I finally opened my eyes, moving my head sideways to look around my room, which oddly looked like Shuichi's…What the hell is going on? I sat up, looking around the room again, blinking and shaking my head, and stared at _Shuichi's room._ Then…it really did happen? I turned onto my back again, but my left hand missed the side of the bed and I went tumbling off the side in a heap of blankets and limbs.

"Shit!" I muttered, standing up again. I shook my left hand at the pain and rolled my wrist lightly. Damn, now I'm hurt too.

"Yuki?" A small voice asked and I whirled around, trying to cover up my body with the blanket as I looked at my little lover. Lover. We really did make love last night, he was my lover again… I couldn't help but stare at him, did he know how sexy and cute he looked dressed in an oversized shirt. Big violet eyes stared up at me from under mussed pink hair and the shirt hung off his small frame, slipping down to show one tanned shoulder as well as his beautifully shaped legs.

I wanted to say something, anything, but I seemed at a loss for words…and all I could do was stare at him.

Shuichi cocked his head at me, "Um…Yuki, are you okay?"

"Yeah…" I whispered, dropping the sheets and coming towards him. I lifted his chin up and kissed him softly before letting my tongue slip into his mouth and explore it. He moaned into my mouth, his small hands coming up to rest on my chest as I pulled him closer, my arm wrapping around his slim waist.

Once we parted, Shuichi looked up at me, his cheeks tinged with a slight blush, and smiled. "Thanks Yuki…for last night."

"I don't want it to be just last night Shu-chan…" I whispered, stroking back his pink locks. "I never want…_this_ to end."

"This…?" He asked, his voice as soft as mine.

I picked up his hand and held it to my heart, "Yes, this." I answered, my eyes remaining locked on his. My other hand cupped his cheek and my thumb lightly traced his lips. "This Shuichi." I let both of my hands drop to his waist and pulled him up into my arms, a small gasp of surprise coming from him, and held him close. "This, I don't ever want to lose you again. I want to feel you in my arms, beside me, I want to feel your lips on mine, your skin against mine, I want to hear your voice, I want to see your eyes, I want to smell your scent and I want to love you every day."

Very slowly his arms circled around my neck and he buried his face into my neck, nuzzling me softly. "You really want me? Even a-after…last night?"

"God yes." I cried, holding his small body closer to mine, almost clinging to him. The night came back to me vividly, the blood, the cuts, the tears…those eyes. I never wanted to see those eyes ever again, every time I saw the hopelessness, the brokenness, in those dead eyes my own soul broke a little. I didn't want to see them again, I prayed I would never see them again. "I always want you, I want you forever Shu-han."

He looked up at me, surprise evident in his voice as he repeated, "Shu-han?"

"Hai."

The smile I was rewarded could've made angels sing, so beautiful… How did I come across such a perfect soul? I gave him a small smile and kissed his temple before carrying him out into the living room. He giggled as I walked around stark naked, a little pink pop singer hanging onto me, and set both of us onto the sofa, him in my lap.

He was so much happier now and I was content to just have him with me, before me, in the flesh. How many times had I dreamed that I was too late? How many times had I watched him die in my dreams? How many times had I relived that night when I found him huddled in the corner of our apartment, bleeding, hurting…dying? How many times did my heart break? How many nights did I sit up because I feared my dreams?

Looking down at his smiling form, I sighed. How many times had I wished for that smile? He turned around in my lap and I wrapped my arms around his waist, setting my chin on his shoulder. "Let me guess, Music Channel?" I teased as he turned the television on.

"Of course!" He grinned, snuggling back into my chest. I snorted, but leaned back and let him comfortable until he settled down to watch the music videos. With his head just under my chin, his hands lying on top of mine and his legs straddling my left leg, he began to hum the song that filled the room.

I listened to his soft voice echoing around me, harmonizing with the music video, and just relaxed. This was where I belonged, where he belonged. We belonged like this, together and in each others arms.

I don't know when I dozed off, I don't know when I became secure enough to fall asleep with someone else like I did with Shuichi. Hell, I don't know when I learned how to love! I…always thought that was impossible for me, a feat that I could only write about and never experience. I had thought Kitazawa had ruined any chance of happiness I ever had and the only thing I wanted was to be left alone by everyone.

And then this kid, this…bundle of energy appeared out of no where and changed everything. He changed my lifestyle, my aspect on life, how I looked at things, how I thought…he changed everything there was to me. He came into my life, threw everything upside down and sideways and set it straight again.

When had he done this? When had he wormed his way into my life and heart? He was everything to me now and yet I was blind to it all until he was almost taken away from me. So…when? When had he done this? _Why_ had he done this? I still couldn't understand why he chose me to love. My cheerful cherub deserved someone who wasn't as scarred as me and yet, he refused to give me up…

"Yuki? Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki, Yuki."

I slowly opened my eyes, not even startled by how close Shuichi's were to me, so big and violet…staring down at me with curiosity.

"Yeah?" I yawned.

"I made some lunch…" He said, kissing me lightly before disappearing off my lap and into the kitchen.

Well, looked like his boundless energy was still intact… I looked at him from where I sat and smirked, he was too cute for his own good. Reaching up to grab the glasses from the cupboard, the shirt he was wearing exposed his tanned thigh, and I groaned as I felt my body stirring at the sight. That little tease…

Standing up, still naked might I add, I walked behind him and reached up to grab the two glasses…this felt familiar…

**­_—Flashback—_**

_I looked over my laptop at my pink haired baka…what was he doing? Damn, did he have to wear a shirt that short? The bottom of his ass just barely showed, but fuck it was hot! I couldn't help but stare at his ass, thoughts of what I could be doing to it filling my mind. Shit, I had to meet my editor later today and then there was Sakura… But I hadn't fucked my little baka in so long and my cock was already hard just watching him struggling to reach the glass just out of his reach. Why couldn't he just get the glass below it? Then at least he could reach it._

_But he apparently didn't want that glass because he continued to reach for that one. Damn it, any more of this torture and I'm going to just fuck him right here and into the counter. I pushed the chair back and crossed the space between us, pressing up against his back and almost groaning at the feeling of his ass against my cock. No, no time for that today…I guess it'll have to wait until later tonight. _

_Reaching up, I grabbed the glass he wanted and handed it to him, retreating back to my laptop before I lost all my control. Fuck did I want to fuck him! But no, that could wait until later. I settled myself behind my laptop once more, staring at the words before me, and then looked up at my little baka. _

_Surprised at the raw emotions on his face, I could only watch as he rushed out of the kitchen. What the fuck? Did I give him the wrong glass or something? What the hell has been wrong with him lately? He's acting so…weird. I heard the door to our room open and saw his backside just before the front door slammed closed. _

_Snorting, I looked at the counter where his empty glass was. That brat, he didn't even say goodbye to me…what was wrong with him? I frowned, was he…tempting me? _

**—_End of Flashback—_**

How…how many times had I ignored him like that? How many times had he tried to get my attention? Why didn't I notice this earlier, damn it!

"Yuki?" Shuichi asked me when I didn't set the glasses down or move. He turned so he could look at me over his shoulder and saw the shocked—and probably horrified—expression on my face. "What's wrong?"

Setting down the glasses, I wrapped my arms around him and kissed him deeply. "I'll never ignore you like that again, never."

"What?"

"I'm such a jackass." I murmured. "I didn't even notice I had been ignoring you…I'm sorry Shuichi."

"Um…okay Yuki." He said cheerfully. How could he forgive me so easily? We stood there for a couple minutes, him just letting me hold him, before he pulled away, an apologetic smile on his face. "The food's going to burn."

I smirked and mussed his hair. "When did you learn to cook?"

"I always knew how to cook!"

"Then why did my kitchen almost burn…six times? Or did you forget the fire extinguisher, the sprinklers, the new stove, the new tile and oh, we can't forget the smell that remained in the kitchen months after." I teased.

"Yuki!" He whined, so much like his old self. "Okay, fine, I had to learn because I didn't want to eat take out all the time."

"Amazing you haven't gotten food poisoning yet."

He made a face at me, sticking his tongue out and I pretended to bite it, my teeth snapping shut. Blushing furiously, he darted out beneath my arms and over to where he was making pancakes.

I slipped out of the kitchen to get dressed and returned, my shirt untucked and halfway unbuttoned and one hand in my pocket. I smelled the air and was surprised that it actually didn't smell burnt! "Hmm, well, let's see." I said as I paused at the doorway, leaning against the door frame. I smirked when Shuichi paused to stare at me, his eyes subconsciously raking over my body, and finally walked in.

"U-um…did you want some coffee?" He asked after a minute, forcing his body to move.

Sitting down, I nodded. "Oh, do you have cream?"

"Sure!"

Returning with my coffee and a small pitcher of cream, he set them down before me and then quickly left to make plates of food. "Arigato." I said, pouring the cream into my coffee. "Ah, Shu-han, do you have a spoon?"

I didn't hear him speak, but soon a plate full of food as well as a spoon appeared before me while he appeared across from me. He picked up his coffee—black—and held it close to him.

I tried the eggs while stirring my coffee and smiled. "Delicious Shu, you really can cook!"

He pouted, "Of course I can."

Chuckling, I sipped my coffee and began to eat, but stopped when Shuichi just stared at me from over his oversized coffee mug. "Aren't you going to eat?"

"Hai…" He whispered, setting down his coffee and began to eat. Something was bothering him? I narrowed my eyes slightly, watching as he picked at his food, eating small bits and pieces of it and shooting hesitant glances at me.

I continued to eat, waiting for him to speak, but he remained silent. After I finished what was on my plate, I finally sighed and leaned back in my chair, crossing my arms. "Okay, what is it?"

He looked up, startled, and then back down at his food. I waited, watching as he struggled with what he wanted to say before he finally whispered. "Why?"

"Why?" I asked, utterly confused.

Violet eyes looked up at me, "Why? Why did you…love me last night?"

"Because we both needed it."

"What?"

"You needed to feel loved, to know physically that I love you, and I needed to feel _you._ I needed to know you really were alive and not bleeding somewhere to death." I said, my eyes never wavering. "It wasn't how I planned for both of us to experience it, but I don't regret it…do you?"

He shook his head vigorously, "No! No, I don't regret it, but I thought…you really didn't mean it."

I stood up and came to kneel down before him, looking up at his face. "Then what must I do to make you know I do mean it? That I mean all of it. Tell me and I will do so."

Shuichi sniffed, tears filling his eyes as he fell to the floor beside me and wrapped his arms around my waist. "Stay with me…just…hold me?"

"Oh Shuichi, I'll hold you forever if you'll let me." I whispered to him, wrapping my arms around his shoulders, rocking him back and forth slowly. I held him on that kitchen floor, my arms full of my pink bundle, as he cried silently into my chest. I stroked and rubbed his back, speaking softly to him as he clung to me.

I finally pulled back when I felt his tears stop and his breaths even out. Smiling down at his sleeping face, I picked him up and carried him back to the room…that we forgot to clean up last night… Sighing, I gently laid him on the couch instead, turning down the volume and grabbing the blanket off the chair next to it. Covering him up, I kissed his forehead and then went to clean up around the house—hoping he didn't mind too much.

Stripping the bed, I found his washer and dryer and began a load of laundry before searching for the linen closet. We always kept the linen in the bathroom…but it didn't seem to be where he kept his. Searching the house, I finally found them in his closet—why the hell he kept them there I don't know, but at least I could change the bed now.

After that, I set to cleaning the blood off the carpet. At least this time I could do it, I couldn't even bring myself near that place in my old apartment and even now, the sight of his blood there made me shiver. Soaking the carpet, I began to dab and lightly clean up the carpet, watching as rag after rag was filled with blood. Yet after two hours, the carpet was finally clean and not a speck of blood anywhere on it.

Sighing, I retreated to the living room and picked up the phone, cleaning it off and placing it back in its stand. Then I wiped the blood off the hard wood floor and retreated to the kitchen. I had to keep myself busy or I'd start thinking about last night and how much of an idiot I am.

Moving into the kitchen, I cleared the table, put away the food, cleaned the dishes, washed the table, cleaned off the counter, put away the dishes, swept the floor and finally sat down to rest. Sweeping back my hair, I looked over at my sleeping lover and sighed, he was so innocent, so…unique, how could I just ruin him like I did? Why did he choose me when he could've had anyone he wanted? There I was, a womanizer, a cold hearted bastard who only cared for himself, who hated everyone and everything and barely gave anyone the time of day and yet…he still loved me.

I watched his slumbering form, my chin propped up by my hand, from the kitchen and smiled softly. His hair fell almost delicately over his face, hiding his eyes from view, his mouth just slightly opened as he breathed in and out slowly, subconsciously licking his lips every couple minutes. One arm was tucked beneath his head, fingers curling in his hair, while the other fell limply over the side of the couch. I could see his body rise and fall beneath the blanket as he breathed and he'd shift every now and then to get more comfortable, never awaken. His bare feet stuck out at the bottom, his knees slightly bent, and I smiled as he curled his toes.

I sat there for an hour just staring at him until he woke up, which was even cuter than him sleep. His face scrunches up before he opens his eyes, moving his hands to rub at his eyes, and then he stretches, stretching his body out as far as it can go while he yawns slowly, sticking his tongue out. Then shaking his head, he sat up and looked around the apartment, his violet eyes focusing on me. He gave me a sheepish smile and stood up, that shirt slipping off his one shoulder again.

"Sorry Yuki," he said, padding over to where I sat, "didn't mean to fall asleep like that."

My hand snaked around his waist and a small 'eep!' came from him as I pressed him up against my chest. "You'll just have to make it up to me." I grinned before kissing him deeply, my tongue thrusting into his mouth and dancing with his. He pressed closer to me, his tongue battling with mine and I felt his fingers sliding inside my shirt. Well now, who's the aggressor this time?

I let my hands slide down to his thighs and then back up inside his shirt, running my hands over bare ass and up his back. He moaned into my mouth and pressed closer, his erection rising as his hands explored my chest. He stood between my legs as I continued to run my hands up and down his flesh, my own cock rising at the feeling of his body underneath my hands.

_Knock, knock, knock!_

You have got to be kidding me… I groaned as Shuichi pulled away, his face vaguely flushed and his breaths coming in small pants, telling me just how turned on he was. Stomping over to the door, he opened it and stared at…Hiro.

"Hiro?" He asked, staring up at his red headed best friend.

"Hey Shuichi! Um, well, I've got some good news and bad news…" he said, laughing slightly. "Good news is you don't have work today! And the bad news would be…that K wants to kill you right now. So I thought I should warn…" He paused, seeing the bandages on Shuichi's arms. "Shuichi." His said, his voice suddenly turning serious. "What is this?"

My lover looked down at the floor. "I…had some problems last night." He whispered.

"What? What happened? Are you okay? Does Yuki know? Is he why this happened?" He asked, coming into the room, not even noticing me yet.

"Um…Yuki's here."

"Here? What do you mean Yuki's…oh." He said when he saw me at the kitchen table. I waved sarcastically at him and stood up, walking to stand behind my little lover. "Yuki." He said, nodding his head in greeting.

"Hiro."

"Is one of you going to tell me why this time?"

I wrapped my arms around Shuichi's shoulders, "Shu-han?"

He stared down at the ground and said quietly, "Everything was just…too much. I needed to escape, that's all."

Hiro sighed, "I guess you're going to be starting therapy again then?" Shuichi nodded. "Well, I'll go tell K you'll be out tomorrow too and then I'll set up another appointment, okay?"

"Thanks Hiro."

Looking at me, he mouthed "Take care of him" and then left, closing the door behind him. Well, didn't that just ruin the mood…

Shuichi turned around in my arms and hugged my waist, breathing in my scent. "Well, we have the whole day together…if you want…do you want to go do something?" He asked, looking up at me.

I bent down, kissing his lips, and then nodded. "Why don't we go to the park?"

He grinned at me and then giving me a fleeting kiss, disappeared into his room to get dressed.

We spent the entire day together, walking around the park and talking. We packed a lunch and ate under a couple trees while we watched the kids before us playing tag. At one point Shuichi got up and started playing tag with them, trying to get me to join in. Of course, I adamantly refused; there was no way in hell I was going to play with a bunch of little brats.

Then Shuichi being Shuichi climbed a tree, which he fell out of, and so we had to go find some place to wash off his now scraped knee. And I had to carry him, amazing, he cuts himself without a word, but when he falls out of a tree, he can't walk. Oh well, it wasn't like having my little baka in my arms was a bad thing.

I bought him ice cream and strawberry pocky to make up for him falling out of the tree and then we just sat down on a bench and watched the sunset.

Once night came, we headed back and I dropped him off at his house, taking ten minutes to just hold him and kiss him. Then with one last kiss, I departed for my house, sighing as I entered the empty apartment once more.

After spending the entire day with Shuichi, my apartment just felt so…dead, Shuichi was what brightened up my days. I wanted to hear his laughter echoing through the house, his voice calling out to me as he came home from work and I wanted to see him every day. It just seemed so…unreal now that he wasn't here.

Sighing, I shed my clothes and stepped into the shower. I smirked as the warm water ran over me, at least I finally got some sex again. I was practically dying with my wet dreams of Shuichi and though I don't know when I'll get the chance to make love to him again, at least I got to. Maybe now he'll understand just how much I love him.

Washing, shampooing and rinsing, I shook my head and slicked off the excess water from my body before toweling down. I sighed again, retreating to my room, and pulled on a pair of lounge pants, getting ready to settle down for sleep. Yet…I couldn't sleep. Something was nagging at me, but I didn't know what.

I groaned and turned over, burying my face into my pillows and tried to will myself to sleep, but it wouldn't come. I finally gave up and slid out of bed, walking to my kitchen to make some tea. Drumming my fingers on the counter as my tea boiled, I looked around the white kitchen. I haven't even used the stove yet…

With a cup of tea in my hands, I retreated back to my room, pausing as I passed my study. I hadn't entered that place once in the past year…hadn't written anything in almost two. My eyes widened as I finally understood what was bothering me so much. I wanted to write, I _wanted _to and I even had the story I wanted already forming in my mind. Now who's the baka? Smirking, I entered the dark room and turned on the light, my black laptop still in the same place it was before. I hope it still works…

I sat down at my seat, the leather creaking from disuse, and opened the laptop, pushing the power button and watching as it started up. Taking out my reading glasses, I put them on and focused on the screen. My boot-up password appeared and I typed in 'Kitazawa' and watched my computer start up. My login password came up and I smirked as I typed in 'PinkBaka'.

A story…a novel for the first time in almost two years. My editor was going to love my and my fans were going to go crazy. Opening Word, I took a sip of tea and set in for a long night at the computer.

Dhampir  
Page 8  
4/15/05

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**Note:** I _hate_ this chapter, I despise it, so I'm sorry for the crappy chapter...

**Reviews:**

**BRam:** It's not pathetic at all! Oh, and Tohma got yelled at, he apologizes.  
**Saint Germain:** Well, I'm glad it wasn't what you were expecting, I try to go for the non ordinary, though I don't always get to...But thank you too.  
**KawaiiYasha:** Because FFnet is mean and doesn't want those scenes on their site, hehe, no matter how sweet they are.  
**tangerine-asuka:** Well, I didn't post "Anything You Desire...Master" on here first because it's all smut and everything, hehe. But now it's here! Just...cut a lot.  
**Time-Again:** Yeah, but I had to have some reason for Yuki and Shuichi to get together...sorry. I hope you like my Naruto fics if you get the chance to read them, one of them is now complete Cheers and now I'm working on a sequel for that one too.  
**Baka:** No, no, no, no. I wasn't offended at all. Darn it, it always comes off like that and I didn't mean it to, I was just curious. Sorry, I didn't mean for it to sound like that. Oh, and Yuki got cuffed by Shuichi off stage, majorly, I think he might have a couple fake teeth now...  
**Suzaku no miko Miaka-sama:** Yeah, I really don't just like putting a sex scene in and I wanted to make this something sweet and intimate between Yuki and Shuichi--not just a scene. Hehe, art, sex, it could be the same thing...maybe, hehe. And it's cool, I don't mind you going on like this.  
**Kolie:** Yeah, well, now you know what happened! Though...I really hate this chapter, but yup, we don't really know what Shu was thinking because he woke up before Yuki...Love and hugs!  
**Everyone Else:** Thank you for your reviews and comments. Sorry that you had to read through this sucky chapter, hopefully the next one will be better. I like the beginning, I like the end...somewhere in the middle I lost the 'feeling' of the story.

**Note:** For those who sent me e-mails or asked for the uncut version and didn't receive it, please tell me becuase my e-mail doesn't want to work completely or your address didn't come through...

Also, Silver20000, I'm sorry I wasn't there! I've tried to IM you a couple times, but I can never get through, please IM me again with you address and I'll send it to you.

Dhampir


	8. Another Day

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** This is the **sequel** to _Cutting Through It All_. If you have not read the prequel by now, please do so before reading this—if not, the characters will be extremely OOC and most likely you'll be lost.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Eight_

I closed my eyes, rubbing the bridge of my nose, and stared at the screen before me. Words flowed before me, creating a story of romance, loss and redemption and painting a world at one time I had only seen in my mind. This novel refused to leave me alone and never had I written like this—twenty three chapters in little over two weeks. Awaking at all times of the night, ideas overflowed from my mind and refused to let me rest, having me work furiously before the screen for hours on end.

It was now six pm, I had roused from my greatly needed sleep at two this morning and hadn't taken a rest except to refill my coffee mug or light up another cigarette. I had just finished the twenty third chapter and my eyes burned from staring at the screen while I fought to keep them open against weariness.

I opened my desk drawer and looked at the bottles of medication there. I could have the damn pharmacy in my desk drawer in a year or two—need headache relief? Have some Thorazine. Pain? I have Percocet, Advil, Prednisone and Tylenol—take your pick. How about a muscle relaxer? Try Carisoprodol. Oh, and can't forget sore throat: Nyquil, aching hands: Daypro, sinus medicine: Zyrtec, and my all time favorite, sleeping pills.

Picking up my blood pressure medicine, I shook the empty bottle and groaned. Damn it, forgot to get a refill again. Damn blood pressure. Apparently the doctor said my blood pressure was high enough that I could have a heart attack any day and should've been dead five or six years ago. So what? Damn stuff makes me irritated too, but what the hell, take the damn medicine and make the doctor happy.

He makes me come in weekly now to check my blood pressure as well as my temper, which he was learning very quickly was short. Oh well, I forgot to take it yesterday and probably the day before that too—I can't remember anymore—what's one more day going to hurt? Hate it anyway.

Stifling a yawn, I left my study and checked my messages, groaning when Shuichi's voice filled the room—he had called me five times throughout the day. My poor lover…I've been neglecting him since I began writing like a man possessed and still no one knew that I had began writing once again.

I grabbed the phone and leaned back against the kitchen counter, finally yawning as I dialed his cell number. I knew he was worried about me, we had only enough time to see each other twice in half a month and even when my entire being was enamored with his presence, I couldn't stop the ideas from running through my mind.

About time I gave him some kind of explanation. He probably thought now that we had sex that I was done being nice to him. After the sixth ring, he picked up the phone, his chipper voice bringing a small smile to my lips.

"Are you still at work?" I asked casually.

"Yeah, we're recording a couple new songs and K's refusing to let us leave until we finish."

He sounded tired and I knew if he sounded it, he was almost dead on his feet. "Was something wrong earlier?"

"No, just wanted to talk." He said, his voice tinged with…was that disappointment?

"Ah, well I didn't hear the phone ring all day, that's why I hadn't answered."

"Oh, that's okay Yuki!"

I sighed, "No it isn't brat, so don't try to make it. I should've checked my messages all throughout the day—should've for the past two weeks."

"Yuki…are you okay?" He asked and I could hear the confusion in his voice.

"I'm fine, just tired, like you are."

"I'm not tired."

"Uh-huh." I answered flatly.

"Okay, maybe a little bit."

"When did you last eat?"

"Um…this morning?"

"Uh-huh and how much sleep did you get?"

"I don't know…four or five hours I guess."

"You're tired."

"I'll sleep when we're done…only three more songs to do…"

"Hold on." I said, hitting the other line and calling up Seguchi. I have his direct line number and decided for once to use it to my advantage.

"Eiri-san, this is a surprise." He said and I knew he had that creepy smile.

"I want you to tell K to let them go for the night." I demanded. "Shuichi's dead on his feet and keeping them there won't get you anywhwere."

"But they need to finish recording in time for next month's release."

"Do it." I growled. "If you don't, I will forcefully drag Shuichi out of there and refuse to let him leave for the next month. I'm not in the mood for bantering Seguchi, understand?"

"Hai, I'll tell K to let them go for the night."

I curtly said, "Thanks" and hung up on him, returning to my call with Shuichi. "Are you walking or driving?"

"What? Oh, um, walking. My car's in the shop."

Why didn't I know this? Oh, maybe it's because I've been distracted. "I see." I said, walking towards the door and slipping on my shoes.

"K's back, I have to go Yuki, but I'll talk to you later right?"

"Definitely."

"Love you Yuki."

"You too brat." I smiled as I hung up. Time to go pick up a certain little baka I had somehow grown to love. Grabbing my jacket, I walked out the door—locking it—and headed towards my car, I did not want him walking tonight. Did he walk this morning? His new apartment was a good fifteen minute drive, so the walk would be at least an hour, if not more. Damn it, great boyfriend I am, I start writing again and I forget everything I have been working so hard for.

I arrived at NG Records—only five minutes from my apartment—just in time to see Shuichi along with Hiro and Suguru walking out. I stepped out of my car and looked over at him, watching at his bright violet eyes widened with surprise and a smile graced his lips. He waved excitedly at me while I waved back casually and watched as he said bye to his band mates. He didn't run over like he used to, but came towards me calmly and hugged me lightly.

"You came here to pick me up?"

"Why else would I be here?" I asked, tilting his chin up and kissing him slowly. Hey, I hadn't seen my baka in almost six days.

He smiled at me and then ran to the other side of the car to slide in as I got back behind the wheel. "Um Yuki, can we get something to eat?"

I glanced over at him and smirked, "Sure."

He smiled up at me and then turned on the radio—like always—and began to sing along once he found a station he liked. Cracking my window halfway, I lit a cigarette and took a long drag, blowing the smoke out my mouth and out the window. "What have you been doing all day Yuki?"

I removed my cigarette and slowed to a stop at a red light. "Writing."

I saw his eyes light up and he moved closer, "Really? That's great Yuki! I know it'll be a top seller."

"Maybe."

"It's been a while since you've written, hasn't it?"

I nodded, taking another drag, "Quite a while."

"If a singer leaves for a year or so without a word, they can still come back just as strong. Is it the same for writers?"

"No. Usually if an author stops writing, it's for good." The light turned green.

"Oh."

The rest of the drive was relatively silent, he didn't even speak when I pulled into a grocery store and led him through the aisles picking up different items. His silence was beginning to agitate me as I pulled into the parking lot before my apartment complex. He followed behind me, not asking why he was here or even what I was planning, and sat down on the couch as I retreated to the kitchen.

Okay, I've lived most of my life in silence, then this baka comes crashing into my life and two years of loud talking, crying, singing, moans, pleasurable cries, incessant whining and idle chatter and then…silence again. I can't take it anymore, I have to have something making noise now—the radio, television, the cars on the street, children playing, me tapping my foot on the ground, it doesn't matter what the sound is as long as it isn't silent.

After setting the noodle to boil, I returned to the living room and finally broke the damnable silence. "Shuichi, is something wrong?"

"No…" he said, looking over his shoulder at me, "Why?"

"Because you haven't said a single word since the grocery store."

He shrugged, "I just can't think of anything to say."

This coming from the pink baka that can ramble endlessly about pocky… "Shu, there's something wrong, I know it."

"I didn't want to talk too much…" he whispered.

Here we go… I sat down next to him and cocked my head, "Why?"

"Because I don't want you to leave me."

"I'm not going to leave you."

"But how do you know that? You've been avoiding me since we had sex at my place, haven't you?"

I startled both of us when I swept him into a hug and held him against my chest. "I wasn't avoiding you. I got caught up in my novel and haven't been thinking straight. Damn it Shu, don't you know how much I love you?"

He didn't answer.

The pain that I felt in my heart at his silence was tremendous. I felt as if someone had just ripped out my heart and stomped on it, grinding it into the dirt—only problem was that I was still alive. If Kitizawa had me raped tenfold right now, it would seem only a small wound compared to the one Shuichi just dealt me; even being stabbed a thousand times over amounted to nothing. I snorted and stood up, what an idiot I am.

"Yuki—" He started.

I just shook my head and walked away. It wasn't the smartest decision, but at that moment, I couldn't bare to even see him. He didn't answer me, meaning he didn't know and so he didn't love me. He couldn't love me. I mean, who could? I'm a cold hearted bastard, flawed by my foreign features and destroyed by Kitizawa, there's nothing special about me…not a single thing. Not like Shuichi, no Shuichi was a blinding star in the sky that I could only hope to reach for.

Fuck. Shuichi was just a dream, something I would never achieve, for that's what dreams were—things unreachable. It's not a dream unless it's impossible. Shuichi was my dream, the object of my desires and the image of perfection—everything I was and am not. That shining aura, I had wanted to, I wanted to have what he had, wanted to experience it and own it, but the only way I could ever have that was to own him and that is utterly impossible. All I did was soil him, hurt him, dim the brightness of his eyes and destroy his soul.

I was no better than Kitizawa.

He was my first love—no my first infatuation—and I was Shuichi's first love. He had led me on, let me fantasize about him and get close to him, just like I had let Shuichi, and then he pushed me away. He had finally approached me about how I looked at him, how I acted around him and destroyed my childhood, soul and heart—just like I had done to Shuichi. My pink haired baka…my damn brat that I constantly verbally abused and even sometimes physically abused. Yes, I remembered those nights now…not clearly and not completely, but enough to understand what I had done to him.

—**Flashback—**

_The damn brat wasn't here. Where the hell was he? So I had yelled at him again, so what? He better be coming back soon…why hadn't he called yet? I had barely noticed his presence gone with this whole fucking mess with Sakura and then there was my newest deadline that I had to finish, but I still noticed. By the second day, I was really worried. No call, no note, no sign of the pink haired baka…was he cheating on me? Had he found someone else? No, no, not him. I was the only one for him and he'd never leave me, he loved me. Right?_

_Yet now it's the third day since I've seen him and I haven't slept since yesterday. No sign of him still and I was really starting to worry. He had never stayed away from me this long before, no, he always came back… But what had happened? We haven't fought lately, we've barely seen each other for that to happen! I haven't been mean to him, yeah, okay, I've been preoccupied, but that's barely a reason for him to leave me and he didn't know about Sakura—he couldn't! Right?_

_Why am I questioning myself. Dammit, I'm not supposed to be worrying over some baka I'm better off without anyway. Good, he's gone, but what if he _is_ cheating on me? What if he's left me? Would he do that? No…he wouldn't do that. He doesn't have the strength to do that. He _loved_ me! He tells me that everyday! Well…not lately, but that's because he hasn't been here. _

_Picking up my beer, I finished off the can in a couple swallows. How many did this make now? Ten…no fourteen? When had I started drinking? No, no, fourteen couldn't be right, I'd be passed out by then… Started drinking yesterday…I think. Yeah, yesterday, it was yesterday. Went out and bought a couple cases of beer and now there was only two cases left. How many had I bought again? Five? Four? Five I think… Damn, I've been drinking all day long…_

_I stood up and stumbled to the wall, this wasn't good…I kind of feel sick… Shuichi? Where's Shuichi? Can't he see I need him? What? No! I don't need him! He makes me weak, I don't need him. But…he's a good fuck…that's why I need him. When was the last time I had a good fuck anyway? I wanted one three days ago, but the damn baka wasn't here. Why hadn't I just gone out and found one? Oh yeah, everyone seemed inferior to his tight little ass._

_I heard the door click open and looked over at the door as—oh speak of the devil, it's Shuichi. I composed myself as much as I could, anger coming over me as I saw he looked exactly the same as three days ago, not a mark on him and definitely not hurt. So it had to be that he was cheating on me. Who the hell is he to cheat on _me_? I'm Yuki Eiri! He has no right to cheat on me! _

_I slammed the door shut, his back to me, and watched as he startled and turned around, his violet eyes staring into mine. Our faces were so close…I wanted to fuck him, kiss him, but no, not now. I wanted to know why the hell he didn't call me and who he was with. "Where the hell have you been?" I asked and I saw him tremble beneath my gaze._

_"I-I-I—"_

_Grabbing his shirt and slamming his back into the door, I yelled, "WHERE?"_

_"At Hiro's! He said I should sleep there for a couple days." He cried out._

_Hiro's? Was that slut trying to steal my Shuichi? I knew he was up to no good! Always watching Shuichi, always helping him and comforting him and advising that he leave me. He wanted what was mine, but Shuichi was _mine! _How dare he even think of that! I laughed and took a step back, my composure returning to where I almost felt stable. "Hiro's…you sleeping with him Shu?" _

_He looked shocked at the idea, guess I was right then. He has to be shocked that I even figured it out. That little whore. "No! He thought I should give you a couple days…"_

_"A couple days huh?" Before I could even think about what I was doing, I smacked him hard across the face, making him cry out. Oh, how I wanted to hear that voice as I slammed into his hot body again and again, but he had to learn his place first. Yes, he had to understand where he belonged and to whom. "You belong to me, Shu, and you will _never_ spend the night at his house again." I hissed before kissing him hungrily, biting down on his lip and tasting the sweet blood flowing from the wound I had inflicted. I wonder how he looks with blood flowing from between his legs…_

_Even with blood dribbling down his chin, he protested. "But Yuki!"_

_Did he really want to leave me? Did he really want to be with Hiro instead. No! I wouldn't accept that! Shuichi was mine! MINE! I pushed him to the ground and stood over him, glaring down at him. "I said never Shuichi, I wouldn't want to _hurt_ Hiro now would I?" Oh, I would. I would love to hurt him for even thinking about touching what is mine. I knelt down beside him and lifted a hand to trace those still bleeding lips before kissing him again. Maybe I had been a bit harsh on him… My lips touched his softly, the blood dancing across my tongue, and I wanted more…but he should suffer for fucking with Hiro. _

_"I wouldn't want to hurt _you_ either. You're _mine_ and don't forget it." I rasped and then left. My book still needed to be finished and the damn brat would be there in the morning, I knew he would be. I could barely hear him crying from my office and I snarled at the empty room. Why the hell was he crying now? Couldn't he just shut up for a couple minutes? He deserved this! He was wrong to just do that to me! He said he loved me and yet he cheated on me, therefore he doesn't love me, He can't. He lied._

—**End of Flashback—**

How could I have done that to him? How could he have stayed with me after that? He should be with Hiro! He should love Hiro, not me, but he doesn't love me anyway. He can't. It's impossible for someone like me to be shown love. I had my chance and destroyed it along with my lover. No point in denying it and I know that. I know what I had had at one point and I know what I had lost. I lost the only thing important to my life, the only good thing in my life.

Shuichi.

About time I noticed him…but it was too late now. He doesn't love me and I don't blame him. He was afraid that I would leave him, but how can I leave him when he's already left me? He can't love me, it isn't possible. A monster like me shouldn't be loved. I was born to forever live the rest of my days alone, depressed and cold, I was never meant to experience such things as love, compassion and kindness. No…those belonged to another, just like Shuichi did.

I grabbed my coat and headed out the door barefoot, I didn't even hear his calls for me to come back or his pleas as he fell crying beside the door. He didn't want me and I didn't deserve him. Best to let him go and drown in my agony than to drag him through the same pain I faced throughout my life.

Yet I found myself frozen at the foot of the stairs. I didn't want to leave him damn it! I know I'm being selfish, but I don't want to leave him, I don't want to lose him again. I promised him I'd be there for him, I promised, so why was it that I was running away?

Why? Simple, because I have tortured him enough.

"Yuki!" He cried and I turned to see him gasping for air through his tears beside my door. "Don't leave me, please." He begged, but the words did not seem to reach my mind. My gaze remained upon him, unwavering, and yet his words I could not comprehend. "Please! You promised you wouldn't leave me! You promised!"

I stared at him, stared at the beautiful angel crying before me. I had made him like this, I had caused him pain once again. His pink hair sculpted his heart shaped face, red and wet from crying, and I stared into those violet eyes—eyes I lost myself in so many times—so full of pain and fear. Fear? Fear of what? He deserved better than this.

So much better.

No matter what I did, all I did was hurt him, those eyes were not supposed to be dull and blood shot from crying. No, they're supposed to be vibrant and bright, dancing with mischief and spirit, but I killed that. I killed him. Killed him and left him bleeding on the floor. Always hurt him. Always, always, always.

"I don't deserve you." I whispered.

"I don't care! I don't care if you don't deserve me, just don't leave me again." He screamed.

Why was my head throbbing? I touched my forehead lightly, a small groan coming from my throat, and blinked a couple times to orient myself. Yet when I looked back up, there was not one Shuichi, but two. "Shu-han…?" I whispered. Everything hurt, my head, my stomach…my heart. Why was the floor slanting? I groaned, and grabbed at the rail to steady myself against the abrupt pain I felt. My body suddenly became light as my eyes rolled back and darkness demanding I succumb to it, enshrouding me in its delightful nonexistence.

The last thing I heard as my body hit the ground was an earth shattering shriek, "_YUKI!_"

Dhampir  
Page 7  
5/3/05

* * *

**Note:** Sorry for the long update! I finally decided to write my stories to their seniority because I've been neglecting some of my stories. This is the second for seniority--first is my Gundam Fic. So forgive me for taking so long... Also, I really had no idea where this chapter was going, it started out as Shuichi's fears coming out and somehow migrated to this...hehe. 

Also, -han means soulmate.

**Reviews:**

**SpiritsFlame:** Well, you sorta got your wish, hehe.  
**Tsugath:** Yeah, he sort of ignores Shuichi, as you can see, but not completely.  
**Saint Germain:** Yeah, authors usually hate their own chapters...or at least I think so. Always see the mistakes and everything else...but thank you.  
**Everyone Else:** Thank you for your reviews and I hope you enjoyed this chapter.

GOSH DARN IT, IT WON'T LET ME SPACE WHERE I NEED TO AGAIN! Sorry all...


	9. What Happened?

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters

**Note:** This is the sequel to _Cutting Through It All_ and I urge you to read the prequel before reading this, the characters will be very OOC and there'll be many things that are hard to understood unless you've read the prequel.

**Without You I Am Lost**

_Chapter Nine_

—**Flashback— **

_Sighing, I stared up at the night sky, just another fucking night with me and nicotine. Tohma keeps saying I should quit, but what the hell, I'll die eventually, why not sooner. Not like there's anything for me to live for… One night stands are getting tiring and women just annoy the shit out of me. _

_I lit a cigarette, the only thing that loved me as much as I loved it, and took a deep drag, letting the nicotine calm my nerves down. Why the hell am I nervous? Because I'm contemplating dying early again. Not like anyone would care…well maybe Tohma, but he's got Mika and they'll be better off without me anyway. Of course, I won't be committing suicide, I won't take the coward's way out of life, but maybe I can just speed the rest of my life up a little. _

_Looking over my shoulder, I stare down the path that will take me back to my apartment, but what's the use of going there? It's not like anyone's there waiting for me, of course not, I refuse to let anyone get close. Though its better that way…to get close to me is certain death, I know that now. Yet sometimes I wish there was someone who… No, it's ridiculous to think. _

_Baka Yuki, you know better than to start thinking about things like this. It only leads down a road you don't want to travel again, but…it would be nice if just once someone loved me not because of my money, sex or popularity, but just for me. _

_I shook my head and continued down the path alone and shrouded in darkness, just like my soul. The wind blew lightly around me, rustling my hair and ruffling my Armani suit, not like I cared much, I could afford a couple new ones. Hmm, maybe that's what I'll do tomorrow, I really don't feel like writing tomorrow and Mizuki can wait if she really wants a good story._

_Twenty two years old, sunlight blonde hair, golden eyes, pale skin and a scowl that wasn't ever there six years ago and I didn't have a girlfriend. I had enough one night stands to last me a lifetime and over again, but I could never seem to tolerate anyone longer than a week—two at the most. I always got irritated or annoyed at them and then broke it off, caring less as they cried and screamed obscenities at me. It isn't like they actually _loved_ me, they just liked they were dating a celebrity and nothing more. _

_"Aw shit!" Someone yelled down the path from me, making me look up just in time to see a piece of paper flying towards me. Lifting my hand into the air, I carefully grabbed the edge and pulled it down in front of me, my eyes looking over the words written there. What the hell was this garbage? _These_ are lyrics to a song? This has got to be the worst song I have ever seen written…_

_Not looking up from the paper, I asked, "Is this your writing?" Did he just misspell 'Quiet'? Whoever wrote this can't be that smart…I looked up at the kid before me and quickly took in his appearance. At first glance he almost looked like a girl, round face, big violet eyes and that pink hair! What man has pink hair? But the short sleeved white shirt over top of his green long sleeved shirt and shorts gave away his gender, as well as the orange book bag. How old does he look…sixteen? Seventeen? _

_He looks a little shocked that I spoke to him, he's taking an awful long time to respond. Ah, he squeaked! "Ah…yes." He finally answered. So he isn't a complete idiot. Well, that's a relief._

_I sighed, looking once more over the lyrics, "Worse than an elementary school student. You shouldn't try to write love songs with your lack of skill." I said coldly, letting go of the paper and not even looking to see where it landed. He still seemed to be in shock because he remained silent and just stared passed me while I walked towards him. Stopping just before him, I removed my cigarette, breathing almost into his face and said, "You have zero talent, give it up." Stuffing my hands into my coat pockets, I walked away, not looking back as the boy spun around and stared at my retreating back. _

_"You didn't have to say that!" He yelled, his voice almost whining._

_I couldn't help but smirk. Interesting kid…_

—**Flashback— **

_"Yuki? Do you love me?" _

_I looked over my shoulder at him. What the hell was that fucking brat talking about this time? "What?"_

_Chewing on his lip, he shuffled closer and failingly tried to meet my eyes. "D-do you love me?"_

_There was no way in hell I was dealing with this shit, not today, not with a deadline only days away. What kind of question was this? Who the hell cares? Love? It's just a word someone created to get women into bed, that was all. There is no such thing as love and yet he keeps asking me this. Do I love him? Why the hell does he care if I do or not? I'm feeding him, bedding him, housing him and putting up with his shit, isn't that enough? _

_I looked at his eyes, so full of hope, and sighed. Apparently not. Standing up, I lit a cigarette and passed him by, "Baka." _

_"Yuki! Answer me!" He whined, "I love you, so don't you love me?"_

_I massaged the bridge of my nose with my finger tips. "Can't you ever just be quiet?" I asked. "My deadline is only days away and I still have to finish four chapters."  
"You're never finished in time and it'll take you only a second to answer! Yes or no, do you love me?"_

_"For some fucking reason, I like you, but that is all." I answered and, grabbing a beer from the fridge, retreated to the safety of my study as he just remained where he was with his head bent to the ground. Why all those incessant questions? Why does it matter so much to him?_

—**Flashback— **

_"I want you to come to my concert…if you can that is." He said, standing before me in my study._

_I swiveled my chair around to look at him holding out a piece of paper to me. "Sorry, but I've got a date, and…"_

_"And?"_

_"You can't perform this song live, and who wants to listen to this trash about dying?" He huffed with anger, but stayed silent. For once. He actually looked a little cute when he was trying to glare at me… "You have to be a bit more creative to be a pro, those kind of gloomy songs won't appease anyone, and you haven't realized that yet."_

_He smiled at me, sticking his tongue out as he scratched his head, that baka, and laughed lightly. "Well, that might be it."_

_"Somehow you're interesting…I kinda like you…if you really want to perform live, go ahead." I stood up as he looked at me, full of excitement and happiness. Why's he so fucking happy? "If you can find a girl stupid as you to go with you, because I won't be there." _

_His hands dropped to his sides and he lowered his head to look at the ground. Odd, that look on his face is making me feel so…guilty. "It's all right," he whispered, "I'll go…just go on a date with that girl. She's your lover, right?" I paused, not answering and just waiting. "I'm of no interest to you anyway so…don't come watch us!" He said before running out of the room, leaving me alone with this growing guilt. _

_I must be becoming soft if I'm starting to feel guilty. _

—**Flashback— **

_I stare around the empty room, so empty…just like my heart. I don't deserve happiness like he has given me. All I do is hurt people, hurt them over and over again so I can't be hurt myself, but I'm hurting myself just as much. I…I-I love him. _

_Chuckling, I collapse onto the couch and bury my face into my hands. "I guess the saying 'we hurt the one's we love' is true…" He still hasn't awoken yet, he's still in that fucking coma that _I_ put him in! Why the hell did I hurt him? Why didn't he leave me? Damn it! I fucking _love_ him…I finally find someone I can love and who loves me and what do I do? I hurt him, just like I did to Kitizawa…_

_I was never supposed to have happiness, never. I was supposed to live my life alone and die alone, but I'm selfish and I didn't want to give him up like I knew I should. I knew I was going to hurt him! I knew I was and yet I stubbornly held onto him, I continued to let him come back because I truly wanted him to come back to me always. It never crossed my mind that I…that I could really lose him._

—**Flashback— **

_Groaning, I leaned back into my chair and rubbed the bridge of my nose, removing my glasses. I looked over at the door and frowned, Shuichi still hasn't bothered me yet… Maybe something really was wrong with him? Damn it, I shouldn't have let him sit out there all night, I knew he was going to and it was raining too! But he's too annoying sometimes, why the hell do I keep putting up with that loudmouth brat? All he does is latch onto me and soon he's going to ask for me to write him lyrics, give him money or something—I just know it! _

_Well, I thought while standing up, I might as well find out what's wrong with him. Stepping quietly, I left my study and padded towards the living room where I knew he would be. He never got into my bed without invitation, thankfully, and so when he wasn't there, he was on the couch. _

_I stopped at the doorframe and stared at my baka lover, knowing immediately something was wrong… He was sweating heavily and he looked more flushed than usual. I slowly approached him, the frown on my face becoming more prominent with every step and stopped before him, tapping him on the shoulder. Even his clothes were damp with sweat! But it didn't smell like sex… What the hell was wrong with him?_

_I watched as dark violet eyes looked up at me slowly and blinked a couple times before focusing on me. The baka smiled softly and called my name, but his voice failed him and he didn't seem to have the strength to say much else. Now I know there's something wrong with him. I reached out to touch his forehead and pulled back quickly when I was met with a burning fever. _

_He was sick! Damn it, this is all my fault, I'm the one that left him outside with barely anything to protect him from the cold or the rain. Damn it all! His eyes slid closed again and he slowly opened his chapped lips, breathing slowly and shallowly. _

_"Come on brat." I said, though I couldn't stop the cold edge from coming out as I spoke to him. I lowered my voice and continued, "Let's go to bed." _

_I watched as he laboriously pushed the covers off his body and began to stand. Then I watched as he stumbled and fell to the ground, a weak "Ow…" coming from his lips. Was he really that sick? Ah, the guilt is back again. He seems to have a knack for making me feel guilty, though I guess I really should considering I'm the reason he's ill. _

_Kneeling down on the ground beside him, I wrapped my arms around his fevered body and picked him up, cradling him to my chest. If he's this hot, why the hell is he wearing flannel pajamas? They're soaked with sweat and he's so weak now… Why didn't he tell me he was sick! I shook my head and started towards our room, carefully laying him down and stripping him of his shirt. I looked at his face, not surprised to find him already asleep, and then stripped off my shirt before carefully laying down beside him so not to wake him._

_Why was I feeling like this? The guilt I could understand, but was I really worried about him? Why am I being so cautious so not to wake him? It's just a fever damn it, it isn't like he's going to die from it! But…why am I worrying that I may not ever see him again? Don't I want him gone? I always kick him out and tell him to get the hell out of my house, and yet I always take him back. _

_Yet…looking down at his sweat slick face is making my heart jump. If it was true I wanted him gone then why am I lying here next to him? Why am I calling it 'our' room instead of mine like it is? I should've just left him out there in the living room on the couch, but…for some reason I couldn't just leave him there and now I can't stop the ache in my heart when I see what I've done to him. Yet even with his pink hair sticking to the side of his face with sweat and his breaths coming in short gasps, he still looked peaceful lying next to me, so peaceful and even…happy._

_Shaking my head, I wrapped my arms around his torso and pulled him back against my chest, burying my face into the nape of his neck. Maybe I should be nicer to him… After all, it's because of me that he's so sick now. At least I can keep him safe if he's right beside me, always beside me. _

—**Flashback— **

_I groaned, did she ever shut up? I don't want to see my father, I don't want to see Ayaka, and I don't want anything to do with my father or family. I just want them all to leave me alone, but of course, that's too much to ask. Sitting on my couch, I crossed my legs and ran my left hand through my hair as I continued to listen to her. Something about father needing to talk to me and…oh, who the hell cares? I'm sick of listening to her. _

_Standing up, I left my flat, stepping onto the elevator and closing the door before she had a chance to follow me. I could still hear her yelling at me from outside the elevator, damn she could be loud! Sisters, why the hell was I cursed with one? I didn't wait for her to catch up to me as I stepped off the elevator and exited the building; I wanted to be far away by the time she got down here. I pushed the doors open and—_

_Hold on, who was that? Pink hair, tan skin and I bet he has violet eyes. What the hell was that kid doing here this time? Looks like he's about to buzz someone…_

_"What are you doing there?" I called, shoving my hands into my pockets. He gasped and spun around to look at me, his eyes wide and mouth slightly open. Damn those eyes, I can't seem to get over how beautiful they are nor can I stop looking at them. Shit, stop thinking about his fucking eyes! He seemed a bit lost for words and I couldn't keep the smirk off my lips as my eyes closed. Looks like I get to have some fun… "You were longing to see me that much?"_

_"The heck!" He almost yelled. So maybe not. "I'm here to challenge you! I don't know about you being an author or whatever, but you should listen to my song!"_

_"Eiri!" Aw, shit, just what I need…I didn't even turn as the door opened and my wonderful sister appeared. "Wait a second! Eiri!" She suddenly stopped to stare at Shuichi and then looked back to me, asking carefully, "Who is this kid?"_

_She wanted to know did she? "Well," I said, walking towards the baka and throwing my arm around his shoulder, his back against me. "Let's go, Shuichi."_

_"Huh?" He looked around confused as I smirked at my sister, not letting go of him. "E-eh?"_

_"I have a date with him today." I closed my eyes and brought my other hand up to rest on his shoulder while he just stood there. "Why, he's such a cutie." _

_"Who are you calling—" He began to threaten, but I tightened my hold on him and rested my chin on his shoulder as he continued to look lost, quickly silencing him. His scent was intoxicating to my senses and I couldn't stop the shiver from running up my spine as I continued to cling to him. Why…why don't I want to let go of him?_

_"I can't help it, he's so stubborn. Shuichi is." I smiled and leaned my head towards his, nuzzling him. "And that's what makes him so cute though, right?" Suddenly turning serious, I glared at him and whispered so my sister couldn't hear, "Say a word and I'll kill you."_

_I think his eyes got even wider as he made some kind of whiny noise and tensed beneath my touch. Shit, like I'd really kill him, he's not even worth the trouble of going through that, but hey, it effectively shut him the fuck up._

_Mika crossed her arms, not moved by my display. "I see. So, he's more important to you than I am?" She asked, looking annoyed._

_I met her head on and said coldly, "That's right." Watching the hurt spread across her face didn't even make me feel the slightest bit guilty and if I had to do it all over again, I wouldn't change a fucking thing. _

_She finally turned away, muttering, "Baka," as she headed back towards her car. I clung to Shuichi until she was finally out of sight, both of us watching her retreating back. I kept telling myself to let go of the boy, but even after she was gone, I found I couldn't release him immediately._

_"Are you sure it's okay to let her go?" Why the hell is he concerned about her?_

_"It's fine." I said coolly, reluctantly letting go of his warm, slender body. He almost seemed to fit perfectly against me…why the hell am I thinking about this?_

_He clenched his fist and glared at me, "But that's not right! Her feelings were hurt." _

_Well, I must say, this is a first. Not many people would stand up to me, even those who knew me all their lives. "Yup, she's angry." I muttered before walking back to my apartment. Now that she was gone, all I have to do is get rid of baka boy here and then I can start writing again. Yet…I couldn't resist teasing him just a little more and I needed to know. From the first two times I saw him, I had the feeling he might like me or at least find me attractive… "But, isn't that good for you? Aren't you happy?" _

_"What do you mean by that?" He demanded. _

_I turned to look at him, my voice and eyes revealing nothing as I stated bluntly, "Aren't you attracted to me?" He gasped lightly at my accusation, but didn't deny it. Why knowing that makes my heart flutter? He bowed his head and didn't answer me, but that alone was answer enough. "So? When is your concert?" _

_"The seventeenth, Zepp Tokyo." That's the quietest I've heard his voice yet._

_Smirking, I asked, "You want me to come and listen to that crappy love song?" Again, he refused to answer me. "What, aren't you going to deny it?" I taunted. "You're not serious about wanting me then."_

_His eyes narrowed and he looked up, 'That's not right!"_

_"Well I am sorry, find someone else. I don't make it my hobby to hang around with other guys." I said before turning away. Now he should just leave me alone, I've turned him down and most likely embarrassed and angered him. I'm a complete jerk._

_"Wait." He whispered, but I didn't. Pushing the button for the elevator, I watched the doors open and stepped on. "Wait a sec! Hey!" Damn it, didn't this kid ever go away? I don't think he's understanding the silent treatment here…I pushed the button for my floor and closed my eyes as I waited for the doors to close. But the doors never closed and the elevator didn't start moving. I didn't need a second guess to know why as the boy yelled, "Jerk! Who told you to come to my concert? Don't get any wrong ideas!" _

_Did this idiot ever stop talking? _

_"Do you even understand my song?" _

_Not with that horrible handwriting. _

_"If you think its garbage, you can just forget about it! You have nothing to do with it! Why do you have to say such things?" He demanded, my temper rising. "Why do you have to say such provocative—" Wow, he used a big word there…I'm impressed, not and I've had enough of this. "—words…" He suddenly stopped when I opened my eyes and focused my gaze on him._

_"Shut your mouth." I said, walking towards him and making him step back. The elevator doors began to close again. I hated these questions, I hated _him_, I didn't want to be reminded of _him! _Pinning him against the wall, I laid my hand next to his head and made him look up at me. "You're pissing me off. You keep asking 'why, why?'_ He_ always asked me the same thing." And I don't fucking want to think about _him._ I couldn't seem to keep the anger out of my voice and I think he was genuinely surprised to see what my glare looked like. "Indeed," I continued, "why are you asking me why? Why do you keep coming to see me again and again? Why are you looking at me like that?" His eyes were so large, so full of innocence and purity, not like mine, no, never like mine. What was it about this kid that made me so agitated? Made me feel again? There was something different about this kid when I looked at him. _

_True, he keeps reminding me of _him_ and he's not that smart, but something about him makes me want…want to… Before I could stop myself, I found myself leaning closer to him, whispering, "Oh well," just before I kissed him, making him jump beneath my lips._

_He really is an interesting kid._

—**Flashback— **

_The frown on his lips made him irresistibly cute as I looked at him from over my menu and I couldn't help but smirk. He was just too cute when he was thinking hard or heard something he didn't completely understand. "W-what are you going to get?" He finally asked, just as I expected him to._

_I smiled and sat down my menu, "Keiji!" I called and the dark haired man appeared from around the corner. "Order everything."  
"Everything?" Keiji gaped._

_"Not large portions, but we want to try everything." I repeated, leaving no alternative. _

_"H-hai." He said and quickly retreated to the kitchen to report his order. I grinned and turned to Shuichi who was now staring openly at me in shock. _

_"What?"_

_"You just ordered everything on the menu so I could try it?" He whispered, his eyes never leaving mine._

_"Why not? I'm rich, I've got enough money to spend it on anything I want, buy anything I want and give it to anyone I want so why not on you?" I asked._

_He began tearing up and I couldn't help but frown, concern already welling up within me. What did I do? Why's he crying now? I hate it when he cries! It makes me feel so guilty and I can't take it. Damn it, why is he crying? "Oh Yuki! I can't believe you'd do that for me!"_

_All my concern was washed away and replaced with annoyance and fondness. The damn baka just made me panic because he was happy. "Baka…" I whispered, rolling my eyes. _

_"Eiri-san, the cook says you're meals will be out soon, but please be patient since you have just ordered everything." Keiji said, setting down six types of wine as well as four or five different mixed drinks. "Enjoy…and expect a large bill." He winked before disappearing again._

_I waited a couple minutes, idly chatting with Shuichi about random things…I can't really remember, I was too busy looking at his body. Damn, it's hot. Even hotter in black against his dark pink hair…it's a miracle I didn't start salivating all over the table. I couldn't help but notice how his fingers interlocked and unlocked as he talked, how his lips quirked in a small smile and how his eyes glowed in the candlelight, such a vibrant violet that I had never seen before. I just listened and smiled, taking in how his lashes fluttered when he blinked and how his tongue flicked out to lick his lips every couple seconds, how his hair followed his every movement when he would suddenly look to his left or tilt his head and how the light illuminated his lightly tanned skin. He looked absolutely gorgeous. _

_I finally stood up, much to his surprise, and grinned while he just stared up at me confused. I suddenly bowed at the waist, one arm resting against my abs while my other arm swept outwards, and asked, "May I have this dance?" I stood back up, holding out my hand and waited, praying he would accept._

_He gaped…again. "You want to dance with me? With them?" _

_"With them? I want to dance with you, I could care less about them." I snorted, slightly becoming afraid he was going to say no. Damn it! I am not afraid, not afraid, not afraid, not afraid. I'm afraid. I never knew a date could be this stressful. Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it! _

_He hesitantly took my hand, apparently still in shock that I want to dance with him in front of everyone else. Well, fuck everyone else. I slowly led him towards the dance floor, smiling brightly, and let him decide how he wanted to dance. He licked his lips again, I think it's a nervous habit of his, and wrapped his arms around my neck. I followed suit, placing mine around his waist and began to sway with him, my eyes only on him. The light blush on his cheeks made him all the more adorable and I had to fight the urge to kiss him with almost every step we took. I just wanted to ravage his mouth right there on the dance floor, then press him against the nearest wall and let him feel what he was doing to me before—Stop, stop, stop! _

_ I took a deep breath and tried to keep my mind out of the gutter and away from how his fingers tickled my neck and how sexy he'd look with the first three buttons undone, showing his hairless chest and light skin, damn…I'm getting hard again and he's pressed against me. I could feel his breath on my neck, his eyes still locked on mine, still searching for something I couldn't see. I still wonder how I was with him, on a date, slow dancing with him as if it were normal. All odds were against this, there was no reasonable explanation for me being here with him, but I didn't question it, I just went with it. If it meant I could have my pink haired baka back, I won't question it one bit. _

_I tightened my hold around him, bringing him closer to me for the first time in a year. I closed my eyes, breathing in his scent, drinking in his warmth and finding a peace that I only ever felt around him. His head fell to rest on my chest and I somehow ended up with my head resting on his, both of us tightening our holds on each other. I wanted to tell him so bad right then, just how much I loved him, how much I've missed him, how sorry I am, how stupid I am and how much I want to have him back with me, but it wasn't the time. This was our first date; our first real date and I wanted to do things correctly this time, no matter how hard it was. So I just held him, rocking back and forth with him in my arms as I've yearned to do for so long now, and was content. _

—**Flashback— **

_SLAM! "Yuki! I'm home! How was your day? Yuki, where are you? Yuki! Answer me!" He whined and I could hear him searching through the house, trying to find me. Scowling was all I could do to keep from smiling and shaking my head. _

_"Here baka." I said, exiting the bathroom in nothing but a towel, which was slung over my neck. _

_I saw him stop just at our bedroom door and turn to look at me, his mouth falling open when he saw me. "Yuki…" He said, his eyes raking over my body and him practically salivating over what he saw. _

_I quirked an eyebrow and stood still to let him inspect me to his satisfaction, as I inspect him. My eyes started on his pink hair and moved slowly down. His violet eyes were focused on my body and quickly filling with lust and I focused on that pink tongue that kept flitting in and out to lick his dry lips. He still hadn't noticed my gaze on him, which was all the better since I couldn't keep the smirk off my face anymore, and continued down. The white button down shirt he was wearing had come halfway unbuttoned, showing a wonderful expanse of perfect tanned skin that was begging for me to just explore it and the pants he was wearing left nothing to the imagination. They hugged his slim waist and fit tightly to his body, showing off every delicious curve, especially the one growing between his legs. _

_He didn't seem to notice as I moved closer to him, not even trying to cover my own rising excitement. "See something you like Shu?" I whispered hotly._

_His eyes snapped up to meet my face now only a couple feet away from him and he answered intelligently, "Huh?" Well, I never agreed to be his lover because of his brain… _

_I snorted and closed the distance between us even as he walked backwards with each step I took until I had him pushed against the wall. "Do you see something you like?" I asked again, smirking as he suddenly began to blush bright red. Two years of being with me and he still isn't over blushing at any sexual thought or connotation. But it did make him temptingly cute as well…When he blushed like that; I found it even harder to keep my hands off of him._

_Pushing our groins against each other, I smirked as he gasped and moved down to look into his eyes. I stayed silent as he nibbled on his bottom lip and blushing even more at our close proximity. "Y-yes…" He whispered almost inaudibly._

_Oh, that won't do at all, he's a loudmouth baka who can scream his lungs out during sex and I must say, I think he's made me deaf. "What was that Shu?" I asked, rolling my hips, the towel falling off my shoulders and to the floor silently._

_"Yes." He whispered again._

_Thrusting lightly against him, I nipped at his lips. "Still can't hear you…"_

_"I said 'Yes'! Yes, I see something I like!" He almost screamed. _

_I backed away, "That wasn't so hard now, was it?" I asked before turning away from him and, throwing the towel over my shoulder, walked back towards the bathroom._

_"EH?" I heard him whine, "Yuki! Where are you going?" _

_"To finish my shower." I answered before shutting the door and leaning back against it, almost not stopping my laughter. _

_Two seconds later, there was a pounding at the door and an annoyed voice yelling from the other side, "Yuki! Yuki! Yuki! Yuki! Get out here! Yuuuuki! You can't just leave like that! If you don't get out here soon I'll…I'll…" _

_I shook my head as I laughed silently and just waited for him to figure out what he wanted to say. Damn, it was too fun to tease him like this, he was so easy to bait and lead on. Of course I'm coming out in a minute, there's no way I'm passing up the opportunity to fuck him into the bed._

_"I'll come in there!" _

_Oh, great threat there Shu-chan. _

_"Yuki! Are you listening to me?"_

_Unfortunately yes._

_"Answer me Yuki!" He whined again, still pounding on the door. "Yuki, come out! Come out, come out, come out!" He rattled the door handle, oh, finally, he's getting a little smarter. Of course, the door's open and yet he's not trying to open the door, just rattling the knob. What's he doing? Trying to scare me out? "Yuuuki." He whined my name again, I hate when he does that because for some reason it turns me on even more. _

_I finally turned around and opened the door to be met with a very horny boy. He didn't even give me the chance to leave the bathroom before he jumped into my arms and wrapped his legs around my waist and began grinding against me. _

_With a sadistic smile, I carried him to our bedroom, tearing off his shirt in the process and then laid us both out on the bed, Shuichi beneath me. He was already thrusting up against me and I had yet to even grind against him once, horny baka. Looking down at his tan body, I could feel myself getting harder; yup, I definitely didn't fuck him for his intelligence. _

_Shuichi wrapped his arms around my neck and reached up to kiss me deeply, our tongues dancing with each other until I pulled away. He moved my bangs out of my eyes and smiled softly up at me, his eyes softening and the lust dying to be replaced by something else. "I love you Yuki…" He whispered to me and all I could do is stare down at him, trying to comprehend what he meant by those three words. _

_"I love you…"_

—**End of Flashbacks—**

"I love you…" The words fell from my lips in a small whisper, my voice hoarse and soft. Groaning, I pushed myself off the floor, but what I felt beneath my hand wasn't the hard floor but cotton sheets and a soft mattress beneath it. I shook my head lightly, lifting my other hand to touch my throbbing temple, but that just made my headache worse—when did I get a headache?

Opening my eyes, I blinked repeatedly until I could focus on the room around me and groaned again when I saw I was in a hospital room. What the hell happened? I remember seeing Shuichi and… did we fight? No, I asked him something…why was I having trouble remembering this? I asked him…asked him what? Then we fought. No, he didn't answer me…didn't answer what…? Then…then I walked away, but why does my heart hurt? Why can't I remember? I remember hearing him yell something at me and everything spinning, but after that I can't remember anything…

"Eiri-san? Eiri-san, can you hear me?"

"What happened?" I asked, the light too blinding for me to see exactly who it was. "And will someone turn off the damn lights?" I snapped.

Almost immediately the lights dimmed and I turned to look up at my best friend, unfortunately for both of us, Seguchi Tohma. The blonde keyboardist had always been there for me when I needed him or not, but sometimes he overstepped his boundaries, especially when it came to Shuichi and me. "Eiri-san!" He said, relief evident in his voice, "We were so worried!"

My eyes narrowed and I demanded, "Why?"

"You…" I saw him hesitating and intensified my glare, "You had a heart attack Eiri-san, and fell down the stairs… Fortunately you didn't break anything, though the doctor said you have a concussion and will most likely experience some short term memory problems for a while."

Ah, that explains why I can't remember what exactly happened between Shuichi and me. "Water." I whispered, my throat burning with every word and every breath.

Tohma quickly filled a glass of water and held it to my lips, letting me take small sips and nothing else until I had my fill.

"Where's the doctor?" I demanded immediately, not giving him to start some small talk or pamper me.

He sighed and, putting down my half empty glass, pushed a button next to my bedside to summon a nurse. The woman must've come running because seconds later a nurse stood in the doorway, demanding to know what was wrong. "He's awakened and wants to speak to the doctor." Tohma said with his cheerful smile, his hands folded behind his back.

She nodded and disappeared out the door again to find my doctor while two other people entered the room. Wonderful, just who I wanted to see: My older, worrisome sister and my younger, sarcastic brother.

"Tohma, did I just hear you say he's awake?"

"Yes you did." I answered for him, rubbing my temple. Go away you damn headache!

"Eiri! Thank Kami-sama you're okay. We were becoming so worried." Mika said, coming to my side, to grab my hand.

Tatsuha smirked, "About time you woke up, aniki."

"And how long, pray tell, have I been out?"

"Two days…" Tohma said, looking towards the door as I watched Hiro, Suguru, K and Mizuki walk in.

"Yuki-san!" Mizuki smiled, "I rushed right over when I heard you had a heart attack… we were all so worried and you've gotten lots of fan mail since then. It seems even though you've stopped publishing books for the moment, you're still very popular."

I closed my eyes and sighed, I could care less about this shit. Just get me the fucking doctor and leave me the hell alone. The only other person that needs to join this circus is—

"Did he awaken yet?"

—my father.

"Yes, tou-san, he's awakened." Mika answered.

"Good, then we can leave."

"Yes, please do." I muttered.

"I didn't have to come down here at all!" He snarled and I knew he was glaring at me without even having to look at him.

"The only reason you came was because Mika begged you too and we both know it." I growled, opening my eyes to focus on my father's face. Bald, beady black eyes and sagging skin, he was not something I was looking forward to looking like. One reason I didn't want to be a monk.

"I'm leaving."

I removed my hand from Mika's and placed it to my forehead again, saying, "Have a nice trip then." He harrumphed and quickly left, not saying another word. Not like I cared anyway, we never did get along well and then since our last…reunion turned out to be a complete disaster, we were barely tolerating each other.

"I hear our celebrity has awakened." A smooth voice said, breaking the silence, and I looked up at the young doctor before me. Black hair, thin glasses, a white lab jacket and black slacks made him look like the poster boy for doctors. With what I guessed was my records tucked underneath one arm, he approached my bedside and began prodding me, much to my distaste. "Well, everything seems to be in working order…"

"I'm fine. Just tell me the prognosis." I glared.

The man laughed lightly, shaking his head. "All right. I'm Doctor Teniki and I've been treating you since you came in." Taking out the clip board from beneath his arm, he flipped through the pages while looking over me. "Well, might as well get the worst news out first!" He grinned, which just made me all the more irritated. "You know you had a heart attack, correct?"

"Yeah."

"Well, after the initial heart attack, you experienced a minor stroke…"

"Which means…?" I wasn't liking how he paused.

He sighed and looked over his notes again. "You have no speech impediment resulting from the stroke and from what we can tell, it only affected your left leg, but not seriously. After therapy you'll most likely only walk with a slight limp, but you will walk again Yuki-san."

I'll walk again, but with a fucking limp like some invalid. Just great.

"You also had a concussion when you came in," he continued, "but I believe the danger has passed; tell me, do you feel light headed? Does the light hurt your eyes? Do you have a headache?"

"Yes, yes and yes."

"That's quite normal when you receive a concussion and you'll most likely experience such things for the next week or so, but don't worry about it, it'll pass."

"You better take notes aniki since your memory's all fucked up now." Tatsuha so helpfully interjected.

I just ignored him and waited for the Teniki to continue. "I'm guessing you know about the loss of your short term memory…your brother does have a point. For the next couple weeks it'd be better if you wrote down everything that happened in your day just in case you forget something. Just keep a journal and update it hourly.'

I snorted and crossed my arms, but I didn't rebuke. "Water." I said for the second time and a glass of water appeared before my lips once again. Taking longer, slower sips this time, I finished the glass and finally looked around the room closely. Some others had appeared while the doctor was speaking, but still one person was missing, the one person I truly wanted to see.

"Eiri?" Mika asked when she saw my frown and searching eyes.

I looked at Hiro and asked, "Where's Shuichi?"

There was a long pause as everyone refused to meet my gaze and it was finally Tatsuha who answered me, "Shuichi's gone."

Dhampir

Page 13

5/31/05

Flashbacks:

Series, Episode One

My own—not in any stories

OVA 2

My own—not in any stories

_Cutting Through It All_—Chapter One, Yuki's POV

Series, Episode One

_Without You I Am Lost_—Chapter One

My own—not in any stories

**Note:** I just want to apologize for taking so long to update! First it was exams, then my computer refuses to connect to the internet and then I left for a week… Anyway, my laptop still refuses to connect to the internet so my updates will most likely not be as quick, but I haven't forgotten my stories and am still working on them. Sorry for the inconvenience and I hope everyone liked this chapter.

All right people, stupid fanfiction refuses to let me preview my document before posting it, so, I'm just posting it up. Sorry for any errors and crap, but my computer's being stupid and I'm going to go hurt something now. Anyway, sorry again and please ignore the errors.


	10. Gone

**Disclaimer: **I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** This is the sequel to _"Cutting Through It All"_. Much of this story is based upon what happened in the prequel and the characters will seem very OOC unless you've read the prequel first. So please, before continuing with my sequel, please read _"Cutting Through It All" _first.

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Ten_

I didn't know two words could be so painful, I felt half of me die with them, my soul ripped apart by those simple words. The heart attack was barely a scratch to the emotional and physical pain I felt now, with those two small words I felt my heart die, not just stop. What did Tatsuha mean that Shuichi is gone? That my boyfriend, my lover, my heart, is gone?

My hand clutched at my heart, the pain there was unbearable to my soul, and took a shuddering breath. Before Shuichi came into my life I lived in the past, I didn't want to know the present or even think about the future. Everything I did was because I was still in the past, I refused to let anyone near me because I didn't want to be hurt again, I refused to love because I thought Kitizawa was the one I loved and I refused to acknowledge the wonder before me because I was afraid. Afraid of loving, of being loved and of being hurt again, but Shuichi dragged me away from my self loathing and showed me what the present and future had to offer me. He showed me how to love and became my heart, the one who possessed me heart, mind and soul because my heart, my soul and my life are his.

Now he's gone? My heart is gone? I can't live without him and I don't want to. He always thought he was the one who needed me when it was truly I who needed him. Always needing him…

"Eiri? Eiri are you alright?" Mika's voice broke through my brother's words that had been resonating in my mind.

"What—" I cleared my throat and looked at Hiro. If anyone knew anything about Shuichi, it was Hiro. "What do you mean he's gone?"

Mika bit her lip and looked to her husband. "I don't think this is the best time to discuss this."

"He needs to know." Tatsuha protested, "I mean, we are talking about his lover here."

"I agree with Tatsuha, he has a right to know." Hiro added.

"I just don't think it should be right now." My older, stubborn sister…what a pain.

I opened my mouth to speak, but was cut off by Suguru. "We have to tell him eventually."

Again, I was cut off by my wonderful sister, "He just woke up, the stress will be too much for him right now."

"Mika, maybe it's best if he knows now…" Shit, it's got to be bad if Tohma is agreeing with everyone else.

Grinding my teeth with annoyance, I asked darkly, "Where is Shuichi, Tat?"

"I'm trying to protect my brother, that's all!" Mika cried, "I don't want to lose him again. Once is enough, but twice? Twice now we've almost lost him!"

"And I'm just trying to keep my life. Oh, and it's thrice now." Tatsuha corrected and I couldn't help but smirk. Once almost to insanity after being sold by Kitizawa and committing murder, once almost when I ran from Shuichi and almost committed suicide and now once by heart attack.

"Shut up."

"Yes, thank you." I said, louder this time, "Everyone shut up and tell me where the fuck Shuichi is and what you mean by 'gone'."

"How can you be so cruel?" Tatsuha asked, pretending to be wounded, "I'm on your side here!"

"Then _fucking_ tell me!" I roared. "Stop dancing around my fucking question and answer it. What do you mean Shuichi is gone?"

I think I honestly surprised everyone by my anger, not many had seen me so enraged, and everyone fell silent. All eyes turned to Hiro, who was lurking somewhere against the wall, and I looked impatiently at the red head.

"We don't know." He whispered. "He called an ambulance and told them what happened and then fell silent. The police found him curled up in your room crying about how…how he killed you. They called me when he asked them to and I took him back to my place, though that was a task in its own. He wouldn't even look at you and refused to go with the ambulance, he was certain you were dead.

"He kept repeating that he had killed you and then locked himself in my room, refusing to speak…He disappeared yesterday morning and no one's heard from him since. I've been looking for him around here, but he's gone and I only stayed here long enough to tell you this. You had a right to know after all." He bowed his head, his hands clutched in angry fists, and then stormed out, shouldering people out of the way.

"He's running away." I whispered to myself, running away, just like I had done two years ago when Shuichi was raped.

"We've already put out police reports to inform them of his disappearance, but there's not much they can do since he's an adult and we have no reason to believe it was abduction." Tohma speaking of course. "No one has seen head or hair of him since yesterday, Eiri-san, and from the looks of it, he's not coming back."

I slowly looked up at the older blonde. "Not coming back?"

"His apartment's cleaned out…"

Just like I had done when I never thought I'd come back. No, this was too much, the thought of losing him again...it's too painful. "Get out." I whispered. "Just…get out."

"Eiri—" Mika started, but Tohma laid a hand on her shoulder and silenced her.

"I believe it's time we went home. We'll come back tomorrow Eiri-san." He gave me that soft smile that I hated, that smile that told me he knew exactly what I was feeling and what I was thinking.

"Leave…please." My head was throbbing, too much happened in too many days. Shuichi left, why? Why did he leave? Why did he think that I was dead? That he killed me? What happened two days ago that made him want to leave me? How can I fix it if I don't know how it broke?

I didn't even look up when their steps faded and the door closed, shrouding me in darkness. How fitting. I feel so lost now, so alone and…cold. When was the last time I felt cold? It seems so long ago now, I had forgotten just how bitter the cold can be inside of me, how cruel it is and just how much it hurts.

God Shuichi, I need you so damn bad! I'm a master romance novelist but I can't even fix our own relationship… Why did you leave? I raked back my hair and let my head fall back onto the pillow, my eyes closing. I need that damn baka, I depend on him to stabilize my own life because I can't seem to keep it together on my own. I never really have…

My entire life has revolved around a constant nicotine obsession and drugs, since I was sixteen I needed those drugs to keep me from going insane from the nightmares, needed them to let me sleep peacefully at night and hold the frayed threads of my sanity in tact. But when Shuichi came into my life, I found I no longer needed those drugs to keep Kitizawa from my dreams, to keep him in the past…all I needed was him beside me. All I needed was his love, his smile, his voice, his essence and I could rest peacefully knowing everything would be well in the end.

So is this the end then?

No. No, I refuse to let it be the end, I refuse to let him walk away and disappear as I had tried once before. This time it was my chance to save him, to chase after him and find him like he found me, this time it will be me who will come to him.

* * *

The next two weeks passed quickly, I had to remain bedridden for four days before I was allowed to move to a chair, with the help of two nurses of course. I refused to let my mind remain idle and ordered Tohma to bring in my laptop so I could work on my novel—or at least that's what I told him. I truly hadn't even touched my novel since I had awakened, the once never leaving ideas were no where to be found and all I could see was bright violet eyes, a silly smile, tan skin and a mop of pink hair.

When there was no one around, I connected to the internet with my wireless connection and searched for any signs from Shuichi. Being a celebrity had some good perks to it at least, I searched and called every hotel, motel and boarding home for even a clue to where my lover had gone, but so far there was nothing… He had covered his trail well and disappeared without a single trace. For all I know, he could already be dead, slit his wrists, his throat or even overdosed on medication. Damn it! Every time I begin thinking about him, I start thinking about the worst ways he could die or about how I'm just sitting in here while he might already be dead.

Hiro is gone, he left the next morning to start his search for Shuichi. Apparently he only stayed around here long enough to tell me what happened and then took off looking for his best friend once more. At least there was someone who knew him out there searching… Tohma had a company to run, Mika spent her days with me much to my annoyance, Suguru did…something…and K was just sitting around cleaning his gun.

I stared at the blinking bar before me, that black little bar that I rarely saw blinking because usually I was typing something, but this time all it did was blink. There was nothing to write, nothing to do except to try and find Shuichi, the only thought that stayed with me. I rested my hands on the keyboard and closed my eyes, waiting for the words to flow through me and into my fingertips.

Opening my eyes, I looked down at the same damn blinking bar. Doesn't the fucking thing stop for once? Does it have to keep blinking like that? Slamming my laptop shut, I shoved it away and crossed my arms, my gaze falling onto my sister sitting next to me. "Where's the fucking therapist?" I asked, my voice tinged with annoyance.

"She comes at the same time every day Eiri, two p.m. and it's only one thirty."

"Just give me a fucking wheel chair and let me out of here."

"The doctor wants to watch over you for a couple days to monitor your heart and blood pressure."

"And he has been, for two weeks!"

Mika sighed and moved a stray hair behind her ear. She was used to this by now, I'd been fighting the doctor's orders for a week and a half now and no one was happy about it, especially me. I want to be out there looking for Shuichi, I want to be useful instead of just being stuck in this damn bed waiting for the damn therapist to come and help me walk again.

Yeah, walk again. My left leg was 'slightly' damaged, meaning the muscles atrophied at an accelerated rate and have no strength to flex, bend or move. My right leg is wonderful, it's just dandy, but my left refuses to move correctly, the muscles there completely useless. In two weeks, I've gotten to the point where I can flex my toes with a lot of pain—go me. At this rate by the time I get out of this damn hospital, Shuichi will be dead from old age…

"Don't you have anything better to do?" I asked with a sigh, looking to my right to stare out the window. Such a beautiful day…the sun was a breathtaking orange, fiery and blazing, and I could see the slight breeze that rustled the trees with just the softest touch. I smirked, Shuichi would be bouncing up and down, grabbing my hand to drag me outside, saying something about how we have to enjoy such a day. He always was an outdoors kind of person… We should've done more outdoors things instead of always staying inside.

I grabbed the notebook next to me and flipped open to today, skimming everything I wrote down. I keep forgetting that the therapist comes at two p.m., I always forget it, just like I forget that today is Thursday and it's the fourteenth of June. If I didn't write everything down like the doctor had told me, I'd still think it was the beginning of June and Saturday… I still have to have someone tell me every morning why I'm in the hospital and it scares me. What am I going to do when I leave the hospital and start searching for Shuichi? Am I going to forget where I am and why I'm searching? Who I'm searching for?

I still can't remember what exactly happened that night…damn, I can barely remember what Mika just told me. It's worse in the mornings though, after I sleep and awaken, I can barely remember a single thing that's happened for the past two weeks. I read this fucking notebook every morning so I know what's been happening in my life because I can't remember it and then I pick it up from there, writing in an entry every hour about what I remember and then having someone—usually Mika—tell me if I forgot anything.

"Eiri? Eiri, the therapist is here."

I looked up at my sister, startled, and then at the young woman standing behind her. Blonde hair, green eyes and a nice smile, she's beautiful by far, but she's nothing compared to my Shuichi. "What?"

"Hi Yuki-san, do you remember me?" The woman said, smiling.

I stared at her for a long time before saying, "Not really." There was something familiar about her, but I couldn't place it…

The woman sighed and shook her head, "Well then, I'm Marie, I'm from the United States and transferred over here to study abroad. I'm your therapist Yuki-san."

"Oh."

"Why don't we start with some memory exercises first?" She asked, still smiling. Will she stop smiling, it's irritating me for some fucking reason. I watched silently as she sat down beside me and took out a stack of cards. "Do you know what we're going to do Yuki-san?"

"It's a memory game."

"Right! Just tell me what order I'm putting them in, okay?"

I narrowed my eyes, but nodded. Did we do this every day? She shuffled six cards in front of me and then laid them down on the edge of my bed. I watched as she stacked them randomly and then waited for me to answer. "Six, nine, two, ten, four, one."

"Good!" She set that pile aside and started a new one.

"Three, seven, fourteen, eight, five, seventeen."

"Very good Yuki-san." She began again, setting that pile aside as well.

"Twenty, nineteen, thirteen, zero, twelve, eighteen."

"Now, can you remember what was in the first pile Yuki-san?"

I stared at her, she wants me to remember what's in the first fucking pile? "No."

"Can you remember any numbers?"

"…three…six…one."

She picked up the pile and skimmed through them, sighing, "Well, he got two of them at least."

I growled, "Well, no fucking surprise! Who the fuck can remember the first six numbers in some fucking pile when you have to recite twelve other numbers?"

"This is just a test Yuki-san." She protested.

Throwing the cards off my bed, I yelled, "I'm not a fucking five year old learning his numbers!"

"Eiri!" Mika yelled.

She barely looked phased by my temper, "Then tell me what my name is Yuki-san."

"Why?"

"Can you remember my name?"

"It's…Mary."

She smiled, "Close enough, it's Marie."

I rolled my eyes, "Can we just get on with this? I've better things to do than play mind games."

"And what are you going to do if you always are experiencing short term memory Eiri?" My sister asked.

"I'll do what I do for a living, write."

"You can't live like that!"

"Why not? Other people do." I snapped. "Just give me a fucking wheelchair, a cane or crutches and let me out of here."

"And what are you going to do?" Mika asked.

"Look for Shuichi."

"Oh, you're going to do that when you can't even remember where you are every morning?"

"I don't need to know where I am, as long as I'm searching."

"And how are you going to know where to search if you don't know where you've been?"

"I'll keep track of it!"

"Right. Tell me, Eiri, how can you search for him if you don't even know he's gone?"

"I know he's gone because I can feel it here." I said, my hand thumping against my heart. "I feel it here, right here. I know every morning I wake up that he's gone. Yeah, so my memory is shot to hell and my leg is fucked up, but I _know_ he's not here, I can feel it."

Mika didn't say anymore, she just stared at me as if she'd never seen me in her life. Maybe she hadn't, I'm acting so different… She sighed and sat down, looking up at the television instead of watching me, for once keeping her opinion to herself.

Marie looked from my sister to me, uncertain of where she should stand or what she should do. Apparently she decided though because she smiled down at me and clapped her hands, "Okay, how about this? We'll start your leg exercises and by the end of our session, you can see if you can remember my name, okay?"

I snorted and crossed my arms, but didn't say anything. Whatever, as long as it gets me out of here faster, she can do whatever the hell she wants to.

Her smile faltered for a second before she sighed and stretched her fingers. Apparently my silence killed her enthusiasm, thankfully. "Okay then! I'm going to start off with a massage and I need you to tell me where it hurts the most." I watched silently as she moved back the covers and touched her cool hands to my leg, at least I still had feeling there. She started at my foot, stretching and moving my toes and flexing my foot, and then moved upwards, moving my ankle in different directions and massaging the muscles that tensed beneath her ministrations.

Slowly the tension in my leg left me, making it much easier for me to flex my foot without her help, and I watched as she moved up to my hip. She was careful not to let her hands stray between my legs and even looked a bit nervous about it, but that might've been because I'm glaring at her… She moved back down, slowly rubbing and massaging my sore muscles and finally tried to move my knee. At first it was okay, but as she bent it more and more, pain began appear and I grunted as she twisted my leg slightly to the right.

"That hurts then?"

"Yeah."

She sighed and set my leg back down, "Well, it's a lot better than it has been. The tension I felt there yesterday has dramatically decreased and I saw that you can move your foot on your own. Congratulations Yuki-san, I believe we can finally try a bit of walking, with help of course."

A small smile graced my lips. Finally, Shuichi, I'm coming.

* * *

The black cane in my hand tapped lightly on the marble hospital floors. Today, I'm leaving; it's been a little over a month since I had my heart attack. Learning to walk again was no easy task, I even pushed myself to learn once more, which is the only reason I can leave today. Doctor Teniki thought I'd be here for at least two months before even thinking about going home and living on my own. But I refused to listen to reason and pushed myself to my limits, I wanted to get out of here and find Shuichi, I wanted to do something useful instead of sitting in a damn bed and waiting for news of my love.

I could now bend, twist and flex my entire leg with pain, but I could walk and that's all that mattered right now. The exercises I needed to do were in my notebook, though for the most part they were ingrained in my head and I could just skim over what I had written to know how to do them. My memory was still sketchy, there were days where I would remember ninety percent of everything that had happened throughout the day and the past month and then there were days where everything was just a blur of color and sounds. I had filled up seven notebooks with the hours of the days of my life and kept them with my laptop—I was slowly moving my memories onto my laptop and storing them there.

It was odd to have to store my memories, to have them remain elsewhere than in my mind as most people had them, but at least I had them in some form… I don't want to forget anything, nothing at all even though these are the most painful because Shuichi's gone and my heart yearns for him. I still cannot remember that night very well, though I do know it's somehow my fault for him disappearance, somehow it's my fault and I know that with my entire soul. I don't think I'm being pitying upon myself by saying that either, I believe…I had gotten caught up in my novel and broken every promise I had made to him and so his disappearance truly is my fault.

That entire day is just a blur within my mind and I cannot do anything about it because there's no way for me to write down what is not there. I have tried many a time and have only come up with snippets of words and a single picture inside my head. Hurt violet eyes, filled with tears that were slowly falling down his face to his chin and reddening his tan skin, those lips clenched tightly against the tears running over them and his pink hair so soft and beautiful falling over the top of his eyes.

I wanted to change that look, I wanted him beside me once more and myself at his side as we once were. I wanted to hug him and kiss him and feel his warmth, I wanted to see him smile and laugh and sing as he once did and I wanted to see his eyes, those eyes that had always spoken volumes to me. It was time I searched for him and that's exactly what I intended to do, search until I found him again, no matter where he may be.

I lifted the cane in my right hand, swinging it out to tap the ground in time with the jerky and stiff movements of my left leg, and set my mind to the task at hand. Doctor Teniki said that the stiffness I felt should leave as I continued to use it and only on the worst days would I feel a tinge of pain there. I would most likely have to use this cane for the rest of my life, but only on the bad days and even so, I didn't look too bad with it…

I had finally finished my novel; I decided if I was going to be left here to heal, I'd reach Shuichi in my own way, through words. He had to know if my book was published that I was alive and then he'd come back to me, right? My newest novel, the first one in almost two years now, would be published within the month and already there were people lining up to buy it. Ads and posters were strewn through Japan and six other nations about my upcoming novel, fan mail was coming from every city and town and it looked like 'Lost' was already making it's great debut without even being published yet.

"Aniki, come on! I thought you wanted to get out of 'this fucking dump' as you so nicely called it!" Tatsuha called.

Groaning, I turned to look at my younger brother, I can't believe he was the best choice out of everyone I could've had live with me for the next two or three months. "Coming." I muttered before turning to Marie, who had been standing behind me with a wheelchair in hand. The damn nurses had adamantly offered me a wheelchair to ride in, but I had _adamantly_ refused and told them nicely to fuck off and that I'd walk out on my own accord. The only reason I got to was because my therapist said she wanted to see how well I was walking and told them off in her own way as well. Apparently, all in-patients are supposed to leave the hospital in a wheelchair and so I at least owe her some semblance of thanks for letting me walk out.

"Well, Yuki-san, I can't say it's been a pleasure working with you, but I can say it's been an interesting experience." She grinned. She'd changed a great deal from what I can remember her as; she's become a lot more relaxed, a lot more open and a lot more comedic. She's worked beside me for a month now and learned all my moods and I now consider her a friend…somewhat.

"Thank you for helping me."

Tatsuha gasped, "Did my aniki just say 'thank you'? It's a miracle!"

"Shut up!" I snapped at him before turning back to Marie. "If you need a letter of recommendation, I'd be 'happy' to write one."

"More like obligated I believe." She laughed.

"Precisely."

"Well, take care and if you need more work on that leg of yours, then call me, okay?"

"Right."

"Hey!" Tatsuha yelled, "I don't have all day to get the cripple home, so if you don't start moving your asses and get over here, I'll let you walk home!"

"That's my car and if anyone's walking home, it'll be you!" I yelled back and limped towards him, grumbling about idiotic, Nittle Grasper obsessed brothers. I waved once more to Marie and then slid into the passenger side of my car, Tatsuha already waiting in the drivers. I can't believe I'm letting him drive…

"Buckle up aniki! We're going for a spin." He laughed manically and punched the gas, making the tires squeal and the car go…no where.

"Get out." I ordered, already climbing out.

My brother's face dropped, "What? Why?"

"Get out, I'm driving."

"But you've got a busted leg."

"My left leg is crippled, not my right and I drive with my right, now get out." I said before slowly making my way around the car and to the driver's side. Tatsuha sighed and got out half heartedly, hanging his head low and passing me by without a word. I rolled my eyes and situated myself back into the driver's seat, where I belonged. Once we were both buckled in and I had readjusted the mirrors, I pointed to the emergency brake that was on and pushed it down before putting the car into gear and slowly driving down the road.

"So that's what that does!"

I groaned, "Idiot."

The drive back was pretty quiet except that Tatsuha had the music blasting to Nittle Grasper and was singing to his heart's content even though he can't sing worth shit. Yup, perfectly quiet.

When I reached my apartment, Tatsuha refused to let me carry anything except my laptop, because he knew I'd kill anyone who even tried to touch it, and then ushered me onto the elevator. The quiet elevator music played as we rode up to the third floor, I hate elevator music, it's the most annoying shit ever made and whoever created it should experience a slow and very painful death.

The doors opened to my floor and we stepped out into a mob of reporters. Damn, I'd forgotten about them… The hospital had been able to keep them away and the news of my health out of the papers, but they had shown up here…someone had leaked the date of my release.

I hate being famous.

Tatsuha pushed his way through them with me right on his heels and somehow managed to get the door open with people shouting questions at us. Ignoring them, we both came in and Tatsuha slammed the door shut and locked it before breathing a sigh of relief. "Geez! Don't they have a life?"

"That is their life." I said, looking around the dark apartment. Everything was just as it was before, nothing moved or missing, and I let out my own sigh as I made my way towards my bedroom. Tatsuha remained silent as he watched me limp through my silent home and shut the door behind me, leaving him to his own thoughts. I walked into my study and set my laptop down on the oak desk, deftly hooking the printer, mouse, LAN and power cord up without missing a beat.

I eased myself into the chair, wincing at the small pain that shot up my leg, and flipped my laptop open. Pressing the power button, I watched quietly as it started up and leaned back into my chair, sighing. It's been a month and there was still no word from him, no sign of him and the news reports of his sudden disappearance were becoming less. Hiro had left Japan two weeks ago, certain that Shuichi wasn't anywhere in our nation, and set off to look in the United States with Suguru.

Moving my leg into a more maneuverable position, I sat up and typed in my password, watching as my settings loaded and the boring sky background appeared. I've had that background for seven years now and had yet to replace it, I don't even think I chose that one…

Snorting, I opened Word and clicked on the opening of my novel. There was still a blank page there… a single page that was between my acknowledgements and the first page of my novel. I don't know why I placed that page there, but I felt like there needed to be something there, though I had no idea what. Maybe a quote from someone, something meaningful to my story as well as to me, but nothing came to mind.

Ignoring my brother tapping lightly on my bedroom door, I closed my eyes and laid my hands on the keyboard, letting the storm in my mind clear and the words come to me.

_What do you do when your love disappears, when your entire world comes crashing down upon you in the blink of an eye? Do you cry? Scream? Stand paralyzed with shock? Do you deny it or do you accept it? Do you move on with your life? Or do you die from the pain of losing him? Do you lock yourself away and refuse to ever love another? Or do you wait for him to return to you, even if it takes an eternity?_

_No. Don't cry, don't scream, don't deny it, don't move on and don't wait. Search. Search the four corners of the earth, search every mountain, every city and every nation of the world for your love. Search earth, sky and water and never give up, never give in until you find him again, until you find the light that shows you the way and never lose it, for without it you are lost.

* * *

_

Dhampir  
Page 10  
6/24/05

Notes: A LAN connection is just a type of internet connection.

Well, I can say this chapter didn't turn out as I had planned it to…but oh well! I think I like how it turned out better than my original idea, so I hope you all liked it too.

Okay, sorry that I haven't done reviews in a while, but right now I've got sun poisoning and am getting really, really dizzy. Also, sorry for any mistakes, I looked for them, but I wrote about 3/4's of this while sick...


	11. My Heart, Where Have You Gone?

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** If you haven't by now or for some reason don't know, this is the sequel to _Cutting Through It All_ so please read that before continuing on or you're missing half the story.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Eleven_

Groaning, I slowly sat up, my silk sheets slowly sliding off my half naked body. Damn, it's too early to be waking up…I stayed up late last night on my novel and I need to start working on the next couple chapters, but it's too fucking early! Fumbling, I searched for the light and clicked it on, quickly hiding my face as the sudden light blinded me. I rolled over and groaned again, my hands reaching out for…something. There was a nagging feeling in the back of my head that I was missing something very important and I could feel my heart quicken at the thought. Shit, I'm going crazy. Well, I knew it would happen eventually, right?

I laid there for another couple minutes before I finally decided to go searching for whatever the hell I knew was missing. Slipping out of bed, I paused at the book lying on my night stand and carefully picked it up.

**Important: Your Memories  
****READ!  
**--_Yuki Eiri_

Shit, I'd recognize my signature anywhere, but what the hell was this? Reaching for the black marble notebook slowly, I rolled my eyes, certain this was some prank my brother decided to play on me. I know I should just leave it there because most likely whatever he wrote in there will just tick me off and then I'll beat the shit out of him, but my curiosity got the best of me. Flipping it open, I slowly sat down on the bed as I began skimming what _I_ had written.

_…stroke and a heart attack, as well as an injury to the head have left me with short term memory loss and a gimp leg.  
__  
The doctor came in today, said some shit about needing me to take it easy, like I have the time for that…  
__  
Hiro left today, Shuichi's still missing…  
__  
It's been two weeks and no sign of Shuichi, what the hell did I do that night?_

_I've checked all the hotels in Japan, there are no mention of Shuichi or even any sightings and I'm fearing the worst._

_I can now walk without too much pain and though I'm pushing myself to my limits, I could care less. Once I'm out of here, I'm going to find Shuichi—with or without help._

My eyes widened as I continued to read what I had written, there were weeks worth of memories that I could barely remember—none of it barely rang familiar, the only thing that did was that Shuichi is gone. That's what was missing, that's what _is_ missing and why I feel like this, so empty and depressed.

Scanning the next couple pages, I looked at the lists that I had made of hotels, cities, roads and so many others, numbers were written and scratched out constantly, notes were written on the side as if I had forgotten something and then remembered it again and small pieces of what looked like my novel were written in.

_I'm finally leaving this forsaken place, I walk with a cane and my novel is now complete…I believe that had something to do with Shuichi's disappearance. Though I cannot remember that night, I know I had to have been a jackass of some sort, because hey, let's face it, I always am. There's something…wrong with this picture though… It still doesn't tell me why Shuichi would run away, he never ran away before._

_—Shuichi thinks he killed me! But why? What happened for him to think that? I vaguely remember that night I find myself repeating a lot of what I've already written from the previous day…I seem to at least be able to remember better, but not good enough. I won't truly be 'better' until I know what happened that night and have Shuichi with me once more. Shit, how could I screw it up this time?_

I continued to read, absorbing everything I had forgotten and finally stared at my shaking hand. Shuichi gone? When did he leave? How long had it been? Picking up the pen hanging on the side and uncapping it, I set it to paper and waited. I watched as a small dot of ink began to well beneath the point of the pen before it flowed before me, forming my thoughts and memories into sentences—or more like ramblings.

_To wake up to find your memory gone, the feeling is almost unexplainable…It's like…knowing something is there, something you need to remember and not being able to. There's a hole in your thinking process, a trip to the store may become disastrous if your train of thought is interrupted for only a minute. I may be getting better at remembering things, for example, I can now remember part of yesterday, just coming home to find a mob of reporters trespassing onto private property to nag me, but it's still not good enough. _

_The one thing I must remember escapes me and leaves me stranded without a single clue to where my life has gone. So what can I remember today? Just enough to know Shuichi is missing because I screwed up, that my novel is finished and I'm not in some hospital… Was it Tokyo General?_

I continued to write the jumble of thoughts flying through my mind until there was nothing left to write and setting my pen down, I closed my eyes and breathed in deep. How the hell did this happen? I've fucking lost my mind, that's what happened. I can't remember past two hours of the day and I'm expected to get through a damn day?

"Aniki! You awake yet?" Someone yelled, knocking on my door.

"Tats?" I asked, what the hell is my brother doing here? "How the hell did you get in?" I demanded after a moment's surprise.

The door slowly opened and he looked over at me, "You didn't read your last entry, did you?"

I looked down at the journal and flipped back a page to skim that entry—_My fucking little brother is, for some reason, somehow, the best choice to have living with me for the next two weeks or, if the doctor orders it, longer. They refuse to let me go home unless I let someone live with me, Mika and Tohma of course, pushed hard to get that position, but I flat out refused to have those two mother hens watching over me. So Tatsuha will be going home with me—what a surprise this'll be in the morning…_

"Hey, what's the scowl for? You should be happy to have me here!" He protested, staring at my angry face.

"Because I don't need a fucking babysitter." I growled as I stood up. I took a step and practically toppled to the ground as pain shot up my left leg.

A cane appeared inches from my face, "Ah yes, I can see that perfectly well, aniki. Though I will suggest you walk with your cane at least for a little bit more…"

"Shut up please." I muttered as I pulled myself up.

"Breakfast's ready when you are."

Snorting, I limped to the bathroom, my cane tapping lightly on the wooden floors beside me. Apparently, I must've been using this for a while because I knew exactly how to use it even if I didn't remember it.

"Oh yeah, I thought we might…well…go look for Shuichi some today."

"I've already searched." I whispered, closing the door and leaving my puzzled brother standing in the hallway. Sighing, I looked into the mirror and stared at the man I had become. Such…lost eyes, not dead like Shuichi's had been, but just lost, almost sorrowful looking.

Tearing my gaze away, I turned the shower on and stripped off my pants, my eyes widening at my withered leg. I had lost muscle density since the last time I saw my leg—or at least remember it—and it looked…crooked or something. No, not crooked, just small compared to my other leg. Getting used to this was going to take a while…then again, I'd been getting used to it for weeks, haven't I?

Clenching my fists, I took a breath and swore that I would get passed this, I will not be stopped by some fucking stroke or whatever the hell I had. I may not remember everything, I may forget most of my life, but I _will_ find Shuichi and I won't give up until I do.

----

Walking towards the kitchen, I smelled the scent of cooking eggs and toast, something that was pretty rare in my apartment. I stepped in, the notebook hooked under my arm, and looked at my brother's back as he swayed back and forth to some inaudible music and cooked—so much like Shuichi…

"Hey, stop that." I growled as I slouched into the closest chair, shit, I was already tired from standing so long in the bathroom and then I banged my bad leg into the damn shower glass just before I fell out of the shower and onto the tile floor. Now I was sore all over, my left leg had a pretty bad cut from where I scraped it against the metal edge and then I couldn't get my fucking pants on. When you have one leg that hurts when you bend it just the smallest bit, it takes you a while to dress.

Tatsuha ignored my order and just stuck his tongue out at me before turning around with two plates of food. "You know how long this took me? You didn't have any pans, you didn't have any spices, you don't have any plates or even silverware except for two spoons, you didn't have any _food_ and so I had to go and shop for all this shit just to make you some breakfast!"

I looked sideways at him, "I don't use the kitchen except for coffee."

Almost slamming the plate down in front of me, he took the seat across from me and dug into his food, muttering about older brothers being such jackasses. Well hey, I'm not about to deny that, it's true.

For a couple minutes we just ate in silence, both of us absorbed in our own thoughts and only throwing casual glances every now and then. It must've been at least ten minutes before my usual chatterbox of a brother finally broke the silence with an annoyed sigh.

"Are you always this silent?"

"Hn."

"Hey, do you remember what I said earlier today?"

I frowned, "What are you talking about?"

"About Shuichi…"

"What about him?" I asked while I slowly stood to dump my empty plate into the sink. Did he know something about Shuichi? What happened to him? The night he left? Anything?

"Well, I said if you wanted to try looking for him today…"

Flipping my notebook open, I scanned the pages of my life before saying, "I already searched all of Japan."

"You wouldn't have been able to do that from a hospital bed." He pointed out.

"It's possible."

"You can barely remember half a day, but you're telling me you searched all of Japan?"

"Yes." I said, getting angry.

"And how exactly did you do that?"

Throwing the notebook at him, I stormed out of the room—or tried to at least—and yelled, "I searched every fucking hotel and boarding house from the looks of it and I don't remember a single fucking one!" It wasn't that I was mad at Tatsuha for asking, I was mad at myself for not being able to remember. What else had happened since then? I could fucking kill someone and won't remember it…is that what happened? Are they sure he really disappeared on his own or did I kill him? I know there were times I thought about it, where I thought if I could just get him to shut up for a couple minutes…

But that's not possible! I love the little brat, I love how he smiles goofily, I love when he trips over his own feet and falls into me, knocking both of us to the ground, I love how he comes running to me when he cries and needs someone to comfort him, how he greets me with a big smile and yells my name… I shook my head, no, that was the old Shuichi and I loved him with all my heart, but he wasn't the Shuichi I loved now with all my soul.

Calm smiles, soft eyes so vibrant and alive, tentative touches as he lays his hand on my chest, quirky looks while he ponders something and even his silent words I can hear him sing touch my heart so that I feel it might burst. I thought living with the new him, the Shuichi I created, would be difficult, even impossible because it was the old Shuichi that I loved, but the more time I spent around him, the more I fell in love with the person he became. It truly was him that I fell for—not his silly nature, his looks or the sex he offered me—I fell for his heart, for his love for me…

How the hell did I screw this up? The most wonderful person comes into my life and I screw it up. Oh, shut the fuck up Eiri, who cares how I screwed it up or what I screwed up or even how fucked up I am, I just need to get Shuichi back. I wonder how many times I've had this same conversation in my mind? I'll probably be having it two hours later with my luck…

----

"Aniki?" Tatsuha asked softly, aware of my mood, before opening the door to my study. When did I come in here? Shit, I don't even remember sitting down before my laptop…

"What?" I whispered, rubbing my temple. Did I go through this every morning? Every morning that I awakened, did I have to have someone calm me down and explain to me what happened and why Shuichi was gone? Damn it! I cannot remain like this for the rest of my life!

"I know this is hard on you…" he began, but I snorted and just shook my head, making him fall silent.

"You don't know how hard it is, because you're not having short term memory loss for every fucking hour of the day." I snapped at him before I forced my anger into the recesses of my brain. "This is going to be complicated for you Tatsuha because this is what you'll be dealing with every day until I can remember things on my own."

"So what should I do?" He asked in a soft voice, crossing his arms as he leaned against the door frame.

I remained silent for a moment before shaking my head and letting my eyes slide closed. "You're too young to be house sitting a crippled adult. You should be spending your days riding your motorcycle, trying to pick up girls and just having fun, not worrying about me or what I might do."

"Eiri…" He said, surprising me by calling me my name, as he laid his hand on my shoulder, "you're my brother, my family and I'm not about to just leave you when you're having the first major crisis in your life."

Looking up, I opened my eyes and let a small smile reach my lips, "Oh?"

"Besides," he grinned, "I'm trying to pick up Ryu-chan only and he's out of town so I have nothing better to do…"

"You two seem to be getting a little close." I said, a malicious smile coming to my lips.

"Uh, aniki, why are you smiling at me like that?" Tatsuha asked, backing up a step.

"My baby brother is finally growing up. So, who's seme?"

"W-what?"

"Who's seme? Top, dominator, the 'fucker', want some more words?"

He snorted and looked away, "Of course I'm seme!"

"You're kidding…" I said, my jaw falling open. I took in the slight curl of his lips, how he refused to meet my gaze and the slight blush on his cheeks and practically fell from astonishment. "_He's_ seme?"

"Well…" Tatsuha looked down and began playing with his fingers.

"That thirty year old boy is seme? You've always refused to be uke! I remember when you made that blood pact with…whoever it was…that you'd _never_ be uke."

"He's very demanding in bed." He whispered, "Damn, he's a lot stronger than he looks and when we're alone he's almost another person…"

My hand curled into a fist, "He's not hurting you, is he?"

I watched as honest surprise registered in his eyes and he shook his head vigorously, "No! He's just not cute anymore, just downright sexy and the way he can dominate you…" His dark eyes glazed over and I knew within seconds he was lost in his own fantasy world.

I shook my head, who'd have thought my brother, who was supposed to be a mirror image of me, would be uke? I sighed and turned to look at the picture sitting on my desk, my fingers reaching out to touch the silver edges. Shuichi's face smiled back at me, his eyes closed and his head slightly tilted making his hair fall just in the right angle that made him undoubtedly cute. He never knew I took that picture…it had been at NG Records two years ago and I was coming in to take Shuichi home when I spotted him and Hiro talking near the windows. I don't even remember why I was carrying around a camera that day, but I just happened to be and how bright he looked with the sun reflecting off his pink locks made him look almost magical. It was almost as if I couldn't resist taking that picture, but it's one of the five I cherish most.

"Aniki? You there?" Tatsuha asked, waving a hand before my face and snapping me out of my stupor. He looked at the picture my fingers were touching and a sadness filled his eyes. "We will find him aniki, I promise you, we'll find him some day."

I returned my gaze towards the picture, "Yeah…soon."

-----

Tatsuha sat down beside me and sighed, glancing at the notebook I was currently writing in. "Can you remember breakfast?"

Glaring at him, I sneered, "Yes. Eggs and toast."

He nodded and then fell silent as I continued to write my life to paper. To my surprise, he remained silent as I continued to write practically every detail of my life into one sheet of paper, summarizing most of it to save space—something I had never done before, but I didn't feel like having thirty or forty notebooks to read everyday…

"Better?" I asked him, pushing the open book towards him. I watched silently as he skimmed over my cursive, nodding every couple minutes, and finally closed it.

"You're doing a lot better aniki, you remembered almost everything on your own except for a couple minor details."

"How long, Tatsuha," I asked in a hushed voice, "how long has it been?"

"About a month and a half…"

"Why hasn't Shuichi been found? How fucking hard is it to find a famous pop singer with _bright pink hair_?" I demanded, "There hasn't been any publicity of his disappearance, not on the television or the papers or the radios. Why Tatsuha?"

"Suguchi-san didn't want to let the media know their top vocalist is missing so he made certain only a few select police departments knew about it and kept Shuichi out of the news. He said it'd be bad publicity to have Shuichi disappear and so until he figures out what he wants to do, he's under wraps."  
Yeah fucking right, the only reason Tohma was keeping Shuichi out of the media is so they won't bother me. Bad publicity my ass. "I don't care about publicity damn it! I want my lover back. I don't care what it takes, how much it costs or what I have to do Tatsuha, all I want is to see him smile again and by my side."

The last thing I expected my brother to do was smirk back at me, that smirk I knew either meant "I've got the most brilliant plan ever" or "You just fell into my trap". And I wasn't certain if I wanted to know which one it was. "Well then, it's a good thing I booked us a first class flight to America then—using your credit cards of course."

"…what?"

"Get packed aniki, we're going to America!" He cheered.

"You used _my_ credit card, therefore _my_ name, to pay for _our_ tickets to America? Do you even know how to speak English?"

Scratching his head, Tatsuha shrugged, "Not really… 'Hallo, haw aue you?' Well, I can speak some."

I groaned, "You're a fucking college student, how can you not know English? It's only the universal language of three countries and practically the world!"

"How is it you can retain shit like that, but you can't remember what you wore when you woke up this morning?" He asked, "Honestly, I'd think you'd forget how many countries speak English first."

"Don't make me hurt you."

"Oh? And how are you going to do that? Chase me around with your cane?" He teased, a confident smirk on his lips. Oh-h, I was going to kill him.

"I'd start running if I were you." I growled before whacking my cane at him and successfully hitting his leg.

He jumped up, howling in pain and glared at me, "I should just take those tickets and run, you know that?"

"I am rich Tats, so I can afford another one."

"Ah, but do you know where to go?"

I paused, was there more to this than he was telling me? "America."

"America's just a _little_ bigger than Japan aniki."

"New York."

"Why would Shuichi go there?"

"I don't know! It's just a place to start!"

"Well, I've been in contact with both Ryuichi and Hiro, so we've been able to determine where he isn't."

Closing my eyes, I tried to think of Shuichi and where he would go, but he never really gave a hint to anything like that. I shook my head and sighed, pushing myself to my feet and using the cane to steady myself. "They've had no luck then."

"No, no leads and no sightings. Who'd have thought someone like Shuichi would've been able to disappear so easily?"

"Mental hospitals?" I asked in a hushed voice. I didn't even want to think about the idea that my love was stuck in some little room all alone and in complete misery.

"We checked the ones here already and his family would've been informed if he was admitted into a hospital."

"And what of his family?" I continued to question, slowly walking to my room. I wasn't going to waste another minute of my time here just wishing I knew where Shuichi was or why he left—no, it was time I searched and found out the truth.

"His sister is with Hiro, also searching, and his parents are doing whatever they can—within Seguchi's jurisdiction—to find him."

Pulling out my bag from beneath my bed, I began to grab clothes from my closets and dresser and throw them into the black bag. "Get Tohma on the phone, now." I ordered, making certain everything was nicely packed as I went. Damn it, I'm in a fucking hurry but I can't seem to just throw my suits and shirts in there.

"What are you going to do?"

"Threaten him with certain death unless he makes Shuichi's disappearance public and a serious matter."

"Aniki…" He began, already dialing Tomha's private line.

"Does he know we're leaving?"

"No, no one except Hiro knows, I was going to inform Ryu-chan tonight."

"Keep it that way, the less who know the better. I _do not_ want Tohma following us."

"Right!" He handed me the phone and fell silent as I held the phone to my ear, listening to it ring.

"Seguchi Tohma." The smooth voice said from the other side.

"Tohma—"

"Eiri-san! How are you feeling?" He asked, his voice suddenly very chipper.

"Fine," I snapped, "now, I want to—"

"That's wonderful, I was wondering if you'd join me for lunch tomorrow, I'd like to talk to you about a couple things…mostly concerning your 'assistant' choice."

"Tatsuha is fine, he's already helped me a lot today."

"That may be true, but the boy's so unpredictable and I just believe—"

"I don't care Tohma. What I care about is Shuichi and I'm calling not to set up lunch but to know why Shuichi hasn't been found yet."

"He's very good at evading such things Eiri-san. He always has been."

"Listen very carefully Tohma, I want you to do everything in your power—that means searches, postings, getting his face into the media around the fucking world!—to find him. Do you understand?"

There was a short pause before he answered, "I understand."

"And if you don't, then I'll do it myself." I growled before hanging up on him. Oddly enough, I felt a lot better now and from the barely contained laughter Tatsuha was expressing, it looks like was felt a lot better now too.

"Man, I wish I could've seen his face!" He said, his voice full of mirth.

"When do we leave?"

"Our plane leaves tomorrow at six a.m. sharp—did I mention first class?" He grinned.

I frowned, "How did you pay for all this?"

His grin disappeared and he looked at me seriously, "Try to remember, think hard about it."

What the hell was he talking about? I think I'd remember if he told me how he paid for it, I'm not that much of an imbecile. "I'd tell you if you had told me Tats."

"I did tell you…" He whispered before closing his eyes. "Damn it, I thought you were getting better."

"What are you talking about?"

"We already had this conversation aniki," he said sadly, "don't you remember?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Because you have short term memory loss aniki."

"What…?"

"What did you have this morning?"

"Have?"

"For breakfast."

Oh shit…this was eerily familiar. I stared at my brother, my brow frowning in concentration, and finally shook my head. "I don't remember."

Sighing, Tatsuha ran a hand through his hair and plastered a wavering smile on his face. "No problem! We'll just work harder on it, right?"

I nodded and tried to return his smile, but it came out more lopsided and frowned than I had planned. "America…I haven't been there in almost three years now."

Ebony eyes searched my face, "Are you sure about this aniki? With your memory fucked up and…past events—"

"I am over Kitazawa, Tats, and have been for the past six years."

"Oh really? Then why is your computer password his name?" He demanded.

Instead of answering him, I posed another question, "And why, pray tell, were you snooping around my computer?"

"E-eh…well…" Scratching his head, he shrugged and ducked for cover as my cane snapped out to smack him again. "Hey!"

"Get moving, Shuichi's waiting for us." I glowered before turning back to my half packed suitcase. As long as I stay focused on what I'm doing, I should be able to remember it, right?

"Don't be such a grouch, sheesh…" He muttered, walking out the door.

----

I leaned back in my seat, shifting slightly for a more comfortable position and flipped through the disks in my hands. Apparently I had been transposing my written memories onto disk each week and storing them in my laptop carrier—damn good thing I decided to read the rest of that journal. Damn, I'm going to be screwed when I run out of paper and forget I need to do this…

So, here I am, sitting on a damn plane and on my way to America…again. Did I ever mention I hate airplanes? Despise them. When I can, I'll take a bus or even a fucking ship, but planes…planes I can't stand. Yeah, sure, it's so pretty to look out your window at the clouds and shit when you're thirty thousand feet above land. Okay, so maybe that's a bit of an exaggeration, but three thousand or thirty thousand, you're still going to die when you hit the ground at speeds this high. How the hell is it pretty to see China look like Japan?

Then there's the turbulence…oh, gotta love the turbulence. How I love to see my drink bounce up and down in front of me as I sit strapped into a chair and no where to go. I mean, how can you not? It's so much fun when you can't see straight because everything's shaking so much and the fucking pilot is telling you to just remain calm as they fly through a bad patch of air—just as they continue to tell you to remain calm as you go plummeting towards the earth.

Right, love planes.

"Aniki? Aniki…hey!"

Snapping my gaze over to my brother, who had so generously taken the window seat—apparently he loves flying—I waited for him to continue speaking.

"You okay?"

"No. I hate flying." I muttered, my hands gripping the arm rests as the pilot made that wonderful announcement of hitting a 'bad patch of air'.

"Hey!" He yelled to a flight attendant, "Miss, can you get my brother here a sedative?"

"I don't need a fucking sedative!" I hissed, my eyes hardening with anger.

"Sir? Do you have fears of flying?" She asked sweetly.

"No, just fears of dying."

"Well, you don't have to worry, we have one of the best pilots of Japan."

"Yeah, and they'll be saying just that when he crashes us into the ground." I added sarcastically, but apparently that was enough to make her rush off to get a sedative.

Tatsuha tried to hold back his laughter, but couldn't keep the grin off his face. "Did you have to be _that_ cruel? You've probably scared her now."

"Shut up."

The attendant returned shortly after and handed me two white pills and a glass of water—how nice. "If you'll take these sir, you're not allergic to any medications are you?"

"Don't you think you should've asked that before getting them?" Throwing them to the back of my throat, I downed the water and handed the glass back to her before taking a deep breath. Damn, I hope this will be over soon.

"What was that ma'am?" I heard my brother ask.

"Valium."

"Whatever the hell it was," I murmured, "it better work."

"Enjoy the movie." The lady said quickly before making a hasty exit, probably grateful to get away from me.

Tatsuha glowed. "Oh cool! We get a movie!"

"Haven't you ever flown first class?" I asked.

"No, dad's too cheap for that."

"Hn."

"I wonder what it'll be…"

Closing my eyes, I slumped down in my seat, suddenly very tired despite being on a plane—usually I can't sleep at all. Damn, those drugs work fast and well. I tried to open them a couple times, but finally gave into the temptation of sleep and let my body relax. Shit, I hope Tatsuha's ready for when I wake up because it'll be one hell of a surprise if I can't remember why I'm on a plane in the first place…

_----_

_"Yuki!" The baka turned around with a wide smile on his face, his eyes sparkling as I entered the apartment. I braced myself and wasn't let down as he launched his body at mine and drew me into a tight hug, nuzzling my neck. "You're finally home! You took so-o-o long." He whined._

_Messing his hair, I rolled my eyes and wrapped an arm around his waist. "Baka, I told you I was meeting with my editor."_

_"But that was _hours_ ago!" He huffed like a spoiled child deprived of candy._

_"Don't exaggerate; I've only been gone two hours." I said before tearing away from him and heading towards the kitchen to put away the groceries. _

_"When you're not here, even a minute feels like forever." He said, not knowing just how romantic he sounded._

_I turned around and leaned back against the counter as I watched him rustle through the two bags I had brought home. "Yuki! You got me pocky?" He asked, spinning around to look at me. "And it's strawberry!"_

_"Whatever." I said, but I couldn't keep the small smile off my lips, he's just so beautiful when he's innocent like this. _

_He sat down at the table and tore open the packet of pocky. "Hey Yuki…I want to go to America one day."_

_I cocked an eyebrow, "Why?"_

_My lover shrugged, "I don't know, well, I want to go somewhere that speaks English. I want to learn it!"_

_"Then learn it, you don't have to go there to learn the language."_

_He rolled his eyes at me, something I had never seen him do. "I know that Yuki, but I wanna be able to talk to people and someday sing in English so I wanna go somewhere where they use it."_

_"There's more than just America baka. There's England and Australia as well and a couple others…America's not that great you know."_

_"Well, I still wanna go one day…" He whispered before falling into an odd silence. _

_Shrugging, I turned back to putting away the groceries, his mood's changed more than mine—One minute he's happy and giddy, another he's crying and then in another he's almost depressed. Maybe I'll take him to America one day…as a surprise._

_----_

"Aniki…aniki, come on, we're here." Someone whispered and I opened my eyes to look into deep ebony…not the violet ones that I only dream about now.

"Tatsuha?"

"Do you remember?"

My vision sharpened as I awoke out the sleep haze and I recognized my brother before me. I looked passed him and stared at…an oval ceiling? Reading lights…a seat and small window next to me and why thehell was a flight attendant walking passed me? My eyes widen in shock and I gripped the arm rests. "What the fuck am I doing on a plane?" I practically yelled.

"Calm down aniki, we're in America, remember? We're going to find Shuichi…"

"Shu…right, he's gone and we're here. I have a cane…and…a bad leg and we're here to find Shuichi." I practically rambled. "Shuichi…Shu's…"

"Come on, the plane's landed and they're waiting for us to get off." He said, pulling me to my feet and then handing me my cane. "Let's get out of here."

I slowly followed him, laptop in hand, and breathed deep—I remembered. I remembered something on my own and yet I felt no rush of triumph in it. I don't think I'll ever feel that until I finally find Shuichi again. As I passed the gate, I stopped to stare at the hundreds of people moving towards the different Airport Gates, looking for their plane. I had forgotten how large America was, so impossibly large that finding one person was like finding a needle in a hay stack—yet still possible.

I bit my lip and tightened my grip on my cane. "My heart, where have you gone?" I whispered before slowly following Tatsuha towards the doors that held the only memories I wish I could forget.

Dhampir  
07/28/05  
Page 12

* * *

I know nothing really strikes you in this chapter, I'm certain, but I thought since the last chapter was kind of cut up days and only when he remembered Shuichi and such that I should do a chapter from pretty much Yuki's waking moments to night. So, sorry for the slightly boring chapter, but I needed a bit of a set up anyway…

**Reviews (finally…):**

**Gyoki:** My ideas come from pretty much anywhere…I try to be original and different, but I'll just start to think about something and follow it somewhere before writing it. Sometimes it comes out how I thought and sometimes it doesn't…I can definitely say when I first thought out this story Yuki having short term memory was not one of my original ideas. But thanks for the compliment and sorry for taking forever to respond…

**Xunxin Kohaku: **Now we both know if I told you where Shuichi went or in what way I meant that it would ruin the suspense and my fun in torturing everyone, hehe.

**GWL:** I'm sorry! And you've been very good to me and are one of my top reviewers, which I really, really appreciate. But I have to keep you interested some way, right?

**LaDidaanifan:** Is Shu-chan dead…well, in all honesty I haven't decided yet and there are two types of dead—at least in my world. There's _dead_ as in corpse, buried six feet under dead and then there's dead as in holding no life within, but still breathing. So…I really haven't decided that part yet, hehe, but most likely, Shuichi's not dead. I'm sorry if when Yuki fell that was a bit confusing…what happened was he was too stressed by his work and not eating right an such that when Shuichi didn't answer his question he was practically shell shocked. So then, Yuki was out near the stairs and had a heart attack, causing him to collapse and fall down the stairs—so that's how he fell.

**Heartless Writer:** Hey girl, yeah, I seem to have a habit of tying in the title somewhere… I guess I like that idea a little bit, I think I've done that in almost all my stories. Also, I have not forgotten about Ky and Jath, trust me, hehe. I'm trying hard to write them, but I'm finding myself slipping out of their world and back into Arc's or 'anime' worlds…so they're coming and don't worry! I won't leave you hanging there forever wondering if Jath lives or dies.

**Nekosune:** Well, I've written a couple original stories, but never published them before because I never thought I was a good writer—I'm starting to change my mind. _Heartless Writer_ (above review) is the only other person to read an original story by me, but if you like, I'll send you what I have of some of them.

**Ashley Vulpix: **I haven't forgotten my other two Gravi fics, but I have paused on them, for two reasons: 1.) My Vampire fic I'm trying to decide if I want to make it a really twisted, dark fic or not and if I should just go from the past to the present or switch back and forth. And 2.) My S&M fic I'm trying to gain some information because I know _nothing_ about sex—even less about that kind of stuff (blushes).

**Ukera:** Hi, thank your sister for me, I can't believe I'm getting recommended to people, man this is getting embarrassing for me…I think the weirdest thing was when someone asked if I wrote a story in a gaming room—that floored me. But thank her and I'm trying to make this a happy ending…I just don't know if it'll happen.

**Parasite of Raven's Wings:** I agree with you, but then again, what sequel is as good as the first? When I first began writing this it was supposed to be a romantic comedy, but I just couldn't seem to keep the angst part of it out and unfortunately, I've found it harder to switch from Shuichi's mind to Yuki's mind—especially since Yuki isn't supposed to know certain things that I, as Shuichi, do.

**Ahnouthei:** Hehe, it wasn't rude at all and yes, I'm a girl…well, now here's some background on me because I've had a couple questions like that. I'm a white, 19 year old female who's still a virgin and has a boyfriend, I've only been writing for about half a year now and…I have arthritis. Yeah, my short little biography there, hehe.


	12. Memory, Oh Memory

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** If for some reason you still have not either read this or figured it out by now…this is a sequel to _Cutting Through It All_ and I'd greatly appreciate it if you'd read that first before continuing any further with this story. Thank you.

**Reading Notes: **

((English))  
"Japanese"

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Twelve_

Three weeks…three long weeks of searching and constant moving without a single real sign to as if my Shu is alive or dead. Three fucking weeks of waking up only to read those scrawled words of my life—my forgotten memories. I don't believe most people understand how important our memory is, because we don't truly think about it until we no longer have it. Memories are what make us who we are, what defines us as sentient creatures in our world and form us into what we are today. Without them we might as well be computers—robots—metal without a spark of life within us.

It's the memories that teach us not to touch a hot stove, what letters and numbers are or how to do mathematics and write out chemical equations, or how to swim and not sink. It's through trial and error we may learn, but if we do not remember our failures, then how will we learn from them?

And who better to know about such things than me?

To awaken and not remember two and a half months f your life is a shock I experience every morning, though I have improved from when I first began. I can now remember most of a day with only some forgotten pieces or times, but once I close my eyes and dream of a young teen secure in my arms—I forget. Then I awaken thinking it's still June and I'm working on my novel.

So then how do I deal with this every morning? How will I improve my memory? What can I do? Only what I already am doing—write my life to paper and play Memory with my brother. And no, I'm not joking…unfortunately. It was Tats idea and oddly enough, it does seem to be working.

And that's what we're doing right now, mostly just to waste the time on this fucking train ride from Minnesota to Texas. We should arrive tomorrow to meet up with Hiro, Ryuichi and Miaka, but one never knows.

The red face down cards stare mockingly up at me as I try to remember where the hell I had seen that dancing panda in a pink tutu earlier.

"Come on aniki! You've been sitting there for ten minutes now." Tatsuha groaned, tapping his fingers on the table repeatedly.

"I'm thinking." I snapped back, glaring dangerously at my brother. Don't come between me and this game, it's literally suicide.

"This isn't the winning question in Jeopardy, you know."

"Never should've let you turn on the television." I muttered, finally choosing the card in the right hand corner and turning it over to reveal…that damn grinning alligator.

"Good try bro." He said as he picked the card two rows beneath it and showed me my dancing bear.

"Damn it!" I groaned as he took yet another pair cards from me.

"Now then…" He whispered, running his hands over the different cards and finally turning one over. The penguin with a popsicle—ha! We haven't had that one yet. "Shit…" He murmured, picking a random card and then flipping them both over again.

Scowling at the cards, I flipped the one closest to me and stared down at that fucking grinning alligator. A small smile graced my lips as I glanced up at the right corner where I _knew_ the other lay. Fuck I hope this isn't a dream. Turning it over, I quickly hoarded my two cards and tried not to smirk, yell, scream, jump for joy or gloat. I now had one pair to his fourteen…Hey, at least I have one!

"Now we've got a game." Tatsuha said sarcastically, flicking something from his sleeve.

"At least I have a score." I growled as I searched again—only seven pairs left. I knew there was no way for me to win, but I'm not exactly the type to quit even if it was pointless. I can't remember how many games we've played, it's written in my notebook, but this is the first game I have actually found a pair out of the thirty cards. Well, it's an improvement…

"Yeah, yeah, now make your move."

"The sooner you shut up, the quicker I'll choose a card."

"And the sooner you choose a card, the quicker I can with this damn game." He retorted, a tinge of acid in his voice.

Looking up at him, I tried not to laugh, "You're pissed."

"I am not!"

"You're pissed because I got a pair."

"Am not!" He said again, a little too vehemently.

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

"Am not!"

"Am not!"

"Are too!"

I leaned back in my seat and crossed my arms over my chest, just smirking at him. "You are?"

Disgruntled, he gave me my death glare, he had learned that pretty well… "Cheater."

"Just saying the truth."

"Will you just choose a fucking card?"

"My pleasure." I sat back up and silently searched the cards, trying to remember at least one of them, but the only ones I remembered were the ones we already had in our piles. I quickly turned one card over—a panda on a trampoline—and then another—that fucking kangaroo with sunglasses…I hate that kangaroo. I swear, it's mocking me every time I turn it over. Hey! I remembered something! …Sorta.

"Good try aniki, but the other panda bear is right…" his fingers traveled over the cards and settled over one, "here." I watched as he took yet another pair and then continued to decimate the remaining twelve cards. Did I mention I was never good at these games anyway?

"Stupid fucking game…" I muttered as he continued to assault the cards until only three pairs remained.

"Well, we're almost done your 'stupid fucking game' aniki." He grinned, "And who's mad now, huh?"

"Oh shut up." Grumbling, I was able to match a single pair before he took the last two, leaving the final score twenty-eight to two. "Finally…we've only been playing for two hours now."

"Yeah, because _someone_ didn't want to choose a card."

"And it got me somewhere." I said, a little defensive.

"Your ten minute moves got you no where."

I growled and punched him lightly across the table before shuffling the cards back into a deck and slipping them into my pocket, a rubber band holding them together. I wonder what my critics and fans would say now if they saw me on a train playing Memory and acting almost human… "Thirsty?"

"Hell yes."

I flagged a waiter down and glanced at his attire. Though dressed in black dress pants and a black vest drawn over a white poet's shirt, it was easy to see he was American—the bleached blonde spiked hair was enough, but he also had both ears pierced and what looked like a choker around his neck. Only America would allow their staff to dress like that.

((How may I help you?)) He asked, well, at least he's polite.

((Scotch please.)) I said in almost unaccented English.

Looking at Tatsuha, the waiter smiled sheepishly at him and I thought I saw him lick his lips lightly. ((And you sir?))

"Sex on the Beach." He murmured in Japanese as I translated. And what a fascinating result that had on the young waiter, I swear he turned as red as a tomato as he nodded and rushed off to get our drinks.

I raised an eyebrow, "Ryuichi is the one and only, huh?"

"What? I haven't seen my baby in weeks now and the longest I've gone without sex is four days and that was only because I was in the hospital!" He whined, "I can't go that long without sex."

"Uh-huh, just wait." I grinned, "You'll be surprised."

"What do you mean aniki?" He asked, frowning.

Stretching back into my seat, I gave a small chuckled, "I've had sex once in the past year and a half."

"What? You?"

"Yup."

He looked at me suspiciously before finally asking, "Okay, why? You've got some disease or something?"

Shaking my head, I rolled my eyes, "No, I just found I only wanted to share my bed and my body with Shuichi and no one else."

"That's it?"

"That's it."

At least he has the sense to look humbled, I thought as my brother looked down at the table, that smile gone from his lips. "I do love Ryu…but I still _want_ other people."

"Then you don't love him as much as you thought."

"But you used to cheat on Shuichi all the time!" He protested.

"Used to, Tatsuha." I said quietly and looked at the meadows racing beside us. "If that boy wasn't so persistent, I'd still be the bastard I was back then and we wouldn't be sitting here right now having a 'heart to heart' talk."

"Then…what changed? Why?"

"I was trying to deny what I felt towards that baka, I mean, I was only ever supposed to love Kitazawa—the man who betrayed me and had me raped—and so when he came into my life, I thought it had to only be for money or fame or sex… Yet he had all of that and still he came back to me again and again, always with the same words of endearment and softness I had never found anywhere else.

"I tried sleeping around with other people, thinking maybe it would snap me out of what ever that boy held over me because it wasn't possible for some skinny little baka to make me fall in love. At first it worked…at first I could lose myself in the feel and smell of another, but after a while it became apparent that the only one I wanted was Shuichi. Even when I was fucking another, all I could see was him and soon he was all I wanted." I smiled at him, "So I gave them all up…and I have never once regretted it."

"I don't understand, you're the one who taught me to keep my options open so if I lose one, I'll have someone else. That way I'll never be hurt."

I looked away, it was true, after I murdered Kitazawa, I took so many lovers so even if they betrayed me again I had others and I never got close enough to one to be hurt. It was my way of having 'love' and not having to get it…I wonder how many people I had hurt doing that. "If Ryu broke up with you, would you have others to turn to?" I asked quietly.

"Yeah…"

"But would you still be hurt?"

"Yeah, I would."

"Ryuichi is like Shu, he can only take so much before he can do no more. Don't lose him Tatsuha, I've seen you two together and I promise you, if you stay with him, you'll be a lot happier. I was wrong, I never should've told you that because if you truly love someone, you don't want to be with anyone else—no one."

Tatsuha remained silent for a minute, not even noticing as the waiter set both our drinks down and remained a minute, waiting, before leaving. "It wasn't the same." He finally said.

"How?"

He shrugged, "It just wasn't, I can't explain it…When I'm with Ryu-chan, it's like magic—so amazing, so beautiful and special. But with that kid, it was just fucking. No more."

"Then you understand what I mean." I smiled softly before downing my scotch—and almost choking—before standing up. "I think I'll head back to the room now."

I got about five steps before I heard him ask, "Do you ever regret giving up that life, aniki?"

"No," I said honestly, smiling wistfully "not even for a single second."

-----

The whistle blew obnoxiously and I closed my laptop with a sigh as the locomotive slowed. Damn did this trip take forever, there has to be some faster way of traveling from Minnesota to Texas.

Tatsuha groaned and sat up, banging his head on the ceiling and cursing just before I heard him yelp as he fell of the side of the bed and onto the floor. "Fucking bunk beds! I get the bottom bunk next time." He growled as he stood, rubbing his head.

"You wanted it in the first place."

"But I didn't know that meant falling off of it every morning! Those movies made them look cool…" He whined as he quickly dressed and brushed his hair back.

I sighed, my laptop packed and my single suitcase beside me. "Are you ready yet?"

"You know," he said, as he turned to look at me, "we could've been there four days ago if we had flown."

"Never again, not until we leave America, and maybe not even then." I growled.

"But aniki—"

Glaring, I picked up my suitcase and left the cabin, laptop in hand. Of all the glimpses of memories I have, that fucking flight here is the most vivid. Especially when I awoke on it…I shuddered at the memory. Nope, I adamantly refuse to fly, no fucking way.

I heard him sigh behind me and the shift of his book bag as he slung it on his back. "Know where we are?" He asked once he caught up with me, our normal routine (according to my notebook) for every destination we came to.

"Texas."

"Right! And who're we meeting up with?"

"Seme-Man and Straight-Boy." I smirked, just waiting for it to sink in.

"Hey!" He whined after a second, scowling at me. "Come on, you're not supposed to remember that."

Ah, but writing it down every day in my journal entries makes it quite hard to forget. Of course, my dear little brother doesn't know that. Grinning over my shoulder at him, I stepped off the train and turned to him, dipping low in a mock bow and holding my hand out for him to use.

"Oh, fuck off." He growled, jumping down and muttering under his breath.

"Tatsuha!" A childlike voice yelled over the crowd just seconds before my little brother was tackled to the ground.

Sakuma Ryuichi, looking at him, one would believe he was a retard with the personality of a three year old with that goofy look on his face and that pink bunny in his hands. Yet…this was the one man who could turn my brother uke. Fuck, in all honesty, I thought _I_ would turn bottom before Tats did. I mean, there was a time I had actually considered it…when I was sixteen.

And right now he looked anything but seme with those big innocent looking eyes and a silly smile on his lips, perched atop Tats. And just like Shuichi, he wore clothes that would look bad on anyone else—I mean, who the hell would an extra large orange sweatshirt look good on except my baby? And here was this man dressed in a baggy, wrinkled black shirt and black jeans with a blue baseball cap pulled down over his eyes. Yet he still somehow looked…sexy.

Then there was my brother, lying prone beneath the pop rock idol and a look of pure joy on his face as those black eyes sparkled at seeing his lover. With his hands on Ryu's hips and one knee between his legs, Ryu's ass lying against it, and the childish man propped above him with his hands on either side of Tatsuha's head, they were attracting quite a crowd.

"Hey love." Tatsuha whispered just loud enough for the three of us to hear. Ryuichi's expression turned…well, older, and he softly smiled downward.

"Hey." He dipped down and rested their foreheads together, their eyes telling me all I needed to know about their relationship. They had both missed each other greatly and searching like this had been hard on them as well.

"Will you two stop it already?" Miaka growled, making all three of us look up. Shuichi's sister, I only had the pleasure of meeting her twice…though twice is more than enough for me. She was just as energetic as her brother, but just more annoying. I don't think I could've handled Shuichi if he had been like her instead, she was just too intense for my taste.

Hiro came up from behind her and shook his head, "All we've heard from him this week is "Tatsuha, Tatsuha, Tatsuha"." He chuckled.

I gave him a weak smile, "Ryu is pretty prevalent in our conversations as well."

"Is that true Tat-kun?" Ryuichi asked, as the picked themselves up off the ground, his eyes alight with delight at being talked about it.

He gave a sheepish smile, "Well, yeah."

"Yay!" Throwing his arms around Tatsuha's neck, he laughed, "So then you really did miss me?"

I saw that mischievous glint enter my brother's eyes and knew exactly what it meant. "Lemme show you just how much…" He murmured, wrapping his arms around the man's waist, and Ryu smiled back. Leading the star away, he looked at me and said, "We'll be checking into the hotel now."

Miaka clenched her fists and stormed after them yelling, "You don't even know where the hell the hotel is, you idiots!"

Hiro and I remained where we were as the crowd watched the trio leave in astonishment and then sighed, "Remind me to never let those two be together again. How the hell did you deal with it?"

I smirked, "Just be happy you don't have to deal with the five hour phone calls every night."

"That's why he disappears so early for the night!"

"And you should see his phone bill." I snickered as I picked up my luggage and began my slow walk through the crowd. My leg was a bit stiff from the train ride, there wasn't enough room there to do my normal stretches and exercises properly and so I was reduced to a slow, agonizing pace through the crowded station.

Appearing beside me, Hiro looked me up and down and observed, "You're not using your cane."

"I've been able to get to where only on the worst of days or after hours of walking do I need it anymore." I answered, lifting my suitcase for him to see my cane lying on top of it and strapped down.

He nodded, but fell silent as we made our way through the station.

------

I hadn't expected so many people here, I had thought most of America traveled by airplane now, but then I guess if I'm terrified of flying, there will be others that are as well. The concrete flooring clacked loudly beneath the hundreds of feet as people's voices reached me as incoherent noise. The train's chugging noise accompanied by a whistle every couple minutes slowly dimmed as we made our way to the front of the station. Walking out of the building, I stared up at the most deserted town I have ever seen, I can now see why Hiro had chosen this place to meet. Who the hell would know a couple out of country celebrities here? Dirt roads and horses lined the streets, though people were dressed in jeans and such like the city. Glancing at Hiro, we made our way to where we would be spending the night.

The two story hotel looked anything like the sorts. Six windows on each floor stared back at me between the cream white siding and the wrap around porch made it look more like a home than a hotel—hell, it is a home.

Hiro sighed and glanced at me, "I hope you don't mind, but Ryuichi booked the rooms and we're sharing one."

"It's fine." I said, moving up the stairs to the red door. I believe the Americans had a saying that a red door meant a friendly home or something…

((Oh my God!)) A shrill yell came before I even touched the door handle. The door burst open and a young woman threw her arms around me and hugged my neck to the point of breaking it. ((Eiri Yuki! I'm your biggest fan in the whole world.))

I remained still, waiting for her to calm down, and sighed inwardly. What was that about no one here recognizing Japanese celebrities? I hadn't known that my work was so popular as to reach here, a secluded town that was chosen just for that reason. Having three celebrities traveling the States did bring quite a bit of attention—especially now.

((I love all your books and even read the original Japanese versions!))

Well, that takes cussing her out in Japanese… ((Ma'am, it's a pleasure to meet you. I had not planned to meet one, such as yourself, in this beautiful town.))

Large blue eyes looked up at me from beneath dark brown bangs, full of awe. Blushing prettily, the woman finally let go of my now aching neck. ((Thank you,)) she smiled, ((I'm Kate Harris and I'm honored to meet you.))

Giving her my 'I'm a sweet guy' smile, I said, ((And I would introduce myself to you but I believe you already know me.))

She laughed and then ushered us into the house, greeting Hiro next, but of course not so energetically. She had us sign their log and then handed us our keys. ((Supper is at six sharp and breakfast is at nine tomorrow mornin'. And we do expect you to wash up before you sit down, or there'll be nothin' for ya'll. Okay?))

Instead of answering, I asked, ((Are you the innkeeper?)) Maybe I had misjudged her age? I thought she looked to be about nineteen…

((No, my mam is the innkeeper and I just help out when I can.)) She smiled, her brown hair falling over her shoulder.

((Ah.))

((Oh! Let me show you to your room.)) She said, grabbing my hand and pulling me up the stairs. ((I hope you don't mind that your friends already chose a room.))

((Of course not.)) I muttered, trying to disengage my hand in vain.

Much to my relief, she released my hand and opened the door to our room. ((If you need anything just call!)) Then with an innocent smile and a wink, she was down the hall and out of sight.

"That was a rather unpleasant surprise." I deadpanned, stepping into the small two bed and one bath room. Letting my suitcase drop beside the closest bed, I carefully laid my laptop on top and sat beside it, wincing as my leg tensed painfully in response.

"I never knew you were so popular." Hiro grinned, his suitcase already by his bed.

"Neither did I." I groaned, falling back into the plush bed. At least this was more comfortable than those fucking train beds.

"You've come a long way from where you were in the hospital…" Hiro suddenly said, his eyes grave as he stared at me.

I stared back, "I've worked hard to get to where I am."

"I never meant to say you hadn't, only you've surprised everyone in your recovery."

"I needed to so I could help search." I whispered, staring at my gimp leg, flexing the muscles and clenching my teeth in pain. So I had overdone it this time… Shit, Tatsuha was going to kill me if he finds out.

"Does it hurt?"

"Sometimes, but not near as much as my heart." The words were more to myself than to him as I carefully maneuvered myself onto the bed and set to my exercises. I've learned much about the abilities of the subconscious as well as my long term memory. If I do it enough, it'll eventually become part of it and so it has for my exercises. Tatsuha said he has me do these twice a day, once in the morning and once before I sleep—something about if I don't relax the muscles before I sleep it's much more painful when I awaken again. I decided to trust him instead of testing out the theory for myself, despite that I wouldn't remember experimenting anyway…

Hiro watched silently as I began to flex my heel, pushing my toes towards the ground and then up towards my face, stretching the muscles in my foot as well as my calf. Then I turned on my side and began a set of leg lifts, pausing in the air for five seconds before slowly lowering it back down—this was to strengthen my leg and I did four sets of these a night. Next I turn onto my back once more and do the leg lifts vertically now, pausing in the air again and doing the four sets with a minute rest between. It's amazing how much muscle I've gained over the last couple weeks, when I had left the hospital, my left leg looked more like a white stick than a well toned leg, but now it had gained mass and muscle and gained back that toned look. I could still see the difference in color if I wanted to, but for the most part, I looked normal, except when I overexerted myself like today.

Letting my leg drop back to the bed, I slid off the side and set my feet beneath the bed and bent my knees painfully. Positioning myself as best possible, I set my hands behind my head and began my round of sit ups, the one I hated the most though my abs looked great now.

"Why sit ups?" Hiro asked after I finished a set.

Not even sweating yet, I looked over at him, "Because it flexes the tendons, builds muscle and bends my hip joint as well as my ankle and knee. It works everything I need it to in two movements."

"Then the others are a warm up, right?"

"Hai." I gave him a small smile before beginning my next of five sets.

------

A knock to our door disrupted our wonderful staring contest. After I finished my therapy session, I collapsed on my bed to rest and Hiro decided to become a vulture, watching my every move. I was just about to demand to know why the hell he was staring at me when the knock had us both on our feet.

"Hey! You two comin' out? Supper's ready." Tatsuha yelled in Japanese. "Oh, and aniki, did you do your exercises."

Opening the door, I scowled at my very molested looking brother. His hair was all pushed to one side, his clothes ruffled and he had that slight 'just got fucked' haze in his eyes. "Yes mother, I have."

"All of them?" He asked, looking at me closely.

"Get the hell out of my face before I hit you." I warned, I was not in the mood for joking or nonsense. Hiro's stares were annoying me to the point of breaking and now he has me in a bad mood. Why the hell is that guy staring at me like that anyway?

"Whoa, what the hell happened in there?"

Growling, I pushed passed him and into the hall where a very pleased Ryuichi stood, his clothes a little off and his hair slightly mussed, but now I could see the seme in him. The way his gaze remained on my brother's back, watching his every move and looking for anyone who approached him too closely, and how he held himself reminded me very much of myself. It was just a top man thing, we watched over our weaker halves and protected them from anything that might hurt them—too bad I learned that too late.

"Well fuck, hey Hiro, tell me how you managed to make him that mad? I've been trying to find out for _years_!"

I stopped momentarily before Ryuichi and looked right at him, my mouth set in a thin line as my eyes locked with his. "Don't break his heart." I whispered, "He's now yours to care for." Then without another word, I continued down the hall, leaving the other two baffled. But I had seen Ryuichi's nod, his consent to the task I have given him as my brother's keeper.

- - -

Miaka was already downstairs waiting for us and I immediately took my seat at the end of the table, my brooding keeping everyone except my brother away from me. Just how I liked it anyway, I couldn't wait to just get the hell away from them so it was just us to again. Hey, I'm not being difficult or trying to hoard my brother away from his lover, but it was just…much simpler with the two of us.

Kate came out just as we all sat down with an older woman following her, who I presume is her mother, and set down a country supper. Mashed potatoes, roast beef, ham, green beans, corn bread and sweet honey butter. The two women joined us for dinner and I smirked as Tatsuha picked up his fork left handed, since his right was a bit busy with Ryu's left. "Oh, I hope ya'll don't mind if I speak in Japanese," Kate suddenly said, "I've studied it since I was ten."

"We don't mind at all." I smiled, becoming pleasant again. Time to play the gracious celebrity and win over the affections of the sweet young woman…I hate playing this.

"This is my mother, Jane, and my father is away for now, he's a congressman for our county."

I nodded and passed the ham to Tatsuha. "I am Eiri Yuki, to my right is my brother Tatsuha, then Ryuichi Sakuma, next is Miaka Shindou and lastly is Hiroshi Naganako. Only myself, Ryuichi and Hiro speak English though."

She nodded and translated for her mother, who sat there looking quite uncomfortable. "Oh! Well, that's wonderful, never thought those lessons would come in handy now."

The rest of supper lasped into quite conversation and murmured praise of the food, but as the day wore on, I began to tire of conversing. Seeing Tats and Ryu so happy was too much of a reminder of how Shuichi and I were and the more I thought about my love, the more I sunk into depression. Yet it wasn't until after dessert, cheesecake, did the women move to take the plates away.

Playing the ever gracious man, I stood and helped bring the dishes back and put them in the sink, trying to step out of the way of Kate, who kept trying to brush up against me. That girl had been eying me all night, what the fuck was with people and staring at me? It was getting fucking annoying! Ignoring her, I grabbed the last of the dishes off the table and trekked back to the kitchen again, setting them down into the sink.

Thin arms wrapped around my stomach and I could feel her breath on my neck. Her blue eyes peeked up at me and she smiled, "If you get…cold tonight, you could sleep in my room, it's much warmer." She hinted, her eyes narrowing to be more seductive.

Carefully pulling out of her grip, I smiled sweetly, "Unfortunately my bed will be more than warm enough. Please don't concern yourself with my welfare and good night." I turned away, ignoring her stutterings and pleads to wait, and walked back into the dining room where Tatsuha was pulling out those Memory cards.

He looked up at me, Ryuichi's arm around his neck, and grinned, "Up to a game of Memory aniki? Ryu and Hiro said they play too."

I shook my head, "Not tonight." I murmured, heading back to my room.

"Aniki?" I heard the screech of the chair as he pushed away from the table and stopped in the living room. "Aniki, what's wrong?"

"I just feel like getting away from all of this Tats, I might go for a walk later, but that fucking girl just came onto me and I just…" I looked away, I didn't want to tell him how much seeing him and Ryu together reminded me of Shu and I. "I just want to get away for a little bit, okay?"

His hand fell on my shoulder, making me look back at him, "Just take your cane with you, okay? You're limping pretty badly aniki and don't go too far."

I gave him a weak smile, "I won't."

- - -

I hadn't even gotten my jacket on before I found Hiro standing in the doorway, a grim look on his face. "We need to talk." I remained silent, just waiting as he closed the door behind him and then locked it. "It's about Shuichi."

My breath hitched, "What about him?" I whispered.

"Seguchi-san just called me and told me that they just received a report that Shuichi had been in a hospital in Japan. They said they hadn't said anything yet because Shuichi told them not to and it took a lot of coaxing from Seguchi-san to get them to break that oath."

"What? What happened?" I asked, almost panicky now.

He looked down, "They said he came in about a week after his disappearance on a stretcher, apparently he cut his wrists again…they said he had taken aspirin as well, he was truly aiming for suicide this time, Yuki-san."

I slowly sat down on the bed, "Go on."

"He lost a great deal of blood and at the time they didn't recognize him, they said he had dyed his hair black and he was too pale to make any connection to him. They didn't dare do a blood test because he had already lost so much, they had to call in a donor to save him, but they said he was alive when he left."

"_Left?_ They let him leave?" I growled lowly.

"No, he paid off the guards—he was going to be placed in a mental hospital—and slipped out in the night, dressed as a civilian. They only caught him leaving because a staff member said she thought he looked off, uncertain of where he was and his wrists were bandaged, but she didn't think anything of it at the time. She said a lot of people came in who were injured in some accident to visit others or just out-patient care. She thought he was just an out-patient and helped him to the door. It wasn't until after someone found Shuichi gone that they put two and two together."

"Do they have any clues to his whereabouts?"

He shook his head, "No…all they know is he was talking about you and how he killed you."

I closed my eyes and nodded, taking it all in. After a minute, I stood, grabbing my laptop and my cane, and slipped my shoes on. "I'm going for a walk." I whispered, barely even acknowledging him as I left, I needed time to think.

------

Pulling out my laptop, I breathed deep of the cool air and started my laptop up. I took the cigarette from my mouth and blew a cloud of smoke out, letting the nicotine calm me as I looked up at the clear night sky. You can see the stars so much better when you're not in the city; it's so beautiful to see a sky full of stars, filling that black void with glimmers of light.

Letting my head drop back, I shifted on the bench and closed my eyes. I had a dream last night about my life, it had to do with that night Shuichi disappeared. Yet just like a dream, it slipped away, just barely in my grasp. When I had awaken this morning, I almost swore I knew exactly what happened and yet even before I had the chance to write it down, it was gone and all I could catch were the wisps of it.

- - -

My computer beeped and I looked down at the screen before typing in my boot up password and waiting another minute before typing in my second password. I watched as my background—a silly picture Shuichi had drawn for me on Paint and then placed as my background one day—loaded and then my icons. It didn't take me long to log onto my wireless browser and bring up my past websites. An ongoing map dedicated to tracking us and any clues to Shu's whereabouts, it was a fan run website, and a live radio station site.

I had picked up on Tats habits of constantly listening to music and now it had become a regular thing to where it's hard to write without music playing in the background. I pulled out my headphones and tuned into a New York station that had been around since I visited it as a child. It was a well rounded station, they played everything from classics to hard rock and I liked the variety I could get.

The song playing was a soft mournful song that just happened to fit my mood exactly, how wonderful. I closed my eyes and let the beat flow through me, fill me and let me feel what the singer was saying. I wonder if Shuichi is doing just this…

Hearing that he was in a hospital worried me, but it also gave me hope. There was a trail and it would eventually have to lead to Shuichi and we had learned something. He had dyed his hair black and even if I had to return to Japan and start over, I will find him in the end. Yet I couldn't keep that nagging thought out of my head, that one doubt that continued to return despite how many times I denied it: Did he know I was alive and looking for him and just decide to ignore it? Does he hate me now?

Growling, I turned the volume up and opened Word, letting my hands rest over the keyboard and my frustration flow out of me in a jumble of words. All my emotions flowed from my heart and into my fingertips, forming the words I could not and I lost myself in that torrent of music and emotions.

I don't know how long I lost myself in that mix of raw emotions, but something snapped me out of it. My hands paused over the keyboard and I blinked away the tears blurring my vision. Shit, first I was too emotionless and now…I'm too emotional. I closed down the document, saving it under 'drabble24.doc' and looked at my watch, I should be heading back by now.

_--ver knew you  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken  
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete  
_

My hand paused, this song…is familiar.

_  
Voices tell me I should carry on  
But I am swimming in an ocean all alone  
Baby, my baby  
It's written on your face  
You still wonder if we made a big mistake  
_

I knew that voice, I don't know how many times I've heard it scream, cry, sing, laugh, whisper… "Shuichi…?" I whispered, almost as if it would disappear if I spoke too loudly. That sweet voice, it had been almost three months since I had heard that voice speak to me.

_  
I've tried to go on like I never knew you  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken  
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete  
_

I covered my eyes with my hand, silent sobs wracking my chest. I had found him, I had found him and in the one place I had never thought to check. Shuichi, my heart and my soul, his voice was still just as beautiful, had I ever told him that?

_  
I don't mean to drag it on,  
But I can't seem to let you go  
I don't wanna face this world alone_

_I don't wanna let you go  
_

This…song's about me. He still thinks he's killed me! Those simplistic yet heartfelt words were his, I knew how he wrote and sang, there was no denying it was him, but why? Why hadn't we heard from him? Picking my laptop up, I hugged it close to my heart, wishing instead of cool metal I was hugging Shuichi's warm body.

_  
I've tried to go on like I never knew you  
I'm awake but my world is half asleep  
I pray for this heart to be unbroken  
But without you all I'm going to be is incomplete _

Incomplete

"And that would be _Incomplete_, from the new upcoming Australian pop artist _Last Breath_ that has taken America by storm! Check out his debut CD in any store and don't forget! In two days we'll be there live in Australia for this mystery pop star's first concert." A young chipper voice said before I tore the headphones off.

"Shuichi…" I whispered as I fell apart on that bench, it wasn't all in vain…

I've found him.

Dhampir  
Page 14  
09/07/05

* * *

**My Note:** First off, I want to apologize, once again, for the late update. Because of some trouble for funding for school, all my time had been taken up at the college trying to solve that stupid FAFSA thing.

Also, I wrote this all in one day and so any mistakes, I do apologize, though I did look.

Oh yeah, and if anyone's wondering Why Australia? It's because pretty much…I don't hear anything from Australia because it's so secluded all alone out there and so I thought it'd be the best place for a pop star to go, I mean, that's where I'd go if I wanted to just disappear for a while…

**Reviews:**

**Heartless Writer:** Ah yes, my poor attempts at comedy are in this chapter as well. I do try to keep it from being as serious as _CTIA_ though still trying to keep that angst edge in there…hopefully it's working…sorta.

**Nekosune:** Hey, sorry I haven't gotten to send it to you yet, I've been having some trouble with my compy—again—and I finally got it sorted out, I think, and so I'll be e-mailing you those stories in a day or two.

**I love athrun:** Don't take this the wrong way or anything, but is "It is good but do a new chapter" a template response or something? I see that a lot…

**Tiki-chan:** I'm a sucker for happy endings too, though it's the sad ones that make you cry.

**Pikapikaryuchan:** Wow, I'm someone's hero…never been that before, I feel special! Can you tell I'm tired…? It's…3am here…oOo, I should be asleep -- (I only resort to those when I'm brain dead)

**Herion Girl:** You know…I had started this story off with all minds of fluffiness and nothing else…but somewhere in there, my angsty side came out and changed the whole story.

**Ryu Sakuma:** I love seme Ryu…sexy, very. You should look more into that!

**Kolie:** Hey girl! I feel bad too…geez, I made the worst mistake too, I wrote the last part of this chapter after watching the end of Ai No Kusabi—I cried! still cries Man, and that music at the end moves me so much… cries more And thank you, I don't know too much about heart attacks except what I've heard and learned from school, so it means a lot when you say it was written well. (You're still the better writer)

**Ashley Vulpix:** But it's so much fun to be cruel to him! No…not really, I love Yuki. It's kinda like…when one thing goes wrong, everything else does, neh? Hehe, hmm, I'll have to keep the perverted stuff for later… ponders And I don't know Dr. Ten…?

**Ashcat:** Okay, I usually only answer questions and such…but I just had to say "WOW!" for reading through the prequel and then eleven more chapters in one night. Hehe, and yeah, that's kind of what I was going for in the "What is Shuichi thinking?" The first one had everyone thinking what is Yuki thinking and so I switched, only downfall is now no one knows what Shuichi's thinking. And I can say, once you get into his head, it's hard to get out of his and into someone else's…And you're welcome, thanks for reading.

**MasterChiefLover:** Hehe, yeah that was part of Yuki's memory skipping. Things kinda… just pop up, but sorry for the confusion! If you need me to explain anything, just ask.

**Tammy-love:** I've updated! Hehe, sorry for the long wait.

And once again, thank you for everyone who reviewed, they really mean a lot to me and I take each one into consideration and gratification. Thank you all for sticking through all these chapters, I feel back into groove with this story, back into sync...if that makes any sense.


	13. If I Tell You Goodbye

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters  
**Note:** If, for some weird reason, you don't know this by now, this is a sequel to _Cutting Through It All_. Please read that one first, trust me, you won't understand everything without it.

* * *

**Without You I Am Lost**  
_Chapter 13_

Remember when I said I'd never set foot on a plane again, even if I had to take a fucking boat back to Japan? Yeah, forget I ever said that. Why, you ask? Because right now I'm standing in the terminal before Gate 27 that is leaving for Australia in five minutes. This is it, right here, right now. If I get on, there's no way I'm getting off until I'm in Australia—not enough time—and if I don't…well then I risk losing Shuichi again.

Ah shit, does it always have to be so complicated? Keep my life and maybe never see Shuichi again or die in a plane crash and never see Shuichi again. Okay, so I'm being dramatic, I am allowed to do that every now and then you know.

Gripping my laptop case tightly in my left hand, I slowly began walking towards the stewardess, my ticket in hand. I'm using my cane now, too much walking and jostling through the fucking airport injured my leg, and I knew without looking down that my knuckles were white with fear. Yes, I said fear. I know, I'm Mr. Cold Bastard, not afraid of anything or anyone, except three things: Flying, clowns and mice. And don't you fucking tell anyone I'm afraid of mice either, not even Shuichi knows that one. Though I guess losing Shuichi counts as a fear as well, so then it's four things.

I handed the stewardess my ticket and made my way down the boarding hall, you know that flimsy, organ like wall that's always a disgusting color of off white or dingy yellow that you have to walk through to get to the plane. Every time I step onto one of these, I wonder if it'll collapse while I'm in it—if that happened I sure as hell really would never step foot on a plane again.

There were two people in front of me and I looked ahead at the smiling stewardess waiting to greet people at the plane door and direct them to their seats. I kept my emotions schooled and straightened my back as I approached the stewardess. She smiled and pointed the young woman ahead of me to her seat before turning to me with that fake smile—that oddly dropped into a gape of disbelief.

"Oh hell no, not you again." She said, staring at me with obvious contempt and… fear?

Me again? What's this 'again' thing? Do I know her? Did I fuck her? Damn it, she does look familiar, but then again so did many of the women I fucked. Frowning, I asked, "Excuse me?"

She glared at me, "I am not working with you again. Hell no, there's no fucking way they can pay me enough to be on the plane with you psycho again."

Now I'm a psycho, who exactly is this woman? "What the hell are you talking about?" I growled, my patience wearing thin.

"You don't remember? I was your stewardess on your plane in here and you put us all through hell and back when you woke up and started goin' crazy."

Ah, now I get it. She's the stewardess Tatsuha was telling me about, something about me scaring her and then almost attacking her when I woke up again—I don't really remember. "I don't care what you do, but I have a long flight ahead of me and I do not like planes, so if you'll excuse me, I'll find my own seat and leave you to your business."

"Oh, I know you don't like planes, so why don't you do both of us a favor and get off?" She said, huffing.

"Trust me, I would if I had the choice," I growled, my temper thinning quickly, "but if you want to help me out you can leave and get out of my fucking way."

The stewardess—Cindy—pallored and quickly fled my presence, leaving a couple attendants staring oddly at me. Shit, I can't help it she wants to be fucking hard headed, I can be hard headed too and I will win that contest. Moving through the airplane, I found my seat…occupied.

The muscular man looked up from his magazine and cocked an eyebrow, "You gotta a problem?" He asked, clearly American. I hate Americans…

I really don't need this right now, "You're in my seat."

"Yeah, I didn't like the window seats here, too cramped, so I took the aisle seat instead." He continued to stare at me, challenging me to say anything.

"That's great, now get out." I growled.

"Or what little man? You'll beat me up?" He laughed, "Look, we'll all get along a lot better if we switch seats."

"If I wanted the fucking window seat, I would've asked for a window seat, but I didn't. Now get out of my fucking seat." Count to ten, count to ten, count to ten… One, two, three—

"Hey now, there are children on the plane buddy." He warned, "So just sit down and enjoy the ride."

—four, "I suggest you move because I want my seat, this seat." Five, six—

"Well, I want this one too and I need the room." The man crossed his arms over his chest, flexing his biceps. Oh, that's just so threatening.

Seven. Eight. "I will tell you once more, get out of my seat or you won't like the outcome." Nine.

Laughing, the man shook his head slapped me hard on the shoulder. "You're gonna threaten me and I'm supposed to be scared?"

Fuck ten. One through nine didn't work and ten as hell isn't going to work. I narrowed my eyes and wrapped my hand around his throat before he could react. "I don't like window seats, I don't want the window seat, I want my aisle seat, away from the window and away from you. I am mad, stressed and tired, so I suggest you move before you anger me any more." I squeezed his throat tighter, making him grip my wrist in shock. "Are you going to move?" I growled, lowering my face inches from his.

Fear flooded his eyes and he nodded quickly in assent, he'd probably do anything to get me to stop choking him. I waited another couple seconds before finally releasing him and watched silently as he coughed and dragged in breath after breath of air. Shit, I hadn't cut off his oxygen that bad and his throat won't even have bruises from where I held him, though I can see my finger prints right now… "Y-yeah, sure, you can have both seats, okay?" He skittishly moved out of my seat and stumbled down the aisle as I watched him leave.

Don't ever mess with a pissed Japanese novelist.

**-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-**

"Attention all passengers, please return to your seats and buckle up, we'll be landing shortly. Thank you for flying with Southwest Airlines."

I am going to kill that voice. They have been saying that for the last twenty minutes and we'll still be "landing shortly". And the damn Americans are still walking around! I haven't slept, I haven't eaten, I haven't even moved to pee and I am fucking pissed with flying. Is this what happened last time? How long does it take to land a plane, it certainly didn't take long to take off! Do they enjoy being in the sky or something, is that why it takes longer to land? Do they want to waste their gas until we're running on fumes?

Tapping my fingers repeatedly on the armrest, I tried to calm my nerves, my eyes straying to the empty seat next to me. Still hasn't come back…I wonder if he found another seat or just abandoned the plane. My knee began to nervously bounce up and down, all while I took in everything I saw—how the hell can these people be calm?

"Sir? Are you all right?" A steward asked me, his large green eyes blinking innocently.

"Fine." I grated.

"You don't look it, are you ill?"

I looked away from him, "I'm not ill."

The young man looked over his shoulder and called down the aisle, "Mary, this guy's sick so I'm gonna sit with him until we land."

_Sit with me?_ **With** me. "I don't—"  
now who's afraid of flying and who's not."

He didn't even wait for me to finish, just sat down in the seat next to me and turned my way, smiling. Shit, he's gay, isn't he? "I've been doing this long enough to know who's afraid of flying and who's not."

I nodded curtly and fixed my eyes on the seat in front of me. Maybe if I think hard enough, he'll get the hint and go away…

No luck, he just shifted closer. "I can also tell who's not exactly straight and who's hot." He purred and I couldn't help but glance at him.

Smooth brown hair framed his face—not like Shuichi's, this kid's is shorter—and those glass green eyes had a spark of mischief in them as he smirked at me, his chin in one hand while the other lay in his lap. Okay, so not 'glance', just shut up. "I'm not interested."

His eyes roved up and down my body before rising to meet my eyes again. "You certainly seem to be."

Glaring, I tore my gaze away and focused my thoughts more towards a certain pink haired singer who drove me crazy. "Then I'm taken."

"Liar."

"I am not lying."

"You are, people always look away when they're lying."

Damn this kid was getting annoying! I looked back at him, "How old are you?"

"Eighteen, I'm legal." He waggled his eyebrows.

"And how many partners?"

"Hey, I'm clean, but I've had at least twenty."

"And I've had at least fifty," I fixed my eyes on his, not turning away, "but I am not interested in fucking you."

He sighed, "Then can I fuck you?"

"No!"

"You're no fun." He pouted.

I rolled my eyes, "I'm so sorry."

"You should be! I haven't had sex in four months, no one's gay on these flights."

"And I've gone a year and a half without sex, so what? Why the hell are you talking to me anyway?"

"Because, I see a hot guy sitting alone looking like he needs some company. Do you honestly think I'm stupid enough to pass up that opportunity?" He asked, carefully reaching out to touch my thigh.

I grabbed his wrist lightly and put it on the armrest, "Look, I hate flying and I'm pissed off." Well, nothing else I've done has worked, might as well tell him the truth. "If I had been flying here for business a couple years ago, this would've worked out and we'd be fucking in the bathroom, but not anymore. The only reason I'm on a fucking plane is because I had to get to Australia today because that's where my lover is, my only lover."

Shock filled his eyes as he asked, "You're…flying here for him?"

"Yes."

"But why isn't he with you?"

"He thinks I'm dead and I thought he was in America." Why the hell was I telling him all this?

He looked down, "My lo—ex-lover would never do something like that for me." I cocked an eyebrow and he continued, "He kept using me, my body, and then throw me out. I love him with all my heart and soul, but I couldn't stand his cool demeanor towards me any longer. So I ran away and jumped on the nearest airline and somehow ended up with a job as a steward instead of going to Alaska."

I didn't answer, no answer deemed necessary, and just nodded, my eyes straying to the window. Clouds were streaming passed up, blue sky peeking through them, and I could just see the gentle sunrays reflecting off the window.

"It's beautiful, isn't it?" The boy's voice broke the peaceful silence and my eyes returned to him, his gaze directed out the window now. "I never tire of seeing it, I love flying…to see the ocean so vast below us and the cities from an aerial view have stunned me time and time again. I don't think I could ever give this up."

"Hn." Damn it, why couldn't I just tell the kid to shut up and get the fuck away from me? I wanted to, I wanted him to stop talking and leave me alone, and yet I couldn't. "What's your name?"

"Huh?" He tilted his head as he turned back to me, his tongue darting out to lick his lips.

"Baka, your name, don't tell me you don't know it." I smirked.

He scowled in return, "Of course I do and it's Michael." He paused, staring at me expectantly, and finally huffed, "It's not polite to not introduce yourself after I have."

"Yuki Eiri."

"_The_ Yuki Eiri?" Michael's eyes widened, "Holy shit! You are him, damn I thought you looked familiar but I thought…fuck."

I groaned, why the hell did I tell him my name? "Yes, _the_ Yuki Eiri, now will you shut up?"

"Attention all passengers, we will be beginning our descent momentarily, please take your seats and prepare for some turbulence." The captain announced and immediately the plane lurched downward, making me grip at the seat in front of me quickly.

I closed my eyes, fighting off the tremors I could feel in my hands, shit, I can't do this. Shit…I have to do this. "Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck." I whispered, keeping my eyes tightly closed and my hands attached to the seat.

"Hey, we've leveled off, just a bad patch of air is all." Michael's calm voice did nothing for me and as we tilted again, I found my hands gripping tighter into the plastic, my hands were going to fucking hurt if I survived this.

"I'll be sure to tell paramedics that when they ask why the hell we fucking crashed." I snapped harshly, glaring at him momentarily before another jerk of the plane had me quivering with fright. "I need a stiff drink." I muttered under my breath. That's what I should've done, drunk myself into a stupor and forget this horrendous experience. I am never flying again and this time I fucking mean it. The plane tilted again and I cringed, my muscles tense and my entire body shaking. "Does the fucking pilot know how to fucking land a plane?" I yelled suddenly as it lurched again.

I hate planes.

**-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-**

Australia, why the hell did he have to choose a fucking island in the middle of the ocean? Why not Europe, Russia, hell, even Alaska would be better than Australia. Out of every place he could go, he chooses the one that takes a _long_ plane trip. I don't care if we have to swim back to Japan or we decide to live in Australia, but planes are out of the question.

I practically ran off the plane right when it landed, ready to kiss the ground when I saw it. For some reason I gave Michael my address if he ever needed a place to stay, I guess my thanks for helping me through the landing, but still…that brat must be rubbing off on me more than I knew. He talked to me the entire time, his voice calming and soothing as I cursed like a sailor every time we hit the least bit of turbulence. I don't even want to think about what I would've done if he hadn't been there to keep me under control, and why could he? He's not exactly special or something and yet I found my temper curbed and my fears eased, only Shuichi had ever been able to do that. Maybe it's because they're so alike in some ways…

Anyway, now I'm standing, once again, in a terminal except now I have no fucking clue where to go. At least I knew what I was doing when I was still in Texas, now I'm just standing lost in an airport where there's probably only one other person who speaks fluent Japanese on the whole damn continent.

"Lost mate?" A voice asked from behind me, smooth and feminine with a thick accent.

I turned, debating if I should tell her to fuck off or answer the question, I was lost after all. I stared at the woman, starting with her tennis shoes and moving up her cleanly shaven legs to the hip hugging shorts and to the bright blue tank top she wore. Maybe she was a tour guide or something… "Yeah, I am."

"You looked like a tourist." She grinned, her dark hair pulled back into a ponytail.

"Like that was hard to figure out." I muttered as I trudged away from the woman, my passport in hand and already approved.

For some reason she decided to follow me, her hands clasped behind her back, "So, tell me what you're lookin' for."

"Why do you care?"

"Because I can help, I know Australia like the back of my hand."

"No one wants to help without wanting something in return." I had said those words to Shuichi once…was it really true? Because if so…no, Shuichi's a special case, he never wants anything in return and always wants to help everyone.

"I might want something, but not yet."

I let out an exasperated sigh, "I'm looking for where _Last Breath's_ concert is being held and a way to it."

The woman's eyes darkened a shade, "You flew from America to see a concert? I mean, _Last Breath_ is great and talented but—"

"I have other reasons for being here as well."

"Other reasons…?" She pried carefully, damn, did she take lessons from Tohma or something.

I glared, "Yes, 'other reasons' that you're not privy to." Wasn't it just my luck that I keep finding these people who want nothing more than to make my life more miserable?

"Come on, tell me why you're here if not for the concert alone."

"Why the hell do you care?" I retorted before turning away again. And again, she followed. Did she not get the clue that I want her to leave me the hell alone?

"I'm protective of them." I guess not. She cut me off a couple yards from the main entrance and looked me up and down judgingly.

Great, now I'm a piece of meat. "Look, I am very pissed off, I haven't slept in over a day, I haven't eaten, I haven't relaxed and I am losing my patience. So if you can't help me then get out of my way so I can find someone who can." I pushed passed her and got another couple feet before she called out to me.

"The concert is sold out and in less than two hours. I'm on my way there now."

Sold out? Hell, that's never stopped me before; I can get into and out of anything on this planet, including a little debut concert. But in less than two hours…? I'm already stressed out, my stomach ulcer is doing flips and I'm running off of will power alone. "I'll find a way if I must." I stated curtly, pushing my aching muscles to walk forward again.

There was a pause before her voice came to me in a hushed whisper. "You really want to see them, don't you?"

"Only the singer."

She appeared before me, smiling, and rolled her eyes, "Yeah, yeah, everyone only ever cares about the lead singer, like he's the entire band."

"I never said that."

"But that's what you meant." She sang. Okay, now I truly am becoming annoyed with people today. Why did I have to become a famous author instead of a hermit, they have much more peaceful lives in my opinion.

"You're annoying." I said flatly, staring down at the woman, how old is she anyway? Twenty-two, twenty-five?

"And you're hot." She winked.

Well, that was the last think I was expecting her to say. "Will you just leave me alone? I'm having a fucking bad week—hell, make that a bad _month_—and I don't need your badgering above it all."

She huffed and crossed her arms, her hip shifting as she did so. "For your information, I'm their producer and anyone who wants to see my baby has to go through me first."

_Baby?_ "Producer?"

"What, never heard the word before?" I suppressed a growl, glowering at her. "Answer me one simple question and if you answer right, I'll get you into the concert. Deal?"

I stared down at her, searching her deep forest green eyes for what she was up to, but I saw nothing. "Fine." I finally answered.

"What's the lead singer's name?"

"Shindou Shuichi."

"Why'd you give his last name first?"

I sighed, "Because he's Japanese and that's how we introduce ourselves."

"How old is he?"

"You said one question, I have already answered two."

She grinned, "Sorry, I'm just protective of—"

"I know." I snapped, surprising her with the venom in my voice. I don't want to hear anyone call _my_ Shuichi 'baby', unless it's me of course.

The woman clapped her hands together and then extended her right, smiling again. "Well, Maria's my name and I'm the producer of 'Last Breath'."

"Yu—" I stopped and shook her hand, forgetting again that this wasn't Japan. "Eiri Yuki."

"Well Eiri, let's go, it's a long trip and we'll already miss the beginning." She smiled over her shoulder at me and then began leading me through the crowd.

I followed her out of the airport and to a nearby car that a valet had been watching. She nodded her thanks and climbed into her car, leaving me standing on the drop off walk. I'm a speeder; maybe a reckless driver, and I have no qualms about putting my life on the line when the steering wheel is before me, but a fucking jeep? Without any doors to boot? I looked up at the sky and sighed, where's the rain? It should be raining. "Miss the beginning?" I asked, carefully pulling myself into the jeep, damn my leg is throbbing. Tatsuha is going to kill me when he finds out about this.

"Yeah, the concert starts in…oh, about an hour or so." She grinned as she turned the ignition key.

Buckling up, I set my laptop on my lap and held on tightly to it. I carefully maneuvered my left leg, grimacing at the stiffness, and placed my cane between my legs. Shit, Tatsuha is going to kill me when he finds out I haven't been doing my exercises … "But we're two hours away."

"I know mate, don't worry though, I promise we'll get there."

"Yeah, after it's over." I muttered as she peeled out onto the road.

She huffed and pressed on the gas. "Hey, I'm doin' you a favor, so don't go mouthin' off to me."

"I thought the concert was in two days."

"Mate, you came from America, that's a twelve hour flight, and then there's the time differences. Anyway, _I'm_ their producer so I think I know when their concert is."

"Could've fooled me." I muttered.

"Asshole."

Yeah, I'm a jerk, I like to be thank you. I watched as we passed car after car down the highway, thinking about what the hell I'm going to say to Shuichi when I finally see him again. Has me moved on? Did he have a new life? Would…would he even want me back? Tearful mauve eyes flashed in my mind, I had seen that look so many times that I don't know if it's a memory from that night or from before. Damn, why did I have to make him cry so much? I gave a deep sigh and booted up my laptop, I had to set this to paper now before I forgot it, though I'm afraid of what will happen if we go around a sharp turn.

I quickly entered my password and clicked into Word. Bringing up my previous document, I scrolled to the bottom and thought about what I wanted to say. It's odd, despite my being a famous author who has been bestowed with many awards and honors, I still have problems writing down my own feelings and memories—though the memory part isn't too hard to understand. I know I need to do this, but at the same time, I dread it. What if someone else reads this? What is Shuichi does? Do I want him to? I don't think I do, but then it might be good if he does? But what will he think if he sees what I've written? Will he hate me, blame himself, leave or will everything stay the same? I wonder if I've gone through these questions before…

_I'm finally closing in on my search. It's been months now since I last saw him, though I cannot recollect most of it. For me…it only feels like a week has passed while in reality it has been much longer than that. I cannot stop these questions that plague my mind, though I do not know if it is every day or not. I cannot help but wonder what Shuichi will think or do when he sees me alive…Has he moved on without me? Or has he stayed? Does he have a new life? I know he has a new singing career, that's how I found him, but does that mean he's fallen in love with someone else now? Does having a new career mean having a new lover?  
I don't think I want to know these answers either. I'm afraid and I'll be the first to admit it, though only to myself. I don't know what I'll do if Shuichi doesn't want me back, or if he's happy with his new life now. I know we have been searching for months and months now, but what will he do when he finds out I have not suffered enough for what I did to him…or at least what I believe is my fault. I'm quite certain it's my fault he believes I'm dead and has fled the country, I have a nagging feeling that I did something stupid that would make me worthy of the name "baka".  
I think…I think it's that I ignored him. I see that now, I got my idea for my book and started writing without a thought to my poor lover who must've been devastated that I hadn't called him since. I don't know what possessed me to be such a pig headed idiot as that, but I know I can be and I believe I have been. That night is still unclear to me as well, all I know is that we fought…I think…and that my heart and body hurt badly.  
I found him though, despite my shortcomings, but it was still only because of his voice that I found him. I went out walking yesterday to clear my thoughts because of that woman in Texas at the inn and stumbled across a song by him. Oh, they didn't mention his name or anything but I knew it was him by his voice, there was no mistaking it. I've heard that voice at every octave, every depth and every scream, I know his voice by heart and I would never mistake his for anyone else's. I couldn't help but fall to my knees in silent prayer when I heard that beautiful voice again, gods how I've missed it. Everything about him I have missed and so I am taking this chance to be with him again.  
I only hope he let's me and hasn't forgotten me…_

Stopping there, I shut down my laptop and closed it; placing it once more in it's case and holding it close to my side. I saw her glance at me a couple times while I was writing, but she remained quiet and I ignored her. "What were you doing at the airport if you're their producer?" I asked, looking out the window. That thought had been nagging me since she mentioned herself as their producer…now that I think about it, is she even a producer? She seems quite relaxed for one, even unprofessional, such a difference from Tohma, the only producer I know.

"I was supposed to pick up a contact of mine, but he didn't show up and you caught my eye. Just pure luck mate." She grinned, slowly turning onto an exit ramp. When all I did was nod, she cocked an eyebrow at me and said, "Not too talkative are you?"

"Not really."

She rolled her eyes again and flipped the radio on. Country, why the hell does it has to be country? With everything else that's happened today, I don't need some droning music about how a guy's car broke down or their man's been cheating on them or how "good little girls are mighty wild women." Like I care, oh, and good little girls become good little women, not wild in the least.

"Idiocy." I muttered as another song began about sunny skies or something.

She glanced at my sour look and smiled, "You should lighten up some."

I snorted and shifted in my seat so I was facing away from her and closed my eyes. I don't want to talk, or sing along or play nice. All I want is to see Shuichi again. Holding my memories close, I tried to focus on something else as the wind continued to knock my sunglasses off. Growling, I finally stuffed them in my pocket and cursed the hot weather and sticky air. Why the hell did I choose to wear dark pants and a silk shirt?

"You're luck." Maria yelled over the wind and music, "This week's supposed to be quite cool."

Can she read minds now too? "Why are you helping me? For all you know I could be a rapist or something."

"Rapist?" She laughed, "You? I don't think so. You don't even look like you could hurt a fly."

"You'd be surprised." I muttered and turned away from her again, squinting at the sun. I could hear her murmuring about something, but I chose to ignore her, as I'm certain it's about me. What tie did this woman really have with Shu? 'Baby' isn't exactly the way a producer refers to her contacts. Or maybe that's how they do in Australia. Then again, maybe it had a deeper meaning than she's letting on. Fuck, jet lag's a bitch, I finally get used to American time and now I'm—what? …Fourteen hours ahead and still without sleep. Whatever happened to normal?

Sighing, I closed my eyes again and pictured beautiful amethyst irises, taunt muscle, tanned honey skin and a shade of pink that would only look sexy on him. I wonder…just how much he's changed.

**-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-()-**

"Will you wake up already?" Someone muttered, shaking my shoulder. I moaned and swatted at the annoyance, turning back to comforting sleep. "Ow, you bastard that hurt!"

My eyes snapped open when pain lanced my arm and I turned to stare at the brown haired, green-eyed woman glaring at me. "What the hell do you think you're doing?" I bellowed, gritting my teeth in anger. Who the hell was this woman? And why the hell am I with her?

Her glare disappeared as the anger left her eyes and was replaced with deep confusion. "Huh?" She asked, plopping back into her seat.

"What do you mean 'huh'? You fucking punch me and then you act like a fucking idiot?" Most people get to wake up with a kiss or a soft caress, but no, I get to wake up to being punched in the arm and a headache at the loud noise around me. Why am I so special?

"You're going to have to speak in English mate, 'cause I don't understand Japanese."

Great, now I'm confused. Now that I think about it, she has been speaking in English since she first opened her mouth, but why? "Who are you?" I asked, frowning. "And where am I?" I looked around at my surroundings, it almost looked like America but I don't recognize anything…though that's not surprising with my memory. So why am I here with some woman instead of with Tatsuha in…shit, I don't remember. I know we were meeting up with Hiro and…and someone else, it doesn't really matter anyway, to see where we had covered and if we had discovered anything new. But that's it. I don't remember anything about a woman or a jeep _without doors_—who the hell made that legal?

"That isn't funny Mr. Yuki," she growled, "for your information I'm ranked two in the top ten Women of Industry."

"That doesn't answer my question." I said flatly, still trying to sort out my jumbled memories.

"Well it should! I don't appreciate being forgotten after only two hours Mr. Yuki."

I sighed, completely lost, and rubbed my temple against my impending headache. Where the hell is all that damnable noise coming from? "I…have short term memory loss. I forget things, usually monetary details, but I don't remember you or where and why I'm here."

Once again, her anger dissipated quickly and she blinked owlishly at me. "Oh." She said, her voice quiet as she continued to stare, "well, that makes things difficult now doesn't it."

I resisted the urge to roll my eyes and answered impassively. "A little." I turned towards the noise and stared up at a black brick club with graffiti on the front and a neon sign. _TEASE_, how original. But shit, the parking lot certainly looks packed. I could just hear the beat of drums, screaming of lovesick fans and strums of an electric guitar, but it was the soft voice beneath it all that caught my ears. That voice… I slowly slid out of the jeep, wincing as my injured leg bore the weight of my own stubbornness, and began my slow, limping walk towards the only door I saw.

"Do you remember anything about '_Last Breath_'?" The woman asked from behind me, her very demeanor changing into a more serious role.

Scenes flashed before my eyes: An airport, Shuichi, this woman, a park and a beautiful voice that I longed to hear once more with my own ears. "Vaguely…" I whispered as I continued towards the door. Why did that name bring so many pieces of my shredded memory to the surface? Why does my heart feel like lead in my chest and my stomach twisted in knots? Whose voice is… "Shuichi's singing, isn't he?" I asked, almost afraid to utter what I wish with all my being to be true. It almost doesn't seem possible to be true, I've been searching for so long now—though I don't remember it—and overcome so much and now I've finally found him. Please gods, don't let this be some trick.

"Yes, that's him." She answered and I couldn't ignore the steel in her voice. Ripping my eyes away from that plain black door that I knew Shuichi would lie behind, I turned to the woman. With her arms crossed over her chest and her intense green gaze upon me, she looked almost as intimidating as me. "I brought you here because you've been looking for him and knew who he was, but let me warn you of one thing mate: If you hurt my boyfriend in any way, I'll castrate you where you stand."

I hadn't even begun processing her words before she disappeared behind the black door and into the darkness beyond. "Boy…friend?" I whispered, staring at the closed door. Shuichi is dating her? _My_ Shuichi? But Shuichi is _my_ boyfriend, _my_ lover and no one else's. He couldn't be anyone else's; Shuichi is only and always mine… But he thinks I'm dead and has been for months so it's only natural for him to move on.

I took another step towards the door and then hesitated. If he's happy then what right do I have to ruin that? If he's truly happy, something I have never been able to give him, then maybe I should just leave him be. But…fuck do I want to see him again—no, I _need_ to see him again and I want to know what happened that night. I know nothing of that night except feeling confused and hurt, but I don't know why no matter how I try to remember.

_Tell me what, you'd think if I was saying goodbye._

How I love that voice…oh, how I have wanted to hear that voice every morning since my waking to this nightmare. I cannot give him up so easily, even if it is true what that woman said. Clenching my fists, I took another step and then another, somehow finding the will power to press forward. I'll decide once I see him again, I'll be able to see exactly how he feels because he cannot hide his soul from me when he sings.  
I ignored the protest of my weakening leg as I climbed the stairs, gritting my teeth against the pain. I can always work on strengthening it later, but this is a chance I may not get again. Opening the door, I stepped into the darkness and paused long enough to let my eyes adjust to the dim lit club.

_—ou think if I was saying goodbye.  
A life of love instead but I'm too old too cry._

Following that melodic voice, I found on the stage with him, just out of view, and next to that woman again. Grabbing a hold of the chair in front of me, I balanced myself to keep from falling to my knees in awe. My lover, my beautiful, energetic, lovable pink haired baka stood only mere yards from me, singing to a crowded club that was certain to be sold out.

"Shui—" I whispered, my voice failing me for the first time in my life—or at least I think—at the sight of him. I studied him from head to toe, taking in every inch of his body, and found I couldn't turn away from him.

His body was still lean and womanly with his thin waist and delicate figure, but I could see the muscle in his arms and the strength in his legs as those tight leather pants moved with him as if a second skin. The silk black top left nothing to the imagination as it caressed his developed abs and flat stomach though leaving just enough room between his pants to show a wonderful expanse of honey tanned skin.

_Hey now I get up and run away.  
Some how I'll make it through another day.  
I know my life will be the same, again._

I couldn't see his face as his newly dyed hair hid it from my view, but I knew without looking that his eyes were closed as he sung and that between every pause, that talented tongue of his would appear to wet his lips. His beautiful pink hair, that would only look sexy on my baka, was now streaked with black and shorter, just falling above his now pierced ears. I watched, transfixed, as he ran his hand through his hair and then let his hand fall slowly down his neck, chest and stomach before resting at his side again.

_Wait now, I never meant to fall apart.  
Some how you lost your way into my heart.  
I know my life will be the same again, the same again._

As he hit another high note, he pressed his body flush against the microphone stand, his lips hovering over the mic, and wrapped both hands around the mic's base. The music slowed and with it, so did Shuichi, his voice now deep and slow as his eyes remained closed. Yet I barely noticed the music thrumming in my ears as Shuichi drew me into his torrent of emotions with his voice.

_Could you just,  
Tell me what you'd think if I was saying goodbye.  
A life of love instead but I'm too old too cry,  
Love instead but I'm too old too cry._

My eyes closed against the tears I felt. His words, his songs…his voice portrayed the loneliness, the yearning and the sorrow and anger he felt, though only those who knew him would ever recognize it. A solitary tear slipped down my face as I watched him fight his own, it was I who made him this way. This beautiful creature had been shattered by my own stupidity again, but no matter what I did, I just couldn't let him go. I had chosen the moment I saw him despite my reserve to wait and watch, I wouldn't leave him again. Despite what that woman said, he still loved me and was hurting because of it.

_Wait now, if I get up and run away.  
Will I ever know if I should have stayed?  
I know my life can't be the same again._

"You can hear it too, can't you?" She asked, her voice bringing the name Mary or something to mind, though I could care less at this moment in time.

Yes, gods yes. "He's grieving." I answered in a hushed whisper.

"For someone he lost in his past." She sighed, "He refuses to talk about it with anyone, but I can see it in his eyes. He holds a void there and nothing seems to fill it except when he sings."

Singing, his only other love. "How did you find him?" I asked, the words tumbling from my lips before I could stop them.

_Hey now, I didn't mean to fall apart,  
Not now, I'll make it in before it starts.  
I know my life can't be the same again, same again_

"Pure luck." She answered, leaning against a support beam near her. I spared her a quick glance before my eyes returned to my lover. "A couple friends and I were at a bar in Sydney and I happened to hear him humming a song. He looked pretty lonely there so I dragged him over to sit with me and pleaded for him to sing a song until he finally did. I can't say I wasn't surprised when he chose a Japanese song, but I know talent when I hear it and he's full of it.

"He came to live with me after a couple meet-ins at the bar. He knew barely enough English to get him around and so I took it upon myself to teach him, but even after he knew enough to talk about his past, he still refused. I don't know why, but I don't pry where I'm not wanted and so instead I signed him onto my title company and he's been singing ever since. Though he was a bit reluctant to go pro…for some reason."

_You think you know, something about me,  
Everything about me is different now  
(everything about me is different now)._

Yeah, that reason happens to be he's a pro in Japan, but I'm not about to tell her that. "But you know who he is." I said, my eyes not leaving Shuichi for even a second. He smiled at the crowd as he introduced his band members with such a wave of enthusiasm it could kill someone, but I saw passed the façade immediately. Where his smile once was filled with admiration and love, only emptiness could be found, and while he laughed and rallied the crowd with unending energy, the passion was gone from his words.

"Yeah, but not until I signed him onto my company." She answered after a moment.

If I hadn't been so enraptured with seeing Shuichi after so long, I would've called her on that lie. Producers made it their business to know who was on top and bottom in the world, there was no way she wouldn't have recognized Shuichi immediately. But to say the least, I could care less.

As he began a new song, we both fell silent and I let my eyes rove over his body with closer detail. I immediately sought out signs of cutting and found it on his wrists where two large, thick black leather cuffs covered what I already knew lay beneath. So he was back to cutting again and this time I doubt anyone knew about it. He had been getting better at hiding such things, I remember Hiro telling me a couple months ago that despite never seeing a cut he knew Shuichi had been.

Damn it! If only I could remember, I could help him! I have never felt so useless like this, my damaged memory keeps complicating things. I probably could've found him weeks ago if I had been able to remember, but I couldn't and I can't. Yeah, I'm getting better, but it might be years before I'm all right again. My memories were like dreams now, there but fleeting and just beyond my grasp, always beyond my grasp. Damn it! How can I help him if I can't even help myself? I've tried physiatrists, therapists, medication, alcohol, doctors and every short of banging my head against the wall, but I can't forget it. I can't forget what I did to him and drove him to, no matter how much I want to. _I_ drove him to this, _I_ chased him away, _I_ scarred him so deeply that what Kitizawa did to me seems petty when I look at what I did to him.

"You guys are great! What a great place for our debut concert." Shuichi yelled into the mic, smiling for the crowd who erupted into screams and cheers. He laughed, sticking his tongue out, and waved. "We've gone one last song for you guys tonight. It's a Japanese song by _Bad Luck_ but I thought you'd like it."

"A _Bad Luck_ song? Why would he sing from a past I thought he was trying to forget? Killing the one you love—accidentally, purposely, truly or not—isn't something you want to remember. And I know Tohma will soon be listening to this and he'd recognize Shuichi's voice immediately. Was he trying to be found?

_With a terrified look in the eyes, spit those irritated feelings into the fickle wind,  
The signal that melted into the cracked roadway is leaving only a scar behind. _

Before the drowsy noise blurs away tomorrow, chase after those ambitiously resounding footsteps.

I always told him he had no talent, but even sung in English it sounded perfect…that brat. I have heard this song hundreds of times and yet each time has me standing breathless at his voice. I've never overcome how his voice can send shivers down my spine…but this time it's different.

_That unfulfillable emotion that never settles down somewhere-- just decide to ignore it, then overtake it.  
Aim for the loophole in this shy, trembling society, for the place we keep struggling towards. I want new world. _

Before…all this mess, he sung full of determination to prove me wrong and an unexplainable attraction to me. Even after we became lovers, this song remained determined in nature as a symbol of his talent—that I still refuse to admit he might have.

_If you bare your claws at your swarming anxieties, you'll be snapped back by unfamiliar lies, and the unbearable times will adorn the rust-covered roads with agitation _

Stuff your bag with nothing but velvet coins. We don't need a map of the maze-like dreams.

But now all I heard was a faint shadow of what this song once was. His sorrow and pain flooded his voice and left something wanting. It still sounded beautiful and is still powerful at rousing the audience, but it lacked his fire, that spark that made him shine above everyone else. He had lost it and all I see now is the shell of who I know he is.

_From the tidal-wave's pounding rhythm to the glittering silver passion, it's all just temptation's strategic pull. Your fragile eyes beat on the door we can go through as we still keep on searching. You just a new world… _

…trying to keep with waves/water/tides image there, like being caught in an undertow, but not sure if that's the best way to phrase it...

My Shuichi is loud, colorful, idiotic, fun, free, annoying, a crybaby, clingy, whiny, beautiful, sexy, irresistibly cute, loving and in one word, alive. My Shuichi doesn't know when to be quiet, he doesn't know how cute he looks when he sleeps or how fuckable he looks when he's wearing my shirt, he doesn't know how to sit still and he doesn't know when to give up.

I had finally found him to find out this isn't him at all.

_I can still hear the accumulated tears carving their paths into Main Street, warping the sound of those footsteps. _

That unfulfillable emotion that never settles down somewhere-- just decide to ignore it, then overtake it. Aim for the loophole in this shy, trembling society, for the place we keep struggling towards. I want new world.

"Thanks for coming out and don't forget our debut album comes out next week!" He yelled, his English slightly slurred with his accent. "Ja ne!" He yelled as the stage darkened and the cheers died down to chatter.

I remained where I was as the other three band members walked passed me without a glance, talking about the concert and ways to improve. But Shuichi still hadn't moved from where he stood, his hands still resting on the mic. His head was bent, his bangs obscuring his eyes from sight, and I could barely stop the hand around my heart from clenching. Even in the dim light of the club, I could tell he's crying and I have no fuckin' idea what to do. I've never been good at comforting others, it's always made me uncomfortable, and I don't even know why he's crying.

"Shuichi?" The producer asked, stepping towards him.

My lover sniffled and quickly wiped his eyes childishly with his sleeve. "Hey Marie," ah, so that's her name, "so good concert, right?"

She beamed and rested a hand on his shoulder, which sent a spike of jealousy through me. "Good? It was great!"

He gave her a real smile and wrapped his arm around her waist. I bit my lip as he spoke, "So, you want to go celebrate?"

I took a step backwards, so what she said is true, they're together and he's moved on. _'Tell me what you'd think if I was saying goodbye?'_ Did he really mean that? What if that song is for me because he's finally moving on? Shit, what the hell do I do now? I know I said I'd see him no matter what…but his smile is so serene even if his eyes are void of emotion. He's not truly happy, but he's content…is that enough?

"Actually," Marie said, snapping me from my thoughts as she pulled him towards me, "there's someone I want you to meet."

No, no, no, no, no, this couldn't be happening. No, I don't want to see him with someone else! I took another step back, shit, I've never felt this panicked before since I got a call from him that night.

Shuichi groaned and shook his head, "Not another one of your 'high and might' friends." He whined as he let her pull him along.

"No, not one of my friends." Only a couple feet, sparse seconds to decide what to do. I can still slip away, but…

"Then a reporter."

My breath caught as those eyes looked up at me, widening a breadth when we locked eyes. And suddenly, I couldn't move an inch. "He's one of your friends."

He stopped short, his entire body trembling as he covered his mouth with one hand. "Yuki." His voice was barely a whisper and yet I heard more emotion in my name than I did in his entire concert.

Shit, what the hell do I do? I know what I want to do and how, but I have no fucking clue where I stand in this tryst. How serious are they? I can tell just by Shuichi's eyes that he still holds me in his heart, but is it enough? Taking a breath, I stepped towards him and gave him the best smile I could, reaching out to brush his bangs aside lightly. "I finally found you."

Tears filled his eyes and he reached a trembling hand towards me, his fingers hovering over my cheek as if afraid I'd shatter before his eyes. "You're alive?" He asked, gently caressing the side of my face with his fingertips.

"Yes love." I covered his hand with my own and leaned my cheek into his touch, a sigh escaping my lips. I wanted to cry, I wanted to hug him, kiss him all over and never let go, but before I had the chance to do any of that, I watched as he collapsed at my feet in a heap of tears and whispered words.

Dhampir  
Page 17  
01-24-06

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Well, that was a long break! And I will tell you right now, putting all those little symbols in to make it italics throughout this chapter was aggravating. Oh well, well worth it!

Everyone, sorry for the very long wait. My computer broke and my stories went bye-bye. So, I've had to write my stories on the family computer and therefore I have to be very careful of what I write, my mother would kill me if she knew half the stuff I wrote. Also, I hate when people look over my shoulder when I'm writing…so yeah, that left me about ten minutes a week to write.

Sorry again, but hopefully you enjoyed this chapter and I can get them out sooner now… crosses fingers Thanks for everyone's support!

First song: Voodoo Blue, _Too Old To Cry_  
Second song: Bad Luck, _Rage Beat_ (That's the only translation I liked that I could find…because my computer broke, I also lost all the episodes of Gravitation! Cries…)

Also, from the last chapter: Backstreet Boys, _Incomplete_

_**Reviews:**_

_Eternally Faithful: Yeah, you're right about the spelling corrections, I feel so bad about that..._

Tammy-love: Hopefully this chapter answers your questions...hehe, evil me.

Ana The McLover: Unfortunately, no MSN. But Dhampyr17 is my AIM and DhampirsCurse is my Yahoo, if that helps any. Also, "Last Breath" came from my head and no where else. I don't know why, but I was just thinking about it and it's the first one that popped into my head and I couldn't think of any other name that fit him more perfectly.

Lovin' It: Sorry, yeah, the song fit, trust me I was going crazy about it being Backstreet Boys. The only reason I even heard the song was because I was forced to listen to the entire CD... talk about torture!

Kolie: You're still the better writer! And yeah, that was a Backstreet Boys song...

Kai's grrl: Hehe, I can't tell everything about the plot! You'd lose interest then.

As always, I've read everyone's reviews (even the one's demanding an update and being mean-ish) and appreciate them all (yes, that means those one's too). Thanks again everyone for being patient and still being fans all the way through this! Hopefully this wasn't a let down at all...


	14. Finding You

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_, nor any of the characters.

**Note:** Again, if for some reason you haven't figured out yet that this is the sequel to _Cutting Through It All,_ then please read that before continuing…though I guess by now it doesn't really matter.

Also, thank you to HeartlessWriter and Ashley for their help on this chapter!

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Chapter Fourteen  
_

.  
Months of searching, weeks of worrying, endless days of dead ends and agonizing hours of wondering where Shuichi is, all to end in the least expected place: Australia.

My lover now lay crying at my feet and all those romantic scenes I'd written for my novels finally came in handy so even a fucked up, emotionless—slowly melting—ice block like myself knew what to do. I fell to my knees and gathered him gingerly into my arms. Burying my face into his hair, I closed my eyes against the onslaught of tears and failed miserably at keeping my voice steady. "Gods, love, don't ever leave me again. Never." I whispered, breathing in his scent.

I could feel his hands clenched around my shirt, gripping the fabric with all his might as he cried into my chest, his body trembling with the sobs. This is the baka I know, the one who'd come bawling into my arms until he fell asleep with a smile on his lips. "Yuki." He choked out, his throat constricted with tears of his own.

My arms tightened around his tremulous frame, scooting him closer as we remained on the floor. I could feel tears pricking my eyes as I breathed in his scent, gods, he's really here in my arms and it isn't just another damnable dream this time. I can feel his muscles rising and falling with each sob, his tears soaking my shirt and his hands bringing me closer. My arms tightened again and I buried deeper into his hair, kissing those locks again and again. "I thought I'd never find you. We've been all over America looking for you, I was certain you'd go there."

"I…you—I though you were d-dead." He whispered and I couldn't help but shiver at the feel of his lips on my neck. He moved closer so his knees were on either side of my waist and he finally lifted his face, those wide, beautiful, expressive violets I love so much shyly locking onto mine. "Yuki…" Tears welled up again as he reached out to lightly trace my lips.

I gently smiled at the nymph on my lap and used my thumbs to wipe away his tears. It was obvious that his separation was just as hard on him as it was on me, probably even harder considering I can't remember most of it. I leaned down and softly kissed his forehead, more than content to just have him in my arms again. True, it barely felt like a week with my fucked up memory, but even a week without my baka is too long. "I like the new look." A broken smile came to my lips as my well controlled emotions began to crack as I lightly flicked a black streak in his hair.

He beamed up at my and cutely cocked his head as he giggled. "Well, I thought I could use a new look from my old one."

"That's what a new look is, baka."

"Hey!" He pouted, "I haven't seen you in months and you're already calling me names?"

"But it's a pet name." I teased.

And just like that his mood changed again, back to sobbing and holding onto me tightly. "I never thought I'd hear that name again, never thought I'd hear your voice again a-and—" He stopped as his voice choked with tears.

I brushed my hand through his hair and rocked him back and forth, my own tears mingling with his. "It'll be okay, I promise, it'll be okay."

.  
After a couple minutes, I felt him shift in my arms and wipe his eyes. "I had heard you were alive…but I didn't know if I should believe it, gods, I wanted to, but I didn't want to face it being a lie."

Had heard I'm alive? From who and how? "Well, believe it because it isn't a lie."

He snuggled closer, sighing in content. "How did you know where to find me?" He asked yawning. Looking closer, I noticed the dark circles under his eyes and estimated that it had to be after midnight now and he looked like he hadn't gotten a full night's sleep in a while. Not to mention my own fatigue from my own lack of sleep as well as jetlag.

"Why don't we leave those questions for tomorrow?" I asked, my mind reeling to remember just how I knew where to look for him. I slowly eased both of us off the floor, my leg spasming beneath the weight. I clenched my teeth and carefully brought my damaged leg closer to the other, hoping Shuichi hadn't noticed it. "We can ta—"

"No!" Shuichi cried out, grabbing me around the waist and burying his face into my side. "No, you can't leave me again Yuki, please, don't leave me."

A sense of déjà vu overcame me as I looked down at my lover, like I had played out this scene before…but somewhat differently. I tilted Shuichi's chin upward and gave him a reassuring smile, "I'm not going anywhere and I won't leave you."

He didn't let me go, but I watched as he once more searched my eyes, looking for something there. I've known him for years, know his body better than anyone on this earth and yet I still don't know what he's looking for when he does that, but he must've found it because he faintly smiled and sighed in relief. Loosening his grip, he licked his chapped lips and whispered, "Then…stay with me?"

I hesitated before saying, "But…"

I hadn't even gotten passed that one word before his eyes filled with pain and betrayal, "Oh…then I'll just—"

"No!" I cried, fearful that if I let him walk away now I'd never get him back. Grabbing his arm, I pulled him back towards me before he had the chance to leave. "Not like that, but…I just thought…" Damn, this is harder than I thought.

"Thought?" He prodded, those eyes now watching me warily. I stared back at him, those violet depths darkening a shade while he waited for my answer.

He…he's waiting for me to dump him. Even after coming all this way to see him and endless searching, he still thinks I'm going to leave him… "Won't your girlfriend object?" I finally asked, my own emotions guarded as I waited for his response.

Yet to my surprise, his face screwed into sudden confusion, "Girl…friend?" He slowly questioned. "What are you talking about?"

I frowned, what game is he playing here? "Your producer said she's your girlfriend."

Light bulb. "Oh! No, not like that, really. It was something we started to…" he coughed, "well, she wanted to try it out a-and so we did, but it didn't work because I still love you and everything so we're not really like that, though we were for a little while, but not anymore—"

"_Shuichi._" I warned, effectively stopping his babbling.

"We just keep it up for appearances to keep away the fans." He took a step towards me and laid his hand on my chest, "There's only one person for me and he's definitely not a woman."

"Unlike you." I smirked, the words popping out before I had a chance to even think them through.

"Yu-u-uki! You're so mean." He wailed, pouting at me.

I chuckled lightly against my will and messed his hair. "Come on, time for bed." I turned to leave, but I found myself pulled to a stop in the first three steps.

Looking over my shoulder, I found my hand being held between Shuichi's. "You'll stay with me, right?" He asked, biting his bottom lip.

"Do you think I'll let you go?" I asked in all seriousness.

My lover smiled widely and shook his head childishly. "Nope." He took two steps and, standing on his toes, stretched upward to give me a chaste kiss on the lips.

Oh gods, it was practically a brush of lips, but damn he tasted good and just that little taste had passion rushing through my veins. "Shu…" I whispered as he began to pull away.

Marie coughed, startling us. "I leave and come back and you two are still at it." She reprimanded but there was a grin on her lips.

Shuichi laughed—and I glared of course—and scratched his head. "Sorry Marie."

Damn it, I finally find him and she has to come barging in and ruin it. "Is there something you want?" I snapped, my eyes narrowing in annoyance. I don't know why I dislike her so much, it could be that she hit me, could be that she lied to me or it could be that she dated Shuichi. Yup, definitely the last one.

"Yuki, be nice! She really helped me out when I first got here." My lover said, pleading silently with his eyes for me to shut up.

"She lied to me."

"To protect _me._"

"Then she hit me."

"So she could—eh?" His face tilted in confusion and looked from me to Marie. "Why'd she do that?"

"To wake the bastard up." She snorted.

Shuichi scrunched his face in thought, "Well, he is a deep sleeper…"

Placing a possessive arm around Shuichi's shoulders, I kept my gaze fixed on Marie and silently threatened her to just try and take a step towards _my_ Shuichi. "Well, if you don't mind, we're both tired and we have many things to discuss, so I'll just be blunt. Say what the hell you want to and then leave us alone."

Her eyes narrowed and she crossed her arms over her chest. "Well, I'll be blunt as well mate, don't you hurt my baby or you'll be the one suffering the consequences. What Shuichi sees in you I don't know, but I trust his judgment and so I won't interfere—yet." Turning from me, she gave Shuichi a brilliant smile and waved a flippant 'bye' while shouting, "See ya Friday babe." Then she was out the door and hopefully out of our lives.

"Right!" He grinned, though weakly.

.  
We watched silently as she left the building, leaving the two of us alone again. That was easier than I thought…okay, so I might be a little overbearing, but no one can blame me. The one person I have been searching for is finally within my reach once more and I'm not about to give him up so everybody else better just got the fuck away.

"Yuki!" Shu chastised, "You shouldn't be so mean."

Damn, now he's just adorable and those lips stuck out in a pout is making my blood run. "But I want to keep you to myself Shu-han, even if only for a single night." I murmured, looking indigent and hurt that he thought I'd just be cruel for no reason. Eh, so I might be anyway.

He practically melted at the words, yeah, yeah, so I know how to make him forget everything else, sue me. "Oh, Yu-mmph!" I think I like hearing my name whispered into my mouth, I'll have to do that more often—if I remember. Taking it slowly, I first only tasted his lips, my hand steadying his chin, and leisurely moved closer to the sinuous singer beside me. It wasn't long before I found a love starved man in my arms and I didn't have to ask twice for entrance to his mouth.

My lover quickly opened his lips and I moved in to savor him, my tongue tracing the contour of his lips, his gums, his teeth and moving farther back until our tongues met in a bittersweet lock. My eyes slid closed as I savored his familiar taste of strawberries, innocence and chocolate, no pocky, and even I couldn't stop the moan trapped in my throat. Damn, it had been too long since I had taken this one simple and yet utterly guilty pleasure that belonged solely to me. Pressing closer, Shuichi let out a moan that rivaled my own and I could feel the tears on my face again, though if they were my own or his I'm not certain, maybe both.

We finally pulled away and he trembled against me, tears trailing down his face and muffling small sobs into my shirt. "Y-Yuki." He choked out, burying his face deeper into my chest, "If I had known that you—"

"Hush, I know and it's all right." I said, wrapping one arm around his waist and petting his hair with my other.

"But I left you—"

"And I left you once as well." I pointed out before he could continue. I knew this road he's been taking, knew it all too well before meeting Shuichi, and all it leads to is isolation. He hurt me by leaving as well as himself, so they only sensible thing to do is shut yourself away, therefore you never become close enough to anyone for it to hurt again. "Why don't we leave all of this until tomorrow, okay?"

I think my words surprised him because the pain was forgotten and only confusion remained, "Huh?"

"Baka," I chuckled, "why don't we rest and eat before tackling the rest of this? A lot has happened, but too much to deal with in one night and you look like you could use the sleep." And I could use a chance to figure out just I'm going to explain the mess that I've become.

He gave me a small smile and nodded, pulling me towards the back door where I came in, my damaged leg lagging behind us. "I love you Yuki." He said, leaning into my side and closing his eyes briefly.

All of this felt so surreal and all I can find myself hoping is that I won't forget this. Though I know by the morning after next I won't remember a damn thing. I tried to keep the disheartening thought off my face as I turned slightly to kiss his temple, but it kept nagging me in the back of my mind. "And I you, always Shu-han."

He murred at the words and gave me a love drunk smile as he opened the door that led outside. "Come on, you'll love my house." He said seductively, but something was distracting me from falling into his attempt to seduce me.

"Hold on." I said as my leg spasmed again, damn, I guess those exercises really do help, as well as the massages. My cane! Shit, how the hell did I forget that? I turned and limped back to the table a couple feet away to grab my laptop and cane. When I returned, leaning heavily upon my cane, I met Shuichi's hooded eyes.

"You're walking with a cane?" He whispered, refusing to look me straight in the eye.

"Yes, I…had a stroke and it left me with…" I swept my hand down my left leg in response, admitting weaknesses isn't exactly a strong point of mine.

"Oh." Still looking down, he led me down the stairs and towards the white limo waiting for us. He opened the door for me and then slid in beside me, careful not to get too close as I arranged my cane and laptop somewhere near by but out of the way. I looked at the pink and black haired man next to me and frowned, uncertain of this new behavior.

"Shu?" I asked, for the first time completely uncertain of how to continue. I didn't think Shuichi of all people would be so affected by my sudden defectiveness. When he didn't respond, I reached out to stroke his cheek and recoiled as if hit when he flinched at my touch. I carefully returned my hand to my lap and tried to hide the hurt so blatant in my eyes at the silent rejection. "You don't have to do this." I whispered, sounding so unlike myself as I sat next to my lover, or is it _ex_-lover now?

Maybe it was my words, maybe it was my tone or maybe it was just plain luck that made Shuichi look up at me, but for whatever reason, he turned those beautiful violets to mine and worried over his bottom lip. "Do what Yuki?" He asked, his voice hushed to an almost inaudible whisper.

"Force yourself. I know I'm no longer perfect, but I thought that…that you wouldn't care about my leg." I finally said after a couple minutes of silence. "Hell, I was never perfect, but gods Shu, if you can't look at me, then you can't possibly want anything else to do with me."

Shuichi's eyes widened in shock, "I-it's not that, Yuki. It isn't!"

"Then what?" I asked, cursing myself silently for sounding so dejected.

He began playing with his hands, twisting and wrinkling the hem of his pants while he lowered his eyes. "It's my fault, isn't it? I'm the one who hurt you." He whispered, refusing to look at me.

His fault? How so? There are so many holes in my memory, so many questions I need to ask…but now was not the right time. "No. It's not your fault; I was being a jack ass I'm sure." I answered carefully, pulling his prone body flush against mine. Now is the perfect time to tell him…right? He sniffled into my shirt, but pressed closer; keeping his eyes downcast as I rubbed my hand soothingly up and down his back.

After a couple minutes, his small frame relaxed against mine and I sighed, letting my head fall back against the seat. Where to start…damn it, how the hell do I break it lightly to him that I don't remember a fucking thing except a vague recollection of time passing and flashes of memories I should recollect? Or should I start from the very beginning, which I guess would be my last clear memory? It felt as if it were only yesterday he arrived at my door tearful and fretful, but after that I barely remember more than the emotions and pain from something.

Maybe I should just let it be tonight…or maybe not. He has a right to know, but…no, I _need_ to know what happened that night in my apartment and so he has to know as well why I don't remember anything. I know I've been an idiot because, now thinking back, I spent so much fucking time locked away in my office that he must've felt abandoned and for that I wanted to repeatedly hit myself, but that would solve nothing. So then what would? I'm the idiot in this relationship, not him, but I don't want to reopen slowly healing wounds with something like 'Guess what Shu? I can't remember a fucking thing!' But…

"Shuichi…" I started as I finally made eye contact with the pop star—or at least tried to. It's quite hard to do when those beautiful eyes are closed in peaceful slumber. Ah well, I guess my decision's already been made for me! Aw shit…that means another sleepless night for me and I'm really not looking forward to that.

Well, nothing I could do about that except find some damn way to stay awake. Pulling out my cell phone from my pant pocket—thankfully on the opposite side Shuichi's sleeping on—and powered the damn contraption. I had better call Tatsuha at least and tell him where I am before my pictures are plastered all over the world.

—_**Flashback—**_

_"I don't care Tohma. What I care about is Shuichi and I'm calling not to set up lunch but to know why Shuichi hasn't been found yet."_

_"He's very good at evading such things Eiri-san. He always has been."_

_"Listen very carefully Tohma, I want you to do everything in your power—that means searches, postings, getting his face into the media around the fucking world!—to find him. Do you understand?"_

_There was a short pause before he answered, "I understand."_

"And if you don't, then I'll do it myself." I growled before hanging up on him. Oddly enough, I felt a lot better now and from the barely contained laughter Tatsuha was expressing, it looks like was felt a lot better now too.

—_**Flashback—**_

_I looked across to where Tatsuha sat on his bed talking to Ryuichi a mile a minute and then back to the bedspread of plain blue. We had just gotten off the plane a couple hours ago and had immediately checked into a hotel—mostly because I was still cussing up a storm about having to fly in that damn thing. I had already typed in my hourly entry and now was completely and utterly fucking bored. _

_"Aniki? Why don't you watch some television or something?" Tatsuha asked, stopping his conversation long enough to eye me and pose the question._

_I shrugged and picked up the remote, flipping the power button and watching as the television flared to life of…porn. Great, just what I want to see when I have no one to fuck. Though that woman does have a pretty good body, except her breasts are fake and probably ninety percent of her body is as well… Flipping through the channels with mild interest, I suddenly stopped it at the sight of a very familiar pale blonde man giving a speech, the translator's over voice making it hard for me to hear exactly what he was saying. _

"—uck's singer, Shinduo Shuichi has been missing for five weeks now and we are now asking for the fan and public to help in our search for our lost singer. We have no reason to suspect foul play or kidnapping, so please do not panic, but there has been a large misunderstanding which has caused the sudden disappearance of Shinduo-san." Tohma said soft spokenly, his face neutral as he relayed the facts of Shuichi's disappearance.

"Seguchi-san! What misunderstanding are you talking about? Do you have any ideas of Bad Luck's singer may be?"

"Seguchi-san, how do you explain reports of novelist Yuki Eiri's sudden disappearance?"

"Are the two related?"

"There are reports—"

"Please, one at a time." He gave the camera a brilliant smile and interlaced his fingers, a sign I knew meant he was going to start manipulating them. "I'm certain the public cares little about the misunderstanding and as for Shinduo-san's location at this moment, we are pinpointing the Americas though there is no certainty that he may be there. As for Eiri-san, any information of his whereabouts or health is not up for discussion. This is a plea to the public to help us find Shinduo-san, not start or break rumors circulating in Japan."

_No reporter should be able to be cowed, they pride themselves in their persistence, but the glint in Tohma's eyes made it almost impossible not to back down. Those who knew the blonde manipulator knew what he was capable of and when not to cross him and this was one of those times. Everyone fell silent, content to just take notes instead of badgering the multi-million dollar producer. _

Giving them another light smile, Tohma nodded his head, "Thank you. Shinduo-san is dearly missed by his friends and family and many are out looking for him right at this moment, but the search has been fruitless as of late with no leads and very little help. As a favor to a dear friend of mine, I am asking once more for the public to be our eyes and ears and help bring our Shuichi home again.

"Thank you for your help and your support. Shinduo-san, if you see this, please come back, Eiri-kun is waiting for you." He smiled and then left the podium, cameras snapping pictures of his retreating back.

_I watched as a picture came up of Shuichi in one of his band pictures, his smile carefree and each of his arms wrapped around Hiro and Suguru. His head was cocked just slightly to the left and his eyes were so expressive I could feel myself being pulled into his simple joy._ _"Shuichi…" I whispered, tears pricking my eyes._

—_**End of Flashback— **_

I stared down at my cell, my hand trembling slightly. Where the hell did that come from? When was that? Why would he do that? Did I ask him? Shit…I fucking remembered something and I have no fucking idea when that was. My phone beeped and I focused on the screen instead of the jumbled memories. I soothed back Shuichi's hair as he made a small noise of disagreement at the sound and kissed the top of his head lightly before looking down again at my messages.

_65 Messages._

…Have they gone insane? Who the hell left sixty five messages? Damn, I disappear for, what; twelve hours and they go insane. Dialing my voice mail, I entered my password and hit 1, listening as the first message started.

"_Hey aniki, it's been two hours and you should be back. Call me."_

'Message Two': _"Aniki, where are you? Call me."_

'Message Seventeen': _"You fucking bastard! Answer you damn phone!"_

_"I swear—"_ And delete.

_"Aniki—"_ Delete.

_"Where the fuck ar—"_ Delete again.

_"Eiri-kun, your brother just called saying you haven't returned."_ Tohma, wonderful, _"Call him and then me when you get the chance._"

_"You fuckin—"_

And delete.

_"I'm—"_

Delete.

_"Going to—"_

Delete.

_"Kill you, you—"_

Delete.

_"Don't you delete this one bastard." _Tatsuha snarled and I had to smirk, he knew me so well. _"It's been hours aniki, why haven't you come back? Or at least called. We've looked everywhere and still can't find you. Where are you?"_

'Message Sixty Two': _"Eiri, you are worrying everyone with your silence."_ Mika, Mika. _"Turn your cell on and call us, it's why you have it."_

'Message Sixty Three': _"If you don't—" _Shit, doesn't he ever give up?

'Message Sixty Four': _"You're a fucking bastard." _I didn't even get to delete it that time, he already hung up and I guess that answers my previous question.

I stifled a yawn as the last message played from Tatsuha, worry evident in his voice as he once again repeated for me to please call him. I guess I planned this trip badly; however I did plan it… I reached into my coat inside pocket and pulled out my lighter and cigarettes. One handed, I lit the white stick and took a deep breath of that wonderful nicotine, my nerves calming almost immediately.

My eyes shifted as a light buzzing sound reached my ears, ah, the driver wants to talk I see. "There's no smoking." He said coldly, his eyes narrowing in the mirror.

"Yes, well, unless you'd rather deal with a ripped seat and a couple broken windows, I suggest letting me smoke." I answered, taking another deep breath of the sweet smoke.

Those brown eyes darkened a shade, but the window next to me cracked open and the man glanced Shuichi. "It's not good for his voice."

"Then it's a good thing he isn't sleeping, now isn't it?" I watched with silent amusement as the dark window rolled back up, locking with a distinct clicking sound. Smirking, I curled my fingers in Shuichi's hair and continued my cigarette, gods, when was the last time I smoked? I know I can't remember, but I feel like a fucking spring tightly coiled and ready to burst. Of course it could also be that Shuichi is pressed against my side and I'm still at a loss on how the hell to tell him—nicely that is.

I had just finished my cigarette when we slowed before a guarded development, which I figured to be Shuichi's as we entered through the white metal gates and watched in silence as we slowed and finally stopped before a bright blue house with a two car garage and an oak front door. My window suddenly shut and I heard the driver's door open and shut. Not waiting for him to open the door, I shook Shuichi's shoulder lightly and smiled as those violet irises blinked sleepily at me. "We're home." I whispered, my heart aching at the word 'home'. I never thought I'd miss Japan, but now I cannot wait to return there and pick up whatever pieces I can of my life.

"Huh?" He asked as I opened the door and slid out of the car, cane in hand. His eyes lit up in recognition and he quickly followed me, stretching once he was out. My eyes followed the creamy expanse of skin that I was able to glimpse beneath his shirt and I had to clench my teeth against the urge to push him against the car and kiss him senseless.

"So, this is it?" I asked, nodding toward the house.

He smirked, "Actually, no. That's my house." I followed where his hand pointed to the house next to the blue atrocity, hesitant to see what could look worse than this. But I was taken by surprise at the cleanly cut grass, the single driveway and a sidewalk that led to the small, but quaint white house.

I cocked an eyebrow at the sight, but grabbed my laptop and followed my leather clad lover away from the limo. "Who's house is that then?"

"Jerry's." He answered nonchalantly as he skipped the two steps to his door.

Jerry?_ Jerry?_ Who the _hell_ is Jerry? And why is Shuichi parking at his house? Are they lovers? Is there something he's not telling me? "Who?" I managed to grind out as the three of us—yes _three,_ the fucking driver is following us—reached the front door.

"_I'm_ Jerry." The driver said darkly.

"Ah."

"Aw, shit!" Shuichi cursed, taking me by surprise. When did my little lover curse? Fuck, he could barely say 'damn' without feeling guilty and now he can cuss? I don't know if that's a turn on or not… "My keys! I must've left them in the dressing room."

Looking down at his attire, I noticed there were no pockets on his pants and definitely not enough material on his shirt to contain a pocket. Great, so now I get to spend the night outside in the ungodly humid weather on the grass—I hate grass—and in these conditions, I have to think of when's the right time to inform my lover of my memory loss. Just wonderful.

"And that's why I have a spare." Jerry answered, smiling at _my_ lover.

Shuichi smiled back and I tried to suppress the knotting in my stomach at that perfect smile Jerry received. "Oh yeah, I forgot." He laughed, taking the key from Jerry and opening the door.

Jerry smirked at my glare and shrugged as he followed uninvited. "He used to give me his keys before work, says he'd lose them if he didn't, but it stopped working once our schedules stopped matching. So we got duplicates made instead, though he still loses his weekly."

"Why you?" I couldn't hide the jealousy in my voice. Just who was this man to Shu? He certainly wasn't just a driver or he'd drop us off and be on his merry little way, but no, he's following us. And I'll be damned if I'm in for a threesome or anything, Shuichi is mine and yes, I'm a possessive bastard. Ten fold.

"We're neighbors and I just happen to be a chauffeur as well. Shu hired me to drive him to and from work as well as anywhere else he might need to go. Though I have to say," he began as we stepped into the dark house, "I'm surprised Shu brought you home, not even his manager has been here before."

I guess I should feel privileged at that, but I don't. I couldn't help but glower at the man, he was cute…I guess. Clean shaven, dark unruly hair and he's quite nice on the eyes, but Shuichi loves _me_, right? Shit, I'm fucking jealous! I have nothing to be jealous of, _nothing_, I'm ten times hotter than him and I know exactly how to make Shuichi burn with passion as well as tame him into spending quiet moments on the couch watching television. This man was nothing, he _couldn't_ be anything more. "What exactly is Shuichi to you?" I finally asked, eyes narrowing dangerously.

"We're still working on that." Jerry said knowingly.

"Get out." I growled, no one is taking Shuichi away from me, especially some _chauffeur_.

He crossed his arms over his chest, "I don't think so, mate."

"Shuichi's taken, got it? You're _nothing_ to him and trust me when I say," I threatened, "you'd rather leave on your own free will than by me."

"Listen you—"

"Hey, what are you guys talking about?" Shuichi asked, flipping on the switch and startling the two of us from our glaring contest. Slowly moving my gaze away from Jerry, I looked around Shuichi's house. Wooden floors, an open staircase, white carpet, leather furniture and a fireplace was all I could see from the foyer, but it's beautiful.

And wrong. If it had been messy, colorful or just plain weird, I'd be fine, but the house was bordering on fucking sterilized. There were no pictures, no clutter, no dust, no smells, even the carpet was spotless and I'm seriously starting to wonder if Shuichi really lives here at all.

I started to take a step towards the stairs when Jerry placed a hand on my shoulder. "You might want to take your shoes off first, mate."

I growled and shook off his shoulder, but complied.I approached Shuichi and, giving him a small smile, brushed my fingers lightly against his cheek.

He smiled back and began to say something but stopped when Jerry appeared by my side. He bristled at the other's unwanted company, but asked sweetly, "What's up, Jer?"

His eyes shifted from Shuichi to me and then back. "Can I talk with ya for a second?"

"Can't it want until tomorrow?" He asked, his eyes silently telling the man to go.

"No."

Huffing, he dragged Jerry into an adjoining room and out of sight, but not hearing. "What Jerry?" He asked, annoyance plain in his voice.

"I know we've only been neighbors for a short while, but Shu, I don't think you should let him stay."

"It's my life and you have no say in it."

"Shu, he's _dangerous_, just looking at him screams it, mate!" Jerry persisted. "For all you know he could be a murderer or something."

"So what if he is a murderer?" Shuichi asked coldly and I swear I could feel the room temperature drop from where I was standing. "It's none of your business."

"Of course it is! I'm your friend Shu, and I could be more if you'd just let me."

"I told you, I'm not interested."

"But you're interested in _him?_ He's cold, he smokes and he doesn't seem to be very nice to you. If you need to forget for a while Shu and have a quick fuck, you should've come to me."

The resounding slap that followed that statement echoed through the house and left in its wake a deafening silence. I couldn't keep the smile off my face. "Get the hell _out_ of my house."

"Shu—"

"Get _OUT!_" He practically screamed and I decided to make my entrance.

Taking my place firmly beside Shuichi, I crossed my arms over my chest and glared at Jerry. "I think you've outlived your stay sir."

Holding his injured cheek, Jerry glared darkly at me, "Fuck you." He growled before quickly leaving, slamming the door after himself.

"I can't believe that…that bastard!" Shuichi said, his hands clenched in anger. Not even glancing at me, Shu ranted up the stairs, with me in tow, to his room. He slammed the door open, muttering something about 'perverted drivers' and how 'all men are jerks'. Looking around the slightly messy room, I was glad to see some place that resembled my Shuichi and watched in amusement as the baka threw a bottle of cologne at the wall. I stood silently by the door as he stood in the midst of broken glass and cheap—horrible smelling—cologne.

I have to give him credit, he was taking this better than I would, considering I'd be tearing my entire room apart. But then again, Shu has always better with his emotions than I am… "Don't tell me _you_ chose that cologne." I muttered monotonously, leaning against the doorframe with my arms crossed over my chest.

Shuichi whirled around and stared at me wide-eyed. "Yuki! Oh fuck," –did he just say what I think he said?— "I'm being a horrible host, aren't I? Are you hungry? Thirsty? I should've given you a tour…well, I'm certain you can see this is my bedroom, heh… Oh, t-the bathroom! Do you want to take a shower? Where'd you fly from? America? That's a long way and I bet you haven't slept and are probably tired and want to take a shower. I'll get you a tow—"

"Shu." I said, interrupting his monologue. "I'm fine, I'm not hungry or thirsty and yes, I am tired, but I don't need a shower or a tour." I took a step towards him and softly brushed his bangs away from his eyes. "You look more tired than me. I need to call Tatsuha anyway, but then I'll join you…or the couch if you'd rather."

He flashed me that angelic smile, that was reserved for _me_ alone, and shook his head. "No, you can stay with me…I-I'd rather you stay with me." He blushed lightly and nervously played with his fingers.

Pulling my lips into a smile, damn that's hard to do too many times in a day; I nodded slowly and moved closer. Leaning down, I kissed his forehead and left the room to call Tatsuha—and he can inform everyone else because there's no fucking way in hell I'm calling them too. Shit, I haven't even had a chance to type in my memories—one thing I can remember now—and to admit, I'm afraid to be around Shuichi. I'm at a loss now and uncertain of how I approach these subjects that stand between us. I might be able to charm a woman into bed, but it's Tatsuha who can sail the troubled waters of a woman's emotions and Shuichi is as feminine as they come, despite his obvious male parts.

.  
Of course, I'm not exactly looking forward to this call either, judging from the messages he's quite mad and probably out for blood by now. But as much as I hate to admit it, I owe my little brother a lot. Through these past few…weeks, no that's wrong. Through these past few _months_, he has gotten me through a boat load of shit and has never left my side.

Staring at the number pad, I watched as my fingers dialed a number that just escaped my memory. At least something remembers…

It hadn't even run once before I heard the click on the other side as Tatsuha answered it. "Aniki? This as hell better be you."

"Who else would call you from this number?" I smirked, leaning comfortably against the wall just outside Shuichi's room.

There was a slight pause before the fireworks began, "You fucking, insolent, rude, forgetful, fucked up bastard! Where the hell are you? We have fuckin' searched everywhere for you and worried me sick thinking you had a relapse or somethin'. You had better have some fuckin' good explanation for leaving like that or I swear, I'll be the shit out of you until you don't remember anything! I can't beli—"

"Tatsuha." I said, effectively silencing him. "I found him."

"_What?_ Where? How is he? We'll come for you right now, okay? Does he know about your…predicament?" He took a breath and then added, "Eiri?" when I didn't respond immediately.

"I'm in Australia Tats."

"…Australia. Good one aniki! Now, where are you?"

"I told you."

"Look," he sighed, "I know you want to see him and all alone but aniki…shit, you're serious."

"I lie and bend the truth, but I would never lie about something like this." I said, my voice coming out with more annoyance than I meant.

"Back up, why don't we start with how you found him."

"I…don't know."

"Shit, you fell asleep."

I ran my hand through my hair and closed my eyes. "I think so. I awoke to a woman punching me and she took me to see him. He's singing again in a band called _'Last Breath'_ in Australia."

Muffled voices in the background pricked my interest as Tatsuha ordered them to get ready to leave. "Where? Australia."

"_Australia?_ How are we going to do that and with little money left? Almost all my American reserves are spent." Hiro, always the sensible one.

"I've got aniki's credit cards! Limit is set at twenty five thousand, I didn't even know they went that high…" I could practically hear the grin in my brother's words.

"And you'll be giving them back when you get here."

"Aww! Don't you love me aniki?"

"Not particularly."

"Geez, you're impossible."

I snorted, he's been telling me that since I was twelve, when he learned to say the word.

"Aniki?"

"Hm?"

"How are you doing?" He asked hesitantly.

"My leg is quite sore, but nothing else is bothering me."

"What about emotionally?"

"I'm fine." I said a bit too curtly.

"Bullshit, I always have been able to hear beyond your voice, so tell me."

"Stop worrying, it's unnecessary."

"Aniki." His voice warned and I sighed.

Slumping into the wall, I whispered, "I'm scared."

"Why?"

"Because how do I tell him I'm fucked up? 'Hey Shu, by the way, my memory is broken so I pretty much forget everything when I close my eyes. Surprise!'"

He chuckled lightly, "I'm sure you'll be fine, you are an author after all."

"Yes, and I can make whatever ending I want, but this isn't a book Tats and I don't want to lose him."

"I know you don't and neither do we, but aniki, you've got to tell him. It'll be worse if you fall asleep and don't remember."

"I know!" I snapped, then reining the anger directed at myself, said softer, "I know Tats, but…he won't believe me, it's too fanatical to believe."

"Have you read your journal since you've awakened?"

I frowned, confused by his sudden change in subject, and answered, "No, there hasn't been a chance."

"Then maybe that should be your next move before you decide what to do. Maybe it'll reveal something you've forgotten."

Damn, I guess staying in school does help, it certainly has helped his wisdom. "Right."

The phone shuffled and suddenly Hiro began speaking, "Yuki-san, how…how is he?"

"I'm not positive." I answered honestly, glancing into the room to see his peaceful expression still present. "I think he's eating right for the most part, though he is thinner, but he's cutting again. There's no doubt in my mind about it."

"You saw them?"

"No, but he's covered his wrists with thick leather and my instincts tell me he is." I sighed, rubbing my eyes tiredly with my free hand.

"I'm only going to tell you this once, so you better remember it Yuki-san." Hiro started, "Out of all the people around him, _you_ were the only one who could truly help him through his addiction and you are _still_ the only person that can get him to stop again. I have already placed him into your care Yuki-san, but now I place him into your protection as well."

Before I could even respond, the phone line was dead, leaving me alone to face my fears and thoughts. That…idiot! He doesn't even know where in Australia I am and despite most of it being desert, there's still enough cities that they won't find me without any help…actually, where exactly _am _I? Shit. Staring down at the dim screen, I finally flipped the cell shut—it's their own fault, let them deal with it—and slid it back into my pocket before returning to Shuichi's room once more. A soft snoring informed me that Shu was already asleep and I moved to his side as I peered down at his peaceful form. The baka still sleeps sprawled out on his stomach I see, and I can't seem to keep the smile off my lips as I brush a lock of hair out of his face. Bending down, I kissed his forehead softly and sighed, "I love you, Shinduo Shuichi, it's the one thing that has kept me from despairing thus far."

Carefully, I retreated to use the bathroom and began my careful search through the numerous rooms for one. The first door was obviously where he composed and played music and the second was a spotless guest room quite adequately furnished. I found the third to be a library and I couldn't hide my surprise at seeing every book I had written along the wall, as well as a few others by well known authors. A small table in the center of the room was obviously built to be a reading table for there was a single maneuverable light in the middle of it that would shine a sufficient amount of light to read by even in the dead of night. But…the table remained uncluttered, the books looked to be untouched with their bindings' not even creased and there was still that air of newness about it.

Frowning, I shut the door and left those thoughts behind as a greater need pressed me onward to find a bathroom, which lead me to the fourth door on my left. Opening the dim lit room, I stepped in and flipped the switch, my senses unready for the onslaught of horror. I had felt my heart stop, hurt, cry, excite, break and love, but never had I felt the sickening drop as I did when the light pierced the darkened room and revealed the once white walls.  
My throat constricted at the horrid stench of dried blood as I looked at the room before me. Everywhere I turned was drenched with his blood…hand prints, streaks, drawings, words and puddles upon the floor decorated the once white room. Bile rose in my throat and I fought the urge to vomit right then and there at the sight.

No wonder he never let anyone venture into his house, he'd be institutionalized in a heartbeat and never be allowed to leave again. Luckily for him, I don't think I would have the heart to it, even if it was for the better. My horrified eyes looked about the room, picking up on my name scrawled on the walls numerous times as well as the words 'dead' and 'my fault'. Some were smeared to where it was barely legible, but I didn't need to decipher the letters to know what he had written, I know how he thinks and I understand exactly what this is. This room, despite what appearance it make take, is his outlet, as gruesome and putrid as it is, this is bloody expressionism of himself is probably the only thing that has kept him from making the final cut.

This one room is his sanctuary from the world.

The salty taste on my lips was my only clue to the tears tracking down my face and I found I could not stop them for once. My fingers brushed over a bloody hand print and my chest tightened at the vivid memory of his last known 'cutting session'. My precious boyfriend crying and bloody, the numerous cuts covering his arms, wrists and chests were enough to make me cry in anguish. But it was those violet eyes that had me frozen, those eyes so dead, so lost as he cried into my chest and begged forgiveness for his weakness.

I don't want that again, never again. I will do anything to prevent that from happening again. Anything, as long as it keeps him from suffering.

I took a faltering step and remembered to breathe as nausea rushed over my senses. No, damn it, this couldn't be true! Not this gruesome sight before me, no, Shuichi couldn't have done this. He's too innocent, too pure and beautiful to be able to create something like this…it couldn't be him, couldn't be him. My eyes snapped closed against the bloody sight, the mantra repeating in my mind as my knees trembled to keep me upright while my head swam for some semblance of stability.

No, all this is just a horrid dream, a dreadful nightmare my mind has fabricated for some reason beyond my understanding. I'm going to open my eyes any second now and find everything in order. I'd be home in Japan again with Shuichi curled up like a cat beside me, that teasing smile on his lips as he nuzzled my side innocently.

But as my eyes slid open, all I saw was what I feared to be true. The bloody walls, the carpet, the handprints and words and the ongoing carnage were from no dream of mine. No, every drop of blood was real and obviously his. Vomit threatened to rise again and this time I emptied the contents of my stomach onto the stained carpet. As my vision swayed, my mind screamed for me to leave, to flee and find solace in my lover sleeping in his bed, but I couldn't. My feet refused to obey my brain and instead I found myself slowly inching closer to the oak stand in the center of the room. I knew I had to look at it—curiosity is the downfall of man—but still my mind screamed at me to get away from it. I knew what lay within it, knew it why every sinew of my body and I knew it would break me to see it as well, but I could not stop as I gripped the oak sides and peered through the glass.

I fell to my knees, burying my face into my hands and finally broke down upon the bloodied floor. No. Gods damn it, _no!_ Shit, this wasn't supposed to happen to him—anyone else, but not him. Not my sweet, caring and innocent Shuichi who cried at the slightest injury and came running to me for comfort. And yet…I knew without a doubt, it is him as well.

What lay within that case? Knives. Razors. Needles, scissors, blades and even a box cutter. His collection of assorted tools to ease his pain and find the release he needs. Gods, there must've been a dozen different tools in there, each one cleaned and polished so they didn't even look used. The only evidence they had been used was the neatly folded bloody rag lying next to the six inch knife in there.

"Yuki?" A voice asked and I looked up bleary eyed as my lover's shadow fell over me. "Yuki, what are…you're not supposed to be in here." His voice held an edge to it I had never heard, almost as if he were threatening me.

"Why?" I whispered, my gaze not falling from his blazing eyes.

He slowly walked towards me, purposely swaying his hips as he finally stopped at my feet, those intense eyes still focused on me. Reaching over, he unlatched the case and withdrew a simple looking knife, the blade about four inches long. I could see it glint in the light as he came to crouch before me. "Because," he whispered, placing the knife to the palm of his hand, "this is the only way I can find release." I watched horrified as he began pressing the sharpened edge into his skin, blood welling up as he let the blade travel down the entirety of his palm and those haunting violets never leaving my face. "It's the only way I won't go insane with guilt for hurting you." He let the knife drop to the ground, the blood pouring from his wound freely now and dripping onto the carpet in slow succession.

"Shu…"

"You weren't ever supposed to have seen this Yuki." He whispered, his expression one of shame and fear.

I gingerly took his hand and clasped it in my own, bringing his bloodied fingers to my lips and kissed them each softly. "This is who you are and I still love you."

His eyes softened and tears began to well in his eyes, "I never meant to hurt you Yuki! I was so worried, I thought I had killed you and I didn't know what to do. I-I called the police when you suddenly fell, but I was so scared that I couldn't…couldn't—"

"Come on, let's get that bandaged up and then we'll talk some." I whispered, despite my own strength slowly crumbling away with each passing moment. How can I be strong for him when I'm a fucking mess myself?

He nodded solemnly and led me to the bathroom, which was two more doors down from this one. "It's not too bad." He said, looking down at the still flowing wound, yet someone making certain not a single drop spilled on his carpet.

"Run it under warm water while I find some bandages."

"In the drawer to the right, second one down." He answered without turning around as we both took our positions in the white—again—bathroom. He doused his hand in the sink while I opened the second drawer of a small hutch set up in the bathroom. I couldn't hide my shock at how many bandages he had stockpiled and I heard him chuckle behind me, his eyes watching me from the mirror. "It's always good to be prepared, I finally learned that."

I snorted and grabbed a roll of gauze and turned back to him, watching silently as he patted his hand dry and took a seat on the toilet. This was nothing like our encounter at my father's house. We both remained silent as I knelt down, gingerly mind you, and began wrapping his hand with care, disturbed by how calm he was at the wound. Of course, I guess he was used to his and the pain didn't bother him since that's what he was searching for in the first place…I think.

"What are you thinking about?" He whispered, his eyes yet to leave my face.

"Why did you start, Shuichi? I know it's was because of what I did, but why self mutilation? Not drugs or alcohol, but cutting. Why?"

He was quiet for so long I wasn't certain he was going to answer, but just as I finished bandaging his hand, his quiet voice broke the silence. "Because it was the only way to feel alive again. I felt nothing Yuki, I was cold inside and cutting…it exhilarates me in a way I haven't felt in years now, I feel alive when I see my blood falling from my veins. Sometimes…" he met my eyes directly, his irises holding a sorrow to heavy for his age, "sometimes it's the only way I can remember I _am_ alive."

Before I knew what was happening, I had pulled him into a vice grip hug, holding him as close as I could, "I don't know what to do Shu, tell me what to do." I voiced fervently. "Please, anything, anything you ask for I will give you, but no more of this. No more."

"You're alive, you have no idea how alive that makes me feel," he said softly and when I looked up, he was smiling lovingly down at me. "Anything Yuki? There's only one thing I want and you already know what it is."

"I am forever yours." It sounds like I'm swearing fealty to him, but I guess in a way I am.

"Do you really mean that Yuki?" Distrust clouded his gaze, but I saw a glimmer of hope as well.

"Yes, with all my heart, I mean it Shu-han."

"Gods, I love you Yuki. I love you, I love you, I love you." He said, gasping when I suddenly reached for his lips with my own, voicing my own love without a single utterance. Tasting him again set a fire within me I hadn't felt since he had disappeared and I suddenly found myself quite uncomfortable with my agile nymph just a breadth away.

"You're beautiful." I whispered when we parted, uncertain of what exactly overtook me to say such words. I had never been one for soft words and flattery, but for some reason, when I said that to Shuichi it wasn't flatter or soft words, it was plain truth.

A light blush flooded his cheeks, "We should head to bed. Come with me?"

I nodded, afraid if I opened my mouth words of vulgar would be voiced instead of word of endearment. And vulgarity isn't what I need at the moment.

Shuichi stopped once to shut the door to his bloody room and he looked down at his feet as we walked back to his room. "I wish you hadn't seen that."

"It's okay; I won't remember it by tomorrow anyway." I sighed.

He turned to me with a confused look upon his face that was too cute for his own good. "Huh?"

I bit my tongue for my own idiocy. This wasn't how I had planned to tell him I was fucked up. Well…I guess now is as good as ever. Pulling him down to sit next to me on the bed, I pulled him into my arms and held him for a couple minutes before finally kissing his temple. "It's a long story, but you need to hear it." I said, launching into everything that I could remember that transpired.

By the time I finished reciting my story; Shuichi was standing a couple feet away and watching me warily. "You expect me to believe that?" He asked, surprising me by being skeptical, though who can blame him with a story like mine? He snorted and rolled his eyes while he began to pace the room again. "You're a novelist Yuki, I expected better from you."

I bowed my head, "If I wanted to spin a tale, I would've, but I'm not and despite how fanatical this sounds it's what happened."

"That you can remember at least."

I nodded, watching as he paced. He didn't believe me and he wouldn't, it was obvious in his behavior that my words had no affect upon him except to anger him.

"If this is true, how do I know you haven't been off fucking more women? And maybe men too? Hmm? Tell me that Yuki. How can I trust what you say?"  
I opened my mouth to retort his accusing questions, but I couldn't find the words to save my case. Of course there was no way I could say I haven't been with anyone else when I don't remember, but… "You can't Shu, but I know, I _know_, when I say I've been faithful, I speak truth."

"How?" Those deadly eyes came back to me, so deadly…I could spend hours describing that vibrant shade of purple that were his eyes and how they changed in the sunlight, how they darkened with seduction in the bedroom and how they could pin me with a single glare—that he had learned well from me—in my direction. "If you don't remember, then how could you know that?"

I met his gaze head on, unafraid at the hostility I found warring there, and smiled softly at him. "I can feel it in my heart and I trust that more than my memory Shu-han. I'd know that I had by the weight on my heart even if I didn't really remember, but I know I haven't because I trust my heart."

"Your heart. Weren't you the one who told me once you had no heart Yuki?" He spat back, refusing to let his anger go. Where did my baka go? Who was this sudden hostile person before me who held so much resentment within?

"Baka," I whispered, standing to cross the distance between us, "_you_ are my heart, Shuichi." I cupped his cheek and let my other hand barely caress the juncture between his neck and shoulder. "My beautiful, alive and loving Heart. You've given me a heart, you've given me something worth living for passed the quick comfort of another and I cannot tell you enough how I love you."

A solitary tear slid down his face, "I want to believe you Yuki, gods I want to, but…"

"It's hard." I said, wiping away the tear. "Please, just trust me on this."

He nodded. "I'll try." Relief must've flooded my face because he gave me a small smile and kissed my lips gently. "For you, I'd try anything Yuki."

I smiled back and then stifled a yawn, fighting back my fatigue. Now would not be a good time to fall asleep…

"You need to rest Yuki." Shu whispered, leading me back to the bed and pushing me down on the mattress.

"No—"

"I promise to be here in the morning, I won't leave."

"It's not that." I said, my body molding into the sheets and pillows. "I don't want to forget." Even as I spoke I could hear my voice getting softer with every minute that passed.

"Then just lay down?"

I laughed lightly, "Baka, I already am."

"Oh, right." He gave his own laugh as well, scratching the back of his head with embarrassment.

My eyes closed against my will, but I forced them open again, focusing on the sight of my lover sitting on the edge of the bed, his feet dangling off the side. I moved my hand to cover the one supporting his body on the mattress and closed my fingers around it. "My laptop—" I began, but a finger pressed against my lips stopped me.

I looked up at his face in the waning darkness and was taken back by how ethereal he looked. The new hair cut fit him, the strands framing his face giving it a softer touch as he smiled lightly down at me. "Don't worry, I'm certain it's fine."

"No." I shook my head, "There's something I need—" I paused as a yawn overtook me, "—I need you to see Shuichi."

"I can look at it later."

"There's no passwords, but…I need you to read it Shu, promise you'll read it."

He began stroking my hair back, his fingers causing the sleep haze I had been fighting to return tenfold. "Read what?"

"Memories." I murmured, instinctively leaning into his touch. I gave a sigh of content as my eyelids became too heavy to hold open any more and felt my body move ever closer to his. "Ai shiteru, Shu-han, ai shiteru."

Dhampir  
Page 17  
06/05/06

* * *

**After _five_ revivals, this chapter is finally released! As well as three pages longer…**

Flashback one was from Chapter Eleven of _Without You I Am Lost_

Flashback two was from my own imagination, I decided to use it finally.

And yes, mur, murred or murring is not a word, it's something between a purr and a moan created by another writer some year or two back.

Onto **Reviews:**

**Thanks to everyone who is still bugging me to update this story and still loves it. Also! I finally got a new computer so I can continue writing, though please be patient. I have two jobs, family, a boyfriend and in a month I'll be drugged and in a cast: Hand surgery for the second time. Wish me luck and I hope you liked the chapter!**


	15. Looking Back and Thinking Forward

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.  
**Note:** Eh…screw the note. If you've read it this far without reading the prequel, then what's the point?

**Without You I Am Lost  
**_Interlude_

It had been three hours since Yuki had fallen asleep and I had yet to make up my mind about what he's told me. To think, that he fell and now has short term memory loss is too absurd for even me to believe, but…how he said it makes me yearn to believe him. But he wants me to believe a story like that? How can I? I have had my heart broken, ripped and torn to shreds by the very same man who now slept on my bed and he expects me to believe everything he has told me.

For all I know, he's made all this up so he could sleep around on me. He always did say he couldn't refrain long from sex…but I want to believe him. Gods, do I want to believe him. When we first started dating he told me that he hadn't had sex since we broke up and part of me wanted to believe him heart and soul, but how can I with his reputation? He's cheated on me before, right?

I stopped in my pacing and turned towards the bed. I don't know if I should believe him or not, but I do know that I have missed him too much to let him go again. The only question now is can I love him again. Who am I kidding, I love him more than singing itself and I'd give it all up just to return to his arms, even if for a single day. Something I thought I'd never have the chance to do again.

All this time I thought him dead, that all remained were his books and pictures and nothing else. I thought I had killed the one person I would walk through fire for and for some reason I was still alive. Of course, I knew why I continued to breathe, because if it were my choice I'd be six feet under, but I made a promise to Hiro that I would never try again. I couldn't promise to never cut again, it's too addicting, but that single promise had become the bane of my life, to the point where I refused to promise anything.

After that night, all I wanted to do is run away. Run away from everyone and everything, I wanted nothing to do with the life of Shinduo Shuichi anymore and left as soon as I could see beyond Yuki's face as he fell. I packed everything I owned (dumped most of it), cleaned out my bank account and fled from my friends, my family, my life and Yuki. I was certain no one would ever expect me to go to Australia and, truth be told, I hadn't either. I picked the first place my finger fell on the map at the airport and it just happened to be Australia.

Of course, I'm certainly glad Yuki had found me; gods only know how deep I had sunk after that night. I had fallen into my normal routine of cutting and I knew I was slowly killing myself with it. I had stopped eating as well, though not because I felt fat, but because I had lost all interest in food. It had become a chore instead of a pleasure my previous self had indulged in and so I only ate when I had to. I don't even really notice the hunger anymore.

Carefully sitting on the edge of the bed, I tentatively stroked his hair, my fingers hesitating briefly as they touched those fine blonde strands that had fallen into his eyes. I smiled as I twisted it around my finger and fought the urge to molest him; I wasn't ready for that, no matter how much my body wanted it. And then, this could all be a dream, a wonderful dream that would turn into a bloody nightmare like they always did. He always died somehow and there was nothing more I could do than scream myself awake.

My fingers trailed down his cheek and across his lips, pausing when a small moan left them. I smiled again, unable to keep it hidden beneath my usual flat expression, and slowly stood up. Why couldn't he look this peaceful when he was awake? Right now, he looked as if I could jump on him and he wouldn't make a single complaint about it. Yeah, I could see that going well…we'd either end up fighting or having sex and I'd rather not do either at the moment.

Oh, I love sex, it's probably a guy thing, but right now…right now I still need to figure everything out. My supposedly dead-ex-lover-boyfriend-turned-once-again-lover was now lying on my bed and I have no clue what to do. Pacing the expanse of my room, I stopped momentarily to stare down at my bandaged hand, he had wrapped it so tenderly and without question, almost as if he understood, but how could he? Everything is so cold now, I see life in muted colors and nothing is of interest to me anymore, even music has lost most of its appeal. The only time I feel _alive_ is when I'm slowly dying at the edge of a blade, cutting deep into skin and watching with gruesome fascination as my blood drips onto the floor.

That room Yuki went into is my safe haven, even if it looks more like a torture chamber. It's the only place I can let myself feel, let myself grieve and the only place I can hide from the world. There are no windows and usually I keep the door locked if I have company over—however rare that is—and so I can hide. It is there, when I am in my worst state, that I get my inspiration for my songs. They are so depressing now, but it's all I can write and when I sing, it is my soul dying before the audience.

I guess that brings me to my band, yes, _Last Breath_ is getting quite a name nowadays even though we're still quite new, maybe a few months old. My manager made me start it after torturing me with English lessons, but it's paid off and we've gone big, though I'm still hesitant about unmasking my whereabouts to the world as I had. I know at least Tohma was watching my concert and so I was expecting a call from him almost immediately, but the last person I expected to be there was Yuki. Of course I didn't expect him to be there, I thought he was _dead_. How the hell is a dead person supposed to attend a concert?

Great, now I'm rambling to myself and talking as if someone were listening instead of in my head. I know I'm going insane and it scares me sometimes, but how to stop the downward spiral? Maybe Yuki…but still, can I trust him? Is he real? How can I be certain this isn't just some fucked up dream? I'm still expecting myself to wake up any second now and cry myself to sleep once more. I've got a councilor, but great help he is, all he does is give me another drug and tell me to come back next week, though I guess it does help me a little to talk about everything. Eh, maybe I need a new shrink. At least I'm not as suicidal as before… The cutting? Well, that's more of a stress reliever than anything else. The high I get from the blade is glorious; it's the only thing that keeps me alive. Yeah, yeah, I know…I'm slowly killing myself to keep myself alive, perfect sense.

Sighing, I left the room without a second glance and padded downstairs with Yuki's cell phone in hand. All this running around was giving me a headache and getting me nowhere. If anything, I'm just confusing myself even more than before I started. Putting on a kettle of water, I leaned up against the tile counter and waited for the water to boil. I do believe tea is the only thing that can give me the sense of peace a blade does, though not as well.

Flipping the sleek black phone open, I dialed the first number on the list and nervously lifted it to my ear. My hand shook at the first ring and I contemplated hanging up at the second. On the third ring, I began breathing harshly and by the fourth I was taking it away from my ear and on the fifth…

"Aniki?" A tired voice asked, and someone was murmuring beside him.

I paused, my breathing so soft I could barely hear it. I didn't know what to say and the urge to just hang up was upon me again, but of course, he had Yuki's number and so the point was moot.

"Aniki? What's wrong?" Tatsuha's voice was more urgent now and I heard the shuffling of feet as he stood up. "Talk to me."

"I-its not Yuki." I finally whispered, my voice so quiet I had to question if I even spoke.

"Shu?" He asked hesitantly.

"Yeah."

"Oh gods! We've missed you, Hiro and Ryuichi are here with me and we've been looking everywhere for you!"

"Yuki told me that."

"Oh yeah…um…I forgot to ask aniki, where in Australia are you? The next available plane doesn't leave for another couple hours so I can still change it, I think."

I chuckled nervously, "I live in Sydney."

"Good, that's where our flight's headed."

"Ah…"

We both fell into a tense silence and I found myself fidgeting, wondering if he was doing the same on his side. "So…I know you didn't call to tell me that, so what's up?"

Licking my lips, I took a deep breath and said what was on my mind. "Is what Yuki said true? He doesn't remember anything? Not even that night? Does he really forget every time he sleeps? Has he been faithful? Is what he says true that he hasn't been sleeping around? Have you been with him the whole time? Where have you been? Why is Ryuichi with you?" The questions came tumbling from my mouth and finally I paused when I heard soft chuckling from the other side.

"Slow down. Yes, what Yuki said is true, he doesn't remember anything once he closes his eyes, about that night, I don't know what night you're talking about, so you'll have to ask him. He's been faithful from as far as I can tell, he's barely looked twice at anyone passing our way and yeah, I've been with him the whole time. Where have we been? It's more like, where haven't we been. We've traveled almost the entire world except for China, Egypt, a couple U.S. states and Australia." He took a breath and I heard him flop back down…I guess into his seat. "As for why Ryu's with me, he's worried about you and he's my koi."

"About time." I smiled, before adding quietly, "You've changed Tats."

"I think we all have." He murmured, "If you can believe it, Ryuichi's matured and Hiro's got more intense upon certain matters, and well, aniki…he's more complicated."

"Tell me?" I asked, quickly taking the kettle off the stove before it began to whistle. I silently poured myself a cup of orange spice tea and moved to sit outside as Tatsuha began telling me of their journeys. I remained silent except for a few laughs or words on a moment he shared with me, but for the most part I listened as Tatsuha told me what they'd been doing for the past year—or close enough to. I smiled at Yuki's memory game, scowled with jealousy at the red head in Texas, laughed at Yuki's frustration and confusion and died at every obstacle and stumble he had to surpass to find me. I didn't think it'd hurt me so deeply to hear what Yuki went through just so he could find me. Everything from learning to walk again, to depending upon someone else, to overcoming his fear of flying and all so he could find me again.

He never gave up.

I never should've. I was a coward and ran before I found out if Yuki was even dead. I was certain I'd kill him and I didn't want to face the facts, I didn't want to face reality and so I dropped _Bad Luck's_ lead singer's reality and became Shuichi, nothing else. Not even my manager was able to pry my last name from me and she finally gave up, though I knew she'd give anything to know what it is.

I do think she eventually found out who I was in Japan though she never said anything to me about it, I just feel it'd be impossible not to. So I guess, in the end she does know my last name, but its no consequence, I'm no longer the man I used to be and probably never will be. Even if my murder of Yuki never truly happened, I'm still scarred from it and some of those scars are even visible, and I'm not talking about those on my wrists and legs.

When I first came to Australia, all I wanted to do was die, but I never did. Somewhere within my deadening body, a stubborn part of me _made_ me live despite my reluctance to do so. Maybe I wanted to die too much that I denied myself death for it would be too easy, though I knew I was wasting away slowly anyway. But I didn't want to die in a hospital bed from a broken heart, no; I wanted to go out with a bang. And I almost did, twice, and both times I walked away from those car wrecks with barely a scratch. It became apparent I wasn't intended to die just yet and I finally gave up on it, though I knew the cutting, the little eating and the depression was killing me in the end.

"Shuichi?" Tatsuha said, breaking me from my reverie.

"Hm?" I asked, my eyes glancing at the clock, we'd been talking—or more like he's been talking—for over five hours now.

"He loves you."

I remained quiet for some time before I timidly asked, "How can you be certain?" He told me he loved me _that_ night, but what proof did I have? Once he began his new book, we went back to our old way of living and he forgot about me. Me, his boyfriend, his fucking lover! I called and pleaded and cried and whined and cajoled but he didn't call me back for days and then he tells me he loves me. And he asks if I knew that! How the hell was I supposed to? He never really told me, I thought he was showing me, but we finally have sex and he shuts me away. I thought I got the message on that, he got what he wanted and now he was through with me until he got bored again or wanted a good fuck.

I can't live in a relationship like that, but I can't live without Yuki. Either way it kills me in the end, right?

"Look at everything he went through, doesn't that say enough?"

"He courted me before, but we finally slept together and then he ignored me. Doesn't that prove he doesn't?" I asked, my voice oddly cold.

Tatsuha groaned, "Aniki, you baka! Shu, you know better than anyone what a blockhead aniki can be, but I know he loves you. Even when he was bedridden he searched for you, he made calls, he sent e-mails, and he searched cities and hospitals for you. He gave himself ulcers over what could've happened to you and I watched as he pushed himself to the breaking point over and over just to find you. I know he loves you."

"Unfortunately, I don't. I wasn't there to see this and all I can go off of is what I know, which isn't much."

"I'm sure you'll see it in the end." He said softly.

"Yeah, me too. Thanks Tatsuha."

"Well—" he stopped as a voice went over the loud speaker, "Hey, that was us, we're boarding now. We'll be there in approximately twelve hours."

"Sounds good, call us when you get here." I smiled, part of me happy that this conversation was over now.

"I promise, tell aniki I said hi."

"Okay."

"Later."

I smiled and clicked the phone shut. We'd been talking for five hours and I felt I had a better grasp upon the situation than before. I dumped my mug into the sink and looked around my house, _my_ house. It wasn't anyone else's; I had paid for it with my own money and decorated it myself, though no one would ever think that. I knew it didn't fit my personality, but as Tatsuha said, we've all changed. This house was like my exterior while two rooms upstairs were truly what I kept inside, hidden from the world like an ugly sin. My room and sanctuary were just too personal to share with anyone and yet the one man I had least expected to see them had seen them and thus my soul. I wasn't certain yet how I felt on that.

Carefully treading up the stairs, I stripped off my concert clothes and dressed in an oversized sweatshirt and sweats. I leaned against my dresser and studied the blonde on my bed; gorgeous was an understatement when explaining how Yuki looked. I felt my heart beating faster just looking at him, but there was something about his contorted face that had me stepping closer. He looked almost in pain… As I watched, Yuki drew his bottom lip up and between his teeth as a crease appeared between his eyebrows; yes he was definitely in pain.

I looked down and saw his left leg spasming and the muscles clenching painfully. Slowly, I sat down on the edge of the bed and began kneading his leg, starting at the thigh. Almost immediately, I saw a difference in his expression as the crease disappeared though pain still lingered on his face. Methodically, I worked my way down, loosening and massaging the muscles with deft fingers and then back up again to repeat the process until he was peacefully sleeping once more. I stood and kissed his forehead gently, there was no doubting that _I_ love him.

I watched him for a couple more minutes before turning to his laptop that had been brought upstairs. Sighing, I set up the slim black notebook and plugged his phone in to charge while I waited. Once the login screen came up, I clicked on his ID and was surprised when it went through with no password; I guess he really did take them off. Once the background loaded—which was one of me…sleeping? Wow—I opened Word and looked at his recent activity. The only one on the list was Memories and so I guess that's the one he wanted me to read.

Clicking on the link, I deflated as a password key came up, asking for the correct password to even read the document. I tried my name first and, as I expected, I was denied. Kitizawa was next, but even that didn't work. I tried five others before I finally tried 'Yuki' and the spread opened before me. I guess he forgot he _does_ have a password on this, but at least it's his own name and so kinda hard to forget.

I felt a little intrusive reading what he would keep to himself if he could, but he had asked me. And so, sitting down with a cup of tea in my hand, I began reading. I read each entry word for word, emotion for emotion and found all my carefully placed walls crumbling at my lover's struggles. From his confusion at waking up in a hospital to every day being a constant reminder of his shortcomings and failure, though he truly had no idea as to why he failed.

I found my eyes wandering up to a entry months ago, and whispered the words to myself, "_I'm finally leaving this forsaken place, I walk with a cane and my novel is now complete…I believe that had something to do with Shuichi's disappearance. Though I cannot remember that night, I know I had to have been a jackass of some sort, because hey, let's face it, I always am. There's something…wrong with this picture though… It still doesn't tell me why Shuichi would run away, he never ran away before."_

I smiled sadly, so he was speaking the truth about that…

_…it'd be at least another couple days before this happened, but I see no other alternative. I have no one else to turn to and Tatsuha is the only one who will let me go. Mika is still trying to get another caretaker, like I need a nurse, and Tohma is scheming something…though he always is, right? I don't think I want to know what either._

_Finally committing these damnable memories to computer files. I really don't need writer's cramp to accompany my other…instabilities. I believe I have six notebooks full of words I don't remember writing and probably never will. Tatsuha says I'm getting better at this memory shit, but I don't see it. If I'm getting better, then why the hell don't I ever remember a single goddamned _word_ I wrote? Not one fucking word._

I skimmed the rest of the page until I came to the last entry. I wasn't certain if I wanted to read this or not, what would it say now? Was he sorry for everything he's gone through just for me? Does it even say anything about me? No where in here does he mention another lover or even a fling, but maybe he had forgotten? No, no, I don't think he would…unless he wanted to. If he knew he'd forget those memories once he slept, what kept him from doing so and just omitting it from his entries?

"This isn't getting me anywhere." I groaned. Here I am running in circles again and questioning myself about things I can't answer. What's the point? Exhaling, I glanced once at Yuki to make sure he wasn't waking and steeled myself into reading it "_I'm finally closing in on my search. It's been months now since I last saw him, though I cannot recollect most of it. For me…it only feels like a week has passed while in reality it has been much longer than that._"

I stopped. I couldn't do this, this entry was different from the others. The others were mostly events and facts, not feelings and not like this. _This_ was off limits to me, this was his diary that he had hidden within the depths of mindless writings of past events he no longer remembers. I had caught small glimpses of emotion and such, but even reading those few sentences, I saw this held much more emotion than anything else he had written.

Closing the document, I turned around and stared at my ex-lover…or is he still my lover? We never officially broke up, hell, we never even mentioned breaking up, but… in my mind we had. So what does that make us (other than screwed up)? Are we nothing now? Are we ex's? Are we a couple? Lovers? Friends? How the hell am I supposed to decide when I don't even know _what_ I want us to be?

I sighed once again and stood to stretch my aching muscles. I have a feeling I'm not going to be sleeping too much tonight, I'm amazed I fell asleep earlier, even if it was only for a few minutes. Of course, with the amount of sleep I had been getting lately, I guess it's really no surprise. Nightmares wracked my sleep, blood tracked my steps and everywhere I looked, I saw something that reminded me of Yuki. I had left Japan to get away from him, but every time I passed a book store, every time I saw a shortcake, every fucking time I sang, I was reminded of my lover.

I couldn't escape him and I think some part of me didn't want to. I wanted to go back to him, I wanted to remain in his arms, I wanted to tell him I love him and I wanted him alive. One thought I dared not entertain, even after Yuki's last book was published. I had thought maybe they gleaned it from his computer or something and published it in memory of him, his last great work. I never thought it might've been because he was alive and I never dared to find out.

I had collected all of Yuki's books, but had yet to pick up his latest work, too terrified to do so. Oh, had I mentioned I read them all too? It took me a while, but I wanted to…wanted to know, I guess. I'm not exactly what I wanted to know, but I know I was searching for something within the words he himself had written. I never found it either.

Maybe it's just like when I look into his eyes. I wanted to see that emotion behind his cool exterior, I wanted to see the love he held for me, if he was serious and if I was willing to try again. I smiled, the pull at my lips instantaneous as I mulled over the curiosity and confusion I saw in those amber eyes every time I looked at him like that. The changes within him were subtle, but to me they were as bright as the sun and they shone just as beautifully. The soft smiles, the light touches, the emotion I saw brimming from within him and those quiet moments we shared…those were like nothing we had ever had.

Our relationship had surpassed that of a physical satisfaction and into one that was much deeper and more beautiful than the stars on a midsummer's night. And I wanted it, I craved it. I needed it with every fiber in my being and in one night, I thought all of that had been ripped away from me. One stupid action and…poof! Gone, no more daydreams about a happy-go-lucky life and the most perfect lover.

And yet again, in one night, everything I ever wanted came back to me with a cane and a haggard look upon his face. I shuddered at the sight of that cane, it only proved what my stupidity had caused—once again. Because of me, Yuki's ended up in the hospital more times than I can count from everything from stomach ulcers to…to, well, to short term memory and a fucked up leg.

Baka, baka, baka.

Stepping lightly into my private library, I pulled Yuki's latest book off the shelf and caressed the spine. Slumping against he wall and letting my fingers skim the edge of the pages, I flipped the book open to the first page and sighed. This was the only one I hadn't read yet and I still trembled at the thought…I don't want to see that this book is published in remembrance of him and this is all a dream. No, I don't want to even take that chance, if this is a dream I want it to continue on forever and never end. No matter what's wrong with Yuki, at least he's alive in my dreams.

I traced the letters of the title and turned the page, hands trembling as I fearfully began to read the acknowledgements page. Nothing different there…I flipped another page and bit my lip, this was where I'd see it. Right here, right now, my little dream's about to shatter and I don't think I can take this if I wake up to find him dead. Hell, I know I can't. If this is a nightmare, than this is the cruelest one I have ever had, at least in my others, Yuki's died by now.

_What do you do when your love disappears, when your entire world comes crashing down upon you in the blink of an eye? Do you cry? Scream? Stand paralyzed with shock? Do you deny it or do you accept it? Do you move on with your life? Or do you die from the pain of losing him? Do you lock yourself away and refuse to ever love another? Or do you wait for him to return to you, even if it takes an eternity?_

_No. Don't cry, don't scream, don't deny it, don't move on and don't wait. Search. Search the four corners of the earth, search every mountain, every city and every nation of the world for your love. Search earth, sky and water and never give up, never give in until you find him again, until you find the light that shows you the way and never lose it, for without it you are lost. _

Tears trickled down my face, their salty drops staining the page before me and I found I could no longer stand. My knees buckled and I slid down the wall, the tears clouding my vision as I hugged the book to my chest. Please, don't let this be a dream, I can't…I can't do this anymore! I've tried Hiro, I've tried so hard to keep living on, but this is beyond cruelty. I'm broken but fixable right now, but…I'll break and die if I have to wake up from this. Oh gods, please…please don't take my Yuki from me!

I don't know how long I sat there on the floor, but when I finally stood, my legs were asleep and I had no more tears to cry. Stumbling out of the room, I retreated to my bedroom and stopped at the doorway, my lip bloody from biting it so hard. Yuki still lay there, asleep, and I took a hesitant step towards him. I licked my lips, tasting my blood upon them, and silently crossed the room to sit beside him. Tentatively, I reached out and stroked those beautiful locks, a smile returning to my lips as he didn't disappear before my eyes. I trailed my fingers across his cheek, his nose and lips and then down his arms. He felt hot to my touch, but I knew I was icy cold.

I watched him sleep for a few minutes before I felt my eyes drooping and my head falling to my chest. Fearful but knowing if I didn't sleep now I'd fall on top of Yuki, I changed into an oversized shirt—one of Yuki's actually—and climbed into bed. I didn't get too close, but close enough that the heat of his body radiated near mine. Snuggling into the covers, I staved sleep off as much as I could and tried staring at the wall. Yet my eyes slowly closed against my will and I felt myself entering that place between sleeping and waking.

The last thing I remember before sleep finally claimed me was a pair of muscular arms encircling my body and pulling me flush against a warm chest. It felt…nice.

—**Dream Sequence—**

_"Neh, Yuki…why do wolves cry?" I asked, staring up at the night sky. We were sitting in the park where we had first met and for once, Yuki was being responsive. I hadn't taken much cajoling on my part to get him to take a midnight walk with me. Why? Just for fun, I guess…_

_Removing his cigarette, Yuki tilted his head and blew a cloud of smoke into the night air. "Baka, they're animals and it's what they do."_

_Pouting, I turned my head to look at my lover and tried again. "Can't you come up with something better?"_

_"Do you want the truth or not?"_

_"You write romance novels, Yuki! Isn't poetry supposed to come right to you or something?"_

_His shoulders shook as he chuckled lightly, "I have to balance myself out somewhere Shuichi, I can't be romantic in my novels as well as real life. If you want romance, read."_

_I huffed, "Why do you write anyway?"_

_He fell silent and took another drag from his cigarette, his eyes lifting up to the moon. I slumped down in my seat; I knew that posture and knew I had gone too far. Anything to do with his past he always refused to talk about and this was no different. He had told me once and he wasn't going to ever again…_

_Trying to make the best of it, I scooted over until I was leaning against his side and rested my head against his chest, a small sigh escaping my lips. Closing my eyes, I breathed in his scent and hummed quietly to myself our newest song. We're staying at the top! No way _Bad Luck_ is going to fall. I could smell the slight tinge of tobacco in the air and on his clothes and smiled, I don't really know when I began liking that scent, but now I just can't imagine Yuki without it. Nuzzling into his chest, I wrapped one arm around his waist and just listened to his heart, the song still going through my head. _

_Yuki heaved a deep sigh and I felt more than heard him take another breath of smoke. Fingers brushed lightly through the fringes of my hair and I felt his hand settle on my shoulder. Smiling, I opened my eyes and peered up at him endearingly. "Why do wolves cry…" He muttered and I blushed at my idiotic question, though I could only stare wide eyed as he continued to speak. "It is the call of the moon they cry for because the moon can never answer them. It is an unrequited love for the moon shall always remain apart and aloof while the wolves will always seek solace in the moon's light, wishing always to be closer but never allowed to." _

_"Thank you." I whispered, glad that for once he didn't ridicule my questions. _

_I watched as he turned and smiled slightly down at me. A real smile, he almost looked like he was enjoying spending time with me instead of humoring me._

_The scene suddenly changed and somehow I knew what was coming…suddenly we were standing in a hallway and I could only watch as Yuki staggered away from me in pain. I screamed and yet I couldn't hear my own voice. I watched as Yuki slowly turned and looked at me with haunted eyes, eyes so dead it made me pause to think if he was even alive. I watched as he whispered something to me before pain laced across his face and yet I still made no move to help him, my feet felt planted to the ground. _

_"NO!" I screamed in my mind as Yuki's eyes rolled up in his head and he began teetering, his face going slack and ashen. Tears blurred my vision as I saw him fall, fall down into the stairwell and I could hear the sickening crack as his skull hit the concrete steps. The only noise I had heard…_

_Suddenly everything dimmed and I saw myself from afar sitting in a corner, rocking back and forth as I muttered to myself. Leaning closer, I could barely make out the words, "Yuki's dead, I killed him" that I repeated again and again._

_No…no, no, no, no. Yuki's not dead, he can't be! I watched as images flashed before me of Yuki lying slack at the bottom of the stairwell, blood pooling from a wound on his head and his face so white… Blood on my hands, Yuki's blood! Oh gods, what have I done?_

_"YUKI!" _

—**End of Dream Sequence—**

Gasping in air, I sat up suddenly and placed a hand on my bare chest. Sweat slicked hair stuck to the side of my face as I took in shuddering breath after breath, trying to calm myself down. The sheets pooling around my waist, I ran my fingers through my hair and opened my eyes, the absent tears staining my face.

Not again… I can't take this any longer, not the same damn nightmare every fucking night of my life. "Oh gods, Yuki, I'm so sorry." I whispered as I half expected his arms to come around me. I knew it was all a dream, but this time it had felt so…real! I could've sworn I truly saw him, that I heard his voice, felt his breath upon my cheek and his warmth against my back.

I laughed mirthlessly, the sound ragged and bitter to my ears. I had finally cracked, I'm hallucinating about my dead lover because I want to see him so badly and I'll do about anything for it. What a fucking screw up I turned out to be. Yuki would hate what I've become even if he were still alive today.

And the tears came pouring down.

Dhampir  
Page 10  
10/12/06

**Note:** You all need to thank my friend Alyssa for writing this for me. sighs I injured my hand again…for anyone who wants to know the details, I fell from my bed (No, I wasn't sleeping, I was trying to climb over it) and tried to catch myself. Of course, wonderful instincts had me grab the edge of my desk with my right (that's the injured one) hand and I jammed the joint. Yay.

The excerpts were mostly from Chapter 10, 13 or myself. If you're wondering how Alyssa wrote this for me, I talked and she typed. The end.

On a happier note, I finally have a desk! Which means I can type better because before I was typing from all types of weird positions on my bed.

**Note:** Random, but here it is, this story is now 170 pages long! Poor little hand…

Okay, on with the reviews.

**Thank you everyone for reviewing and hanging in there with me. I've had a lot of people who have said they'd love to see into Shuichi's mind once again and decided to do an interlude like this, so hopefully you all like it.**

**Kolie:** You are still the better author. I've kept up on your writings, but sorry I haven't gotten to review! It's still so good! **Everyone must read her stories.**

Anyway, thanks again to everyone and I'm still surprised by the sudden wave of new people I have gotten lately, so thank you to you guys as well.

**Side note: If you have e-mailed me about the cut scenes for any of my stories, please re-e-mail me since most of them got lost… I still have 800 something e-mails I haven't read (about 700 of them are junk though from six months ago).**


	16. Oh Brother

**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Gravitation_ nor any of the characters.

**Note:** If you don't know by now…eh, what's the point? If you've read it thus far without reading the prequel (Cutting Through It All), then why would you read it now? So screw the note.

**Without You I Am Lost**

_Chapter Fifteen_

Ever have that feeling you weren't waking up where you last fell asleep. Yeah, I'm feeling that about now. Something foreign was snuggling against me and though I should've been used to it considering Shuichi usually slept plastered against me, it had been a year and a half since we'd slept like this. Shu…something was wrong. Why did my lover's name strike such a wrenching pain in my heart? Wait…Tatsuha and Ryuichi and Hiro, we were searching for…for Shuichi? But why? Okay, think. There's obviously something wrong with my memory and my leg feels quite stiff. Wait! My leg, that's right I…fell or something and hurt my leg and there's exercises I have to do. Right? Bakero, why are you questioning yourself for answers you don't have? And why are you talking like this to yourself? Ah shit.

Opening my eyes, I looked around the unfamiliar room and began to worry. Whose room was this? And an even better question, who the hell am I sleeping with? Slowly lowering my gaze, I let my eyes rest upon the cherub face of my lover, okay maybe not so cherub. Hold on, when did he dye his hair like that? When did he cut it? Holy hell! When the fuck did he get earrings? Where the hell have I been?!

Okay, okay, don't panic, panicking gets you nowhere. Breathe slowly in…and slowly out. We'll figure this out; it's obvious there's something wrong with my memory, something majorly wrong. Carefully, sliding out of the bed and making certain not to wake Shuichi, I glanced at my laptop sitting on the dresser. Was this Shuichi's room? Why did I feel so...desperate when I thought about Shuichi? Why did I feel like he shouldn't be here? Why do I feel like he's gone? It's obvious that he's well and alive, he's here with me and fast asleep. So then, why…why did I have such a strong sense of desperation, like I was never going to see him again? Why did it hurt to think of him if he's with me?

Oh gods is he beautiful. My eyes followed the contour of his back and how the sunlight filtering through the windows lighted his face in the just the right hue. From my vantage point he truly did look like an angel—an angel with a bad streak, but hey, I don't have any complaints. Why do I feel like this is the first time I've looked at him in a long time? Surely I've seen him almost everyday…but then…I saw him just last night right? If I saw him last night and he still looked like my normal lover, then when did he get the chance to do this? And why don't I remember last night after…after…after what?

Oh great, just what I need, a migraine. Carefully, I limped out of the room and stared around the empty hallway. I don't remember this either…have I been sick? I slowly made my way down the hall, shivering violently as I passed an innocent looking door that was two doors down from the bedroom. I paused momentarily to look at it, but I couldn't decipher anything except dread as I stared at the white painted wood. Shaking my head, I turned away from the damnable door and continued my slow walk to the stairs. Hold on, stairs? Two stories? When had Shuichi's apartment become two stories? Did he…_we_…buy a house? Aw shit, what the hell is wrong with me?!

My leg spasmed as I applied my full weight onto it on the first stair and I had to grip the banister with all my strength to keep from falling, my mind spinning from the sudden pain. Holy shit…

My trip down the stairs was agonizing and I soon found that hopping down it on one foot was a lot less painful than walking down them normally. The spotless foyer and white carpeted living room hinted nothing to my confused mind. None of it was familiar.

It was the kitchen that proved I had never been in this house before because I had no fucking clue where the mugs were. A high classed coffee pot sat in the corner of the white and blue kitchen, but even that was unfamiliar. I had always made my coffee by hand, liking the taste of it better than the coffee maker kind, but thankfully the coffee was already made. At least there was something good about the automatic kind.

Pouring a cup, I let the aroma calm the confusion in my mind and took a tentative sip. Rich, but not strong, just how I liked it and apparently how Shuichi liked it too. Looking around the kitchen, I noticed the lack of dishes in the sink but the full cabinets and array of cooking tools that lined the room. And just like the other rooms, I couldn't find a speck of dust anywhere and Shu had never been one to be immaculately clean. If anything, his stuff was always a wreck while it was I who scolded after him to clean up, but I wasn't even this bad. This was borderline OCD almost…

This lack of knowledge began to unnerve me to the point that I couldn't stop my hands from shaking. Every part of my soul cried out to me that Shuichi had been missing, but I don't remember him ever being anywhere else except beside me. And yet, he was so different, if he had been beside me all this time then when did he change his hair? When did he pierce his ears? _When did he move into a _fucking_ house?!_

My headache worsened and I closed my eyes against the light filtering through the window, it's too damn bright in here. I tried to calm my nerves and pushed the marginal migraine to the back of my mind, futilely trying to piece together a puzzle that I didn't even understand. Let alone have all the pieces to…

The mug slipped from my hands and shattered upon the pristine tiles, scattering rivulets of brown liquid across the kitchen. Cursing my anxiety, I grabbed a wash cloth and lowered myself to the ground, conscious of my leg. Careful to avoid the larger pieces of glass, I wiped up the liquid and shards into a pile before laboriously standing again to wring out the cloth. Dropping it into the sink, I stooped once more to pick up the glass and jerked back in surprise as a sharp edge bit into the palm of my hand.

Rocking back on my heels, I gripped my wrist and stared at the blood welling in the middle of my hand. A small piece of glass could be seen still lodged into my skin and I winced as I pulled it out, blood dripping onto the floor. As soon as the blood resonated off the floor, fragmented pictures appeared in my mind—jumbled and distorted, but I could still pick up a few things.

_Bloodied walls, stained carpet, a table, knives, writing…Shuichi._

My vision seemed to blacken around me until all I could see was my lover, but there was something _off_ because even as he appeared in my mind as Shuichi he was somehow not. His expression was solemn instead of carefree, his eyes hard and calculating instead of wide and expressive and his arms laced with scars. I couldn't hear what was being said, that part I still couldn't remember, but I began to tremble as he cut his palm open with the tip of a knife. He didn't so much as flinch.

Screaming jolted me out of my stupor and reflexes kicked in as I forgot about the mess in the kitchen and practically ran straight up the stairs. Ignoring the throbbing in my leg, I bound towards Shuichi's room only to stop at the foot of the door. My feet became leaden as I stared at my broken lover upon the bed, his face hidden behind trembling hands.

The covers had pooled around his waist as he cried into his hands, soft sobs filling the silent room. I finally saw just how skinny he was—something else that seemed to suddenly change about him—and couldn't stop the guilt welling up in my gut. I had seen him like this before, it had been after he stopped eating because he thought he was fat and it was one of the things I could never forgive myself for. Hell, I couldn't forgive myself for anything I had done to him during that time.

Carefully stepping into the room, I shifted, uncertain of what I should do. Yes, I'm still emotionally challenged, what's your point? "Shu?" I said barely audible, but my voice reached him and his eyes immediately locked onto mine.

I barely had time to brace myself against the door before I had my arms full of my lover. Tears soaked my shirt as he held onto me with all his might and I felt my own tears beginning to escape. Why the hell am _I_ crying? "I thought it was another dream." He whispered thickly, violet eyes lifting to mine slowly.

Kissing his forehead, I smiled despite my confusion and stroked his locks. "Well, I'm here."

Those eyes regarded me carefully before they dropped to my chest, "You don't remember, do you?"

"No. I don't know what's going on." I sighed, so this was something he was expecting…

"Before you start asking questions, I think you should read something." He said after a few minutes of silence, his voice muffled by my shirt.

"Why can't you just tell me?"

"Because it'll be easier if you just read this first."

I narrowed my eyes and released him, "Shu, just fucking tell me. I don't know what the hell is going on and this isn't a time to read some no talent song you wrote!" I growled in frustration, "I can't remember a single fucking thing but I somehow retain pieces of things I don't even remember happening, I have a migraine the size of a fuckin' country and for some reason I'm limping. And you want me to read something? What the _fuck_ is going on?"

By the time I had finished, my voice had risen in volume and Shuichi had moved back with every word until he stood a few feet from me. He waited until I was done ranting before looking at me again, his eyes boring into mine. I couldn't even hide my shock at the sudden change in his expression and my mind immediately linked it to the one I had remembered earlier. "Are you finished?"

I frowned, that wasn't what I had expected. "What?"

"I said, are you finished?" He repeated flatly, "Because, personally, I don't want to listen to your bitching."

"Shu?"

He smirked, "Surprised? You're not the only one who had a rough time or go through some changes, _Yuki_."

I could only stare, the man standing before me was nothing like the Shu I knew. Even his posture was different. "What the hell happened?"

He shrugged, "I couldn't just cry all day, could I?"

"But…"

"But what? I finished crying for you a long time ago, last night was a mistake that won't happen again. I thought you didn't like weaklings anyway Yuki, aren't you proud of me now?" He said sarcastically, anger boiling in his eyes.

He hadn't cried? That wasn't like my little lover…he always cried over the silliest little things too, but I love him for it—even if I did refuse to tell him so. "Come here." I whispered, beckoning him to me softly. Hell, I hoped this worked and I hadn't screwed up once again. Hesitating, he stepped into my arms and I hugged him to me, refusing to let him go even though his hands were lightly pushing against my chest. "I'm sorry, whatever I did hurt you deeply and I'm so sorry."

The tension in his body slowly decreased until he was hanging limply in my arms, my voice soothing him as I continued to speak nonsense into his ear. Slowly, tears began to wet my shirt and I held him as he cried silently, refusing to make even the slightest noise.

Lifting his chin up, I cupped his face and kissed his lips chastely. "So where's this think I should read?" I asked after a few more soft kisses. If I had to read some stupid song to keep that look off of Shuichi's face, I'd read them all day, every day. He gave me a strained smile, but pulled me towards the desk I had overlooked earlier against the wall. I stared quizzically at my laptop—at least _something_ remained the same—as Shuichi forced me to sit down. I was a bit peeved that he had used my laptop, which he knows is off limits to anyone but myself, to write some damnable song but I kept my mouth shut for once. I watched as he opened up a document (when did I stop passwording?) and sat back for me to read what I thought would be a song. I was wrong, first off, it was a journal and second, it was obviously written by _me._

How do I know this? Well, it's simple, right there at the top it says: _Yuki, you idiot, you've written this, so try remembering it this time._ I do love my sarcasm, even when it's towards me it seems. I barely noticed Shuichi had moved back to settle in on the bed as I began reading avidly, a sense of déjà vu filling me as I found myself mouthing the words before I even read them. That was enough evidence to myself that I had read this quite a few times and therefore, since I didn't remember it, could take it for fact.

I don't know how long it took me to read it, but after I had finished reading the last entry, I continued to stare at the screen blankly. When did I last update this? Yesterday? Last week? It seems I am getting better as the first entries were hours apart while it seemed I had worked my way up to once or twice a day, but there was nothing in here about finding Shuichi. I mentioned that I knew where he was and was going to him, but nothing about finding him and yet apparently I had.

"What else happened?" I asked, my eyes still upon the last word, "Between the time I wrote this and now?"

"You found me," he whispered, "at my debut concert and we came back here."

"Debut concert?"

"Yeah, I-I started a new band, _Last Breath_, and we had our debut concert yesterday."

Turning around in the chair, I drummed my fingers on my knee and studied him slowly. He sat perched on the bed with his knees drawn up to his chin and his face turned away from me. His bangs obscured his eyes from my view, but it was obvious he was fighting back tears from the trembling in his slight frame. "Shu?"

"I…It's all my fault Yuki!" He suddenly yelled, curling further into himself, "You should hate me, so why are you here then?"

"Why should I hate you?" I asked in a low voice, moving to sit next to him. Wrapping my arms around him, I pulled him unwillingly into my lap until his head rested against my shoulder and his arms curled around my chest.

He refused to look at me as he worried over his bottom lip, "Because of that night."

That night. Well, I'm guessing 'that night' is yesterday in my head…and I know for a fact that 'that night' is a blur of emotions for me. "Tell me what happened."

Cringing, Shuichi began speaking about that night and for the first time—or so I gather from that journal—I finally grasped exactly what happened the night Shuichi ran. Synopsis without the tears and guilt: I was a jerk and ignored Shuichi and overreacted resulting in my untimely heart attack, which then resulted with me falling down the stairs and damaging whatever short term memory I had to where I didn't have it. I also had a minor stroke along with said heart attack, very common by the way, which is why my left leg is so fucking screwed up.

I didn't mean for it to happen, I swear I didn't, but the next thing I knew was that I began chuckling. It started as a rumble in my throat that burst forth quietly from my lips. Shuichi looked up at me hesitantly and for a moment there he looked at me as if I was crazy—and for a moment, I thought I was. Shaking my head, I kissed his forehead and sighed, "We are so fucked up."

Shuichi cracked a smile, "But at least we're up to fucking as well."

Cocking an eyebrow, I stared down at him as he began turning bright red. His eyes lowered and he began fiddling with the button on my shirt, squirming embarrassedly in my lap. Smirking, I slowly turned and set him on the bed with me hovering over him. "Missed me much?" I asked, settling atop him.

"More than you know." He groaned, his body already responding to my voice. He always was easy to excite—though I guess the same could be said about me—but it was still fun to watch as his eyes glazed over with lust and need.

Stooping low, I took his bottom lip between my teeth and sucked gently on it, my tongue running along the contour. Shuichi whimpered as the kiss deepened and I covered his mouth with my own, our tongues meeting halfway. I could already feel his body stirring as we shared that kiss and I couldn't resist the urge to roll my hips slightly as I placed my hand behind his neck to draw him closer.

I couldn't tell which one of us moaned—maybe both of us—but by the way Shuichi was working on the buttons of my shirt, it was quickly heating up. Sex was something new to our second relationship and in the back of my head I knew a little voice was telling me this wasn't something we should be doing right now, but my body could've cared less. I hadn't had sex in I don't know how long and I fucking wanted it _now!_

A hand slid beneath my shirt and fingers splayed across my chest, lightly tickling my skin. I groaned against Shuichi's mouth as that hand began it's slow decent towards my slacks and—

_Oh Where Oh Where Has My Brother Gone?  
__Oh Where, Oh Where Could He Be?  
__I Can't Seem To Keep My Eye On Him  
__Because Of My Sexy Ryuichi_

Growling, I ignored my phone and moved to Shuichi's neck, there was no way in hell I was going to let my brother interrupt us. Shuichi moaned deeply as I suckled lightly at the skin between his shoulder and neck and I bit down hard enough to leave a mark, at least now that bastard would know he's mine. Hold on…what bastard? Bastard, bastard, bastard…nope, not ringing any bells.

_Oh Where Oh Where Has My Dear Brother Gone?  
__Oh Where, Oh Where Could He Be?  
__He's Always Fucking Disappearing  
__To Find His Sweet (Assed) Shuichi_

When Tatsuha gets here, I'm going to fucking wring his neck for that damnable song. Ignoring it once more, I rocked my hips against my lover and prayed that he'd stop his teasing and get to unbuttoning before I decided to do it for him.

Just when his hand reached the button of my pants, it stilled and Shuichi sluggishly opened his eyes. "Did…" he panted, "did someone say my name?"

Silencing him with my lips, I led his hand to my erection and thrust into it impatiently. "Yes, I did." I said between kisses and groaned as he finally loosened my pants and slipped his hand inside.

_Oh Where, Oh Where Has My Fucking Brother Gone?  
__Oh Where, Oh Where Could He Be?  
__He Better Answer The Fucking Phone  
__Before I Fucking Make Sure He Can't See. _

That hand stopped again, this time after it had encircled my cock. Wide eyes looked around the room as he craned his neck to see over my back. "Yuki, what is that?" He asked, the mood completely lost, forgotten, never to be seen again. How the hell could he talk like that when he was _fucking holding my dick!_ Yes, I get vulgar when I'm honey as hell, aw shit, Tatsuha is rubbing off on me if I just said that.

"It's my brother, just ignore it." I said, trying valiantly to get back to what we were doing.

Shuichi kissed back with fervor and stroked me twice before stopping again. "But it might be important."

"Not as important as this." Hell, I'm almost whining!

"But—"

"Fine!" I growled, ignoring the urge to pout as I pulled away from him. Damn it all to hell, that's it, I am personally torturing that fucking pest—I don't care if he's blood—and then burying him in the hottest volcano I can find, alive, so that I know he won't be coming back.

_Oh Where. Oh Where. Has. That. Asshole. Gone?  
__Oh Where. Oh Where. Could. He. Be?  
__I. Will. So. Fucking. Kill. Him—_

"_What?!"_ I almost yelled into the phone, my voice growling with displeasure. No, fuck displeasure, I was ready to castrate him over the phone.

"And a good morning to you too." Tatsuha answered pleasantly.

"This had better be good or I swear—"

"Don't tell me I interrupted you and Shuichi, aniki."

I growled in reply.

"Haha, yes! Hey, Hiro, you owe it 50 yen." Oh yes, he's dead.

"Tatsuha." I purred into the phone, leaning back against the wall.

"Uh-oh."

"Tell me what the hell you want _now _and I might reconsider your death."

"Now aniki, you know I was just kiddin', right?"

"What do you want Tatsuha?"

He chuckled nervously at the venom in my voice. "Ah well, I'm actually calling to ask Shuichi where he lives because the plane will be landing in about an hour. Yup, that's it."

"That it."

"Um…yeah."

"That's it."

"Uh-huh."

"Tatsuha?"

"Yeah?"

"You're dead." I said in the sweetest voice I could do before tossing the phone to Shuichi, who still laid half dressed on the bed. "He wants you."

"In more ways than one!" I heard Tatsuha say over the phone.

Scowling, Shuichi picked up the phone and cradled it between his shoulder and ear as he slid out of bed and began rummaging through his drawers for clothes. "What Tatsuha? Oh, okay. You're going to want to…"

Tuning him out, I looked around the room with mild curiosity. The oak dresser almost seemed out of place amidst the strewn of clothing, notebooks and CD's that littered the floor and yet somehow everything fit. One corner held a messy rack of manga, anime and other knickknacks, the other a bed and the other a closet. The last one was blocked by the door and various posters and pictures adorned the deep blue sponged walls. The carpet was a sea grey blue and frosted at the top while patterns created the affect of ocean waves.

His bed was a mismatch of colors and fabrics, I had noticed when I had awoke this morning that sheet beneath me was a heavy cotton while the one above me was as smooth as silk on my skin. The bottom sheet was a faded black and the top a light green and the two pillow cases were electric yellow—yes, for someone who's gay he definitely clashes. The comforter was white with a few minimal stains on it and the god-ugly blanket he had at the edge of his bed was a hideous compilation of the colors of the rainbow and various shades of shit.

I was pulled from my thoughts of how to burn that blanket when a bright orange was added to the catastrophe that he called a bed. Glaring at the object, I finally saw it was a pair of cargo pants with pieces of black fabric coming down around the legs like thick cords. I can definitely say I haven't seen anything like that on my Shuichi and I wasn't so sure I wanted to, either they'd look completely wrong on him or I'd have to hold myself back from ravaging him. And I had a feeling it'd probably be the latter.

I watched as he traded shoulders and opened the drawer beneath to rummage through the shirts filling that one. "No, no. It's a secured neighborhood, but I'll give the guard your name. Just remember to be on your _best_ behavior, yes that means no fucking Sakuma-san on my front lawn." He fished out a red shirt and looked at it thoughtfully, flipping it from front to back and then back again before throwing it to the side. "Right, don't you dare start whining. Now, are you writing this down?" He took another shirt out and threw that one to the side as well without even looking at it. "You're are flying to Melbourne, right? Okay, then the address is 630 Chapel Street, South Yarra 1, it's the third road on your left once you enter the neighborhood and I'm about seven or eight houses down. It's white so you can't really miss it since the others are mostly blue and such." Two more shirts joined the growing pile and I saw his shoulders slump, "Tatsuha."

I cocked an eye at the warning tone in his voice and as if reading my mind, he looked over his shoulder at me to roll his eyes with a small smile on his lips. I gave him a returning smile and then snorted, no doubt my brother was making some kind of obscene comment.

"Whatever we do will never include you and a camera, I don't really care what you say and no, I don't think I'll enjoy it. I already have enough money as it is and I don't think that Sakuma-san will appreciate it either, you pervert."

Well, now I do wish I was privy to this conversation, just what were they talking about? Oh, I had a pretty good idea and I know if I had been the one on the phone I would've hung up—I would've hung up when he asked for the address, which is probably why he asked for Shuichi instead. My Shu is just too polite to hang up on anyone, no matter what they say.

A shirt finally joined the pants on the bed and Shu turned to lean back on the dresser, giving me quite a view of his chest and lower torso. Damn, why did those pants have to hang so low? I need to get baggier pants… I tried to look away because despite my old self not caring who saw I was turned on, I didn't think Shuichi would appreciate it at the moment; he didn't need to deal with two perverts at once. Though once he gets off the phone…that's a whole different game.

"Tatsuha, just shut up and get here." He paused and then gave me a sidelong glance, those eyes running down my body and smirking at my straining erection. He shifted his hips just the slightest, but it was enough to make the room in my pants suddenly lessen. Tease… "No, I haven't forgotten and yes, I'll be careful."

Forgotten? What hasn't he forgotten? Of course he hasn't, he's not the one that's fucked up…well, maybe literally he is but—get your mind out of the gutter, jackass. Tearing my eyes away from his chest, I met his eyes and dug my nails into my palms as he licked his lips slowly, he fucking knew I was watching him.

"Yeah, he's still here. Hold on." Smirking, he shrugged the phone into his hand and then gave it to me with a scintillating smile before grabbing his clothes and disappearing down the hall with them.

I watched that ass walk away from me and inaudiably groaned, cursing my brother in every language I knew for interrupting. "Done torturing my lover?" I asked gruffly, though there was a lilt of amusement in my voice.

"There's no better way to pass the time, aniki, you'd know that best."

"True, or I would except _someone_ interrupted it." My words came out with more bite than I intended, but what did you expect? I'm still hard—especially after Shuichi's little show—and now aggravated from not getting any and dealing with my brother.

He chuckled, "I'm sure there'll be other chances to pin his ass down."

"Yeah, but you'd probably chose to interrupt us then too." Sweeping back my bangs with one hand, I moved to sit on the bed. "So, what did you want?"

"Just wondering how much you remember."

"Not much, but I keep getting little glimpses of things that happened. Is that normal?"

"How many?"

I sighed, "I guess two. One was of Shuichi and the other wasn't a memory or anything, but someone's a bastard, I know that much."

"Well, that just narrows it right down!" He answered sarcastically.

"Yeah, that's mature."

"Never claimed I was."

"and I never claimed you as my blood relative either."

"Aniki! Stop being mean or I'll be forced to sing."

"I've had enough of your voice as it is, so don't even think about it."

He laughed and then sighed, "Well, let's get down to business."

"Hn." Whatever that meant…

"If you open your laptop carrier, you'll find the list of exercises you're supposed to do for your leg as well as two notebooks and pens in case you can't use your laptop. Either way, you need to write down everything you remember before you sleep or after ten hours, got it?"

"Hai…"

"Aniki, don't push Shuichi either. You're not the only one who's had it rough."

"If anyone has had it rough, it's him, fuck, I don't even remember half of the rough times I had."

"Then we'll be seeing you soon…hopefully."

"Yeah." Shutting the phone, I silenced any other calls and looked down at my wrinkled clothing. I wonder if I brought a change of clothes…When did I get coffee on my shirt? Coffee…oh shit! Huffing, I went back downstairs to the kitchen and finished cleaning up the coffee I had spilt and picked up the smaller shards of ceramic as well. I thought Shuichi was supposed to be the klutz and me the smooth lover, but it seems our roles have reversed. Damn, he didn't even blush when Tatsuha decided to tease him and usually just whispering cock was enough to make him turn red.

"Yuki?" The melodic voice echoed lightly off the kitchen walls and looked up from my crouched position. "What are you doing on the floor?"

"Looking for cracks in your grout baka, what does it look like I'm doing?" I asked sarcastically, throwing the rag over my shoulder and into the sink. I stood and wiped my hands on my slacks before the outfit he was wearing clicked with my brain. The pants hung low on his hips, giving the illusion that they were ready to just fall off (I knew from experience with his concert costumes that it was rarely the case), and I found my eyes straying to the taunt stomach peeking at me from beneath his shirt. That shirt should be banned from public viewing as well, the shirt molded to his every curve and it made it harder to ignore my primitive side that said "Just fuck him into the floor!" A small choker adorned his neck and I could tell he wore a smidgen of make up around his eyes, but no where else.

He grinned as our eyes met, shit I was caught. "Something you like?" He asked huskily.

I shrugged and tried to look disinterested, but I knew that it wasn't working, hell I could barely keep my eyes off of him for more than ten seconds. Disinterested was the least of my expressions at the moment, more like turned on, hot as hell and lusting after the lithe little sprite before me. And he fucking knew it too…

"Yuki…why's there blood on your pants?" His voice suddenly turned serious and I looked down to see the right pant leg now had a streak of blood across the knee. Deft fingers took my right hand between them and flipped it over, palm up, to inspect it. A shallow gash—not deep enough to worry about stitches, but not shallow enough to stop bleeding quickly—marred the palm of my hand and I stared at it with confusion.

"I must've cut it when I dropped the glass." I murmured, my thoughts already trying to follow the dim thread that I refused to let go of. Once I said the words, I knew it was true but damn if I could remember it. I remember dropping the glass and cleaning it up but when I cut myself I…remembered something else and then Shuichi screamed.

"Come on, let's get that cleaned up." He gently ran his fingertips over the reddened edges and then gently pulled me to a nearby chair. I watched as he got a basin of warm water, antiseptics, gauze, a sponge and wrap before carefully cleaning my wound. I began to protest as he sponged it clean that all of this wasn't needed, but I could see the strain in his shoulders and knew any rebuttal from me would most likely cause the gap between us to widen.

So I sat quietly as he cleaned, sterilized, treated and wrapped my hand before thanking him with a smile. He smiled back and stole a quick kiss before whisking away the bowl and used gauze and throwing them in the sink.

"So, how do you like Australia?" He asked, smiling.

"I don't remember anything except your house, Shuichi."

His smile grew, "I know."

Great, now I'm suspicious. "And…"

"And I thought this would be a wonderful time to go sightseeing!"

* * *

Let me explain something about sightseeing: I hate it. You get the monotone tour guides who just want to get you through the tour and out of their hair and probably wouldn't know anything other than what they read in their little instruction manual. Then there's the whole "You-have-to-go-where-I-say-because-you-don't-have-time-to-go-off-on-your-own-you-stupid-little-visitor." And the look they give you! Oh, the pity for the poor little foreigner who has no idea where the hell they're going and will most likely get lost in ten minutes, which is the look I was getting at that moment. 

The blonde older man shook his head at me as Shuichi and I boarded the topless bus. "How is it that you have lived here for six months and you can't take me on a tour?" I asked, my mood becoming extremely foul.

"Yuki!" He whined, "I barely know Japan and I lived there all my life, how do you expect me to know Australia in less time?"

"Because almost seventy percent of it is desert, baka."

He blinked, "It is?"

Groaning, I pulled him into a seat next to me and closed my eyes against the sun. Shit, I forgot my sunglasses. "Let's just…relax, okay?" I asked, my voice weary. He didn't have a car and because he and the bastard, yes I know who it is now, got into a fight yesterday we weren't going to be using his car. So we walked…into town…which just happened to be a two mile walk…which wouldn't have bothered me but I have a fucking leg problem now.

I never knew sitting down could feel so good, my muscles ached, my leg throbbed and I could feel a migraine coming on from the light being too bright and the tour guide's grating voice. And he just had the gall to say it was going to be a cool day at eighty two degrees…

I hate sightseeing.

"If you look to your right, you will see the Melbourne Observation Deck, it is the twenty first to enter into the elite group of the World Federation of Great Towers. If you look up, you will see the deck located between the Rialto Towers about two hundred and fifty three meters up on the fifty fifth floor of the Rialto Towers." He paused, waiting for questions but when none came, he brightened and said, "Now here's a fun fact! Did you know that Australia was used as a port for criminals by England?"

Did you know that cutting the artery at your armpit will kill you in less than five minutes? That is pumps a quarter pint of blood per second 2? Did you know that I know how to make a wonderful tea that'll kill you within an hour? No? Then how about I show you, fuckin' tour guide. I wonder how much pain my cane can cause…

"Or," he continued, "that most of those criminals were there for skipping their taxes or stealing a piece of food? Most lower class English citizens weren't able to afford the high tax and were either sent to work camps or deported to Australia."

Oh gods, I've got to sit through this for another hour? My skin felt burnt and dry, my eyes hurt, my head feels like it's about to explode and I haven't seen anything of interest.

"Next on our tour is the prestigious Queen Victoria Market…"

Oh joy.

* * *

"You're not enjoying this, are you?" He asked, eyes downcast. 

"Of course I am."

"Yuki, don't lie to me and don't talk to me like I'm five." He snapped, but he still refused to meet my eyes.

I sighed and put my arm around his shoulders. "You're right, I'm not enjoying this, but I am enjoying you."

He slowly looked up at me and gave me a slight smile, "Then you wanna ditch? I'm not exactly enjoying it either."

"And miss his wonderful monologue?" I asked as we stood.

"Please stay seated until the tour is completed, sir." The tour guide—Craig, I believe—said once he saw us standing.

"I think not."

Shuichi smiled, "I'm really sorry, but we have somewhere to be…"

"Oh. My. God." I heard someone whisper, "It's _Last Breath's_ lead singer!" Yeah, that part was yelled.

Shuichi turned, eyes large as two girls came at him with looks of love on their faces. "Yuki!" He yipped as he tried to push me between his adoring fans and himself.

"What am I, your bodyguard now?" I asked as I took a defensive stance. I fixed my coldest glare upon them and watched as they stopped and shrunk back. Heh, who said cripple people are weak? "What do you two want?"

"Can we just get your autograph, please!" The red head asked to Shuichi, who was peeking out from behind my back.

"A ten dollar fee will be needed."

The blonde blanched, "What?"

"Well, it's a safety deposit in case he breaks his hand while signing." I shrugged.

"That's ridiculous!"

"Not for the autograph of a famous person."

Disgruntled, I watched with amusement as they both pulled out ten dollars and handed it to me before creeping closer to Shuichi. I saw the nervous glances they threw my way, but I just leaned back and let my lover work his magic on the young women. He gave them a carefree smile and signed their booklets while laughing and scratching the back of his head. Six more people approached me and paid the fee to have Shuichi sign something—the only one I stopped was some woman wanted _my_ lover to sign her breasts, that's unacceptable.

Grinning, I pulled Shuichi off the bus with eighty dollars in hand and almost danced for joy when the bus finally disappeared from sight. I hadn't really thought to hold onto the money I received until I noticed I wasn't carrying any and I didn't know how much Shuichi had on him. Okay, okay, so I did it out of spite, but saying I was going to return it sounds much better than saying I was going to keep it.

Laughing, Shuichi shook his head in wonderment and dragged me down the street. "I can't believe you charged them!"

I smirked, "I didn't actually think they were going to pay."

"You didn't even give them their money back."

"Yeah, well they didn't gain any mannerisms either, this just covers the migraine I received from that tour guide."

"What was up with that guy anyway? I thought he was going to kiss me!"

"And he probably would've, except he saw me behind you."

"You smiled at him, didn't you?"

Quirking an eyebrow, I answered, "Yes…"

"Yeah, that explains why he suddenly stopped." He nodded absently.

I frowned, "I'm not that scary when I smile."

"Sorry but you are."

"I didn't even glare at him."

"Yeah, that's why it's scary." He laughed, giving me a genuine smile.

"Well, I can't really blame him for trying…" I said, giving him a leering smile of my own and watched as he turned bright red beneath my gaze. "So, did you have anything else planned?"

He stopped, ignoring the flow of people around us, and looked up at the sky thoughtfully. "Well…there was one place I always went to when it hurt to even think of you gone. It always reminded me of you, I thought you'd like it if you ever had the chance to see it, and for some reason it always made me feel better. Which is weird considering most people who lose a loved one—even if it isn't because of death—don't want any reminders of that person, they'll even go as far as moving away and starting a new life just to get away from it. Of course, that's what I did, but then I found this place and I just couldn't get over how it just seemed to be your kind of place and—"

I placed a quieting finger to his lips, "Why don't you show me this place of yours?" I asked softly, a small smile playing at the corners of my lips.

Smiling back, he nodded and grabbed my hand, intertwining our fingers for the first time today. So far he had been almost insecure about touching me, where before he would jump me at the first chance and refuse to let go of me until I yelled at him. Feeling his hand in mine was almost heavenly and I squeezed it gently as he began leading me through the streets of…Melbourne, I think is what he said.

He flagged down a taxi almost randomly and, once we were both seated, whispered to the driver where he wanted to go. I smirked as he took precautions so I wouldn't hear where we were going, like I'd know anyway, but it's cute at least. He sat back and curled towards my side tentatively until his head was resting against my shoulder and his fingers entwined with mine.

Smirking, I turned my attention to the city before us and watched as the buildings slowly began to disappear until a more rural area of Australia began to appear. There were still buildings and shops, but it wasn't as crowded as whatever part of Melbourne we were in earlier, not that I cared much. I honestly don't think that anything could get more congested than Tokyo…well, maybe China, but other than that…no. I'm used to the crowds and the buildings and so it didn't really bother me, but I did like the more rural part of civilization and the sporadic shops and monuments spread throughout the drive was quite nice.

I began brushing the pad of my thumb along Shuichi's hand, almost absently, as I took in the gentle waves and bright grass that came into view. He shifted closer to me and hummed approval as I continued to massage his hand slowly, but I found it hard to keep my mind upon the things at hand. It didn't even seem to matter that I _wanted_ to keep it on task; my mind just started wandering as if I were a two year old with ADD. It's damn annoying.

I don't know how long we were driving, but Shuichi suddenly pulled away from me to tell the driver to stop. I drew my mind away from its dizzying conversation with itself and looked around to see where Shuichi had taken me. I really wasn't certain what to expect, but the side of the road wasn't it. To my right was a steep hill and to my left was another, except that one had a few sparse trees and a speed limit sign.

Shuichi pulled me out of the cab and then waved as it drove away, _drove away_, the fucking cab left us on the side of the road and I can't even see a fucking house around us. And Shuichi is just…smiling! Is he planning to kill me or something or does he want to commit suicide together and therefore decided to not have the cab driver wait? Shit, what if he is, I really don't know him anymore and maybe that's what he's planning…

I hate not being in control. My fucking life already isn't and so if there's anything I can, I want to. Not knowing where the hell I am or how we're going to get back isn't really helping with that particular problem either. I do trust Shuichi, that isn't even the issue, it's just that I like to know all the details before making a commitment of any kind and right now, I don't know a single thing about the place Shuichi dragged me to. I could already feel the panic begin to well inside me, a freezing sensation filling my lungs as I fought not to let it affect me.

Shit, I haven't had one like this in a long time—or at least I think I haven't. For all I know, I have these everyday due to the lack on control I have upon my life, of course that thought isn't exactly comforting. Looking to my oblivious lover, I clamped down on my fear and smiled at him, "So…what next?"

He licked his lips unconsciously and pulled me towards the hill behind me, the one without the trees. "Come on." Lacing our fingers, he began up the small worn path on the side of the hill and watched as I struggled with my cane to walk upwards. I wasn't exactly wearing tennis shoes you know since I hadn't planned to go hiking any time soon. Shuichi worried over his lip as I winced with each step I took and looked as if he were about to suggest we just go back down, but a well placed glare kept him silent.

And so in silence we worked our way up as my leg demanded I stop abusing it, but I really couldn't care less if I wanted to. By the time I reached the top, my leg was permanently frozen in a very awkward position causing even more pain than before. What had Tatsuha said? Oh right, I'm supposed to exercise and stretch the useless appendage daily to keep this from happening.

Gripping my cane, I lifted my eyes and gaped at the image before me, the beauty of it taking me by surprise. The hill ended in a cliff that stretched out over the ocean. On the other side of the large cove we could see the dim lights of a city and the sparse boats on the rolling waves. The cerulean blue waters lapped gently against the rocks below and pushed a breeze upward to cool off any passing travelers. The sun had just begun setting and the sky was streaked with reds, yellows, oranges, purples and blues around the fiery red sun. I could even see a pod of dolphins glinting in the clear waters.

Everything was so serene that even the tension in my shoulders faded as I stared at the scene before me. "This reminds you of me?" I finally asked after the sun had almost finished setting. The moon had just begun to peak out of the clouds and reflect on the water, and though not as stunning as the sunset it was just a beautiful.

He hummed in agreement before turning towards me. "You said once that I was the light that guided you, do you remember that?"

I slowly nodded, how could I not remember it? It was the forward for my first homosexual book…and about our relationship. I had given it to him in the hospital when I came to visit him, he was so dead inside that it scared me more than I have ever been scared before. It scared me that I had done that to him and even more so that I couldn't figure out how to fix it, though whatever I did that day I visited him seemed to snap him out of whatever death spiral he was in. The weeks that followed weren't any fun either, I'd come every day to see him and there were days where he'd refuse to see me and others where he'd cling to me and cried when I had to leave. The constant mood swings had my heart in shambles to the point where I had thought of just giving up, but something kept making me come back. Thank the gods I did too.

He began rubbing his arms, a nervous habit he had picked up from 'before', and looked away from me to stare across the ocean again. "Well, you're the sun that warms me, the breeze the cools me, the waters that surround me and the wild beauty I love."

I don't know what overcame me at the moment, I have never truly been one to become emotional, but I couldn't stop myself from wrapping my arms around his waist from behind and turning his head to kiss him fully on the lips. I gently caressed his lips with my tongue before nibbling on his bottom lip in askance as he craned his neck to reach me better. Slipping my tongue into his mouth, I began a slow dance as I swirled our tongues together and drew his back into my mouth.

* * *

How long did we stand there? I can't really tell you, it was long enough for us to miss the cab driver, if he ever came at all, and for the stars to come out and surround us with the tiny light. Long enough for the cove to light up with the city nightlife and long enough for both of us to forget all our problems and just enjoy each other. For once I felt like we were a normal couple and it felt so surreal. 

When we finally pulled apart and descended the hill to the road below, I couldn't help how Shuichi continued smile, how his eyes seemed brighter and his laugh infectious as he smiled at me over his shoulder. He almost acted like his old self and my heart ached with joy at seeing him like this, so innocent and untouched by everything around him that I still didn't understand how he could keep it all at bay.

I watched as he pulled out his own cell phone—when had he grabbed that?—and called a cab to come pick us up. We waited in a comfortable silence as the cab came to fetch us and even after a half hour I found myself still content to just stand there with Shu. And even when the driver finally arrived, I found myself unwilling to leave our small reverie-like haven, but we couldn't hide from the world forever…

Shu fell asleep on the way back, his body curled into mine and his head pillowed on my chest. His body rose and fell with each deep breath and even in sleep, that smile refused to leave his petal soft lips. His fingers still held onto my hand and I couldn't still my free hand from stroking his hair, the motion almost compelled by something. I regretted having to awaken him as we arrived at his house, but he greeted me with a sleepy smile and clambered out of the cab with me behind him.

As the cab pulled away, I turned to Shuichi to see him tackled to the ground. The black and brown blur yelled "Shu-chan!" and hugged _my_ lover in a death grip. "Where were you, na no da? We've been waiting a looong time!"

Glaring at the 'child', I moved towards them and poked Ryuichi with my cane. "Do you mind getting off of him?" I asked.

He turned huge tearful eyes towards me and pouted, "But it's been such a long time since I last saw him!"

I sighed, "Get off him before you suffocate him."

Tatsuha laughed from the doorsteps as he and Hiro approached us, "Come on Ryu-chan, you have to let him go eventually."

Slowly he released my lover and helped him up, "We have to talk." He said seriously to Shuichi before returning back to his childish self and attaching himself to my brother.

Shuichi blinked and nodded before smiling sheepishly at the three. "Hi guys."

Hiro was the first to make a move and knocked my lover gently on the side of his head before pulling him into a hug. "Don't do that again, got it? We have enough to worry about as it is, you disappearing like this doesn't really help."

"Hai, hai." Shu answered, but he returned the hug just as well. "It's…it really is good to see you guys."

"Well, as much as I'm enjoying this little reunion," I said flatly, my gaze fixed on Shuichi's bastard neighbor. Hey, I remembered who he is! "Let's move inside."

Nodding, Shuichi skipped up the walkway and let the others in, talking animatedly about his house. I held the bastard's gaze for another minute before smirking and flicking him off as I walked inside as well. Shutting the door, I removed my shoes and sat down in the living room to relax my leg.

I watched as Shu led them around the main floor nervously, skittering away from them if they got too close, and talked nonstop to them as to not give them a chance to say anything. It looked like we have more to work on then I thought and how we're going to do it is beyond me. But this is one thing I know, we're finally together again and I refuse to let anything separate us again, even death.

Dhampir  
Page 17  
01/30/07

1: The address is one I found online, if you must know it's actually a hotel, but it's not really like I could get a home address or something. So yup, I don't want you all looking it up and coming back to tell me it's a hotel, I already know.

2: I remember hearing this in a movie and my teacher did say it was true, but I can't remember if it's a quarter pint per second or an eighth pint, so I just went with the quarter. Eh, it's not really that important to the story.

* * *

All right, nothing really to say. Sorry it took so long, but I really haven't felt like writing lately. Work sucks and that's about it. Hope you enjoyed it and sorry for any confusion as to if this story ended or not. 

When it ends, I'll say THE END or OWARI, I promise.

Onto the reviews!

**Bram**: Sorry about the cliffie. At least you knew it was, I had a lot of angry e-mails about how could I end the story with Shuichi insane and Yuki really dead. But see? The story's still going!

**Kitty in the Box:** Nope, not an illusion or anything. Shu just fell asleep, Yuki got out of the bed and Shu woke up, which is where Chapter 15 ended. I just like playing with minds, hehe.

**CosmicEssence:** I promise the angst will go down some now that they're back together. Though I'm still going to have those parts in it, what's my stories without it, right? Anyway, thank you for your generous compliments, but if you really want a great writer, read Kolie's stuff. It's depressing too, but she's the better author. Onto the personal question, how do I know so much about cutting and such? In all honesty, I have never once cut myself, read up on it or anything of the sorts. The closest I have ever had was a friend of mine was a cutter, but we weren't close friends and she was getting help with a live in therapist. But I pretty much just try to put myself in my character's place and work out how I think it would feel and how I would feel. So…that's about it.

**Delia:** Of course I remember you! I'm still working on your story idea, albeit slowly, but it's going! Thanks for hanging in there too!

**Guren:** Sorry if you had any problems with my last chapter or in this chapter, but if you want to point them out or discuss them, just tell me. I'd be happy to, but thank you for continuing to read this far into the story. I do hope it hasn't been a disappointment.

**Xunxin:** The thing you have to understand is that Shuichi has been having dreams of him and Yuki. So when he wakes up alone in bed he just chalks it all up to being another hallucination despite it being so real.

**Hokage:** Actually yes, I've read some of Gravi 2 and I'm extremely excited, though I lost the website that was translating it… So I guess I'll have to wait until it comes out in manga near me. The only thing I can pray for is that they get the same voice cast they had last time if they make it into an anime prays

**Sailor Epyon:** Ah yes, I love playing with minds, it's apparently one of my talents. Don't worry though, I promise not to play too much.

**Kolie:** No matter what you say, you're the better author. You update more than me too, so that makes you better too. I have an idea on how Shu might stop cutting with Yuki's help, but it's kinda rough and a little later down the road. Oh yeah, random question here, but is My Own Journal down or something? I can't get to it…

EVERYONE READ HER STORIES! (KOLIE)

Also, thanks to everyone who had reviewed and hung in there with my long updates and everything. My hand is doing better, but it's taking me longer to type up (I went from 85 wpm to about 30 wpm on a good day…wow that's depressing) and since I'm still not allowed to hand write anything, it limits my time.

Hope you enjoyed it thus far!


	17. Notice

**THIS IS A TEASER FOR CHAPTER 16 of "Through Foxes Eyes"**

**EXPLAINATION BELOW**

**(I'm Posting this to all stories, even if this is for the wrong story!!)**

A high pitched yowl broke through the jeering crowd as the guards pulled the defenseless child behind them. Stopping in the center of the village's court The Council stood to Kitsune's right while the crowd of people surrounded his left and flank, the guards blocking anything that was possibly in front of him.

The manacles they had placed around his wrists burned and his incessant pulling had chafed the sensitive skin to where they bled. Tears tracking down his face, the blonde pulled against the Anbu guards, two of them snickering at his feeble attempts while the third kept his back turned to him.

"I have done what was asked of me, the demon child has proven to be a threat and I have brought him before the Council as ordered." The Anbu said, his voice loud and booming over the crowd. "I wash my hands of this." Turning, he walked away and disappeared into the swarm of people, not even looking back once to see the crying boy crumpling to the stoned ground.

"This isn't like you." Someone said, grabbing his arm firmly.

Looking over his shoulder, he glared at the taller shinobi, jerking his arm out of the silver haired man's grip. "I won't kill an innocent child, but I won't stop them from killing a demon, Kakashi."

"He was in control, the Kyuubi hadn't broken free."

"He was using chakra."

"If using chakra makes us demons, then we are all condemned."

The Anbu looked over Kakashi's shoulder at the young dark haired boy standing not far from them. "You're that boy from earlier." He said, dark gray eyes sliding over to Kakashi once more, "I see you went to get help, why?"

"If anyone gets to kill that idiot, it should be me." Sasuke said, glaring at the Anbu Captain.

Shaking his head, the man began to chuckle before it slowly turned into boisterous laughter, "You think you can kill a demon, boy? Have you even killed someone before?"

"Actually, he has three kills and a successful completion of a B-ranked mission already. He's only been a genin for a few months as well, so…" Kakashi shrugged, looking over his shoulder to where Kitsune lay panting on the ground. "And does he look like a demon to you? All I see is a boy who has a past more horrible than most."

"I did as I was ordered, nothing more and nothing less." He answered, his voice cold as he stared at the blonde child. "I'll have no other part in this, so leave me be." Glaring at Kakashi, he spun on his heel and disappeared once more into the throng of people.

Sighing, the silver nin turned to survey the situation, his eye picking up the strategically placed shinobi who were in hiding in case the child broke free. It was rare for him to be serious, but he couldn't find any amusement in their predicament nor could he find any escape for Kitsune. Either they would be killed on sight for trying to help the blonde or they would be tried with him as conspirators, thus being killed later. So it was a choice of dying now or in a few hours…

* * *

Tsunade growled deep in her throat, the veins in her forehead pulsating in anger, all because the damn pervert got knocked out once more for his lewd remarks. "How does he live like this?" She huffed, carrying the large man on her back.

"I'm certain the women he usually accompanies aren't as strong as you, Tsunade-sama." Shizune answered with a smile.

"This is the fifth time! You'd think he'd have learned his lesson and I wouldn't have to keep carrying his sorry ass."

"You don't have to knock him unconscious every time, Tsunade-sama."

The blonde glared, hefting the male higher on her back. "It's the only way to get him to shut up."

Shizune chuckled, smiling at the two as they continued towards Konoha. They probably would've already reached the village if the two old comrades could stop arguing for a few minutes, but it seemed as natural to them as breathing. They had been traveling on the road for over a week now and Jiraiya still hadn't learned his lesson…she was beginning to wonder if all the fists to his head were causing brain damage. In the least they certainly seemed to be causing short term amnesia as the man would awaken and immediately make some comment about Tsunade's body or chest.

"GAH!" The blonde suddenly screamed, flipping Jiraiya off her back and into the ground one handed. "You fucking pervert!" Shoving her foot into his chest, she stepped over him and fumed down the trail, muttering, "I'm starting to think he's doing this on purpose so he can cop a feel, damn pervert."

Sniggering, Shizune watched as the Sannin picked himself up off the ground and gave her a sheepish smile before following after the blonde. "What can I say? I'm a masochist." He said, winking at her from over his shoulder.

Snorting her laughter, she watched as the two of them argued as he tried to get into her good graces in all the wrong ways. Fondly smiling, she heaved her bag to the other shoulder and started trekking after them, wondering just what was going to happen next.

* * *

Okay everybody, I'm having a bit of problems...no, not with writing the story though I do have a few ideas of what I want to happen and how, but that's not what this is for.

I would just do a Note, but you can have your account deleted for this, so here's a teaser and now my note:

**I am getting very, VERY ticked off with fanfiction. Not just the site, but the people:**

**1. **_I receive on average, at least two to three e-mails a month about people plagiarizing my stories._

I know people receive story ideas from reading other people's stories, but this is ridiculous. And to top it off, these are people who are e-mailing ME for the cut lemon scenes and then posting them as their own in their stories.

This absolutely unacceptable! If you see someone who is plagiarizing, even if we don't own the characters it's still our ideas, then it's your responsibility to report them. And if you're one of the plagiarizers, then get the fuck off my shit. (See? I'm mad, I never cuss, just my characters)

I do thank those who did e-mail me though, I do appreciate. Please report them as well though and possibly leave them a review knowing they've been ousted. Nothing mean, just let them know.

**2. **This brings me to my next point: I've read quite a few stories with lemon scenes in them, from handjobs to full out orgy sex scenes and these people don't get threatened with having their stories and accounts deleted. I've got a few stories (rated MATURE), with warnings and I still cut out those scenes and yet I've been given to citations for a quick handjob that doesn't even get to completion.

**3.** The formatting with fanfiction is ticking me off. I can't put paragraph spaces in because it takes them away and using the damn thingy is just annoying. Plus after I check everything out, it'll still put two paragraphs together and squish words together.

So, what does this all mean? I'm going to try to deal with it, but if I find more people who keep copying my stories, then I'm going to be removing all my stories from this site and opening my own to host my stories.

I'm sorry for the delay, but I've been so ticked off lately I haven't even felt like writing.

If it continues, then this story will end: Naruto's executed, Sasuke gets depressed, Tsunade becomes Hokage and everyone else is happy. Because right now I don't feel like working on this very much.

Sorry all! That's not the story end--yet--just a bit of warning for you plagiarizers that do enjoy reading my stories. See? Someone always spoils it for everyone else.

--Dhampir


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